Life's been hard since them pumpfakin', fugazzi, fugugly fools at Beyonceitis been spreading this libal 'bout ya boy Rumplepimpskin. Everything is changing... I go to the playground, the kids point and laugh. Kick the lil' woodchips in my face... Big Ton aka Latarian Milton aka the fat seven year old that beat his granny up at Wal-Mart won't even help me fight no mo'. I go to preschool and Lil' Rock be tryna jack me for my Legos. Him and his brother be tryna jump me in the corner and shit. I go home and when I yell at my Momma she actually pulls her belt off and threatens to whoop me. SOME NEW SHIT!

My Daddy even started showing up at the house yelling and shit... Talmbout he on MySpace claiming me... telling everybody he got a son who'll beat the fear of God into Hitler and I'm running 'round gettin A's for rhyming shit with freakum.

I can't do this. I'm 'bout to hurt somebody, somewhere. Beyonceitis... I'm callin' ya bluff... I got a surprise for you. I made a few friends with yo' enemies. How ya love that? How'd I do that? Went a lil' something like this:

*****

Three-way phone call with Jennifer Hudson, Ashanti & KeKe Wyatt.

Hudson: So what you sayin' is... Baby Daniel want us to join ranks with us?

Ashanti: Yeah... He stopped by Orange Julius today and I was on break and told me.

Hudson: Did he hurt you girl?

Wyatt: Nah, he couldn't have... I stole his shank last Sunday. It fell out his coat pocket when he was walkin' up the church steps. He ain't gettin' it back, neither.

Ashanti: Nah... he was calm, cool and collected. At first I mistook him for the run of the mill toddler. Then he got close up on me and them blue eyes and that red hair was all too familiar. I yelled raped, because my counselor told me if I was ever in danger to yell rape because people in the vicinity will respond to a rape alert as opposed to a fight... They'll just watch a fight.

Wyatt: That's true. Especially if you stabbing somebody. Somebody may call 911... but other than that they won't try to help.

Ashanti: But I think it's a good idea. I say we should join ranks with him and take down Beyonceitis.

Wyatt: You got me fucked up... I ain't finna fall for no tricks. He probably just tryna get us in the same 'round and pistol whip us again.

Hudson: No he not... He can't pistol whip shit... You ain't read what Beyonceitis said about him? He a punk. He made up his whole gangsta lifestyle.

Wyatt: I don't believe shit they say... They said Beyonce was gonna drop 12 albums this year. One for each month. I can drop 24 albums in one year, TWO for each month and help Avant turn tricks to pay his water bill.

Hudson: Avant turning tricks again?

Wyatt: Yeah... and everytime he fucks up who he call? KeKe! That's who... when Jay fucks up... who he call? Beyoncita! That heffa. Too bad he couldn't return the favor with Deja Vu... she had to call Ne-Yo sugar tank ass to help with that... Shame. If I woulda did Deja Vu it would went number one and then some.

Hudson: Can't we just wait for the government to find a cure for Beyonceitis. I heard they were really close.

Ashanti: Nah, I'm not tryna be like Amerie and just wait... Go overseas and just wait... Have you seen her, lately? Child look like...  Can I put y'all on hold for a minute? I got some business to take care of really quick

KeKe: Don't have us waiting forever.

Ashanit: Cool...

*clears throat*

Wal-Mart Customer Service... Ashanti speaking... How may I help you? You need to call the electronics department for that... Yeah, I think it's just bananas that they make you call the whole damn store, too. Thanks for choosing Wal-Mart... Have a good day.

I'm back y'all.

Wyatt: I know this girl ain't working at no Wal-Mart.

Ashanti: I got bills to pay, KeKe. This good-good ain't enough to them taxes taxed and them bills billed. And its mo' than what you doing, KeKe.

Wyatt: Don't trip. I could work at Wal-Mart way better than you and Beyonce .

Hudson: Ooh... Shany... can you stop by the deli and get me a bag of fried chicken... I ain't had none of that fried chicken in a long time.

Ashanti: You know what? Forget I called y'all. Y'all just strayed away from the whole point... That's why I don't fuck with you big girls... All you do is eat and fight. I'ma just call Mya and Janet liked I had planned on from the get-go.

*Ashanti hangs up*

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Watch yo' back Beyonceitis... And remember don't believe it until you see me kicking both ya does in.