I'm pretty sure y'all done heard all the bad news. Bernie and Isaac are in the Upper Room acting a fool together right now. Even though they done gone to glory and doing it big with Jesus, we down here mourning the loss. 'Specially my Granny... Here we go, at the house... chillaxin... snacking on Chitlin Pop Pie like the run-of-the-mill Creolians we are... and BAM! Bernie Mac has died, y'all. Granny 'bout lost her mind. I'm pretty sure her wig was the first thing to fly across the room followed by coffee mugs, picture frames, couch cusions, Kizzy, my Baby Jamz boom box... And by time we sat her down and got her reorientated... BAM! Isaac Hayes gone too. By now she was just plumb-tuckered out... so she took the wig off, squeezed all the sweat out of it, and just said, "Fuck it! Take me too, Lord."

We spent about an hour tryna stop her from jump into a bot of boiling fish grease but that's another story....

Rest In Paradise, Isaac Hayes.

Did Bow Wow's bottom boy cut off his locks? Did it have to do with the breakup?

I don't really care, I just find it funny. O probably had a breakdown like Angela Bassette in Waiting To Exhale. Cut off all that pretty hair. HA! Tryna be like me. I cut off the mohawk after SOMEBODY started jocking my style.

I know y'all tripped when I got that cut. Right?

Sorry for the delay, folks.

Tee-Tee was spose to perform with Usher but some technical difficulties prevented it. By technical difficulties I mean we ran into Aretha Franklin in the parking lot and Granny had on her fighting wig, coincidentally. Pop-Pop and 'nem at the police station filing reports. The last thing I can remember him saying was, "That hamhock heffa bet not never put her paws on me again!"

UPDATED EVERY COMMERCIAL BREAK.

-Usher performed... I think he was JSetting... I didn't catch it.

-DL Hughley came out and surprisingly made no one laugh.

-J.Hud and A Pimp Named Slickback came out and disgusted anyone with a low tolerance level.

-Some mo' shit happened... I wasn't paying attention. Asnwered the phone. It was Cousin Angie calling from the police station. All I could hear was Pop-Pop in the background yelling, "Well, if you think you so big and bad bring ya' ass over here!"

-Kobe win Best Male Athlete. Oh the fuckery!

-Some of the cast from Boyz N Da Hood presented an award. No one asked for a reunion. Cuba was higher than a star!

--------------

-DownLow Hughley still has NOT made me laugh.

-Queen Latifah sitting by Debra Lee? Y'all see what I see?

-I see Puff The Magic Dragon. No Justin nor Janice Combs in sight.

-Alicia Keys. Yep. That's about it. SWV? A gray and black lacefront on one chick? En Vouge? How is Alicia relevant when these sisters are onstage? I'm anticipating Butta Creme to come out next. TLC! Thank God... somebody finally did something right at BET.

-Niecy Nash... FINALLY SOMEBODY I CAN COSIGN BEING AT THIS EVENT! Why didn't she host this show? Way funnier then DownLow Hughley. Rayneesha Williams saves the show! I consider getting myself some white kids.

-If Uncle Joe don't win Best Male Hip-Hop, I plan on strangling the first person I hear diss The Roc. If Kanye bitch about losing... The only thing I wish... I wish the nigga would. If Gremlin win... I won't care.

-Kanye thanks no one but he does ride Gremlin's dick for like four seconds

-These Baldwin Hills kids CANNOT read. Thank you No Child Left Behind.

--------------

-T-Pain comes out dressed like something out of a Batman comic strip. Straight jacking Ringling Bros game. Some random nigga comes out during T-Pains set. Raps a lil' something. I didn't really pay attention. The real star, Rick Ross's Belly, performs for us. FINALLY, somebody with talent. DJ Khaled still hasn't been deported? More random niggas. T-Pains hypeman can be seen crying in the crowd.

-The cable goes out. I guess SOMEBODY didn't peddle enough ass to pay for it.

-Who the eff nominate Monotone Douglas wins Video Of The Year? UGK and 'nem won for the pimps. RIP PIMP C. UGK and 'nem also won for the great state of Texas.

-Why Bun B's wife think she can give a thank-you? She ain't win shit.

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-Ke-Ke Palmer and Ice Cube are unofficially blacklisted!

-Baldwin Hills = College Hill without the college.

-I get another call from the police station... it's Granny. She wants me to put the phone by the TV so she gon' get prayed up by the sweet, saving sounds of Warren Marvin Sapp. She catches the Spirit via telephone. She then curses out loud when Deitrick Haddon doesn't win.

-Skipping Bible study will ensure a ticket to Hell, Warren Marvin Sapp!

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-Pretty Chrissy... Do I have to even review his fuckery?

-Thank God Ciara ain't singing! Quick shot of Rhi-Rhi. BET tryna start beefs and shit.

-THERE GO MY MAMA! THERE GO MY MAMA! Cassie you aren't worthy.

-Brandon T. Jackson, shut the fuck up. You are as 'bout as funny as DownLow Hughley. Thanks for the Barack reveal. You saved yourself from being blacklisted.

-Best Collabo: Who cares? T-Pain is dumb as a box of bricks.

-Tocarra still work for BET. Go figure. If you look close enough you can see LaTavia showing late guests to their seats.

--------------

-Another corny DownLow Hughley joke.

-John Legend is flooding. Nothing new. Nothing to see here people.

-Commence the Al Green tribute.

-Granny calls again so I can put the phone to the TV so she can "hear her some Al Green". Pop-Pop is still in the back cussing. "That big, nasty slop-hound snatched off my wife's ostrich-feather boa made by Dereon on sale at Dillard's," is all I heard him say.

-If you look close enough behind Al Green you can see Lauren London cooning in her seat.

-Anthony Hamilton busts out in the platinum pants that are apparently taking his blood pressure. A white woman is in the crowd clapping. Who let her in?

-Oh, I'm sorry that's Debra Lee.

-Granny reaches through the phone and slaps me because apparently Debra Lee is Creole. Go figure.

-I thought Maxwell was Jermaine Jackson for a minute. Oops.

-I coulda sworn Al Green was dead. I shit you not. One random nigga is still sitting down when Al Green starts performing. He needs his country ass beat.

-My Granny is 'bout to break the phone from her cauterwailing "Let's Stay Together". Pop-Pop stops cussing and starts juking! "HHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY!!!! That's my shit!"

-I hear Granny hit the floor at, "Something make ya do wrong and make you do right."

-Lil' Kim and Luda all boo'd up in the audience. Somebody need to give that nigga some Valtrex and some AcuVue!

-Al starts cooning. He officially fits right in with the young folks at this point.

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-You can get with this or you can get with that? Black Sheep need to come get they check.

-Even though kanYe wasn't in this category he'll still be throwing chairs and flipping tables backstage that he didn't win the Viewer's Choice Award.

-Weezy won and brings Ye onstage (along w/ the whole state of Louisiana).

-I'm waiting for 5Ton4Head to fall into that fan or at least down the stairs. Looking like a gothic mess. I buy Zahara better dresses than that. Quick shot of Pretty Chrissy... like we needed that.

-Is it me or does 5Ton4Head look like Scar from The Lion King?

--------------

-Debra Leevil is in the building. The coons rejoice.

-My Pop-Pop has a personal rivalry with Quincy Jones so I refuse to clap. I will take this time to put out an APB on Niecy Nash considering Zahara didn't appreciate her jokes towards Angelina.

--------------

-Ashanti... STOP!

-JD is on my bad side. I heard he was the leader of the Lollipop Guild. That's MY title.

-Am I the only one who can't hear Ciara?

-By the time Fergie hits the stage the show starts sucking again.

-I'd marry New-New if I could. But if she keeps reminding me that Diddy got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame I'ma have to disown her.

-Why is we drinking on the job, Diddy? Is Lauren old enough to drink?

-Why wasn't Kizzy nominated for Best Female R&B? I woulda revoked MiMi's nod for Kizzy after MiMi pulled out of her performance.We knew Kizzy wasn't gone win but still... give a sister a chance. She already flopping, what's the worst that can happen.

-Alicia Keys comes onstage wearing beach shells. Instead of thanking God, she dedicates her award to the word "can't" and it's demise. That's sweet... you're going to Hell.

-Weezy Fucking Baby and T-Pain hit the stage. T-Pain subs for the late Static Major? Questionable call.

-Wayne is a dramatic cunt for falling to his knees. Something he's used to?

Sorry, if you missed me. I won't be in today, at least not until later this afternoon. My Momma took some of that money she made from "Studying her own rhythm" and "Letting you speed her up if you wanted to, ooooooh" and payed Cuz Angie to teach me how to ride a bike. I'M EXCITED. No more Big Wheel banging for me (though I will miss it).

Anyway... until I master the fine arts of balance... you'll have to make due with FRESH, NECOLE, SAAVY, COCOA or QUICK.

Holla!

I woulda fired my weed-carrier if this would have ever happened to me. Yes, I'm talking 'bout if I was hoo-riding and running red lights with the sticky icky on me and then Johnny Law comes up and throw the silver bracelets on a thug... my weed carrier will most likely be getting his resumé together. You know silver makes me break out. I only rocks the bests of platinum metals and the only fabric touching this ass is ostrich lined Huggies custom made by Tina Knowles.

But I digress.

Anyway... Warren G got locked up and they won't even let him look at cell bars let alone let the brother out. I'ma po' a lil' Welch's Grape Juice out for my boy in hopes that he T.I. the case. Speaking of T.I., I haven't seen Lil' T.I. (the one with the braids) lurking through the playground lately. But that's a good thing.

Warren G has been arrested in Los Angeles on a drug charge after police pulled over the car he was riding in. Police say the 35-year-old rapper was arrested early yesterday (June 8) after being pulled over for a red light violation. Officer Karen Smith says marijuana was found in the vehicle. The rapper’s real name is Warren Griffin III. Both he and the driver, Ryan Butler, were booked for investigation of possession of a controlled substance. They each posted $20,000 bail and were released.

SOURCE

I'm just tripping off the fact that the coppers act like they so surprised Warren G smokes weed. It's fucking Warren G.

That's why I blacklisted you in the first place chump.

Ya boy Rumplepimpskin ain't never did nothing to nobody. And goofy-ass beaver teeth Pretty Chrissy is biting my style and jocking my swag.

That ain't right, homie. That ain't right. I want my cut back. That's MY cut. Yo' hair ain't even curly enough to rock it right.

More incriminating evidence.

For those of you who copped a NO BITCHASSNESS shirt... Fuck yourselves in the ass with a sick dick. I woke up today and decided I was quite tired of Diddy. I also needed to get back at Fake Janice Combs for taking all my money in a poker game but that's another story. Gimme back my $4.50 Janice Combs or I'll pour Eye of Newt juice in your wig. My momma needs her gas money. I ain't playing!

So today, the sixth of May two thousandth and eight, my ex-Bust It Baby FRESHLEY SNIPES celebrates that big 2-3. Yep, she's 23 today so there won't be a post today. We plan on hitting up every club from Idlewild to Savannah. I flew my Dereon-lined jet plane to Georgia and made a five day weekend just to kick it with baby girl. She won't join the my highly qualified line of "employess" but I'm still working on getting her a "membership".

But anyways... if you're interested about how the rest of the week may play out here's the scheduled itinerary:

Tuesday, 5:40 PM - I would have been done posting this post by then and on my way to my private hangar.

Tuesday, 5:59 PM - Me and my clique of gorillas dressed in black tees set foot on the tarmac. We bring Kizzy along (roll eyes here) to iron our drawz and throw away all prophylatics. Cause after we do what it do, we pull 'em off and throw the babies on the wall if you get my drift.

Wednesday, sometime after midnight - We arrive in Atlanta... I meet NECOLE BITCHIE at the terminal. She probably won't be too happy to see me considering I took a bat to her mailbox for sending me chain letters via text message.

Wednesday, 1:13 AM - I arrive at the Motel 6, pissed off cause Kizzy booked my at a Motel 6. Knowing I said the Sheraton, but she so used to staying at Motel 6's during her "tours" she booked it by habit.

Wednesday, 1:14:26 AM - I throw Kizzy's Chinese plate from The Wok on the ground and stomp all over it. Yah! Bitch! Yah! I briefly turn in for the night.

Wednesday, 3:49 AM - Fresh hits up the celly questioning my whereabouts. I ain't used to answering to nobody (not even my Momma)... so I go off. I come to find out that she's been partying all-damn-day with KID FURY, J, FAKE JANICE COMBS and the chicks from ALL THAT'S FAB. She also clues me in that I'm "late" and I was s'posed to be in the A Monday. Turns out Millie (who was in charge of booking my flight) got the dates wrong and I'm a day behind.

Wednesday, 3:56 AM - I cancel the whole trip and hop the first flight back to Houston (Home of The Wig Crypt) to personally put my foot in Millie's ass.

So I don't plan on being gone for long. Knowing Millie's and Kizzy's previous fuckups (flops they call albums), I won't be surprised if they ruin my little trip.

Anyways... keep it pimping.

So... TaMANeka's horseshoe apparently has a VERY big ego...

Usher has hailed fellow singer Chris Brown as a younger version of himself...

...He says, “All of this young energy is great for the industry. Chris is the guy who dances and sings, which is a lot like I do and did as a young artist as well. If time serves us correctly, and artists are continuing to better themselves, then hopefully he’ll follow the same path that I did.”

[SOURCE]

I'm not saying Usher don't got the room to say Pretty Chrissy is the next U, but damn... did he not have a bowl of humility that morning? I'm the LAST person to speak up for Pretty Chrissy, but damn juke... get off that nigga nuts. Need a condom? Some KY? I mean, damn!!!

Last time I saw an ego this big it was on Janice Dickinson. Tee-Tee was s'posed to be doing a photoshoot with Sports Illustrated and Janice Dick-in-the-mouth gone say some stupid about Tee-Tee "never gone be a big supermodel". Last time I saw Janice's ego... it was rolling on the floor along with her weave and collagen lips after my granny beat that woman like an old rug.

Real talk.

...And it's good thing that I'm under five, because I love tag. I play it occasionally with my crew. Zahara say I be hitting her too hard when I tag her. My favorite game is hide-go-get-it but I digress.

I was tagged first by SANE.

Quirky Facts

1. If it's on VH1, I'll watch it. Flavor Flav!!!

2. I often fantasize about ATL holding a Freaknik for toddlers.

3. I ghostwrite for Trina, Khia, Akon & Bow Wow. All they good shit, I wrote.

4. I like playing Jacks and Uno Cards.

5. I once helped Kizzy brush wigs in the wig crypt.

6. I don't tell a lot of people this but I suck at doing push-ups. My arms still too small to lift my body.

Now I'm tagging.

---

Now here is what you do:
1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules in your blog
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.
Now I am going to tag NECOLE, JUSTIN TIME, FAKE JANICE COMBS, RICH, ODARA & THE IPS.

If you didn't know by now, Ed Hardy is replacing Girbaud as the official clothing line of the box eaters/lick 'em low lovers.

But I digress.

What I really came to say:

Don't they look alike? The thug inside of me just wants to know?

STOP CRASHING OUR AWARDS SHOWS!!! It's the Kid's Choice Awards. Stay your over 16 asses at home. If you can't wait for the Teen Choice Awards or the BET Awards then kill yourself.

And I wanna leave a special message for Rihanna... BITCH STOP IT WITH THE UMBRELLA!!! I'm starting to think that you that Penguin dude from the Batman comic strips.



And Chris?



If I see you on the street, I'm shankin' you and jackin' your hoodie. Nickelodeon isn't for the 18+. You have MTV and VH1. That type of shit. Punk!


Whycome we still ain't seen the spawn of Thing 1 and Thing 2 above? (Nope, that wasn't a Cat In The Hat reference. It was a reference of a reference of Cat In The Hat).

SIDEBAR: Why couldn't they have a Best Thug in '08 or Best Carjacker in a Suburban Neighborhood of '08 category. I was a shoo-in!

Pimping ain't exactly a walk in the park. Every now and then I like to kick my feet up, hop in my Fisher-Price recliner, pop open a can of Mad Dog (that'll getcha right) and just relax. I also frequent blogs 'cause y'know... I'm 'hood like that. My day was pretty fine until I came cross this:

Combating bitchassness, eh?

Pot, meet kettle.

Tell the twins I wanna holla.