Get into this GloWorm going hard. His tuna on fire and his shit don't stank! The water bottle part? I can't hate. I sweated just watching him sweat. I was waiting for a Leyomi drop so I could see if my ground shook like his would have in the vid, too but... wish in one hand, shit in the other. Which fills first?

Jori sends me shit like this all the time. Yet, I still reply to her tweets like she's a real friend. I hate you a little more each day, Jori.

Slap me for thinking they'd be a Kwanza fam this year. Fuck what ya heard, my fam ain't this cruel. Ya see how Kimora is all dolled up and the baby is all precious while the kids look like slightly tragic. Slighty. Pokemon Dijimon Monsoon is a buster for putting that holiday Cosby sweater on.

Props to Q of Madbloggers. His idea for a remake of THREE'S COMPANY looks promising to me, too.

Although, Wayne is slated to go in when T.I. comes out [jail... I meant jail.], that doesn't mean he can't drop a few records beforehand. The homie ROBO3K Lil' Mama bounced us a track of Wayne and 'Em and well... I'll let Robo tell ya what happened.

Ok, so here’s what happened. Wayne called Em and was like, “Ayo… come hop on this track!” and then Em was like, “Only if I can murder you on your own song…” and Wayne was like, “Mmmm… Promethazine!” and then Em murdered Wayne on his track.

And there it is.

The title says it all. Twitter is on my nerves. That's neither good nor bad. It's complex even though it sounds really simple. For starters, my GRANNY and my TEE-TEE got pages up on there and that shit ain't cool bruh. I mean damn, my momma and Wale ol' booger nose bougie ass already on there. Now these two? Why you think I'm avoiding Facebook?

But that ain't the half. It seems like what seemed to be a good thing, has "faulted itself". You know how you follow me (you do follow me, right?) and you see me tweeting funny shit to funny people? So you follow them? And then they follow you? And so on and so forth until it's one big MyCircle type affair? Sounds cool on paper, but it ain't.

Why?

Why?


Why?

Because originality has been AWOL since the season finale of The Basic Bitches of Buckhead. Every thing The Chama say, every thing Fresh and 'nem say, every thing Lil Big Kim and Big Lil Kim and Medium Small Kim say ends up repeated twelve times the next day as if it's still funny. Basically plain ass basic tweets are becoming retweets without the "RT" in them.

If I sound like I'm in a bad mood, really I'm not. Maybe I should switch from my "Take It Down For All The Lovers Out There" iTunes playlist to my "Fuck The World And The Horse It Rode In On" playlist. Actual playlist names. R&B makes me think and Hip-Hop [any kind] makes me jig. Shit, I'd just to a Mos Def track, to an Algebra track, to Uncle Joe exclusive. But I digress.

That's not my only fault with Twitter, y'all. Besides "exclusive" circles that we all fuck and fight within, there are "inclusive" circles, if those are real words. These inclusive circles are link six degrees of separation in Twitter form. It's probably the only way you could like Ciara to the Billboard charts or Omarion to some pussy. In these inclusive circles, everybody is connected to everybody. Motherfuckers you ain't never heard of, don't know them from a box of washing powder, pop up in your timeline via @replies or that bogusoity-laced official RT button. I love receiving love in my @replies. I hate seeing strangers in my timeline via RT. Sometimes they be ugly as hell. Sometimes they be so pretty, I'm caught off guard. Sometimes... I can't. Either way, I'd like to wake up from that beautiful nightmare.

But that's not even it... It's... this:

That's my homie. We don't beef no more but still... This?

Ion't want no homo ass Goldeen nigga.

But

that






ain't







nothing







compared to








THIS:









Bruh..

Can't lie. I was jigging. They church practices Casual Sunday like a mug. They took tithes during youth choir's "Ego (Jesus Is My Savior)? Fresh your check is in the mail ----> I'm waiting to attend service the preacher says "Can Sister Becky please say amen!?" Hidden context clues: Jesus is packing? Just for reading that, you're going to hell.

You and yo' homie got ya own secret handshake? Ya like to help him manscape? Ya fam think you hitting it? Calling you homosectional slur terms? Don't trip. Tell 'em its a Rad Bromance!

For technicolor wigs and lacefronts [©Beyonceitis], visit BARRETTV on Youtube. For intense fuckery peep the vid above. I promise you life is over and the end is nigh, because suing people from YouTube on TV is the next "have a baby by Wayne, baby. Be a Young Money female recording artist". These niggas got 500 hunnid to appear on Christina's Court. Person Behind The Pimp is about to sue Solange* for emotional damages due to my paranoia that she is out to shut down my site.

SIDEBAR: Barret was supposedly suing Tiger Woods lil' brother**, but don't quote me on that.

*Jokes. Please don't sue me. I'm DEAD broke.
**More jokes. Tell me they don't favor each other though.

...news at eleven. But right now, let's talk about something that may actually happen.

Taylor Swift may snatch us all bald in 2010. Me. You. Yo' momma. Yo' cousin too. Why? Ion't know. Blame Kanye. Blame Beyonce. I mean, really. Blame them. Some drunk man gave a drunk rant on national TV about some Marmalade being did dirty and it aired back to back in one night and was scrutinized like a motor scooter the following days. INTO OBLIVION! Not that it got on our nerves or anything.

But that's neither here nor there.

Taylor Swift is blowing the fuck up. Don't get me wrong. Miss Swift was well on her way to super stardom... In her respective genre. She was killing the game. The country game. She was selling more than any other relevant, semi-relevant, and otherwise bitch in the game. Any game. Country. Hip-Hop. R&B. New Jack Swing. Jacks. Uno. House. Any game imaginable. Taylor's record "Fearless," available on iTunes, Amazon, and my trunk was selling. She was selling records. Selling 'em out! Fearless was selling out like Micheal Steele.

But that's neither here nor there nor Wal-Mart, where Fearless is also available.


Taylor was something to fuck with. Now naturally, if Taylor wished to sell music to a broader audience of people in this day and age, only one thing would have crossed the minds of the people backing her. Crossover appeal. Now I'm not sure if Fearless was that album or not, because I'm not big on my Taylor Swift or my country music. I've decided that country music isn't my cup of tea, much like time travel. Time travel is too close to yesterday and yesterday is too close to slavery, not saying country music is too close to slavery.

But that's neither here nor there nor Wal-Mart across from Planned Parenthood, down the street, where Fearless, Taylor Swift's CRITICALLY ACLLAIMED album is available for purchasing and leasing.


I keep digressing before I get the chance to get to my point. What this post is about is Grammy night. Beyonce is up for about most of the damn show. Taylor isn't too far behind, and that's quiet alright. She deserves it. She's doing what no other country star managed to do. Become relevant in music's forefront without being the butt of a joke by a majority. Hell, even Miley "Buss It Wide Open And Tell Her Bring The Best Of Both Worlds Back" Cyrus is becoming a lampshade* of her own self.

My problem is... Taylor's success was earned yet given to her. Kanye's antic caused many a motherfucker to pity Taylor. Now I don't know about you, but I know about us. Speaking on behalf of the fine people in the Chama Affialites, "You can take your pity and shove it." Pity is stupid. Sympathy's cool. Pity? Pity is what I feel for Ciara and LeToya. They working for it, but can't get it and they just look silly which makes me feel bad for 'em. Pity is what I feel for Usher's post-marriage career. Guesting on Gucci Mane tracks when you were once the shit in your own right(s)? I guess.

But that's neither here nor there nor Wal-Mart which is on the way to Planned Parenthood which is not too far from Checkers where the album's release party will be held. Hopefully. Which is where Taylor Swift's Fearless is being handed to those who purchase any combo meal on the menu.


Taylor has risen to stardom, respectively. Her backers have done well by her. Kayne did her a huge favor. MTV, The View, Ellen, Helen, Gellin', Melon all hyped up the affair, which seemed appropriate at the time, but in hindsight. I mean like... why? John Mayer said it best.

“If you just woke up now [after sleeping under a rock for a quarter decade Patrick Star style. -LCP] and you looked at the backlash on Kanye you’d think that he actually firebombed the stage."

I doubt we'd been this hateful towards bin Laden if we ever found him lounging in Sunshine Cab Company's garage, where he's really hiding. Okay, maybe not. But dammit the persecution of Yeezy would be the equivalent to the prosecution of bin Laden. I'm telling y'all! He is on the set of ABC's Taxi, chillaxing and shit!

But that's neither here nor there nor Wal-Mart some hundred miles outside of 30 Rockerfeller Plaza, which is surprisingly located near a Planned Parenthood, where Taylor Swift's album "Fearless" is being hocked by a street vendor.


I swear that's my last time digressing, you guys. The point is this... If another Taylor Swift beats Beyonce in a section of the award (if it's a questionable win)... I mean, let's dig up some old skeletons while we're at it. Beyonce won Video of the Year at the VMAs, yet she lost Best Female Video. If Beyonce had the best video overall, then by the transitive property she had the best female video. Matter fact... FUCK IT.

I digress. Yes, I digressed. I said I wasn't, but I lied. I digress.

If that shit happens again, believe you me. Taylor be nimble. Taylor be quick. Taylor gon' prove why they call her swift. Also Kanye is nom'd, but I'm sure they'll fuck him over since the world is not through torturing him. Anytime YT has a chance to torture the dark butts, YT does it.

*Lameshade hanging (or simply lampshade) - any element that threatens the audience's willing suspension of disbelief by calling attention to it... and then moving on. [SOURCE: TvTropes]

What kinda dream is this? Audio provided by Sam at Grape Juice. No grape juice if ya don't get loose!

SOUND BYTE: BEY KEYS - LOVE SONG

The Wig Crypt still hasn't found a single person to permanently fill Kizzy's void as co-managerial custodial spokeswoman and none of you nukkabitches filled out the job application. Unemployed? There's an APP for that.

1) What they call you in the streets? What would they call you on a VH1 show?



2) Are you here?

3) Are you there?

4) Are you Wal-Mart down the street from Planned Parenthood?

5) That's getting old right?

6) What does Sabor de Soledad taste like?

7) You don't know what I mean do you? Just draw a diagram.

8) Which team? Chris or Rihanna? Before you answer, I'd like to introduce you to my friend...


9) Do you know where I can find Felicia? She borrowed my DVD player and I just got Season 2 of "Go! Diego! Go!" and I wanna get into that fuckery real bad!

10) What kinda undiscovered beauty do you posses inside?

11) Are you tryna get verfied?

12) You'll be verified, as soon as I'm verified.

13) AZ Lyrics is on the phone. They want you to stop posting incorrect spellings on their site. Would you like to speak with them or shall I take a message?

14) Are you kin to a famous rapper? As of late, not like Kriss Kross famous. I mean like right now famous.

15) Is Lori Beth Denberg alive or what? I heard she was stabbed to deceasedment and I feel like the world went 'nanners after she left the chair on "Vital Information: For Your Everyday Life". While she was there, the young'ns had some fucking sense.

16) Also, after All That was "de-urbanized" did it not suck or what?

17) I want some animal crackers in the worst way. If I sent you to the store to fetch me something besides animal crackers what would you bring me?

18) If Kizzy came back and wanted her old job, how fast could you empty your desk and be pulling out of the House of Dereon Media Centre's parking lot?

19) If not Fresh, then who?

20) Caldonia? Define it.

21) Is it easy to love me now? Would you love me if I was down and out?

I blame the Internet for making music production software and licensed instrumentals of yesteryear so damn readily accessible.

Uncle Russell donates his two cents to the Tiger Wood's hoeshit epidemic that Alicia Keys brought to the forefront and Karrine pioneered. Before you read the quote, imagine him saying this with the heavy lisp, fat tongue, and barrage of curse words. I WILL NOT DO A LOST IN TRANSLATION, but I was tempted.

"A woman [no matter what race] will smash your windshield if she finds out that you got girls all over the country. Whether they use a golf club, a football helmet, a baseball bat or a preacher’s wife using a heavy cross… You can say hello to the guys at auto body shop for me." [SOURCE]

God is love. Rev Run.

I'll. be. damned. if. this. ain't. the. fuckery. to. end. all. fuckery. Get at him ladies. All that gutty is for y'all and I know you birds want a piece. This cat call himself Young Melo, but to me he's just the Creole version of Goo Berry. Team Chunk, come get ya fam.

And that's all I have to say about  that.

Good fuckery is hard to find and good fuckery is in order. If you're like me then you miss watching Frankie & Neffe buy furniture and kick down doors looking for Clyde. I don't know where Clyde is nor do I know when Frankie & Neffe is coming back... But at least I have YouTube.

Cherish the fuckery around the 1:47 mark. : )