My Granny said that Tee-Tee is chunking deuces after this Sasha Fierce shit is done with so my momma can take her spot as the head Knowles in charge.
My Pop Pop told me that it was against his best interest to let Tee-Tee retire, but Granny had put it on him SO good one night, he just couldn't say no. He had her saying "No, don't stop" or some shit like that....
My Cousin Angie said she's tired of carrying around the brown paper sack full of Fire Engine No. 3 red lip gloss.
My Aunt Kiz said she admires any choice that Tee-Tee makes and she hopes that she can find a cigarette mascot to snatch her up, put a ring on her, knock her up, and pay her way on the senior citizen discounted price when they go to the picture show.
That Millie chick said she wants some time off but the Wig Crypt needs her now more than ever.
That Rihanna chick said "This baahd. This 'ery, badman. No way me get Grammy now daht she bahck. What I do? What I do? Muhdda, told me days like this come. I seen I shoulda lissen."
That Sandra Rose chick said, "At night. When ya for and I'm alone. I feel the fabric of your freakum dress flow over my body."
That Beyonceitis fool gone say I pimped his style and jacked his swagger.
What is you gone say?
My Granny said that Tee-Tee is chunking deuces after this Sasha Fierce shit is done with so my momma can take her spot as the head Knowles in charge.
I'm through pimpin' y'all.
I done changed.
I ain't a thug no mo'.
I'm no longer a hoodlum.
I'm a Christian.
I've seen the error in my ways.
All truth. Real talk, no game no gimmicks. I put that on stack. I don't thug no mo'.
I got tired of running from the law. I got tired of helping Granny rob the polyester factory...I got tired of being the getaway driver when I was damn well good enough to help hold up the joint. I got tired of Granny telling me to, "Keep the car running and stay there no matter if the police show up." I got tired of my momma coming down to the precinct and picking us up. I got tired of Granny telling Momma, "Watch yo' goddamn mouth, So... I brought you in this world, I'll choke yo' ass from passenger seat and take you out. You ever got choked while driving a car, Solo?" I got tired of it.
I got tired of arguing with Zahara in the McDonald's parking lot. I got tired of her questioning my actions. I got tired of her telling me I got too much damn money to be pushing that good. I got tired of buying her shit with that money I got from pushing that good and she acting like it wasn't good enough. I got tired of paying good money, taking her places, and she act like she can't comb her damn head. I got tired of it.
I got tired of Rick Ross asking me to "show him the ropes". I got tired of rolling with Plies and his cell phone would ring, and the ringtone would be "BITCH, STOP CALLING ME," by Dem Franchize Boyz and he talmbout "Yo' Granny calling again." I got tired of telling her after he dump the mayonnaise off in ya salad, he don't call no more. I got tired of sitting her down and telling her to charge it to the game. I got tired of her going to her "creative room" and sewing up monstrosities out of pure angst. You ever heard of people eating their emotions? Granny sews her emotions.
Another dark phase, but she had more
There have been far worse tragic cases, but I've digressed far too much.
Like I said, I can't pimp no more. My probation thang gon' be aight... I'm a child of the Savior. My probation thang gon' be aight. I been down by the riverside and I let the water wash over my Caesar. My probation thang gon' be aight. Then I got some chicks to snatch these waves out and put my hair in a perm. My probation thang gon' be aight.
Until I get off probation... I can't pimp it like I used to.
...make me laugh, dammit.
Think you funny? Think you got jokes? Think YOU can make me double over with laughter?
A lie, nigga, a lie!
Using the comments sections, that you frequent but never manage to post in, fabricate your own lil' lies concerning my peoples, families, business associates, and undesirables. If you make me shoot Welch's from my nostrils in glee, I may break ya off a lil' something-something.
Also... I have set aside my beef with Beyonceitis, but it's just temporary. I still keep a small dagger in my boot holster for the day that bastard turn on me. But anyways, homie switched up the WIG CRYPT'S flow. That's a good look, better yet a hood look. They done redecorated and it only cost me $3460.98... Yep, I had to foot the bill, but don't worry... it's coming outta Kizzy's paycheck and Millie's album sales.
Making that ass roll like some 24s, then this nigga came and fucked everything up... or was it too late?
You be the judge.
Readers looka here...
Every now and again we like to salute a comrade (who shall remain nameless) whose birthday is today. Why are we saluting him? Because we use his likeness and his caretakers haven't slapped us in the face with one of Matthew Knowles' Stacy Adams of Injustice. Thank you, guys. Thank you for not kicking down my door and throwing Creole Seasoning in my eyes while Johnny Law put the cuffs on me. Thank you for not writing a song about me and putting it on the I Can't Clearance Mixtape. You've probably done that and I'll probably cry when I hear it, because I supported you by running out and buying my very own copy of Sol-Angel and The I Ain't Bought A Goddamn Thang.
You know it's hard out here for a pimp, when a pimp's readership wants a daily laugh and you just can't deliver. A fellow blogger once told me, there's only so many ways you can tell the same joke.
"Lacefront this. Bitch I stole yo' crayons that. I threw Mama from the train this. I play in traffic and hiss at photogs that."
I mean, cut me some slack readership. When I come across tidbits of that goodshit you know I'm more than willing to lace you up nice and properlike. But enough about that....
Happy fourth birthday, young toddler who shall remain nameless. Slap a ho for me, which is something you'd NEVER do so I'll change that to hiss at the paparazzi for me and if they tell you that's a great expression you slap them for me. That's something your mom would do.
Ashanti: So like I was saying, all you need to do is entrepreneurize all yo' endeavors.
LCP: Oh, word?
Ashanti: Yep, take yo' drug game, yo' pimp game, yo' video games and hustle all that shit out the same trunk and then you gon' be able to pay for yo' own studio time and not rely on yo' fam... I mean look at what it did to every non-Blonde in your genus.
LCP: You make a good point.
Zahara: Can you hurry up?
Ashanti: Oh I'm sorry... Your total is $7.56... pull around, pay then pick up at the last window.
LCP: That sounds mad familiar, mayne.
Ashanti: Oh, you musta saw my interview with BEYONCEITIS ... we was talmbout you I think.
LCP: Yeah, I remember that shit. False identity, huh? I'll bust a dent in yo' ass and it won't be false. If I didn't have my girl in the passenger, I'd get out the whip, walk in there and start flipping tables and shit.
Zahara: Pull around, Dee.
*pulls around to the next window; pays for food; pulls up to the next window.*
Zahara: You always gotta be trippin...
LCP: Calm ya nerves...
Zahara: Don't talk to me like that, Dee.. I'm sick of you talking down to me, like I'm one of yo' sidelines. I'm in the game... I don't ride the bench and I don't cheer for nobody. I ain't no sideline ho, Dee. I ain't one of them chicks in the streets that you throw in the sheets. I'm a lady.
LCP: Who said you was?
Zahara: Gimme my food!!!
LCP: You can stop holla'n!
*LCP takes food from the Marsha Warfield (google her) looking chick and hands them to Zahara, and puts the car in drive*
Zahara: Uhn-uh!!! Whatchu doing?!?!
LCP: What you steady holla'n fo' girl.
Zahara: How you gon' pull off and I ain't check the food yet?
*going through foods*
Zahara: No this good googly moogly Project Pat looking heffa did not give us both boy toys.
LCP: Here we go again.
Zahara *yelling at woman in window*: Excuse me miss... um... you didn't give me a female toy in my Happy meal. I am not leaving until I get one.
LCP: It ain't that serious.
Zahara: Yes it is, they got them My Little Ponies with the the lil' hairbrushes again. I want my shit! I want my shit! You finna gimme my My Little Pony and the toy hairbrush.
Woman Working Window: You need a damn hairbrush.
Zahara: No... she... didn't...
*Zahara opens the door and hops out the car, rushing towards the drive thru window*
LCP: I shoulda never got back with yo' ass.
*LCP burns rubber*
This has been "Boy Toy Happy Meal (skit w/ Zahara)" Skit titled submitted by SoulStolen.
If I learnt anything from 5Ton4Head's swag... I learnt that thou shall not drop ANYTHING whilst in a Beyoncé era. Not a single. Not a album. Not even a loan. You see what happened to Lehman Brothers? Tee-Tee got skills so crucial she got nigs filing bankruptcy. I bet you two dollars and a fake tracklisting of her new album that when she drops her new shit the economy picks back up.
But I digress.
Like I was saying... 5TonBrokeHead made me realize this. If you wanna do it big, you gotta do it in Tee-Tee's abscense. So I'ma drop ANOTHER on y'all lames. HURRY UP & BUY!
1. Random Rants (Intro) (feat. Gov. Sarah Palin)
2. It's The Remix, Baby (The Bitch I Stole Yo' Crayons Remix) (feat. Lil' Wayne)
3. Codiene + Pediasure
4. Hustlin' On The Playground
5. I Got That Good Burried Under The Swingset
6. The Jungle Gym 'Long To Me
7. RAUUUUS! (feat. Rick Ross)
8. Bobby By The Pound, Whitney By The Key (Miss Kelly By The Guap) (samples UGK's The Game Belong To Me)
9. Feed Me Arnolds Or Feed Me Beats
10. I Got All The Bitches (feat. Flava Flav & Missy Elliot)
11. Nickolodeon > Disney Channel
12. Worst Of One World (Fuck Miley Cyrus)
13. We Rock That Tacky Shit (feat. Granny & Tee-Tee)
14. If I Were A Carter
Good news, G's & Gents... ladies and shawties. I was the second person in my fam to win an award. So I treated myself to a nice lil' vacation. No Kizzy mistying my shoes, no Millie tryna get me to boost her CDs, and no blogging. Sorry folks... I know y'all was experiencing a man down sitchuation but shit, whatevs. I'm back now... If you don't like it, you can go back to hell.
In true Knowles fashion, y'all finna buy my shit or another R&B chick will unexpetedly fall onstage, mid performance [see we do promote Millie].
1. I Love It When Ya Call Me Baby Daniel (intro)
2. I'm An Accelerated Reader
3. I Drinks Mah Similac Laced With Some 'Yak
4. Ur Mah Baby (f/ Ashanti)
5. Freak Me Baby (f/ Ashanti)
6. Do Me Baby (f/ Ashanti)
7. Baby To The Fourth Power (f/ Ashanti)
8. I Came To Break Shit
9. Fuck A Flashing Light (f/ Kanye West)
10. Desert Storm (f/ Uncle Joe)
12. You Noticed We Skipped Eleven
13. Big Pimpin' (The We Got It Like That 'Cause We Thuggin' Remix) (f/ Plies, Rick Ross & Bow Wow)
14. Audio Freeloadin' (ft DJ Khaled, DJ Felli Fell, DJ Unk, DJ Greg Street, and DJ from down the street)
15. Fuck What Ya Heard (freestyle)
16. Kizzy Ain't Shit To Me (skit f/ Tee-Tee & Momma)
17. Find Me In The UK (f/ Amerie & Kizzy)
18. Untitled (Outro)
...you fucking better. I'm the Lil' Creole Pimp Formerly Known as Baby Daniel. I struggled and strived to win this award. Do you KNOW how hard it is to type out long, drawn out BS about BS just so I can BS with y'all? It's like taking standardized-tests...
I'd like to thank the fans. 'Specially the ones that currently frequent the comments section like Vanz, filthyCharm, Quick, Fake Frakie Cool (side-eye), MJ, and many others... I would name you all but they're starting to play the "wrap-it-up" music and now I have to go buss a few heads for rushing me.
Keep it pimping, pimping.
So Tip wanna go and perform with 5Ton? Hmm... Okay... I was just finna patch up with King for stealing my style... but you just fucked up alla that.
I dedicate this post to the unfortunate looking ones in The Tribe Called Harris. May they grow into their looks.
SIDEBAR: No one is immune here.
That's T-Baby's number... HERE'S her Myspace. Call that heffa and tell her to blame it being so cold in the D on global warming.
UPDATE: I sent her one fucking text and now she keep calling me. I'm finna send Millie by the D.
Dear Savvy,I got what I THOUGHT was invite to ya Ti-Ti's 30-something'ish (<--cuz we've all seen the TRILL burf date!) bday party. When I opened it up, I was surprised to see NOT an invite covered in a lock of #27 Curly Fry...OH NO! But an SOS...written in blood and lacefront glue...from Kizzy and Michelle. Is torturing the souls and careers of lesser-talented individuals the way your Ti-Ti is celebrating her third decade?! Shouldn't she be rallying the troops to go to the nearest FYE to make it rain on ya mama's crumb-wiper instead?
Didn't nobody invite you to the party. You had to be of Creole origin, a Louisianian descendant, from the H, or a Popeye's delivery person to attend this fiesta-fiesta. That was just Cousin Angie playing a joke on you for swagger jacking her alias. She was the ORIGINAL Savvy Fatty. She just needed to gain a lil' bit mo' but you know how my Pop-Pop is. Slapping chicken thighs outta her hand before she could stick 'em in her mouth. Something tragic. And no my Tee-Tee is NOT 30-something. That's my Uncle Joe.
And as for my mother's "crumb-wiper", I would like to, on behalf of Savvy's fuckupings, alert all readers. Make one mo' motherfucking joke about my momma's CD going half a Miss Kelly and we gon' swab! We all know that Sam Goody and Billboard are the ones to blame.
Happy B'Day, Tee-Tee. I got you a new outfit, complete with matching hair and a dildo skirt. You know you like that.
SIDEBAR: Swagger jacking, right?
Tomorrow is Judgment Day. No, God isn't about to smite that ASS for buying up the bar til you can't no mo' at the Red Rooster on Two Dollar Drink Night and not putting no money in the collection plate the following morning. Tomorrow, Billboard may or may not acknowledge my momma's new COASTER.
Being Knowles, we don't stop... we don't quit. We have to put y'all up on game for the next release...
So my Granny got a HOT NEW CD coming, right? It's gon' be bigger than Rasputia drawers. Here's a cut from the record that didn't make the final tracklist.
My daughter's really different
Sometimes I think she's a goddamn fool
I made her stay in the kitchen
And help Kelly serve us food, ooh
My firstborn she's the breadwinner
The other one helps fix bread for dinner
Go head BABY! Go head baby
Just don't break my new stove...
Celestine "Big Red" Knowles - I Decided
Something like that...
ATTENTION: This is in no, way, shape, form, fashion, or fabrication a swaggerjackeration of Beyonceitis' Wig Crypt... I just got bored and thought some shit up, while I was listening to I Decided from my brand new copy of Sol-Angel & The HadleyStreetDreams that I just bought. (SHEEEEEEITTTTTTTT)
'Sup, pimps and pimpettes. It's the Mini-Pimp, Iceberg Criollo...
Not much to say since old pussy ass Gustav been giving my peoples problems. All of Houston is being flooded with the Nolians... no problems with 'em 'cept Young Mo-Mo from 9th Ward by the way of Zone 4 owes me gas money from that time we helped 'em 'vacuate. No problems with the Nolians, though. If I had a problem with them as a whole, why would I employ Juvie Jay to put y'all up on policital GAME?
But I digress.
Had to let y'all know that the boy is a finalist in the BlackWeb Blog Awards. It's too late to vote for ya boy. That ended on the 31st. I was meaning to post this earlier but I been sidetracked... Had to join my momma's security detail ever since she took her earrings off on that news reporter. Fake Frankie Cole got ticked off and [HIT HER UP] said she was gone "put her foot so far down Solange's esophagus, she'd be shitting stilleto spikes for a week." And I gotsa to protect my fam...
Again, I digress. That's why I've been so behind though.
Winner announcements come through on Thursday. CROSS YA FANGAHS!
[From the desk of the Lil' Creole Pimp]
Aye, this ya pimp, pimp. I be on my social, economic, Hadley Street conscious tip, y'know. But sometimes there are topics that my lil' three year old mind can't possibly be up on game with. Y'dig?
But I had to give it to y'all nice and easy... So I brought in reinforcements. I called up an old juvenile, I used to roll with... JUVENILE.
Expect him to give ya the business, when the pimp just can't fuck with it.
About McCain's VP choice:
I don't see the problem... Me and the STREPT THROAT CLIQUE [I gotta stay awat from Fresh's comments section] did the damn thing on this one.
Ay... Momma, you a punk. You could NOT pay me to apologize for some shit.... Then again, you put up a high price and I may cut you a deal...
I just got done doing the Early Show which went so good. I just wanna tell everyone thank you so much for going out and getting the record. I've been hearing great things and uh... all of that feels amazing for me. The record is doing good by my standards.
What she REALLY meant was...
Um... I just got through sweeping up the backstage area and nobody ran through my area after I finished mopping. YAY! I had enough time to go back to the broom closet and light some 'dro. I wanna thank y'all for going out and buying Sol-Angel & The Martin Luther King Blvd Nightmares [I see you FRESH -LCP]. I've been told it has done okay... I'm just happy that Billboard RETURNS my calls. The album is planned to outsell Miss Kelly, HOPEFULLY!Get it now?
Now I ask: What will you be doing today?
In preperation for my momma shitting on you hoes tomorrow, I wanted to show some love to the rest of The Undesirables today.
Here's my favorite Kizzy video.
EDIT: Fuck y'all mean that's not Kizzy?
Mayne, I was at the crib eating my Granny's world famous Chitlin Pot Pie, just pissed off. For what reasons... I got a few... I'ma put y'all up on game and make a hit list. For those of you who don't know how the game go (and the simple mofos who ain't bought my DICTIONARY)...
1. HIT LIST - is a list of persons I plan on fighting, jumping, shanking, shooting, and/or Ike Turner booting.
Here's a few names that I have on my current hit list:
1. 5TON4HEAD - You already know I'ont like you. I wish you would and the dude you bearding for would just fall into oblivion. You ain't Creole, live with it.
2. PRETTY CHRISSY - Since your name done came up, I just wanna say go sitcho Plies Ross ass down somewhere.
3. FAKE FRANKIE COLE - My momma bought yo' BOOK and tried to give me a whooping... whilst a pimp was in the damn bathtub. Fuckery. If I wasn't birthday-suited up, we woulda fought. Sitcho uncute ass down somewhere if you know what's coming fo' ya.
4. THIS BIG CHICK - Let go of that there gal... She got her giraffe print on but she is not edible. Give her to me. I'll take her. (Ol' girl got enough skin to break the tat-tat-tatted up world record)
5. TEE-TEE - Remeber that day, you was on the set of Chess Records? We made that emergency Popeyes run 'cause you was going through withdrawals. At first you thought you could go without for a good couple of days, but when you started throwing your removable hairs at Kizzy we had to hurry up and get you some of that spicy chicken.... But that's not why I'm gunning for you... remember when Farrah rang us up and you picked up the bag... and dropped my damn wild rice? Oh... payback's a motherfucker.
6. FARRAH - What the fuck you give her the bag for? Fake ass green eyes.
7. ASHANTI'S LIL' SISTER SHIA - For being the lil' sister that's bigger than the big sister. I'm playing... Real reason: remember the time we was at Ruby Tuesday's and my Granny Tina ran into yo' Mammy Tina and they
8. KIDS OF DIDDY - Because yo' momma won't return my texts.
9. SUGE KNIGHT - You still running around talmbout you won that fight. I beat yo' ass. Admit it.
10. LaMICHAEL - 'Cause yo' NORWEGIAN SWAGGER is creeping up on my Creole and getting way too close for comfort.
This list is not complete...
I got some good news and some bad news...
GOOD NEWS: Momma album has packaging and album art... Its release is coming up! Word?
BAD NEWS: If karma come back to bite her in the ass, for them thank-you's, I'm moving in with Granny.
Lil' Rock, his Moms, and his lil' bro stepped out the house the other day. FRESH thinks he's the relevant one of the clique. To me, he still ain't shit... I got a box of Air Heads for anybody who can prove me wrong.
People often ask why I dislike him... that's a story for another time... I do have a poem I want to recite that's dedicated to young Rodney punk ass:
Okay you niggas wanna throw bottles and hoe swallow
My niggas they throw throw hollows then more follow
Like TNT I know drama, so I'ma... keep that AK like Osama
Fuck an honor
Motherfucker fuck ya momma to the tenth power
Fill his body with enbalmer, him a goner
Stop a nigga like a comma
But we got that white boy, that snow, that informer
-Lil' Wayne "STAND UP" by Lil' Scrappy
Readers looka here...
Every now and again, I gotta give EVERYBODY (stans, fans, haters & laffy taffy, pigeon pussy heffas) a crash course in what they call "copy-cats" and "swagger-jackers".
You get in your vehicle, presumably a Chevy Cavalier from the late 90s with a busted taillight and it ALWAYS runs hot, and you drive to your local gas station. You got the munchies like a motherfucker so you commence to buy up the store with your EBT card.
You approach the junk food aisle, potato chips to be exact. What catches your eye?
Lays Sour Cream & Onion or the Golden Flake look-a-like brand.
You buy the Lays Sour Cream & Onion because it's "better' than Golden Flake. I mean, it's Lays. Lays > Golden Flake. That's a given.
You then scurry to the freezer and you get all excited (because you're high as fuck) to see the random assortments of soda pop. What catches your eye the most?
Coca-Cola: The Real Thing or Faygo's Cola look-a-like.
COKE! Duh... it's Coke. And plus it has a name associated with an illicit drug. You're already high. Let's "get high" some mo'!
This little exercise in fuckery has been brought to you by the letters Eff You See Kay & Why Oh You. The analogy I used is about THE LIL' CREOLE PIMP CHRONICLES (oops, I did it again) and BEYONCEITIS' WIG CRYPT.
Wig Crypt came first. Of course it's the favorite. I came second or third or fourth. OF COURSE, I'm the wannabe.
I was sitting on my deluded ass one day (at my desktop of course, because I have no life as my "fanbase" would argue) and thought , "Hey! I should take a "celebrity's" (even though she couldn't even buy fame at the time despite her sister's pockets sitting on F) offspring, give them a persona, a fake moniker that easily associates with them, and use them make general jokes in a blogging enviroment. No of course I wasn't... But if I did that BEFORE the onset of Beyonceitis, no one would have cared. Beyonceitis got popular because people Googled the shit outta Beyonce and Beyonceitis contains the word Beyonce and word of mouth and shit out that nature. My point is it's related to Beyonce. Beyonce has millions of die hard fans, ready to slit their wrists at her command. How many fans does Juelz have, that aren't related to him? Who the hell woulda Googled him at 3:30 AM on a school night?
No, I'm not knocking the Itis in any shape, form or fashion. I'm just proving my longwinded point.
Beyonceitis is Coca-Cola, Lil' Creole Pimp is the generic spinoff. You like Beyonce for these reasons. Compared to Beyonce, Amerie and them are just like Faygo & Big Shot. Coke is a franchise. You buy it because it's good. It touches you on the inside parts. It's "better" than the generic shit that us other folk kinda sorta like to indulge. Beyonce is a franchise, A NAME... her competitors, not so much. So I guess I'm the generic Beyonceitis. Even though we're two different things. Nah, not really. I'm like Solange. As much as I try to run from my family connections peoples always gotta say "she ain't no Beyonce".
Okay, now I forgot my point. Let me re-read this shit, real quick.
*reads the line a crash course in what they call "copy-cats" and "swagger-jackers"*
Oh yeah... We're [Big Shot, Faygo, Golden Flake, Amerie, Solange and this blog] not copycats... we just kinda sorta used examples started by others and tried to be a little different. We don't wanna do what the fast soft drinks, potato chips, girls, and blogs do. They just came before us. They got a rep before we did. Their loyal legion of suicidal, homicidal, asexual fans frown upon us because it shows that they "support" their favorite soft drinks, potato chips, girls, and blogs.
This may've made NO sense. I may have spent a good half-hour talking [typing] outta my ass. I may just be too lazy to Google pics and stories and poke fun at them like respectable bloggers do. If it didn't make any sense and you read this much of it, then you don't make sense; therefore, we have lots in common. Beaucoups of varities of fuckery!
I completely get where you [anti-Creole Pimps] are coming from. I'm Faygo. I'm honored to be Faygo. Drink me up. Drink me down. Squeeze my bottle. Then litter your local highway with my remains. At least you're reading the shit I write, that's what really matters. ;)
Readers looka here...
Every now and again some sensitive motherfuckers flood ya inbox with bullshit. It's been a while since I've received blatant hate. Okay, that's a motherfucking lie... I get hated on daily... so I past it down to my readers through blog posts of the every-day fuck-ups of celebrities and especially celebrities (and Kizzy) from the Knowles family.
Supposedly, somebody (not naming names BECAUSE I KNOW WHO YOU IS!) thinks I'm seriously jacking Beyonceitis's style. Okay, send in the clowns... I'm finna call the Bloggers' patent department and ask 'em if homie from Beyonceitis trademarked their style of comedy. No fuck all that... I ain't got time to call up these folks. I'm too busy, copying and pasting, flipping birds, turning tricks, fondling haters' nuts, dumpster diving through Cousin Angie's trashcans and searching Google to find the best voodoo novelty shops in my area. In other words, I got too much shit to do to be jacking anybody's style.
In my humble-even-though-it-doesn't-matter-'cause-just-like-assholes-everybody-has-one-opinion, THE LIL' CREOLE PIMP CHRONICLES (yeah, I linked you back to this site) and BEYONCEITIS'S WIG CRYPT have similar styles in parody but distinct styles in joke delivery.
I'm playing the role of a fucking toddler, who by the way is turning four or five soon (I don't really know... like it matters), so bring ya own beer 'cause we gon' party. Beyonceitis exposes the crystal clear fact that Beyoncé shits on the game on the daily. Janet can sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl with no bra on, no shirt on and Beyoncé will sing the national anthem remixed by Just Blaze at the Pro Bowl in her birthday suit. Beyoncé will shit on her. Rihanna can win seven Grammys this coming award season (sheeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiit) and Matty Matt will buy the Grammy Association and give Beyoncé every damn award, make up categories and shit. Beyoncé will shit on her. Teairra Mari can say the Pledge of Allegiance at your local elementary school's field day and Beyoncé will start a coast-to-coast tour going throughout the country performing the pledge, the national anthem and singing a medley of Destiny's Child's, Destiny's Baby's, Destiny's Stepsister's, Destiny's Half-Brother's Cousin's songs at local elementary and preschools. She will then make this tour worldwide even stopping in the Middle East thus forth bring peace to the current warring countries. Beyoncé will take a diarrhea shit on her. The clock will strike noon... Aretha Franklin will jump the moon and Beyoncé will be waiting on the Asteroid Belt, pants down, ass up after eating tacos and burritos at El Sombero (LaTavia will be her cashier, of course). Beyoncé will take a galaxial shit on her.
You see how I got off-topic, sorta swagger jacking Beyonceitis in the process? Yeah that's signs of how much I don't give a shit who you think I swagger jack. Only reason I made a post about it was on account of the celebrity world lacking the utmost Grade A Fuckery that I'm willing to post.
Kick rocks, shit bricks, and piss tugboats. It's your urethra not mine.
Put me on the remix. I been grinding since I was in diapers... I see you Young Buck.
[niggasliealot]I can't hate...[/niggasliealot]
They must not know I kept that heavy metal like Aerosmith... So I gotta put y'all up on some game once again
SHIT YOU DON'T DO AROUND A KNOWLES
1. Never eat some Popeyes and refuse to share.
2. Don't say nothing like, "Kizzy is part of the family."
3.Never praise Ashanti's latest dance move [varation of her world famour hair-rub, hip tap].
4. Never take Pop-Pop's name in vain.
5. Don't say nothing like, "Creole is just a fancy word for light skin."
6. Don't say nothing like, "Beyoncé is cool BUT I like _________ better."
7. Don't FUCK with the gumbo!
8. Never refuse to sign the contract. We [me and Millie] will drape you over the ledge of a 56th floor. window.
9. Never try to sing lead.
10. Never tell Uncle Joe he too old to participate in family festivities [backyard volleyball, driveway basketball, neighborhoodrat shit, bringing that Chevy to a real slow creep, collaborating on the latest Miss Kelly re-re-release track (like that's gon' happen), etc.
What am I gon' do with you?!
...watch her crank and watch her roll! Roll her tongue across the plateau of her gums, that is. I'm fuckin' with ya' FRANKIE F BABY!
Is yo' favorite rapper a fake? Is they pumpfaking? Did they get a nursing degree? Did they push drugs inside the pen before they clocked in and open and close cells for the man?
Are you tired of these fugazzi ass niggas?
Including the The Little Creole Pimp Formerly Known As Baby Daniel's version to "A Milli"...
I'm that Dereon millionaire
With the soft Creolian hair
My granny so unfair, she'll beat my ass anywhere
I shank anyone I please... Lil' Rock tryna creep on my steez
Don't waste my time 'cause I won't hesitate to blow ya mind
Shank 'em or shoot 'em? There is a thin line
All my seconds and big faces go to the almighty dollar
And the almighty Power of Celestine & Matty
LaTavia, LaToya, LaKelly & other lames hoes
You'll get nowhere in this biz without the last name Knowles
Tell Ashanti ha-ha-ha-ha
Nelly won't let you see plat'num
He go by Uncle Joe's rules
So why the fuck did you get at 'em
You need to boss up ya status
Or at least switch to acting
Or marry a Creole... but I ain't tryna get atcha
I got some good news and some bad news...
GOOD NEWS: I'm finna start dating again after my quiet yet ugly separation with Zahara.
BAD NEWS: I'm throw bricks through Necole Bitchie's Pontiac if she don't return my messages...
Funny, right? You think I'm playin?
I'm pretty sure y'all done heard all the bad news. Bernie and Isaac are in the Upper Room acting a fool together right now. Even though they done gone to glory and doing it big with Jesus, we down here mourning the loss. 'Specially my Granny... Here we go, at the house... chillaxin... snacking on Chitlin Pop Pie like the run-of-the-mill Creolians we are... and BAM! Bernie Mac has died, y'all. Granny 'bout lost her mind. I'm pretty sure her wig was the first thing to fly across the room followed by coffee mugs, picture frames, couch cusions, Kizzy, my Baby Jamz boom box... And by time we sat her down and got her reorientated... BAM! Isaac Hayes gone too. By now she was just plumb-tuckered out... so she took the wig off, squeezed all the sweat out of it, and just said, "Fuck it! Take me too, Lord."
We spent about an hour tryna stop her from jump into a bot of boiling fish grease but that's another story....
Rest In Paradise, Isaac Hayes.
Readers looka here... every now and again we gotta bow our heads in remembrance of fallen greats.
Rest in paradise, Bernie Mac. You will surely be missed.
This weekend the mini-pimp has no plans. Don't nobody wanna chill witcha boy because I'm "beefing" with Beyonceitis... not really... they just some lying ass, hating ass, faking ass peoples. I got that lying ass, hating ass, faking ass line from Flavor of Love season two. That was my show for a minute.
But I digress.
The pimp still ain't tripping. Shank missing but I'm gon' make it through the fire. I'ma just go to Bobby Buford's BBQ & Gun Range and buy some heavy metal for that ass.
Again, I digress.
My real point is the girl S A V V Y sat a pimp down and gave 'em tough love over a rib plate dinner at Bobby Buford's BBQ & Gun Range and over some dessert at Satlina's Ice Cream Stand. We pigged out and she chewed the boy out. Literally, she bit me... I was dripping neopolatin on my shirt and she went in for the nipple. She told me just do like she do "when gum bumpin', concrete stompin' fake as dildo hoes be on her tip..." [her words, not mine] She never finished the lecture because I refused to buy her another ice cream cone and she hailed a cab and hightailed it.
So I'ma do what she do... and since she ASKING HER FANS for a lil' Q & A or T & A or whatever... I'ma give y'all the pimpurtunity to get to know ya boy Iceberg July a lil' mo better. Ask me anything. Any question you want. I'ma answer it... just as long as it's not something that'll getcho' ass shot.
Life's been hard since them pumpfakin', fugazzi, fugugly fools at Beyonceitis been spreading this libal 'bout ya boy Rumplepimpskin. Everything is changing... I go to the playground, the kids point and laugh. Kick the lil' woodchips in my face... Big Ton aka Latarian Milton aka the fat seven year old that beat his granny up at Wal-Mart won't even help me fight no mo'. I go to preschool and Lil' Rock be tryna jack me for my Legos. Him and his brother be tryna jump me in the corner and shit. I go home and when I yell at my Momma she actually pulls her belt off and threatens to whoop me. SOME NEW SHIT!
My Daddy even started showing up at the house yelling and shit... Talmbout he on MySpace claiming me... telling everybody he got a son who'll beat the fear of God into Hitler and I'm running 'round gettin A's for rhyming shit with freakum.
I can't do this. I'm 'bout to hurt somebody, somewhere. Beyonceitis... I'm callin' ya bluff... I got a surprise for you. I made a few friends with yo' enemies. How ya love that? How'd I do that? Went a lil' something like this:
Three-way phone call with Jennifer Hudson, Ashanti & KeKe Wyatt.
Hudson: So what you sayin' is... Baby Daniel want us to join ranks with us?
Ashanti: Yeah... He stopped by Orange Julius today and I was on break and told me.
Hudson: Did he hurt you girl?
Wyatt: Nah, he couldn't have... I stole his shank last Sunday. It fell out his coat pocket when he was walkin' up the church steps. He ain't gettin' it back, neither.
Ashanti: Nah... he was calm, cool and collected. At first I mistook him for the run of the mill toddler. Then he got close up on me and them blue eyes and that red hair was all too familiar. I yelled raped, because my counselor told me if I was ever in danger to yell rape because people in the vicinity will respond to a rape alert as opposed to a fight... They'll just watch a fight.
Wyatt: That's true. Especially if you stabbing somebody. Somebody may call 911... but other than that they won't try to help.
Ashanti: But I think it's a good idea. I say we should join ranks with him and take down Beyonceitis.
Wyatt: You got me fucked up... I ain't finna fall for no tricks. He probably just tryna get us in the same 'round and pistol whip us again.
Hudson: No he not... He can't pistol whip shit... You ain't read what Beyonceitis said about him? He a punk. He made up his whole gangsta lifestyle.
Wyatt: I don't believe shit they say... They said Beyonce was gonna drop 12 albums this year. One for each month. I can drop 24 albums in one year, TWO for each month and help Avant turn tricks to pay his water bill.
Hudson: Avant turning tricks again?
Wyatt: Yeah... and everytime he fucks up who he call? KeKe! That's who... when Jay fucks up... who he call? Beyoncita! That heffa. Too bad he couldn't return the favor with Deja Vu... she had to call Ne-Yo sugar tank ass to help with that... Shame. If I woulda did Deja Vu it would went number one and then some.
Hudson: Can't we just wait for the government to find a cure for Beyonceitis. I heard they were really close.
Ashanti: Nah, I'm not tryna be like Amerie and just wait... Go overseas and just wait... Have you seen her, lately? Child look like... Can I put y'all on hold for a minute? I got some business to take care of really quick
KeKe: Don't have us waiting forever.
Wal-Mart Customer Service... Ashanti speaking... How may I help you? You need to call the electronics department for that... Yeah, I think it's just bananas that they make you call the whole damn store, too. Thanks for choosing Wal-Mart... Have a good day.
I'm back y'all.
Wyatt: I know this girl ain't working at no Wal-Mart.
Ashanti: I got bills to pay, KeKe. This good-good ain't enough to them taxes taxed and them bills billed. And its mo' than what you doing, KeKe.
Wyatt: Don't trip. I could work at Wal-Mart way better than you and Beyonce .
Hudson: Ooh... Shany... can you stop by the deli and get me a bag of fried chicken... I ain't had none of that fried chicken in a long time.
Ashanti: You know what? Forget I called y'all. Y'all just strayed away from the whole point... That's why I don't fuck with you big girls... All you do is eat and fight. I'ma just call Mya and Janet liked I had planned on from the get-go.
*Ashanti hangs up*
Watch yo' back Beyonceitis... And remember don't believe it until you see me kicking both ya does in.
Open letter from your boy Iceberg Juelz to Beyonceitis ('cause I'm not through with that ass):
Oh so you wanna go and lie on the boy? Okay... be like that... I'ma come to yo' house and kick in the front doe then I'ma run around to the back doe and kick that one in just because I fucking feel like it. I'ma pull the faucet off the kitchen sink and bust every last window on the motherfucking premises. I'ma turn on every working faucet and leave 'em running until your house is flooding. How you like water damage? HOW YOU LIKE WATER DAMAGE!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I'ma call my cousin Fuqemhous Knowles and my cousin (through marriage) Clitoria Carter and they some fucking beasts. They'll Hulk out on yo' whole squad. You gon' be wishing you woulda made some friends that was my enemies... instead of making enemies with my enemies... it probably don't make no sense now but when we beating the breaks off you then you'll finally understand what the fuck I meant.
I'ma send Kizzy to yo' house in an ice cream truck with Miss Kelly playing over the megaphones. How you like that? HOW YOU LIKE COMEBACK? HUH? HUH? COMEBACK? THAT HUBBA-BUBBA? YOU LIKE THAT SHIT? OF COURSE NOT! WHAT SANE PERSON DOES?
Watch ya back... if I didn't have a criminal record before... I'ma damn sho' have one now!
...The Lil' Creole Pimp Formerly Known As Baby Daniel
So BEYONCEITIS think they can fabricate lies and Photoshop "documents" to put ya boy on blast.
These are lies. LIES! LIES! It's beyond bullshit. If I'm not a goon then Wesley Snipes ain't black. If I'm not a goon then Jackie-O ain't slanging that bajingo just to lay down some vocals. If I ain't a goon then so help me God, may a Kelly Rowland album go platinum in less than a week. Them documents ain't real. Where my social security number at?
And you wanna know how I know that Beyonceitis is lying? I ain't even got no cousins named LaKeesha and Damneesha... I got a cousin named LaNeesha Ann DamnKeesha Dereon so you know they lying. It's just like people on the Internet is using me and my likeness just to get laughs. I mean, who does that? Silly. It's silly that's what it is.
Baby Daniel attended Miss Geraldine's School of Business? That's fugazzi! I graduated from SAVVY FATTY's 2Pac Academy and Foods of Many Nations Emporium. And if I didn't may Cassie hold a 10 second note without Autotone.
Baby Daniel made A's? That's fugazzi... that's just not real. Ion't even like A's on my females let 'lone my 'port card. The last time I brought a 'port card home, my Pop-Pop threw his left Stacy Adam at my adams apple. I ain't tryna fight him back 'cause that mustache do not play.
True... I had "worked" in an animal shelter before... but it was just a front so I could sell dogs to Michael Vick. Honest!
True... I've been selling Tee-Tee's used lacefronts to people. Out of my trunk, though. Me and my Granny split the profits fiddy-fiddy. It's our Ballin' On A Budget line aimed at Ashanti & Teairra Mari.
And I ain't never did no interview with Vibe magazine... I meant to kick down Quincy Jones's door for fabricating that shit. I mean you just don't do that to people. That's not right. Luckily, I lost my shank the other day Quincy.
And when me and Uncle Joe got pulled over that was his Flintstone's vitamins... See, I'm a grade A thug ass nigga specializing in fuckery and espionage... I knows how to hide my drugs real proper-like. I know how to take a police dog's scent away with just one look. That's why they ain't found the goods. Don't test my gangsta. You will fail.
Beyonceitis's head nigga in charge is hereby banned from the Creole Compound for being a hypocrite. As for these lies... Don't believe it until you see it.
In all realness, funniest shit I've read since I discovered Beyonceitis... I almost just gave up on life because my soul was snatched like a gold chain. I've been punk'd
Everyday ya boy Dannibal comes across bullshit that'll piss off my whole YAKI'd up (regardless if its on they dome or above they lip), LIGHT SKINNED, DARK SKINNED, ASIAN PERSUASIAN family. And I be tryna keeping my thoughts to myself... up until now... This is a list of shit that pisses me off.
1. Ramen noodles 'bout almost 40 cents nowadays... This may sound crazy to y'all but BACK IN MY DAY, it was just a quarter.... I 'bout almost was FORCED to shoplift it last time I was at Wal-Mart... knowing that loose change I stole out my momma purse wasn't gon' be enough to pay for one pack... Fuck the recession. Five finger discount this bitch. Snatch and run yo!
2. Whycome toddlers my age can't vote? Oh just 'cuz we eat glue and stuff Play-Do up FOLKS mufflers don't mean we got a voice in this sad ass country? I swear we already got a toddler in office. Why can't toddlers vote?
3. How Trina flashed her cooter every three seconds and successfully distracted the world from noticing that her head is SO DAMN BIG.
4. Why my Momma keep promoting her album and leaving FRESH to babysit me.
5. Ol' MUSTY ass, NASTY ass, FAKIN' ass, HATIN' ass, LYIN' ass bitches... who won't give me no play.
6. Why YOU & YOU and all of the above won't get no jobs.
7. How come when you lose SHIT and go look for it, you can't never find it. But when you don't need it, you magically come across it. But SHIT you wish you could get rid of just KEEPS COMING BACK.
8. Whycome I heard somebody say "Creeping on my CREOLE and getting too close for comfort" and "Something in the SIMILAC ain't too fresh" the other day and did NOT tell their cohort where they got that shit from.
9. Whycome Necole Bitchie ain't replied to my MESSAGE yet.
10. THEM, THEM & WHOEVER SHE POINTING AT!
“Based on my past and how my last album came out, I really need to come back much much stronger, I wanted to have more personality. I really want to tell a story when I’m doing a song. Vocally, either you like my voice or you don’t. I’m not trying to blow like Mariah, back when she was doing that.”Drawing questionmarks? Let ya boy danYe help ya out with this word problem.
“People used to give Ashanti a lot of shit and I saw her do the national anthem and kill it. I was like, maybe that’s something that I need to do to show people–I was afraid of the microphone and the stage, but I’m not anymore. I would definitely do something like that.” --Cassie in Complex magazine
“Now that I look back on when I was fucking Ryan Leslie for tracks, I feel that I need to quit bullshitting with y'all. I can start getting real deep on the track, now that I'm fucking Diddy for tracks, but let's face it... even police sirens put out better notes than I do. You can either think my voice is "cute" or you can either have some common sense. I’m not trying to blow like Mariah back in the day, when she wasn't keeping up with the Joneses [the young crowd]”
“People used to give Ashanti a lot of shit, and I saw her do the national anthem and kill it. That's an opinion, that I figured I had to do in order to keep up with the game. I was afraid of the microphone... at first I thought it was a dick and I was 'bout to go to work on it but than I figured out what it was for and I ain't wanna get put on blast for whatever shot out my mouthpiece. But I’m not scared anymore. I would definitely do something like that.” -
Get it now?
No I'm not running for President. Although my Pop-Pop was s'pose to run alongside Joe Jackson for the Oval Office, but that's another story.
If you gon' be down for anything, be down for Lil' Creole Pimp winning that BEST FICTIONAL BLOG category. Take that Fake Janice Combs. Take that! And I'd really love ya, if I get that BEST HUMOR BLOG. I know Fresh got that one sewed up, but I want it.
You're a bad babysitter, Fresh! I'm raiding the icebox tryna decided if I'ma eat the opened, half-eaten Cup O' Noodles or the Arm & Hammer box (because ain't shit else in the icebox) and you worried about Mya chilling with her FAM.
Nominate ya boy HERE.
Father blessed her with the Holy Water. Then Father laid hands on her.
It's been one hot summer. My granny keeps snatching her own wig yelling, "GODDAMN, It's hot as horseshit outside"....
This week's theme: Motown
This week's entry: The Temptations - I Wish It Would Rain
Y'know I was just havin' a lil' fun... Ain't nothing wrong with a lil' fun if y'know what I mean... But anyway. I'M JUST TALKIN'.-ANGELA SIMMONS FROM "CENTER OF ATTENTION"
Talked through the whole damn track-A LIL' CREOLE PIMP FORMERLY KNOWN AS BABY DANIEL
I just might bump this in my Caprice... but when people ask who song it is... I'ma tell 'em "Ion't know"... Give Wayne back his flow.
You said "What it is?" on this track and on that song you did with T-Pain. You know what song I'm talkin' bout... That Strike A Pose song. That was you, right?
Um... CiCi... my cousin Angie made farts that sounded better than this.
Only thing relevant 'bout this show is Boom Kat. I would tell y'all a long drawn out tale about the time my Aunt Magnesia pistol whipped Boom Kat but, I'm hongry as hell.
Finna call Millie and tell her to pick me up some PF Chang's... she ain't doing shit else since that "unexpected" push back.
She wasn't comfortable because SOMEBODY walked in cleaning his pistol. My fault, yo.
FIRST READ THIS...
For serious, mayne? For serious? It's like that? Hoo banging at the mall? What the eff? Is they mad that one crew ran up in Dilliard's knowning damn well that they home turf is at the Foot Locker on the opposite wing of the buidling?
It's like that? For serious? If so... I need to get BIG TON on the horn and head down to my local mall. You can find him posted outside of Hibbet's mean mugging. I'ma be in Gamestop playing that new Grand Theft Auto. Come fuck with ya boy.
Don't smile at me Monica. Do not. It's not the day. First, I came home from the playground and found my Momma cooking Ludacris a grilled cheese sammich... IN MY KITCHEN! I paid for that stove with my duckets. She ain't have a red cent to her name to buy no stove. I bough that with that MY dirty money... then I went Fresh's CRIB just to see these pics...
Where my shank at, yo? This ain't the business.
Lil' Rock, don't think 'cause you got reinforcements now that I'm s'pose to be scared. What? I'm s'pose less inclined to sneak up on you with a tree branch ready to start swinging like I'm on that juice. I ain't gon' mess with yo' brother since he young, but he can get his still dull mug skull drugged, cause I hull slugs. I ain't talking 'bout pests but I am talking 'bout laying yo' punk ass to rest.
Did Bow Wow's bottom boy cut off his locks? Did it have to do with the breakup?
I don't really care, I just find it funny. O probably had a breakdown like Angela Bassette in Waiting To Exhale. Cut off all that pretty hair. HA! Tryna be like me. I cut off the mohawk after SOMEBODY started jocking my style.
I know y'all tripped when I got that cut. Right?
I have no idea what's going on. Don't even ask. Back to my coloring book.
I put on for the Wig Crypt, oppressed Creoles everywhere, Popeye's chicken aficionados, corner boys and especially fuckery enthusiasts!
What do you put on for?
So FRESH was babysitting me today and wouldn't let me use her computer to update my blog. Don't trip, though. I found her boyfriend's cigarette lighter and set the bathroom on fire. Left-Eye style. 'Cept I threw all her shit in the tub, not just sneakers. Going through her boyfriend's things, I also found three blacks and some sticky-icky so you know I had fun!
Oh yeah... Fresh had this video. I haven't been following the adventures of Terrence & Rosci, because it airs on BET and BET is tryna bring us Creole people down one nigorant event at a time so....
Anyways... 5Ton and Chrissy can move over. We got another couple trying their hand at the publicity love, BS.