I'm Going Through Withdrawals

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Good fuckery is hard to find and good fuckery is in order. If you're like me then you miss watching Frankie & Neffe buy furniture and kick down doors looking for Clyde. I don't know where Clyde is nor do I know when Frankie & Neffe is coming back... But at least I have YouTube.

Cherish the fuckery around the 1:47 mark. : )

Not Safe For Life... You've Been Warned

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Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

This may not be safe for work, but it's definitely not safe for life.


Stroke Lip Has Returned... Kinda

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The birth of Twitter's infamous Pachama Party was result of watching BET every Tuesday for a nice Tiny & Toya fuckery extravaganza. But this clip redefines everything I know and love about 'Chama and Tiny's speaking voice... The 1:55 mark is the UNDERSTANDING we all need.

Somebody give them a Pulitzer. Stat!

Thanks @ROBO3K. Hop in a cab and follow that car.

What Kinda Dream Is This?

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Still celebrating the 300th post of "The You Have No Life, Mystery Blogger Chronicles", so I thought I'd see a movie. It was a toss up between The Blind Side and Precious. I can't embed the trailer to either movie due to YouTube being a bitch, so I let the clip below decide.

Precious [say it like Gollum] for the win. Creole! When I link you to fuckery real good. Furthermore, get in THIS.

Thanks MJ.

They Reminisce Over You

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Still celebrating the 300th post mark over here on Hadley Street. Cousin Angie threw me a surprise party at Pizza Show Biz and the whole family came through. Except Tee-Tee, 'cause she's still on tour. I think. Well, that's what she told me.

ME: Hey, Tee-Tee.
TEE-TEE: Suh pahna, wuhchu uh too?
ME: At this party Angie threw for me.
TEE-TEE: Wah sha thochu o'par fa?
ME: I been real good on my blog, so congratulations was in order.
TEE-TEE: Chu toe muh tha blaw wun yoes.
ME: ... ... ... ... What blog?
ME: You on your way right?
TEE-TEE: Hell nah, nigga I'm on tour. *click*
-totally genuine mission eight phone conversation betwixt La Creole Familia.

But that's not the point of this post. This post is a celebration of progress because there was a time before Twitter where people could look past a pointless, stupid joke where somebody was "pimping her son" because "pimping runs in the family". And I KNOW that's true because "I knew proper capitalization and punctuation at the age of 3." Not sure what I'm talking about?

 CLICK THE PIC. Good times. Glad that's all "behind" me, though.

300th Episode Special

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Welcome to the 300th post. While the jury is still out on whether I have a life or not, I thought I'd bring something different to the table. And by different I don't mean that lady called Mom. I mean Dollface.

If you thought B. Scott had a lock on the androgynous vlogger game somebody told you wrong. I would co-sign DollFace but he has a "Beyonce is Overrated" video so... Yeah. I won't spend all my "hard-earned time" on this for too long, but the shit abovve? Quoteables galore... Get into it before Frankie does.

Put the blame on @JORIDIOR

Full Clip: Beyaga "TracFone"

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Sony is busy pulling down every upload of Beyaga's new TracFone video that's on YouTube. Praises due to KID FURY since he virtually up'd the whole clip, with his funny comments and brilliant wig scheme. If you're not familiar with FURYTV, then what the fuck are you doing with your life? Enjoy the clip. He basically hit every note I was gonna attempt so... instead of reviewing the video I got this instead:


GaGa is known for putting on bird's nest, zebra hair and a giant pacifier and calling it fashion, so until viewing this video I didn't know what her face looked like. And after seeing it, I'm sure I'm gonna die in seven six days a la The Ring. While you count the minutes 'til our [you watched too, don't lie], let's list things Gaga looks like by the face.

-BLOSSOM [But that's not in my OPINIONATION]
-Captain Hook
-The Candy Man's hook
-Something I saw in Happy Feet
-Johnny Cage's elbows
-Synclaire after a Vodka Stinger
-The key Queen Latifah wore around her neck on Living Single [I'm sure I read this in The Bocks about Lil' Kim's nose, but I'm not sure to whom deserves the credentials.]
-My Momma after a Sammy Sosa
-Pretty much Amy Winehouse but blonder and less emaciated
-The family of squirrels living in Winehouse's beehive

Al B. Sure Nigga With The Coat All Wavy

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You see that? That's real ostrich fur. Only the best for my Creolians.

Over the weekend, I've heard Drake being called: a) a foot b) handsome c) a dog d) translucent. And the latter came from my mouth [RE: homerow key]. But has it bothered Big Wheel Brooks? Hell nah. This hound dog went hunting with Elmer Fudd and whatever avian animal they slaughtered, he got a fur coat out of the deal. And that's just one of the perks from being man's best friend.

I Think I Just Stanned Out A Lil'

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I'm sorry, Mathew.

In Case You Care...

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Like FRESH, I, too, was watching I Want To Work For Satan 2 when this bald-headed fuckery came into my life. I was busy trying to decide whether casting purposely chose a girl named Ebony and a girl named Ivory, if Capricorn purposely put them on opposite teams, and enjoying Ebony's Caster Semenya-like steeze. That's not funny. Stop laughing. That girl is going through THANGS!

Ciara... I'm sick of telling you, so I won't even bother.

Message From The Management

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Readers, looka here.

Every now and again, we have to read. Read THIS. I'm serious. Read it. I will post the link two more times in hopes that you read it.

Read THIS.

Read THIS.

My client wants you to read it as well and he's only gonna ask once.

Hopefully, you've read it. Please tell me [in the comments] you weren't intimidated by length of the letter and immediately gave up the ghost. If so, I hate you. No really, I do. As a "writer", I know reading is fundamental. Before you talk shit, you must know what you talking shit about. Before I fix my mouth to diss a politician, rapper, singer, the person next door, I make sure I know what I'm saying and I can stand behind what I'm saying. Seldom I ever actually want to eat my words, because I wasn't well informed, but that's neither here nor there nor Planned Parenthood down the street yonder there somewhere.

What I'm saying isn't to get you to, y'know, read... even though you should. Reading isn't the point. The point(s) is [if this is in fact a real letter (where yo' source at, bruh!?)] Miss Patrick is so right. BET is a jet crashing, train wrecking mess of the minute. It's hard to not watch. Most of the programming on BET, 106 & Park for instance, I don't ever watch. The fuckery-filled reality shows? I'll plead the fifth. No, I won't. I watch it, dammit! And what!? I can't lie. It's entertaining. I know it's like the pork of TV to hypertension patients [no pun intended, Tiny]. It's bad for us. Point blank period. But I love pork chops, y'all.

I digressed again. If I never get my point across in this segment of The Lil' Creole Pimp Show, then I will hate myself. Still, I'll try.

BET, as well as other networks, is feeding us garbage. More mature viewers, who watch and can decipher what's what, it barely harms them. They may walk away from the experience with a funny new quote that'll become an inside-joke between friends. Our younger audience won't though. They'll walk away with a new attitude, often misconstruing what "message" was really being told. Young girls watched Tiny & Toya and didn't see Tameka and Antonia Johnson-Carter-who-the-hell-ever trying to get their own instead of relying on their rich, rap star providers. All they saw were the rich, rap star providers, wondering "How can I get me one?" and those niggas wasn't even in a single episode. Fellas watch 106 & Park and ONLY see rich, rap stars talking shit about shit that ain't really shit even though I morning jig to the same shit. Fellas aspire to be rappers instead of doctor-engineer-crocodile-hunters. Rap. A very unstable career. Rap. Why you wanna go and Flo-Rida!? I never understood that. To each his own.

I don't watch The Mo'Nique Show aside from the first few episodes [I was testing the waters, don't judge me], but I sense she means well. She won't teach many viewers anything other then scream, kick, punch, chop, block or basically PARAPPA THE RAPPER.

Yep. It's that kinda party. I don't know what Monica's show is going to do. I don't know what the show's premise is. I'm not sure what Monica is "still standing" from. So I can't comment on that. But I will say this. That one show. No obvious cooning. And my attention wasn't captivated. That says alot about the kinda person I am or what kinda shows I like. Or maybe, I just don't find Monica interesting.

Bascially, Miss Patrick's letter was telling BET to step it up because it was sending all the wrong messages to the young'uns. I applaud that on every level there is. It's not just the lyrics the rappers put out. The images. None of that. If BET is gonna show the bad, can't they squeeze in a taste of the good? For instance, you wanna keep playing the same six episodes of The Game? Pepper in some of Girlfriends, when it was good, too. God knows I'm sick of The Game. Keep Everybody Hates Chris in heavy rotation though.

Take away my Everybody Hates Chris, then I'll be writing letters.

In Case You Care...

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Keri Hilson's debut effort "In A Perfect World..." has gone gold. How 'bout a round of applause? All it took was, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, and all of October to happen. Let's not forget the mere a thousand singles it took before she turned you on. But we here at the Lil' Creole Pimp Show don't hate on such feats as 500k sells in 8 months time. Keri, here's to your success. Kudos!

Now go check the CREDITS and cut the check.

Weekend Fuckery

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Don't ask me about the title. I don't know, but still... waters run deep. Just wait until he pulls himself out the club, before you die. I sure did.

Yung Criollo: If I wasn't upset with white people... and Hurricane Chris... before this, then now I am.
JoriDior: He up there doing a whole lotta 'nothing... with a whole lotta something.
Yung Criollo: He's a Mac AND a PC.
JoriDior: He needed a wawter bottle, then he woulda went harder.

Yung Criollo commenced to his death. Blame the mulatto follies. Tragic mulatto folies

Lost In Translation

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As Chris Brown's unofficial official life coach, I approve this message:
"While I respect Rihanna's right to discuss the specific events of February 8, I maintain my position that all of the details should remain a private matter between us... At this point, I am taking the proper steps to learn about me and grow from my mistakes... The rest I leave it to God..."  [SOURCE]

What he really meant was...
"I miss the shit outta Rihanna, so I approve anything she's saying but um... she still on that bullshit. At this point, I'm in anger management classes, I keep Virginia's highway systems spic and span, and my dam ain't nothing to sneeze at either... It's the God in me."
Pissy Chrissy, you amuse me. 

TIP #3: Learn. to. shut. the. fuck. up. I want a raise.

Grade A Fuckery Strikes Again

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Don't get me wrong, I think the song is hot. I don't expect it from Robin. At all. Like Mike, TOO remember when he was just Thicke, looking like just Jesus... but eh... his music seems to find my good side so... Cut the check. Also, I'm feeling Thicki Minaj's music of late and her past joints, so... Thicke and Thicki Minaj on the track? I guess.

But the antics and the cutting up and the fuckery and mulatto follies in the control booth in this video!?

Grade A Fuckery. Sham fucking wowzers, Batman.

Tee-Tee News

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In the rare event you find yourself wondering if this site is pro or anti Beyawah, go flush yourself down the commode. Courtesy flush optional. You know I love my Tee-Tee and everything she buys me. Such as:

Beyaga premiere's its phenom on this Thursday the Lord made around 5:30PM. Which time zone is up for debate since MTV hates Tee-Tee and didn't specify. Refer to the thingamajig below. I have to go finish self-destructing now.

In Case You Care: Tears of a Skunk

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Poor 5Ton. Poor, poor 5Ton4Head. The opening words were jagged and shit. "This happened to me." I sighed a little. Much like Tee-Tee's, the accent [and the hair] distracts a wee bit. Allow me to digress. I wanted to do a lost in translation post, but the accent is just... Beyowulfesque. I'm on neither Team 5Ton4Head nor Team Autobuts, but the Decepticon is making it hard on my paycheck. As Pretty Chrissy's life coach, it's just difficult to compose this busy beaver when his world falls apart more and more.

I've tried it all.
I've tried buying him glue and Popsicle sticks for easy home repair jobs.
I've tried taking him to the arcade so he can beat the fat kids at Dance Dance Revolution.
I've tried busting the windows out his car and blaming the neighbors, so he can take his frustrations out on somebody, but I think that just resulted in another lawsuit, which I cannot talk about pending the upcoming trial.
I've tried stealing Miss Jay's bowtie collection from season 12 for him, but I can't talk about it pending the upcoming trial.

About the clip... I enjoyed Diane Sawyer's facial expressions though. I enjoyed 5Ton's turtle neck sweater dress. I wish she would have worn a turtle forehead sweater dress, but there's no such thing. Deep sigh. Before you go talking shit about me talking shit about this situation, think about this: If not for this, we may have never seen The Sadist wearing a color opposite to black. Digress.

Chris, I understand The Bajan, The Barbadian, The Boogerwolf is ruining your chances at a comeback, needless to say, she needs no help because you brought it on yourself BUT... don't let this eat at you. You are the best fucking fresh water mammal this side of R&B. Ne-Yo would have you, but dolphins exist in saltwater. That's about all the tips I got thus far. Put on your tap dancing shoes and you better Leyomi splat your way to the ballroom or something. Find a route and take it. Kizzy did. I wish I wouldn't have given her that advice... Bitch moved out on me. Now who supposed to warm up my Chef Boyardee!?

Career-wise, both of y'all fucked.

Full Clip: Tahj Mowry & Boom Boom Satelittes [Stop Laughing!]

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Start a family. Milk a goat. Eat a dick. And somewhere in between, find some time to kick it out. Doo doo doo da do da doo. Smart guy. Smart guy. It's very hard to take former child stars seriously, but if anything this is great promotion. Makes me wanna go watch Hounded.

I Understand That Race Drafts Are Sensitive Subjects

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...but we want Sue Sylvester.

We will have Sue Sylvester, Caucasians. You listen to me and you listen to me good. We see you watching Wendy Williams... You want her? Give us Sue and a 1st round pick. I'm so serious. That'll be all.


Somebody said something about giving away Frankie and 'nem. Do you wanna end the existence of the PACHAMA PARTY?

Race Draft '09

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Yep. Racial draft. Not a myth.

It's election time. So you know what that means. The race draft is here again! Confetti for everyone. Finally, a chance once a year to get rid of all you bad eggs. Other races will be happy to claim for you for a limited time, then they'll realize why we gave you up. No, this isn't racist. Confetti for everyone.

The race draft consists of three (3) rounds of bidding, two (2) rounds of counter-bidding and one (1) round of non-refundable trades. Right now, we have to campaign. It's a week away, Nov 10, and I've done a suck ass job of promoting it. I'm sure you know that Beyonce has a new video dropping Thursday so we got pushed back so she wouldn't annihilate our fun. But enough about that.

Bidding is self explanatory. A quote unquote race puts a person on the board for a specific person from another race that they would like to have. A trade, if you will. Counter-bidding. A person is unofficially agreed to be drafted only if another race is willing to trade them for somebody else. Example, "We'll take America Ferrera from the Latinos for the ballplayer formerly known as Chad Johnson only if the Caucasians officially give us Amber Rose." This example works out, because white people love them some Ugly Betty and us Blacks are really embarrassed by young Chadwick. We also think Amber is a bad bitch. We temporarily take in America as a black, until we can trade her in for Amber when counterbidding is applicable. Everybody wins. And the non-refundable trades are the reason we're stuck with the Clintons, Justin Timberlake, and Amy Winehouse. Non-refundable trades cannot be counter-bid or traded until the next draft year.

Right now, top 10 possible bids.

10. Ochocinco for America Ferrera for Amber Rose
Y'all thought I was playing?! If the Spaniards don't come get this motherfucker like right now... I'm serious! You changed your name to an incorrect Spanish term. Bruh...

9. Vilmer Valderrama
I like the way he says "yo momma". We'll take him in for anybody from our C-list of "celebs". He can however be counter-bid if the price is right. Don't he look like somebody the white lady down the street could mistake for a nigga in the pic above!?

8. Ludacris
We will not give him up, white people. Stop asking!

7. The Kardashians
We didn't know what we were asking for. Please take them off our hands. They are too much and shit. They're pretty popular with the Caucasians. I'm sure my people can stomach taking in GOD WARRIOR for these three. If not them, then I can. I'ts the God in me.

6. Wendy Williams
I'm not mad at her. I don't dislike her. I just feel like the Caucasians would want her. Non-refundable.

4 & 5. BET
Please give us something. FX, TNT, HSN. Something. I will not tolerate the loud ass commercials and the low ass programming or Monique's Shouting Hour any longer. Non-refundable.

3. Ciara for Christina Millian
Please. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAASE! Look Latinos... Christina is married to Dream now. She just ran into a shitload of money! She got his seventeenth child baking in her oven. We need this! We need this! I know it's not right. It may not make sense, but PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!

2. 106 & Park
Give us Glee, NOW!

1. Karrine Steffans
Do I even need to explain?

Chris Brown Needs My Help

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I googled the phrase "Chris Brown + Life Coach". My results after the jump.