Lost In Translation

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Pretty Chrissy... I despise you. I hope one day you go in to kiss 5Ton4Head and she knocks her ass unconscious with her Superdome.

Anyways... Mr. Lisp kinda-sorta put his foot in his mouth when asked about his 'lationship with "It". When asked how Old Lady Chrissy and 5Ton get along, Chrissy said:

Yeah yeah, she’s real cool. They’re both light skin with green eyes, so…


They get along and junk. Mainly because she ain't dark skinned. Mama like when they eligible to stay in the house and not work in the yard.
Did I take it too far? Oh, well... Ain't nahn one of them Creole so... But what if 5Ton was Kizzy's skintone, not saying anything's wrong with that... but what if Kizzy was the chick you were gnawing on at the midnight hour?


Old School Friday

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This week's theme: Kids Groups

This week's entry: Another Bad Creation - Iesha

For more Old School Fridays:

Praises Be To Bitchie

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After a long day of reviewing applicants for wig crypt positions I got home and started perusing some of my usual go-to sites. BAM! First site I hit up NECOLE BITCHIE (try to ignore New York's chesticles). Necole had some creative ideas floating around that sexy dome of hers...

I’m just surprised no one [VH1] has thought to put some of these crazy a** bloggers in a house together for a reality show. Talking about drama….
 I am so down for a blogger reality show. Picture this:

Me, Fresh from C&D, Kid Fury from So Furious, J from A Hot Mess, Savvy Fatty , Necole and Blogxilla from their respective sites are in a run down masion somewhere in Podunk, Oklahoma. We must outwit, outplay, outsmart and outfuckerize each other to win the title of Blogosphere's Next Top Blogger. Fresh is that chick cracking jokes on everybody in the confessionals while pointing out every tangy thing about everybody, regardless of gender. Kid Fury is always telling us we need Jesus. J is always calling for Sweet Minty Jesus. Savvy is the one that'll jump up, yell "Pop off", and smash us anytime we get outta line. Everyone takes Necole for a joke because she's pretty but she beats ALL of us at the physical competitions. Blogxilla gets eliminated the first night... well because I said so. And me, I'm one who wins it all. Creolians got it like that.

Hosted by the bloggers of MediaTakeOut, because BET gave them the Best Blogger Award [side-eye here].

You can't tell me you wouldn't watch that.

Step Daddy?

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Word done got out that my momma went on a date with Ludacris. Bitch, you done made me mad. No I didn't just call my momma a bitch. I'm talking to Ludacris. How you gon' come through and scoop up my momma... You know I'm tryna holla at Karma.

I may not approve of the relationship but I ain't gon' do my momma like that. I mean, finally we can get her hitched to a real breadwinner.

Luda, I'm gonna need you to fill out this questionnaire and get it back to me by Friday. Friday, 12:00 midnight. Not 12:01. Not 12:00:01. Twelve on that dot.

1. Have you ever contracted a venereal disease?

2. Has Superhead ever put your business in the street?

3. You ever did a song with 5Ton4Head?

4. What is Karma's cell phone number?

5. If Train A leaves Memphis at 5:00 AM going at 230 MPH and Train B leaves from Boston at 6:40 AM going at 180 MPH, what time does Karma get home from school?

6. Where my Daddy at?

7. If I pull up in a million trucks and I was looking, smelling and/or feeling like a million bucks, would you hate on me?

8. You ever caught cooties as a kid?

9. If yes, how did you get rid of it?

10. Yes or no... Did Chingy call you a la Young Buck begging for his contract back?

Where Props Are Due

The Management Filed Under: Tags: ,

I don't care what nobody say... Bey was most definately not gonna show up at the BET Awards at all this year. She still busy riding that married camel dick. I know she should be used to camel dick, but married camel dick? You know you like it.


I saw it coming but I hoped otherwise. And for putting y'all nut bucket hoes on blast I gotta give it up, once again, to BEYONCEITIS.

Be sure to check out the labels. They struck the nail in my coffin.


Festival of Coons 2K8

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Sorry for the delay, folks.

Tee-Tee was spose to perform with Usher but some technical difficulties prevented it. By technical difficulties I mean we ran into Aretha Franklin in the parking lot and Granny had on her fighting wig, coincidentally. Pop-Pop and 'nem at the police station filing reports. The last thing I can remember him saying was, "That hamhock heffa bet not never put her paws on me again!"


-Usher performed... I think he was JSetting... I didn't catch it.

-DL Hughley came out and surprisingly made no one laugh.

-J.Hud and A Pimp Named Slickback came out and disgusted anyone with a low tolerance level.

-Some mo' shit happened... I wasn't paying attention. Asnwered the phone. It was Cousin Angie calling from the police station. All I could hear was Pop-Pop in the background yelling, "Well, if you think you so big and bad bring ya' ass over here!"

-Kobe win Best Male Athlete. Oh the fuckery!

-Some of the cast from Boyz N Da Hood presented an award. No one asked for a reunion. Cuba was higher than a star!


-DownLow Hughley still has NOT made me laugh.

-Queen Latifah sitting by Debra Lee? Y'all see what I see?

-I see Puff The Magic Dragon. No Justin nor Janice Combs in sight.

-Alicia Keys. Yep. That's about it. SWV? A gray and black lacefront on one chick? En Vouge? How is Alicia relevant when these sisters are onstage? I'm anticipating Butta Creme to come out next. TLC! Thank God... somebody finally did something right at BET.

-Niecy Nash... FINALLY SOMEBODY I CAN COSIGN BEING AT THIS EVENT! Why didn't she host this show? Way funnier then DownLow Hughley. Rayneesha Williams saves the show! I consider getting myself some white kids.

-If Uncle Joe don't win Best Male Hip-Hop, I plan on strangling the first person I hear diss The Roc. If Kanye bitch about losing... The only thing I wish... I wish the nigga would. If Gremlin win... I won't care.

-Kanye thanks no one but he does ride Gremlin's dick for like four seconds

-These Baldwin Hills kids CANNOT read. Thank you No Child Left Behind.


-T-Pain comes out dressed like something out of a Batman comic strip. Straight jacking Ringling Bros game. Some random nigga comes out during T-Pains set. Raps a lil' something. I didn't really pay attention. The real star, Rick Ross's Belly, performs for us. FINALLY, somebody with talent. DJ Khaled still hasn't been deported? More random niggas. T-Pains hypeman can be seen crying in the crowd.

-The cable goes out. I guess SOMEBODY didn't peddle enough ass to pay for it.

-Who the eff nominate Monotone Douglas wins Video Of The Year? UGK and 'nem won for the pimps. RIP PIMP C. UGK and 'nem also won for the great state of Texas.

-Why Bun B's wife think she can give a thank-you? She ain't win shit.


-Ke-Ke Palmer and Ice Cube are unofficially blacklisted!

-Baldwin Hills = College Hill without the college.

-I get another call from the police station... it's Granny. She wants me to put the phone by the TV so she gon' get prayed up by the sweet, saving sounds of Warren Marvin Sapp. She catches the Spirit via telephone. She then curses out loud when Deitrick Haddon doesn't win.

-Skipping Bible study will ensure a ticket to Hell, Warren Marvin Sapp!


-Pretty Chrissy... Do I have to even review his fuckery?

-Thank God Ciara ain't singing! Quick shot of Rhi-Rhi. BET tryna start beefs and shit.

-THERE GO MY MAMA! THERE GO MY MAMA! Cassie you aren't worthy.

-Brandon T. Jackson, shut the fuck up. You are as 'bout as funny as DownLow Hughley. Thanks for the Barack reveal. You saved yourself from being blacklisted.

-Best Collabo: Who cares? T-Pain is dumb as a box of bricks.

-Tocarra still work for BET. Go figure. If you look close enough you can see LaTavia showing late guests to their seats.


-Another corny DownLow Hughley joke.

-John Legend is flooding. Nothing new. Nothing to see here people.

-Commence the Al Green tribute.

-Granny calls again so I can put the phone to the TV so she can "hear her some Al Green". Pop-Pop is still in the back cussing. "That big, nasty slop-hound snatched off my wife's ostrich-feather boa made by Dereon on sale at Dillard's," is all I heard him say.

-If you look close enough behind Al Green you can see Lauren London cooning in her seat.

-Anthony Hamilton busts out in the platinum pants that are apparently taking his blood pressure. A white woman is in the crowd clapping. Who let her in?

-Oh, I'm sorry that's Debra Lee.

-Granny reaches through the phone and slaps me because apparently Debra Lee is Creole. Go figure.

-I thought Maxwell was Jermaine Jackson for a minute. Oops.

-I coulda sworn Al Green was dead. I shit you not. One random nigga is still sitting down when Al Green starts performing. He needs his country ass beat.

-My Granny is 'bout to break the phone from her cauterwailing "Let's Stay Together". Pop-Pop stops cussing and starts juking! "HHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY!!!! That's my shit!"

-I hear Granny hit the floor at, "Something make ya do wrong and make you do right."

-Lil' Kim and Luda all boo'd up in the audience. Somebody need to give that nigga some Valtrex and some AcuVue!

-Al starts cooning. He officially fits right in with the young folks at this point.


-You can get with this or you can get with that? Black Sheep need to come get they check.

-Even though kanYe wasn't in this category he'll still be throwing chairs and flipping tables backstage that he didn't win the Viewer's Choice Award.

-Weezy won and brings Ye onstage (along w/ the whole state of Louisiana).

-I'm waiting for 5Ton4Head to fall into that fan or at least down the stairs. Looking like a gothic mess. I buy Zahara better dresses than that. Quick shot of Pretty Chrissy... like we needed that.

-Is it me or does 5Ton4Head look like Scar from The Lion King?


-Debra Leevil is in the building. The coons rejoice.

-My Pop-Pop has a personal rivalry with Quincy Jones so I refuse to clap. I will take this time to put out an APB on Niecy Nash considering Zahara didn't appreciate her jokes towards Angelina.


-Ashanti... STOP!

-JD is on my bad side. I heard he was the leader of the Lollipop Guild. That's MY title.

-Am I the only one who can't hear Ciara?

-By the time Fergie hits the stage the show starts sucking again.

-I'd marry New-New if I could. But if she keeps reminding me that Diddy got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame I'ma have to disown her.

-Why is we drinking on the job, Diddy? Is Lauren old enough to drink?

-Why wasn't Kizzy nominated for Best Female R&B? I woulda revoked MiMi's nod for Kizzy after MiMi pulled out of her performance.We knew Kizzy wasn't gone win but still... give a sister a chance. She already flopping, what's the worst that can happen.

-Alicia Keys comes onstage wearing beach shells. Instead of thanking God, she dedicates her award to the word "can't" and it's demise. That's sweet... you're going to Hell.

-Weezy Fucking Baby and T-Pain hit the stage. T-Pain subs for the late Static Major? Questionable call.

-Wayne is a dramatic cunt for falling to his knees. Something he's used to?

I Got Stuck With Millie For This?

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While you were busy trying to remain relevant, Miss Sol-Angel, I was stuck at home with my babysitter Millie. I mean, she better than Kizzy but you coulda at least called Christina Millian or something. I know she not that busy. Fucking for tracks with Cool & Dré can't be an all day job.

Next time I get stuck with Millie, I'ma do some shit that violates the whole Constitution.


Full Clip Of Fuckery

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For those who have been paying any attention, congratulations. GOLD STAR FOR YOU! For those who haven't... see THIS post.

I ain't tryna get involved with this Soulja Boy vs Ice-T mess. There are more pressing topics at hand. For instance, is Llama the reincarantion of Moses or is she the original? Something to think about.

Sound Byte - Ne-Yo "A MillI"

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A whole 'nother "A Milli" has surfaced. Who did it this time? Ne-Yo... of all people. I'm ready to ride through a few 'hoods with the windows down and the lights off around 11:30PM, accompanied by Latarian "Big Ton" Milton. Get my drift? Only way I cosign with this is it's a shot at Pretty Chrissy which I'm always down for. I hate that dude like Jim Jones hate soap and water.

Weezyana done opened up a can of worms so big my Granny's voodoo game can't even stop it. And believe me we tried... A Milli is getting bigger than my Tee-Tee. We can't let that shit happen. The stans need to unite and put that mess to an end before Tee-Tee hit up the Festival of Coons 2k8. She's been practicing her deer in headlights looks and everything. If Weezyana take the stage and close the set with "A Milli" it may be too late. Of 'course if he close it with "Lollipop" I won't be mad. I'ma just bring Zahara on stage so they can make it rain on her like that lil' girl from that YouTube clip that I'm too lazy to search.


Full Clip: Pretty Ricky "Cuddled Up"

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Presented by everything the 90s threw up

I was expecting an ode to WRECKS-N-EFFECT or BLACKSTREET. This ain't even worthy of being label fuckery.

I'm not impressed. One bit. NEXT!

I can't lie, I was intrigued by the whole theme of the video (because, y'know... I'm a 90s connoisseur) but um... this piece of hot donkey shit... no. I want a refund and I demand a recount.

I was mos def cranking that casket nap right before the two minute mark. But I can't talk... I came out the womb with the Gumby fade which naturally progressed into a mohawk... But those are just my Creolian genes at work.

HOWEVER... Butta Creme is now officially available on the Creole Pimp's Dolla Menu. Foot long fingernails and all. But that one chick got a 5Ton-4Head 'do so I'ma have to next her ass.

Weekend Bullshit

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This happened to my cousin Angie one time. We was there during one of Tee-Tee's "cravings" and the hoodrat behind the counter wouldn't give my Pop-Pop his side of wild rice fast enough. We was in there flipping tables and pulling advertisments off the walls. Kizzy threw a garbage can through the big windows like that one scene in Do the Right Thing. I'm telling y'all DO NOT fuck with Kizzy. She can throw down.

Old School Friday

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This week's theme: Inspirtational

The Cast Of Fighting Temptations - He Still Loves Me

For more Old School Fridays:

Good Times?

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I think not.

First peep THIS.

WHYCOME!?!?! I know I'm still a pubescent but I know times ain't that hard. If anybody get this heffa to call me... I'm a tell it like this. She better get accustomed to listening to the dial tone because the only thing she gone hear me say is "Who dis is?" and "Stop calling my gawddamn phone". I don't know what to say... but if it pays your bills and makes you eligible to file for income tax... then do what you do.

I need to put Kizzy or Millie up on game.

Feeling down? Life beating your ass? Sink full of dishes but you ran outta dish washing liquid and you ain't got gas money to go to the grocery store to restock? Millie, may save your life:

"Good evening... Josephine Johnnie Mae Gilbert... this is Michelle Williams of Destiny Childs, the trio not the original lineup, and I'm just calling to say STOP COMPLAINING. You ain't gotta brush wigs for a living. Walk a mile in my mules and then you won't be so quick to act a fool about some dammn Palmolive.

That's hot right?

Well picture this: You at the club and you dancing on this dude and his chick, who look like Jamie Foxx as Wanda, walks up on you ret t'fight. OR you at the club and you're mayonnaise donater won't stop hitting up your Baby Jamz RAZR?

Kizzy can help you:

"Hi... This is Kelendria Rowland, of Matthew Knowles's lovechild fame, and I'm calling for Kanithanya. Hi, Kanithanya... I was asked by Derontion to call you and help you out. Bit of advice... Ladies. Drama. Leave it. Home!"

Sure, Kanithanya may have hung up before Kizzy got the chance to utter Papa Matty's name but we some Knowles's and we know how to franchise so we'll work out all the kinks before we launch this program.

Blacklisted: Kobe Bryant

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REASON: I told him beforehand, if he didn't tie up the NBA Finals 3 to 3 that I was gon' tie him to the middle of 405 insterstate during lunch hour.

CONSEQUENCES: I happen to know that Brandy is dying to get her grub on at Mr. Chow's. She ain't been in a while.

PARTING WORDS: 405... stay alive...

Full Clip: Lil' Josh & Lil' Ernest "Jigga Juice"

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Grade A Fuckery brought to you by your local school board of education and Extreme Makeover: Diamond Edition.

Diamond: UPGRADE. I wannna put you on my team now. Pimp you for a profit. Just like my Grandaddy! You make me wanna power up like a Power Ranger, transform and get ridiculous.

Next Career Move: Fucking For Tracks

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Warning: this audio is of Young Buck displaying an extreme willingness to fuck for tracks. He is seriously on Mushmouth's nuts. Mushmouth only speaks at the end but you can clearly hear what proposition he has in my for Buck. If you see Buck on the street please pick up the nearest trashcan, bash him across the knees and tell that nigga man up or STOP BITING THE HAND TO FEEDS YOU! That's what got you into this mess.

Where Props Are Due

The Management Filed Under: Tags: ,

Readers looky here...

Every now and then I come across some shit that proves... much rules the world...

...but I cannot hate. I wanna give them a Nobel Prize STAT!


Full Clip: The Pussycatt Dolls "When I Grow Up"

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Grade A Fuckery presented by John Deere & Random Ass Dance Cutscenes

I'm perplexed by this video. What the eff does it have to do with growing up wanting to be famous? I'm never in traffic dancing on cars when I fantasize at growing up to be rich and famous. When I fantasize about that, I'm usually on leer jets with Tee-Tee or island hopping with Uncle Jay or hiding in Best Buy's broom closet waiting on Millie to finish her shift because Momma and Kizzy are busy "promoting careers" and no one could babysit me.

But I digress.

SIDEBAR: Wait a minute... where's the other one?

Countdown 'Til Shutdown

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Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready to be entertained?

BET Award is coming in seven days and Sweet Beysus is currently teaming up with Ursh, Gremlin. Boom Kat is supposed to make an appearance. Not on stage... No she's not doing the choreography. Rumor has it that she's gon' be there toting a barstool around until she finds Puff The Magic Dream KILLER. What's the barstool for? She's gonna chunk that mug at his dome, duh!

But you didn't hear that from me.

Don't expect Tee-Tee to bring Kizzy and Millie on-stage this year. They will be in the audience...serving refreshments like always. This will be back to normal. But I ain't gon' say she won't bring "somebody's momma" on stage. I haven't decided what I may do if she performs "I Decided"...I'm stuck between hitting her messed up foot with a barbed-wire 2 x 4 or hitting her messed up foot with a garbage full of my Granny's lacefront wigs.

I'll let y'all decide.

Message To Kobe Bryant

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You know you getting blacklisted if you lose tonight, right? I ain't playing...


SIDEBAR: It's come to my attention that some people don't know the full consequences of being blacklisted. It's simple really. You piss me off. I blacklist you. "We" make sure your life is fucked up from here on out? It can range from slicing your tires at the gas pump while your inside the store arguing with Haji about "putting two on pump eight" to sending Gary Coleman to your crib after pissing in his cornflakes (he'll be hopping mad). If you really make me mad I'll get Kizzy to turn Kathy Baites and give you the "Misery" treatment. Think I'm playing?

Oh The Fuckery

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Sometimes, I spend too much time with LUENELL AND LANDON BROWN down at the Playa's Club and I miss Sunday service... Being that devout Christian I am and being that I would never touch heathen shit like voodoo or weapons, I keeps my God in my recent calls list. So when I can't walk that walk of shame into the church wearing last night's Creative Recs AND plush Dereon wife beater and overshirt, I watch me some Pastory Kerney and 'nem until the devil is washed outta me. Real pimps pray. Who knows what'll happen if you smite God. And I ain't tryna wake up one day and be in Kizzy's shoes or nothing... God forbid.

I Side-Eye This Heffa

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Fresh put up new pics of 5TON4HEAD getting her publicity before her lease on her new hairpiece is up and she has to return it to SALLY'S.

I don't have the tolerance to deal with her today (I got grounded for gutting my neighbor's gerbils and stomping all of Granny's turnip green garden) so head to C & D to see 'em.

The Razzi Got Me

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The flashing lights wanted to catch a nig rocking his new kicks... but shit it was naptime. And plus Uncle Jay had some Armadale in the glove box so... I'm gone let you figure it out.
I will say this though... That "camel caught in flashing lights" look... priceless!

Weekend Rant

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Okay Savvy... first THIS now this ... we ain't friends no mo!

Here's how this test is going down.

1. Put your Music Player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHATAfter you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 3 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the MEME themselves!


Blow It Out (Ludacris [So true... so true]

The Realest (Young Jeezy)

Shawty (Plies f/ Teddy Penderassdown) [Strange but true]

I Got Money (Young Jeezy & T.I.) [This is like a fucking Ouji board]

Cleaning House (Peggy Scott-Adams) [You can never have too much blues in your iPod]

Tuck Ya Ice (Remix) (Trick Daddy f/ Baby & Rick Ross) ['Cause I sho do snatch chains]

Anonymous (Bobby Valentino) [After I blacklist them, of course]

It Takes Two (Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock) [That was totally fucking random and totally my motto on parenthood]

Last Day (Lil' Kim) ['Cause if you fuck me over.... you'll see your last day]

10. WHAT IS 2+2?
Some Hoes (Bun B f/ Bulletproof, Chino XL & Killer Mike) [That's a pimp's arithmatic]

Get Silly (V.I.C) [Why is that SO true?]

Let It Go (Keyshia Cole f/ Missy Elliot & Lil' Kim)

Bust It Baby Pt 2. (Plies & Ne-Yo) [I plead the fif admendmant of pimpdome]

Stronger (Kanye West) [Who doesn't?]

Stay (Pretty Ricky Ricky Rickay)

Ain't Nobody Stupid (Paula Campbell) [I hear that phrase a lot]

Get Up (Remix) (Ciara f/ Polow Da Don) [Biggest sign of a failed marriage; FREAK ME BABY]

Crank Dat Soulja Boy (Soulja Boy) [My corpse will commence to crank it's way to the Upper Room]

Freakum Dress (Beyoncé) [Especially on a loose toddler with plaits in her heads and she still got her baby hair; SEXAY!]

Shake What Your Momma Gave Ya (Uncle Luke) [What the eff?]

Stay (Ray Lavender)

Musicology (Prince) [That would make perfect sense]

Now... I'ma tag FRESH, COCOA & QUICK. And Fresh, I know you got one of them big, popular, fancy blogs but you ain't immune to some old fashioned fuckery!

Countdown 'Til Shutdown

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The BET Awards Festival of Coons 2K8 is coming in a few days and there are rumors afoot! Usher is s'posed to be opening the show and he does have a song out with Tee-Tee on it. So MAYBE... she'll scream, gyrate and lacefront for the fans next Thursday. Somehow, someway... Tee-Tee done managed to open the show on a yearly basis (well... almost) ever since the first unveiling of said event way back when Mr. Hightower and Ceddy were hosting it. Yep... I'm talking 'bout the time when Kizzy and Millie's presence held her back... but they can only do so much.

Anyways... Tee-Tee shut the show down! And I'm here to commerate.


I'd like to take the time to speculate what she'll wear to the shutdown show.

So far Granny has been making/picking out her outfits. She's already got a few wigs, dresses and hells laid out on the bed like it's School Picture Day. Here are her options:

A blue tube top with "The Roc" logo on it lined with camel fur and macadamia nuts with some redpop coochie cutters with polka dots shaped like Camel's cigarettes on it. She completes this ensemble with a pair of Deroen imitation YSL pumps and of course they were Dereon'd out by adding shark teeth to the stilleto spike. She'll also be sporting her Crazy In Love wig for that nogstalic effect.


An ecru ruffled top straight jacked out of Ike Turner's closet. The sleeves are supposedly made out of sewn together crocodile eyes which start crying when Tee-Tee releases all of that raw emotion. She'll wear this over a skintight, painted on blue jean dress whic was "borrowed" from Zoe Kravitz. She won't wear shoes with this one but she will mos def bust out in some freakum socks. Wig? Oh... you know she gon' bust out in her Rapunzel wig and slap everybody in the front row every time she pivots her neck in a 360 degree angle.


No top for this one... cuz Tee-Tee will be sporting her floor-length Wet-n-Wavy yaki that covers all of her unmentionable places. She will rock her infamous banana skirt but she'll replace the bananas with dildos in anticipation for her unreleased, never before heard single "Plastic, Rubber Ding-a-Lings". She wants to bring some of that 60s/70s/80s flair back on scene so Granny picked out some aquarium platform boots with fresh bitesize trout in the sole to finish the ensemble.


It's About Damn Time

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags: ,

I just got some good news and some bad news..

BAD NEWS: Word from AROUND THE WAY that "somebody's momma" will continue her Art of Love tour. I have disowned a few people in the past 72 hours so I don't know whose mother this is.

GOOD NEWS: She'll stop popping, hopping, skip and skopping and sit while performing. Since she got injured, she'll be seated on a stool center stage, like a damn hippie at Woodstock or something.

To me, this is neither good news nor bad news. It's progress. She's finally starting to go sat some damn where. This could lead to her sitting down for good. A celebration is in order. TIME TO PARTY!

Sound Byte: Chris Brown - A Milli

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I am so sick of "A Milli"...

Wayne... Much love to ya, bruh. I got nothing against you. Next time we rolling dice, though... don't get mad when I take your money. A'ight, homie?

But, y'now... I been ignoring the onslaught of bullshit. I been tip-toeing around certain posts on my favorite blogs. I been being polite. I even listened to a few versions of the song. The nerve of Pretty Chrissy to make his own A Milli?

I told the cyber-homie BRELAXEDHOMIE that the next somebody to make a new version of A Milli, I was gone shank 'em where the sun don't got no business shining. Chrissy... watch ya back, homie... 5TON4HEAD may be breaking dishes upside your dome, but I'm finna break my foot off in your ass.

Double The Fun!

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I know they sorta young for me but give 'em like 4 years. They gon' be on my like forehead on 5TON4HEAD. I know they gon' be jocking me. But I don't know if I'ma get with 'em. I don't like the family. Between Justin Combs and Quincy... I could shank the molasses outta both of them. And don't get me started on the GRANNY.


For My Fuckery Enthusiasts...

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Sorry, if you missed me. I won't be in today, at least not until later this afternoon. My Momma took some of that money she made from "Studying her own rhythm" and "Letting you speed her up if you wanted to, ooooooh" and payed Cuz Angie to teach me how to ride a bike. I'M EXCITED. No more Big Wheel banging for me (though I will miss it).

Anyway... until I master the fine arts of balance... you'll have to make due with FRESH, NECOLE, SAAVY, COCOA or QUICK.


I Blame The Weed Carrier Fucks Up

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I woulda fired my weed-carrier if this would have ever happened to me. Yes, I'm talking 'bout if I was hoo-riding and running red lights with the sticky icky on me and then Johnny Law comes up and throw the silver bracelets on a thug... my weed carrier will most likely be getting his resumé together. You know silver makes me break out. I only rocks the bests of platinum metals and the only fabric touching this ass is ostrich lined Huggies custom made by Tina Knowles.

But I digress.

Anyway... Warren G got locked up and they won't even let him look at cell bars let alone let the brother out. I'ma po' a lil' Welch's Grape Juice out for my boy in hopes that he T.I. the case. Speaking of T.I., I haven't seen Lil' T.I. (the one with the braids) lurking through the playground lately. But that's a good thing.

Warren G has been arrested in Los Angeles on a drug charge after police pulled over the car he was riding in. Police say the 35-year-old rapper was arrested early yesterday (June 8) after being pulled over for a red light violation. Officer Karen Smith says marijuana was found in the vehicle. The rapper’s real name is Warren Griffin III. Both he and the driver, Ryan Butler, were booked for investigation of possession of a controlled substance. They each posted $20,000 bail and were released.

I'm just tripping off the fact that the coppers act like they so surprised Warren G smokes weed. It's fucking Warren G.

The Return of Grade A Fuckery

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No words are needed.

Weekend Rant

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Last night, I went to one of the biggest parties in the world of "Z-list" Black celebs. Yep... Al B threw a party. Of course, I wasn't invited. Well, I was invited but I turned down the invite. They later called me for a job as the photographer, though. Yep... I played paparazzi for the night. I came home with a lil' more than Similac in my sippy cup last night. Millie met me going up the stairs and had a mouthful a questions.

"What you drinking, boy?"

"Was it fun?"

"Did the club get shot up 45 minutes before closing?"

Answers: Patron. Sorta-kinda-not-really. And HELL YEAH!

Here's the GUEST LIST and in-depth play-by-play:

9 PM: I showed up with my Fujufilm disposable and a trenchcoat just in case I ran into somebody that would recognize me.

9:02 PM: Al B stopped me at the door and asked me to work security with Landon Brown. He then took my camera and handed it to Quincy. Note to self: blacklist that fool.

9:10 PM: Eric Benét showed up to co-host [Oh the fuckery]. We couldn't let him in 'cause he ain't had no shoes on.

9:16 PM: Sheryl Underwood and Willie Mac of College Hill "fame" (the season where ol' girl got beat with a shoe) showed up arm-in-arm. We [me and Landon] dismissed the possible relationship rumors and just assumed they were mother and son.

9:27 PM: By the time Judge Mathis showed up I said "fuck it" and exempt myself from "doorman duties" and joined the party.

9:27:51 PM: Sandra Rose fills-in for me at the door.

9:30 PM: Now I don't know how it started but all I know is Omarosa and Elise Neal shared some words and somehow Shaun Robinson got into it.

9:31 PM: Landon tries to distinguish the argument.

9:32:19 PM: I start feeling guitly as Elise jabs her heel into Landon's eyesockets as Omarosa feeds Shaun eight knuckles to the dome.

9:35 PM: Real security showed up. Me and Luenell (yes, Luenell) joke about the fight. She clowned Omarosa. I clowned Landon.

9:58 PM: Lil' Al B Sure asks me to make a liquor run. I start reaching for my switchblade but then he pulls out a C-note and I head for the cornerstore.

10:01 PM: As I walk to my Chevy Caprise, I peep Tocorra outside rolling 'round on the pavement with Omarosa.

10:01:37 PM: Kizzy gets turned around at the door for not being on the guest list. Guess she wasn't famous enough.

10:03 PM: I pull off hearing somebody say, "Omarosa shoulda stayed her messy ass at home."

10:27 PM: I get stuck in traffic.

10:28 PM: I hop out the Caprice and pop the trunk. No I didn't pull out that tech. I pulled out my Big Wheel.

10:30 PM: I Big Wheel my way down the sidewalk flipping off Brandy who seems to be catching road rage.

10:41 PM: I make it to the store and catch a ride back with Brandon T. Jackson.

10:49 PM: Brandon's Pinto brakes down. He walks. I still gots the Big Wheel.

10:52 PM: I make it back to the party just in time for Thelma Hopkins to sing J-Kwon's "Tipsy" karoke style. She even gave a shout out to the original Harriette Winslow.

11:14 PM: Luenell starts doing things that may be sound strange but don't fret they were for a lil' piece of change.

Now, I admit... I sorta blacked out by the time Luenell started to drop and give 'em fiddy. But I did wake up to gun shots ringing. I left the tech in the trunk of the Caprice (which was still on the side of the highway) so I had to get the hell up outta there.

Next time, Al B throws a party I won't turn down the invite.

It's fiction, people.

Old School Friday

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Excuse the fuck outta me for not posting an OSF vid today, but I didn't get notice of the theme.


My entry: NOT GON' CRY by the caterwailing stylings of MARY J. BLIGE... why pick this... because the next time I'm skipped out on OSF I'm not gon' cry. I'ma shoot first, post later. Post bail that is.

For more Old School Fridays:

Full Clip Of Fuckery

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When I saw this I had to snatch it up for my lil' ones.

My Pop-Pop saw it and now he thinking franchise. Your boy DanYe getting that signing bonus & some commission. Now that's pimping.


Full Clip: Solangerie - "I Decided"

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So my homegirl Lavender called me last night and made me turn to Black Embarrassment Television. "Sol-Angel is doing something big," she claimed. Would you believe I actually stopped coloring and paid attention to BET's Access Granted last night to peep this?

My thoughts on the "I Decided" video? Wait for it... Wait for it... I can't hate.

But that's what I got my readership for. Feedback?

Where Props Are Due

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Readers looka here... every now and then you gotta reach behind the TV, yank off that extension cord and beat your kids' asses silly...

First off, I'm giving props to this white lady with no damn sense. Let me clarify that I'm not celebrating her laying back and taking it up the ass with no Vaseline. I'm just giving her props for being bettter than me and keeping her cool. I mean, we [the whole world] would have completely understood if you dropkicked him in the chest. But you stayed calm and didn't show your ugly side to the world. And I'm just giving you props because for sitting there and just taking a lick from your own son proves to me that way you're better than me. I would've went Steve Wilkos on his little fat ass. I don't condone talking 'bout other folks children but this little Cartman-worshiper I will glady put on blast.

-If I ever tell my Momma to shut up, I would get hit so hard I wouldn't be able to recite the alphabet nor spell my own name for a good five years.

-If I ever told my Momma I had an opinion while under 18, she would've played Grit Ball with my face. A minor with an opinion... nigra if you can't vote your opinion does matter nor should it be even uttered.

-If I ever jump up at my Momma or approach her with sudden movements she gone start shooting. Point blank.

-If I ever hit my Momma... perish the thought.

So... there you have it... this white lady is a good one because five-oh would've hauled me off under the jail for what I would've did to his thick-in-the-face and all-over-the-place ass.


I also would like to give props to HOTSAUCE because a whole 'lotta blogs were reporting this and I couldn't even bring myself to watch it until I read the post on it @ THAT'SNOTHOTT.

And the title? Pass me a bag of belts had me dying laughing.

For My Fans

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Just cause I love ya.

This Shit Right Here...

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That's why I blacklisted you in the first place chump.

Wimp vs. Pimp

Ya boy Rumplepimpskin ain't never did nothing to nobody. And goofy-ass beaver teeth Pretty Chrissy is biting my style and jocking my swag.

That ain't right, homie. That ain't right. I want my cut back. That's MY cut. Yo' hair ain't even curly enough to rock it right.

More incriminating evidence.