Weekend Rant

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Last night, I went to one of the biggest parties in the world of "Z-list" Black celebs. Yep... Al B threw a party. Of course, I wasn't invited. Well, I was invited but I turned down the invite. They later called me for a job as the photographer, though. Yep... I played paparazzi for the night. I came home with a lil' more than Similac in my sippy cup last night. Millie met me going up the stairs and had a mouthful a questions.

"What you drinking, boy?"

"Was it fun?"

"Did the club get shot up 45 minutes before closing?"

Answers: Patron. Sorta-kinda-not-really. And HELL YEAH!

Here's the GUEST LIST and in-depth play-by-play:

9 PM: I showed up with my Fujufilm disposable and a trenchcoat just in case I ran into somebody that would recognize me.

9:02 PM: Al B stopped me at the door and asked me to work security with Landon Brown. He then took my camera and handed it to Quincy. Note to self: blacklist that fool.

9:10 PM: Eric Benét showed up to co-host [Oh the fuckery]. We couldn't let him in 'cause he ain't had no shoes on.

9:16 PM: Sheryl Underwood and Willie Mac of College Hill "fame" (the season where ol' girl got beat with a shoe) showed up arm-in-arm. We [me and Landon] dismissed the possible relationship rumors and just assumed they were mother and son.

9:27 PM: By the time Judge Mathis showed up I said "fuck it" and exempt myself from "doorman duties" and joined the party.

9:27:51 PM: Sandra Rose fills-in for me at the door.

9:30 PM: Now I don't know how it started but all I know is Omarosa and Elise Neal shared some words and somehow Shaun Robinson got into it.

9:31 PM: Landon tries to distinguish the argument.

9:32:19 PM: I start feeling guitly as Elise jabs her heel into Landon's eyesockets as Omarosa feeds Shaun eight knuckles to the dome.

9:35 PM: Real security showed up. Me and Luenell (yes, Luenell) joke about the fight. She clowned Omarosa. I clowned Landon.

9:58 PM: Lil' Al B Sure asks me to make a liquor run. I start reaching for my switchblade but then he pulls out a C-note and I head for the cornerstore.

10:01 PM: As I walk to my Chevy Caprise, I peep Tocorra outside rolling 'round on the pavement with Omarosa.

10:01:37 PM: Kizzy gets turned around at the door for not being on the guest list. Guess she wasn't famous enough.

10:03 PM: I pull off hearing somebody say, "Omarosa shoulda stayed her messy ass at home."

10:27 PM: I get stuck in traffic.

10:28 PM: I hop out the Caprice and pop the trunk. No I didn't pull out that tech. I pulled out my Big Wheel.

10:30 PM: I Big Wheel my way down the sidewalk flipping off Brandy who seems to be catching road rage.

10:41 PM: I make it to the store and catch a ride back with Brandon T. Jackson.

10:49 PM: Brandon's Pinto brakes down. He walks. I still gots the Big Wheel.

10:52 PM: I make it back to the party just in time for Thelma Hopkins to sing J-Kwon's "Tipsy" karoke style. She even gave a shout out to the original Harriette Winslow.

11:14 PM: Luenell starts doing things that may be sound strange but don't fret they were for a lil' piece of change.

Now, I admit... I sorta blacked out by the time Luenell started to drop and give 'em fiddy. But I did wake up to gun shots ringing. I left the tech in the trunk of the Caprice (which was still on the side of the highway) so I had to get the hell up outta there.

Next time, Al B throws a party I won't turn down the invite.

It's fiction, people.

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