...make me laugh, dammit.
Think you funny? Think you got jokes? Think YOU can make me double over with laughter?
A lie, nigga, a lie!
Using the comments sections, that you frequent but never manage to post in, fabricate your own lil' lies concerning my peoples, families, business associates, and undesirables. If you make me shoot Welch's from my nostrils in glee, I may break ya off a lil' something-something.
Also... I have set aside my beef with Beyonceitis, but it's just temporary. I still keep a small dagger in my boot holster for the day that bastard turn on me. But anyways, homie switched up the WIG CRYPT'S flow. That's a good look, better yet a hood look. They done redecorated and it only cost me $3460.98... Yep, I had to foot the bill, but don't worry... it's coming outta Kizzy's paycheck and Millie's album sales.
...make me laugh, dammit.
Making that ass roll like some 24s, then this nigga came and fucked everything up... or was it too late?
You be the judge.
Readers looka here...
Every now and again we like to salute a comrade (who shall remain nameless) whose birthday is today. Why are we saluting him? Because we use his likeness and his caretakers haven't slapped us in the face with one of Matthew Knowles' Stacy Adams of Injustice. Thank you, guys. Thank you for not kicking down my door and throwing Creole Seasoning in my eyes while Johnny Law put the cuffs on me. Thank you for not writing a song about me and putting it on the I Can't Clearance Mixtape. You've probably done that and I'll probably cry when I hear it, because I supported you by running out and buying my very own copy of Sol-Angel and The I Ain't Bought A Goddamn Thang.
You know it's hard out here for a pimp, when a pimp's readership wants a daily laugh and you just can't deliver. A fellow blogger once told me, there's only so many ways you can tell the same joke.
"Lacefront this. Bitch I stole yo' crayons that. I threw Mama from the train this. I play in traffic and hiss at photogs that."
I mean, cut me some slack readership. When I come across tidbits of that goodshit you know I'm more than willing to lace you up nice and properlike. But enough about that....
Happy fourth birthday, young toddler who shall remain nameless. Slap a ho for me, which is something you'd NEVER do so I'll change that to hiss at the paparazzi for me and if they tell you that's a great expression you slap them for me. That's something your mom would do.
Ashanti: So like I was saying, all you need to do is entrepreneurize all yo' endeavors.
LCP: Oh, word?
Ashanti: Yep, take yo' drug game, yo' pimp game, yo' video games and hustle all that shit out the same trunk and then you gon' be able to pay for yo' own studio time and not rely on yo' fam... I mean look at what it did to every non-Blonde in your genus.
LCP: You make a good point.
Zahara: Can you hurry up?
Ashanti: Oh I'm sorry... Your total is $7.56... pull around, pay then pick up at the last window.
LCP: That sounds mad familiar, mayne.
Ashanti: Oh, you musta saw my interview with BEYONCEITIS ... we was talmbout you I think.
LCP: Yeah, I remember that shit. False identity, huh? I'll bust a dent in yo' ass and it won't be false. If I didn't have my girl in the passenger, I'd get out the whip, walk in there and start flipping tables and shit.
Zahara: Pull around, Dee.
*pulls around to the next window; pays for food; pulls up to the next window.*
Zahara: You always gotta be trippin...
LCP: Calm ya nerves...
Zahara: Don't talk to me like that, Dee.. I'm sick of you talking down to me, like I'm one of yo' sidelines. I'm in the game... I don't ride the bench and I don't cheer for nobody. I ain't no sideline ho, Dee. I ain't one of them chicks in the streets that you throw in the sheets. I'm a lady.
LCP: Who said you was?
Zahara: Gimme my food!!!
LCP: You can stop holla'n!
*LCP takes food from the Marsha Warfield (google her) looking chick and hands them to Zahara, and puts the car in drive*
Zahara: Uhn-uh!!! Whatchu doing?!?!
LCP: What you steady holla'n fo' girl.
Zahara: How you gon' pull off and I ain't check the food yet?
*going through foods*
Zahara: No this good googly moogly Project Pat looking heffa did not give us both boy toys.
LCP: Here we go again.
Zahara *yelling at woman in window*: Excuse me miss... um... you didn't give me a female toy in my Happy meal. I am not leaving until I get one.
LCP: It ain't that serious.
Zahara: Yes it is, they got them My Little Ponies with the the lil' hairbrushes again. I want my shit! I want my shit! You finna gimme my My Little Pony and the toy hairbrush.
Woman Working Window: You need a damn hairbrush.
Zahara: No... she... didn't...
*Zahara opens the door and hops out the car, rushing towards the drive thru window*
LCP: I shoulda never got back with yo' ass.
*LCP burns rubber*
This has been "Boy Toy Happy Meal (skit w/ Zahara)" Skit titled submitted by SoulStolen.
If I learnt anything from 5Ton4Head's swag... I learnt that thou shall not drop ANYTHING whilst in a Beyoncé era. Not a single. Not a album. Not even a loan. You see what happened to Lehman Brothers? Tee-Tee got skills so crucial she got nigs filing bankruptcy. I bet you two dollars and a fake tracklisting of her new album that when she drops her new shit the economy picks back up.
But I digress.
Like I was saying... 5TonBrokeHead made me realize this. If you wanna do it big, you gotta do it in Tee-Tee's abscense. So I'ma drop ANOTHER on y'all lames. HURRY UP & BUY!
1. Random Rants (Intro) (feat. Gov. Sarah Palin)
2. It's The Remix, Baby (The Bitch I Stole Yo' Crayons Remix) (feat. Lil' Wayne)
3. Codiene + Pediasure
4. Hustlin' On The Playground
5. I Got That Good Burried Under The Swingset
6. The Jungle Gym 'Long To Me
7. RAUUUUS! (feat. Rick Ross)
8. Bobby By The Pound, Whitney By The Key (Miss Kelly By The Guap) (samples UGK's The Game Belong To Me)
9. Feed Me Arnolds Or Feed Me Beats
10. I Got All The Bitches (feat. Flava Flav & Missy Elliot)
11. Nickolodeon > Disney Channel
12. Worst Of One World (Fuck Miley Cyrus)
13. We Rock That Tacky Shit (feat. Granny & Tee-Tee)
14. If I Were A Carter