Shit you don't do to a Creole...
Readers looka here...
REASON: I told him beforehand, if he didn't tie up the NBA Finals 3 to 3 that I was gon' tie him to the middle of 405 insterstate during lunch hour.
CONSEQUENCES: I happen to know that Brandy is dying to get her grub on at Mr. Chow's. She ain't been in a while.
PARTING WORDS: 405... stay alive...
First, peep exhibit A.
My cyber-homie SCOOP texted me talmbout some "Latarian Milton Big Ton was seen HOO-RIDING with Bobby Brown."
I couldn't believe it.
In the words of my Granny:
"Hell the fuck nah! Ain't that 'bout a bitch and then some!"All I gotta say to Big Ton is we ain't friends no mo'. You seemed cool at first, y'know... 'cause you was into grand theft auto (I'm not talking 'bout the game) and granny-beating... But banging with Bobby? You must be constipated and want him to pull some dookie-logs up out ya.
This bitch done stole my crayons and my momma's stylist. Let me catch her on the street. I'll mollywhop her just as God made Moses (stealing another one of Granny's quotes).
Or I could just sick SOLJA GIRL on her.
SIDEBAR: Even from the back, she looks brolic.
Why serve Chrianna? Why, Colonel? Why?!?!?!
NECOLE... WHY? WHY YOU GOTTA PARTAKE IN THIS PUBLICITY LOVE?
I am THIS close to blacklisting somebody from my clique of gorillas in black tees.
Akon's ad nauseum claims about his criminal career and resulting prison time have been, to an overwhelming extent, exaggerated, embellished, or wholly fabricated, an investigation by The Smoking Gun has revealed. Police, court, and corrections records reveal that the entertainer has created a fictionalized backstory that serves as the narrative anchor for his recorded tales of isolation, violence, woe, and regret. Akon has overdubbed his biography with the kind of grit and menace that he apparently believes music consumers desire from their hip-hop stars.
While the performer's rap sheet does include a half-dozen arrests, Akon has only been convicted of one felony, for gun possession.
Akon spent the next three years in a Georgia prison. While inside, the 150-pound inmate "fought almost every day for two years," in the process becoming a "champion" who prevailed over both big and small inmates because, "I knew where to hit you to knock you out, so I didn't fear you."Punk ass was scared they was gone jack him for his manhood and bars of Ivory. Ain't shit in my book.
I just got the rest of that interview of Mya running her damn mouth.
I'm officially blacklisting this hoe. Ya boy can only do so much stabbing and fighting. I don't wanna end up like the 3rd graders from Georgia
And now the interview (snitchfest):
One major downside to Beyoncé's rise to fame was the demise of other folks' career. One girl in particular has felt a ton of hardships since Beyoncé has taken over and decided to speak out. Here's what she had to say… part II.
Us: Did you provoke Solange at any point to even give her a slight reason to call you a bucket-headed heffa?
Mya: No. I don't remember doing such things.
Us: Are you sure?
Mya: Yeah… wait a minute… wait a minute. I was supposed to wash her car that day and I forgot to do it. So we ended up rolling to the club in her white 1981 Nissan Maxima with the blue passenger's door and no bumpers.
Us: No bumpers?
Mya: Mmm-hmmm. She was tryna get that new Ford Focus but her pockets was empty as the audience at a Kelly Rowland concert. I think she got that Maxima 'cause somebody owed Baby Daniel a favor.
Us: Speaking of Baby Daniel, is he "shysty" also?
Mya: (looking over her shoulders and nodding "yes): Nah! Nah! Nah! Of course not… he is an angel. The best baby I've ever baby-sat. (whispering) Don't be asking me no questions like 'bout him. You tryna get me caught up?
Us: No.
Mya: I ain't tryna be walking down the street and get snatched. Don't be asking me no questions about that boy.
Us: Don't worry Mya, this conversation is strictly confidential. No harm will come your way.
Mya: For real?
Us: Of course.
Mya: Well, in that case…. That lil' boy is the debil. I 'member this one time I was babysitting for him while Solange working was at BET's Spring Bling selling hot dogs and popcorn balls to the spectators. That boy drove me crazy. He set my drapes on fire. My landlord evicted me 'cause of that boy. Now I gotta stay in the projects, 'cause I get bad recommendations from previous superintendents.
Us: Damn. Have you witnessed any other crimes he's committed?
Mya: Girl, have I? Is water wet? Is the sky turquoise at noon? Is Ne-Yo's lip gloss popping? Did Lil' Mama help write the Ten Commandments?
Us: I take it you did.
Mya: Hell yeah, I did! I took him to the park this one time. Everything was all good. Birds was chirpings, I'm talking bout everything was all good. And I saw this fine brother with his lil' dog looking cute. So I set his stroller by the water fountain while I go talk to the dude. I got his number AND his address, guh.
Us: Can we get back to the point?
Mya: But like I was saying… I come back to the water fountain and he was gone. I looked everywhere. All over the park. He was nowhere to be found. I started to panic. I started to think, "What would Mama Tina do to me if she found out I lost the baby?" Hell, I was already running 'round with one sleepy, tired, saggy, Rumpelstiltskin looking tiddy. Ain't no telling what she'd no next.
Us: I'm sure you found him right?
Mya: Yeah. My cell phone rang and it was the police. They say they picked him up running out of a corner store. Some Koreans was going psycho screaming, "You come back and pay, now!You buy! You buy!" But Daniel was all, "Snatch and run, yo!" and when the police tried to apprehend him, he put up a fight.
Us: Are you serious?
Mya: Girl, yeah. They say he went Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers on them hoes. I went and picked him up from the precinct before Angie Beyince snitching ass could found out about it.
Us: Close call. Moving on… you said that you were also at the club with Kelly Rowland… was she cool or is she also apart of the Legion of Doom?
Mya: Kelly, was cool. But she was a damn punk.
Us: Really?
Mya: Hell yeah. Solange ask her to jump she'd be like, "How high." Solange say jump Kelly be like, "With a rope, a pogo stick, or on a trampoline." Solange ask her to jump Kelly be like…
Us: I get it.
Mya: Well, my bad.
Us: What about Michelle?
Mya: Who?
Us: Michelle?
Mya: Who?
Us: Michelle Williams!
Mya: You ain't got to holla, I can hear you. Who the hell is Michelle?
Us: She was the other girl in the Destiny's Child. The one that sat in the dentist's chair in the Cater 2 U video.
Mya: OH!!!! You mean Millie? Oh, I ain't never socialize with her. She was always in the wig crypt. Them wigs ain't gone brush themselves. But Kelly and Millie they both weak.
The interview had to end abruptly because I had to let Mya leave before she was late for her shift at the local Costco's. My interview with Mya proved fruitful yet shocking. I have never sat in a room with someone so crazy. That's until I sat down with Ashanti.
Us: Ashanti, before we get started I'd like to thank you for taking your time to talk with us.
Ashanti: It's cool. I called Brooke Valentine and she said she'd cover my shift tonight. Denny's couldn't make a decision without me.
Us: You own a Denny's?
Ashanti: Guh, stop! I'm in charge of all the waitresses. I make sure they wash they hands after using the restrooms and I also make sure they don't steal nothing.
Us: So I did some research on you and I read that you cited Mary J Blige and Etta James as your influences.
Ashanti: Mmm-hmmm. I love them. Mary's music is so empowering, uplifting. It's just bananas.
Us: I see you also listed Blue Magic as one also.
Ashanti: Oh yeah… I don't know where I'd be without Blue Magic. My scalp would be dryer then a motherf.cuker. It really helps grow yo' roots, too. I recommend it to all my friends.
Us: I'm sorry. I thought you meant Blue Magic, the band.
Ashanti: Who?
Us: Never mind. So I take it you want to speak out against Beyoncé's Legion of Doom.
Ashanti: Yeah, ma. They pissed me off.
Us: Please feel free to elaborate.
Ashanti: Like, this one time. I went in for an interview and to apply for a job in the wig crypt. Mama Tina straight insulted me. She gone tell me, "You ain't dressed for the job." And I was shocked because I had my Fila sweatervest on with the matching Jordache jeans. I was tryna be tacky, you know. To fit in. I guess I forgot to wear a wig.
Us: Forgot to wear a wig? Not trying to be nosy, but don't you always wear a lacefront?
Ashanti: Heavens no. Me, Lacefronts? Bananas!
Us: So you're not wearing a lacefront right now?
Ashanti: No this is my real hair.
I peeped her jet black, straight wig which had her looking like Morticia Adams but dismissed it for the slim chance that it was REALLY hers.
Us: Have you had any mishaps with Matthew Knowles? Has he ever been at or party or the same club as you?
Ashanti: Damn, girl how'd you know?
Us: Lucky guess.
Ashanti: He strolled up in there with a lemon, lime tux with a bow tie and some coat-tails. Looking like a half-ripe banana. Then he had a…
Us: Stainless steel cain?
Ashanti: YEAH! I swear this is uncanny. It's like you're reading my mind like you got ESPN or something. This is bananas.
Us: What happened when Matthew was there?
Ashanti: Well, I remember this light-skinned chick telling him to leave his alone. So he stepped to me talmbout some he pissed his wife off and he wanted to help me with my career, which was doing really good at the time.
Us: At the time, key words.
Ashanti: Excuse me?
Us: Nothing, please continue.
Ashanti: But you know… Matthew scrolled up in there with a pimp in his step. I mean, who does that anymore. It was 2003 but still. He was like telling he could help my career if I came to his room with him and if I didn't he'd make sure it'd go down like Superhead in a room full of rappers.
Us: He really said that?
Ashanti: Yeah.
Us: That's crazy.
Ashanti: I know. I shoulda went back to his room with him.
[TO BE CONTINUED]
So I'm at my Tee-Tee and Unc's funer... wedding. I meant wedding. And everything was going smooth...
Up until the point where I had to cut the shit outta Superhead? No not like that. Even if I didn't think she had cooties (b/c she totally does) I wouldn't go anywhere near her to "cut". What I mean is I literally cut her. Bitch stood up on the "if anyone think there's any reason this couple should not wed part" she gone stand up and bring up Uncle Joe's illegitimate churren. I dragged her by her Yaki and beat her ass down the church steps. Bitch spit on me. I don't want what she got. So I cut her ass.
Problem with it?
I mean, I didn't come to the wedding to act no fool. I was just bearing the ring and then I was gone get busy at the reception. But now... I gotta go to trial. Excuse me while I hustle up the rest of this bail money for my money. Y'all know she ain't making no real money no way.
Why the freak was I not alerted of this nonsense. According to my Ex-Bust It Baby, Fresh the dookie-breath medical team that came to see 'bout my Granny is full of shit. They act like my Granny wasn't sick or something. Short of breath? High blood pressure? Wig falling out? Y'all better do something to help her. AND QUICK TOO. Before I start pistol whipping lames. Talmbout it wasn't so serious that they had to rush her to the hospital. What kinda tomfuckery is this?
I'm so mad, I won't attempt to find a pic to complete this post. I'm emotional right now so don't expect to see me on the playground tomorrow.
Lil' Rock has been blacklisted for a while now, but I had to make it official.
Next time he tries to overthrow me and my turf, I'ma choke 'em. The jungle gym belongs to me, kid. Stay on the monkey bars with the other lames.
Speaking of my enemy....
Chris. Chris. Chris.
At first we was friends. We wasn't THAT cool but you was on my good side. I ain't never had to smack you into next Tuesday or nothing. You was cool with my peoples too. Jay talked me into doing a track with you on my upcoming debut album "Pimping Ain't Easy". I was gone do it, too.
But then I saw this
How you gone disrespect my family like that, bruh? You know we boycotting 5Ton-4Head. You know this. What you think I took a bat to her limo at the Grammy's for nothing. Do you know we had that place LOCKED DOWN? Do you know I got a crew consisting of Brooklyn Beckham and my main squeez Zahara Jolie-Pitt? Do you know that she don't play that shit? Do you? Do you? She was your biggest fan! She got a sippy cup with your pic on it. She didn't even believe the rumors about you and your manager. She was ready to cut a bitch, though. Took the barrattes out her head and everything, just ready to fight. But I digress.
Now, I'm not the type to shank folks all willy-nilly, but I got my eye on you. Consider your next single to be a Billboard flop. My grandaddy will make sure of it!
