That's right. I broke Twitter. Twitter is missing something nowadays, isn't it? You think it don't you? Welp!!!! It wasn't shit to begin with.

Before we kick things off understand, this is not a sign that I shall be returning to the tweets. OR IS IT!? This is not a sign that I miss the tweets. OR IS IT!? This is not the final goodbye. OR IS IT!? This is not, I repeat, not me telling you I'm coming back. OR IS--- NO IT'S NOT!

You may wonder why am I writing this? I'm not saying I owe this to anybody, but I'ma tell ya like a pimp... ION'T OWE YALL SHIT! But the abrupt manner in which I packed up and chunked the deuce was kinda... Shit I don't know.  Don't even make me lie. (If you find yourself thinking "This motherfucker is rambling!", I find myself replying "Ain't shit new". This is how I does.)

I just left because it felt right.

I wanted to leave at a time no one would notice right away. It was 2AM/3AM on a Thursday night. Y'all niggas were all somewhere getting pregnant. It was all good.

If you weren't paying attention like you claim you were, I had been at the point where I just didn't gibbapuck. Don't take that heart. You know I love you. A few of you. Very few. Almost none of you. You know this. You know I love you. I just stopped giving a fuck. I still don't. With the way things had gotten, I felt like it was time to hit the old dusty trail and head back to where I'd come from.

This is the part of the show where I acknowledge a few people and shit. Parents, your children should leave the room now. Princey, make Gordy leave the room.

----

Shug Avery. I never ever ever ever intended what went down between the two of us to happen. We have said what we said and that was that. If it coulda been squashed, it shoulda been squashed. It really should have. But that's crying over spilled Koolaid now, huh?

Drew Sidora. You fucked your career up. It was so promising. Here you are with the role many die for: A Wayans Bros movie. It basically set you up for greatness. You were THIS close to a Daytime Emmy at least and what you do? You play yourself. Figuratively but not really. That role on The Game. Deep sigh. NO ONE KNOWS YOU'RE A REAL PERSON! Up until the point you searched your name on Twitter and @replied whomever brought you up, they thought you were a  fictitious character. But since you and the character version of yourself you played have the same name, everyone thinks you basically played yourself. And if you think about, you played yourself. You play yourself and you played yourself.

Zindzi. Why do they call you Ye?

Ricky. I had some Church's recently. The peppers came in a cup. Not a bag.

Select NT affiliates. :hat.

Sherri Shephead. 8. That's what it looks like. Get on that.

Kyle. I always wanted to quizbowl you on College Hill. It felt tacky, though, so I never attempted.

New York. I'll never live there. Fuck what Alicia said. "There's nothing you can't do." And I won't attempt. NYC just ain't my type of hype. AND I SAID IT!

Lunchables. :hat.

Jori with regular hair. :shoe

Swaggerjackery. If I ever used a bit of slang you created, used your style, jocked your steelo, or took somethin' you said and ran with it.... Thank you.

Favorites. If you favorited something I said and find yourself upset that I deleted the account and you can't access said favorite, tough titty. If you can't quote it off the top, asbestos, it wasn't so near and dear now was it?

---

I'm done... Gordy may return now, Princey. It wasn't all that brutal. I just wanted to point out how you run Gordy.

A lot of you wonder if I'm gonna come back under a new name. I don't plan on it. I left Twitter to get away from Twitter. Coming back would defeat the purpose. Not saying I don't lurk. I just don't wanna be in the mix for lack of better words. It's 4 in the fuckin' morning. I'm tired, Ms Rain. We can finish this shit later.

Management out.

One YAASS! Two YAAASS! Gosselin YAASSS! Duggar YAASS! The healthcare bill done passed and now we can rejoice. Not only can you afford that new hip to continue your #hoshit escapades, but you can get rid of Rush Limbaugh -FINALLY!! Before you go tap dancing in public get a load of this:

Recently, a number of interesting things happened. First, Rush Limbaugh said on his radio show that if the Healthcare Reform Bill passed, he would go to Costa Rica. Second, the Healthcare Reform Bill passed. As you can imagine, this has made a number of people very excited. We are among that number. We want to make sure that Rush is able to make good on his promise, and so we've made this website.

If you got a PayPal account and a dollar then you, too, can help rid the States of hate. Just one dollar a day will feed a hungry child in Africa. Ten will go towards relief in Haiti, Chili, and other places Pat Robertson don't fuck with. Donate to them FIRST then just ONE easy payment of one dollar will get Rush Limbaugh the fuck outta here.

I came across this site and cried. I cried like Jesus. I didn't cry when Obama was declared President-elect because God told me a change was gon' come. I knowed this. But we can finally get rid of Rush which is one less Republican and that makes me cry like everybody at the end of Precious. I'm just so fucking happy.

Bruh Mane Laflare. This shit right here... This just makes me wanna get back in the studio and complete The No Thanks Chronicles mixtape. Bing bing bing and zing zing zing with zest zest zest. ...and if you don't know now you know.

No words are needed. The only thing you need to do is press play and incorporate these quotes into your life.

You still DC chillin'? Huh, nigga?

The birth of Twitter's infamous Pachama Party was result of watching BET every Tuesday for a nice Tiny & Toya fuckery extravaganza. But this clip redefines everything I know and love about 'Chama and Tiny's speaking voice... The 1:55 mark is the UNDERSTANDING we all need.

Somebody give them a Pulitzer. Stat!

Thanks @ROBO3K. Hop in a cab and follow that car.

GaGa is known for putting on bird's nest, zebra hair and a giant pacifier and calling it fashion, so until viewing this video I didn't know what her face looked like. And after seeing it, I'm sure I'm gonna die in seven six days a la The Ring. While you count the minutes 'til our [you watched too, don't lie], let's list things Gaga looks like by the face.

-CARIDEE ENGLISH
-BLOSSOM [But that's not in my OPINIONATION]
-Captain Hook
-The Candy Man's hook
-Something I saw in Happy Feet
-Johnny Cage's elbows
-Synclaire after a Vodka Stinger
-The key Queen Latifah wore around her neck on Living Single [I'm sure I read this in The Bocks about Lil' Kim's nose, but I'm not sure to whom deserves the credentials.]
-My Momma after a Sammy Sosa
-Pretty much Amy Winehouse but blonder and less emaciated
-The family of squirrels living in Winehouse's beehive

A while back, I mentioned that I like to get my coon jig on with the best of them, no matter how fuckery infused or nigga-made I might look while doing it. And I can't lie, I'm prone to looking nigga-made. I mentioned it in this post HERE and I've been on the hunt looking for a certain video ever since. I wanted to lace y'all with the 106 and Park Wild Out Wednesday version of it, but:

a) I couldn't find that particular video.
2) Y'all got enough bullshit to deal with and 106 and Park via YouTube wouldn't make it no better.

But since I can't give y'all the best, I'ma give ya what's left over. Here is a video of upcoming, rap sensation (in the vain of Soulja Boy-ish music) Lil' Speedie performing his hit record (in the streets of his city, of course) "Do Tha Hammer Head"

Control yourself. Don't hurt nobody tryna learn the steps.

...to accompany the last post. Hulk's daughter wants your frosting on her.

Don't groove too hard to it, y'all.

 Y'all already be tryna put words in Tee-Tee mouth. Here's your chance to make that wish come true.

 
Ya'll know Michael Jackson's son decided to start a blog, right? Drawing a question-mark as to which son I'm talking about? Yes, the one he held over the balcony like he was finna throw a bullet pass to Randy Moss.


HIT HIM UP! CTRL + D BOOKMARK YA BOY! And if you haven't done so already, CTRL + D ME, TOO!

Did I ever tell y'all 'bout the time I met Michael Jackson? True story.... I was at a red light and I look to my right and look it is... The Pissy Pied Piper himself, R. Kelly. Somebody was in the passanger seat waving at me. I looked closer... Wacko Jacko in the flesh. Sorta. Anyways, he kept waving and was tryna say something but I ran that damn red light as soon as I figured out who he was. After about 5 blocks of pedal to the metal, metal to the floor, I arrived at my destination: the local playground.

Guess who pulls up? Micheal and Robert... talmbout some, "OH! So this is where the playground is located!" I hopped back in my Caprice and drove off into the sunset.

But be sure to hit up Blanket's spot. Don't judge him on his Daddy. Remember... I had to spend nine-months in THIS LADY.

Just cause I love ya.

Check out that Williams girl...

• Red fuck me pumps? Check.
• Jeans painted on? Check.
• Booty you can building a rollercoaster on? DOUBLE CHECK!
  

As swoler 'dan a possum with the mumps!

I got a open, half-eaten pack of Now and Laters for whoever can tell me where that quote is from.


Like Soulja Boy say... SHE GOT A DONK!

So Suge Knight got what was coming for him last Saturday at the club.

I ran up on the fool and hit him with a few jabs to the knee area. He fell so damn hard, people in Japan felt the ground tremor and shit.

And Ion't 'preciate how the media talmbout they [his crew full of fuckboys and lackies] threw me on the ground and stomped me? A LIE!!! Kizzy had my lightweight. But on some real shit [1], what she lacks in album sale ability, she more than makes up for in street fightership.

But in hopes that Suge will forgive me and give me free studio time and street cred due to affiliation, I won't blacklist him... THIS TIME!!!

I'll post how it happened tomorrow... 'cause I'm up way past bedtime!

[1] Where props are due. On some real shit, I hate that shit too.

After a good eleven years at playing "crouching plastic surgery, hidden face at birth" Lil' Kim's natural look has finally emerged. I'm feeling this natural look. She don't look like Homey The Clown right now... so I'm giving her a gold star and a green light. Does anyone else think she favors Oprah a just little bit in the pic above? Maybe she's just smiling with her eyes.

My only question is... what happened to the Asian-lady mask she was wearing?

Some more of the interview that's exposing my family has leaked. I'ma strangle whoever is Deepthroating (get yo' mind out the gutter) this mess.

One major downside to Beyoncé's rise to fame was the demise of other folks' career. One girl in particular has felt a ton of hardships since Beyoncé has taken over and decided to speak out. Here's what she had to say… part III.

Us: You seriously thought about going back to his room with him.

Ashanti: Hell no! For starters, he's a married man. He smelt like Ben- and he was drooling Alka-Seltzer. And last but not least, he was tryna kiss up on my neck in the club and his mustache fell off and landed into my bra.

Us: You've gotta to be kidding me!

Ashanti: It's the truth. Worse than that time Micheal Jackson's nose fell into my soup at an Oprah get-together.

Us: Are you serious?

Ashanti: If I'm lying may Ms. Kelly: The Platinum Underground Tri-Release go platinum. He even tried to fish it out with his sausage fingers.

Us: Who? Micheal? He did?

Ashanti: No! Matthew.

Us: Oh. Makes more sense. Michael? Women's boob? What was I thinking?

Ashanti: Yeah, but... I just yelled rape. And I yelled and I yelled. And my boyfriend's homeboy Murphy Lee came up outta nowhere and hit him in the face.

Us: Wait a minute. Stop! So you're telling me Matthew Knowles got the fighting with Murphy Lee?

Ashanti: Yeah. Matthew thought he was Ali or somebody tryna rope-a-dope. He one two stepped and broke his baby toe.

Us: What? How'd it end?

Ashanti: The club owner made them take it outside. So Matthew was all in the parking lot 'bout to have a heart attack. The police came through and we all dipped.

Us: So what's Murphy Lee have to say about it?

Ashanti: I don't know. Matter of fact, that's the last time I saw Murphy.

Matthew and Murphy Lee fight and Murphy Lee suddenly drops off the face of the earth. Coincidence? I think not. I wanted to get down to the bottom of Matthew's crazy night in the club but sadly, I had to let Ashanti get back to her shift at Mac's Gas Station. I tried contacting Mya again but somehow she mysteriously disappeared. I visited Circuit City but her supervisor told me she hadn't been to work in several days. She also said and I quote, "To tell the b.itch she still owes me a copy of Liberation and I know she wore my Wonder Woman outfit to that costume party last Halloween without my permission." But I digress. Eager to unravel this mystery, I spoke with one more artist.

Us: Amerie, I'm so happy you could join us.

Amerie: It's my pleasure…

Us: What have you been up to?

Amerie: Well, I'm about to head into the studio and start working on my next album entitled "The Vagrant's Monologue: Will F.uck For Tracks."

Us: Sounds hot.

Amerie: Yeah, go cop that. And I just finished my world tour, this past year.

Us: You had a world tour in '07?

Amerie: Of course. I did a few TV spots in America and tagged that as the North American leg and then I ventured south past Antarctica to a faraway land called Bashonka Island.

Us: Bashonka Island?

Amerie: Yeah, the Bashonkan people really love my music. I'm number one of all of their charts. I get GREAT airplay there.

Us: Bashonka Island?

Amerie: Yeah, beautiful island. Beautiful beaches and palm trees. Never rains. No natural disasters. It's quite the getaway.

Us: You mean to tell me you visited an island that receives no rain but still it finds a way to maintain palm trees. You visited an island that's in the middle of the ocean SOMEWHERE, but it still has never been struck by a natural disaster such as a hurricane?

Amerie: Correct.

At this point, I started to question how authentic her interview would be.

Us: Moving on… I've interviewed several people and they've all informed me about Beyoncé's Legion of Doom. Do you know anything about them?

Amerie: Do I? It's cause of them my career has been through hell and back. I'm still lucky to have my legs.

Us: What can you tell us about the Legion of Doom?

Amerie: Stay the hell outta they way.

Us: Feel free to elaborate.

Amerie: Solagne: ghetto.

Us: Elaborate.

Amerie: Solange. Ghetto as a group of project kids using a beat-up mattress for a trampoline.

Us: And?

Amerie Kizzy? Ignorant. She just can't see that Matthew is her daddy.

Us: Um…

Amerie: I mean follow me on this one. If you take a picture and line up Kelly's nose with Matthew's nose, throw in the skin tone and the take of Matthew's fake mustache they look just alike.

Us: Can we get back on topic?

Amerie: Sure… But now that we speak of Matthew there was this one time…

Us: He was in the club with a lemon-lime suit on with coat tails and a silver cane looking a hot ass mess and he stepped to you with a story about arguing with his wife. He wanted to make her jealous by taking you back to the motel room with him and as a favor he'd make sure your career was successful.

Amerie: Nah, what the fluck is you talmbout?

Us: Just asking.

Amerie: But there was this one time at the BET Awards in 2006.

[TO BE CONTINUED]

A while back I came across this tee shirt over at [DRANNEK].