Was this supposed to be funny, because all I did was laugh? This is why I hate hardcore Nicki Minaj fans. If you haven't pressed play, you should really peel yourself away from deciphering Tiger Woods's press conference speech and press play. Press play and you'll find out why I hate my generation. Niggas and bitches vapid like this. Nukkabitches, too. Shit like this is why women weren't allowed to speak in public until 1918. If only she had a father. I refuse to believe she has a father figure. Father figures teach you not to pause mid sentence and cheat out to the camera. What the fuck was she looking at off the side at the 1:32 mark? What was she tryna teach? Who was she tryna teach? No thanks, either way.
AND THEN SHE STARTED RAPPING AND I WANTED TO BE ONE LESS ALL OVER AGAIN!
I hate Big Lil' Kimbo Slice for sending me this. Follow her at @BIGLILKIM.
I'm very upset at the fact that this nigga mumbetalks like an Alicia Keys performance. Momma, why were you so hard up in rebelling? You didn't have to fuck this nigga? This can't be. This Yungsosodef nigga can't be my descendant.
Y'all gone have to forgive me, because I just found out George Carlin has been dead since 2008 and I thought he was still running round the globe, chilling and shit. I feel very late so...
KERRVILLE, Texas (AP) - Prosecutors will review the case of a woman authorities claim has called 911 30 times over six months for non-emergency reasons, including a call to complain that her husband refused to eat his dinner.
...Police were dispatched to the residence and officer Paul Gonzales said police were told by her that "her husband did not want to eat his supper." A police report said the 53-year-old woman was also yelling "about things that happened two weeks ago."
The woman now faces charges of 911 abuse. [SOURCE]
I feel like this was an episode of Mama's Family. I only think the cops give a fuck now, because Xmas is around the corner and they didn't want her calling because nobody wanted her fruitcake. In her defense, recession. Waste. Food. Get. Shot.
Get into this GloWorm going hard. His tuna on fire and his shit don't stank! The water bottle part? I can't hate. I sweated just watching him sweat. I was waiting for a Leyomi drop so I could see if my ground shook like his would have in the vid, too but... wish in one hand, shit in the other. Which fills first?
Jori sends me shit like this all the time. Yet, I still reply to her tweets like she's a real friend. I hate you a little more each day, Jori.
Evening, readership. You may be familiar with my live coverage of Coonfest 2K9 last year. I came, I saw, I clowned. But this year, I won't be covering it here on LCPC. I'm taking it to Twitter. You know good and damn well I talk enough shit about people already. I need to shorten my shit talking to 140 characters.
Strip clubs are a place for women. Construction sites are usually prone to be male dominated territory. Which place was Ciara more in her comfort zone? Here or THERE? I'll let you be the judge of that and I won't say nothing bad. Matter fact, I'll be even nicer and give you a little known tidbit about lil' ol' Cici. Fact: Ciara received a diploma from the Riverdale School of Performing Arts for Boys. Indulge.
I know rape when I see it. If you ever going to the islands, get you some "fat man just landed on me insurance". Get yo' shit together because you may never ever walk again after hitting up one of these clubs. No Limit Tuesdays is Not Safe For Life. This shit right here... [DURTY MO] is responsible for this wackiness!
I understand that you hungry and all that jazz, but my peoples... Wal-Mart never runs out of food. Stop being so damn greedy and lazy and care yo' ass to the grocery store and find some chicken to fry YO DAMN SELF!? You feel me? No? Well, maybe I'm not clear 'nuff.
POPEYE'S IS NOT OBLIGATED TO FEED YOUR FAMILY*, HO! THIS AIN'T ABOUT YOUR FAMILY! THIS AIN'T ABOUT YOUR FAMILY HO!
Talmbout Popeye's don't wanna make no money? Bye, Felicia. They made enough, they obviously sold out. Sure the price was ridiculously low. Sure. Why not go get you and "your family" [I see you big guy at 0:50] a nice box to bring home? Would these people rather Popeye's stay open, so they can walk in and Keishanana at the front counter tell them they ran outta chicken? They'd be ready to pull KeKe smooth across the counter.
For those who have been paying any attention, congratulations. GOLD STAR FOR YOU! For those who haven't... see THIS post.
I ain't tryna get involved with this Soulja Boy vs Ice-T mess. There are more pressing topics at hand. For instance, is Llama the reincarantion of Moses or is she the original? Something to think about.
WHYCOME!?!?! I know I'm still a pubescent but I know times ain't that hard. If anybody get this heffa to call me... I'm a tell it like this. She better get accustomed to listening to the dial tone because the only thing she gone hear me say is "Who dis is?" and "Stop calling my gawddamn phone". I don't know what to say... but if it pays your bills and makes you eligible to file for income tax... then do what you do.
I need to put Kizzy or Millie up on game.
Feeling down? Life beating your ass? Sink full of dishes but you ran outta dish washing liquid and you ain't got gas money to go to the grocery store to restock? Millie, may save your life:
"Good evening... Josephine Johnnie Mae Gilbert... this is Michelle Williams of Destiny Childs, the trio not the original lineup, and I'm just calling to say STOP COMPLAINING. You ain't gotta brush wigs for a living. Walk a mile in my mules and then you won't be so quick to act a fool about some dammn Palmolive.
That's hot right?
Well picture this: You at the club and you dancing on this dude and his chick, who look like Jamie Foxx as Wanda, walks up on you ret t'fight. OR you at the club and you're mayonnaise donater won't stop hitting up your Baby Jamz RAZR?
Kizzy can help you:
"Hi... This is Kelendria Rowland, of Matthew Knowles's lovechild fame, and I'm calling for Kanithanya. Hi, Kanithanya... I was asked by Derontion to call you and help you out. Bit of advice... Ladies. Drama. Leave it. Home!"
Sure, Kanithanya may have hung up before Kizzy got the chance to utter Papa Matty's name but we some Knowles's and we know how to franchise so we'll work out all the kinks before we launch this program.
Sometimes, I spend too much time with LUENELL AND LANDON BROWNdown at the Playa's Club and I miss Sunday service... Being that devout Christian I am and being that I would never touch heathen shit like voodoo or weapons, I keeps my God in my recent calls list. So when I can't walk that walk of shame into the church wearing last night's Creative Recs ANDplush Dereon wife beater and overshirt, I watch me some Pastory Kerney and 'nem until the devil is washed outta me. Real pimps pray. Who knows what'll happen if you smite God. And I ain't tryna wake up one day and be in Kizzy's shoes or nothing... God forbid.
My cyber-homie SCOOP texted me talmbout some "Latarian Milton Big Ton was seen HOO-RIDING with Bobby Brown."
I couldn't believe it.
In the words of my Granny:
"Hell the fuck nah! Ain't that 'bout a bitch and then some!"
All I gotta say to Big Ton is we ain't friends no mo'. You seemed cool at first, y'know... 'cause you was into grand theft auto (I'm not talking 'bout the game) and granny-beating... But banging with Bobby? You must be constipated and want him to pull some dookie-logs up out ya.
I don't care. Whatever the case is... you can't roll with me no more homie. I can't have Zahara in that kind of environment.
I gotta stop and rant real quick. I be on my thug-nizzle. Don't be hurting nobody (sometimes). But I only hurt people that hurt me first. Old lady from down the street sprayed me with her water hose because I kicked her mutt the other day. Mutt shouldn'ta shitted on my G-Nikes. So I got my homeboy to ride on that pissy pooch.
Police say a 7-year-old South Florida boy faces grand theft auto charges after taking his grandmother's Dodge Durango for a joyride.
The eight minute trek left a swath of damage in his Palm Beach Gardens neighborhood Friday. The boy smashed mailboxes, hit parked cars and signposts. He was unhurt.
Police say he literally drove until a wheel fell off. The right front wheel, to be exact, which broke off after the boy hit a sign. The boy's mother says he apparently grabbed the keys to his grandmother's sport utility vehicle, backed it out of her driveway and took off.
Mayne, I said go straight down the block, run over the old lady's dog and smash on the gas 'fore the coppers come. What the fuck you smashing mailboxes and shit fo'?
That muhfucker couldn't drive for shit... If I woulda waved a Lil' Debbie Cosmic Brownie and a Strawberry Faygo in his face I bet he would've did it right. He drove like a salad bar was chasing him. When we scraped into the Geo Metro I was like, "Whoa... chill out dude." But when he was finna ram into the Hummer I jumped out the window. Last time I get him to do hoodrat shit for me.
I guess what they say is true. Want something done right? Do it yourself. If I commend him for anything, it's for adding a whole new meaning to "rock this motherfucker 'til the wheels fall off"
I'm sorry, 5Ton4Head, but "Take A Bow" has already been done. It's called "Irreplaceable". To the left... and take your umbrella fighting stans with you... because if any of 'em show up in my comment section... I'ma "take a bow" with my foot in yo' ass.
How ya like them apples?
This shit was incredibly boring... I was hoping you'd put Pretty Chrissy in this clip. It woulda been exciting to see you run him over in the luxury convertible. I guess what my granny says is true.
"You can wish in one hand and shit in the other... see which one fills first."
There are like a million-ga-jillion-ba-billion people who be all on my case because I diss my momma musical endeavors. But I know I'm not the only one mad at her for this one. OutKast, Erykah Badu, Diana Ross and Kim Ho from The Weave Shop gots to be a little peturbed about this shit right here. Even MS FRIZZLE from The Magic School Bus is heated 'cause Momma is jacking her eyeglasses game.
I'll never be able to show my face at the playground again.
I just got one question? Why does CNN give a fuck?
This blog is satirical, or at least it tries to be. Using a fictional PERSONA we clown and wild out and pause and no homo and all that good shit. Even though it may seem like otherwise, I am not the real Julez. This is the part of the show where I tell you that this blog is not affiliated with the Knowles. Not Solange. Not Mathew. Not Julez. Not Beyonce. Not Tina. Maybe Kelly. No, just kidding. She's busy. Read that again with a straight face. So if you were wondering, it's not a Knowles affiliated site. And if Solange is reading this, sawwy! Like your hair.
