Wayne should do the time to justify the crime [I see you, Jessie Jackson's rhyming dictionary], but Rikers? I don't know much about NYC other than my auntie herds camels there, but isn't Rikers like the top flight security prison? Or is it just depicted that way in art and film? I'm confused. Where my Daddy at? He could 'splain this. Wayne may not be one, but I still think he went down swinging like a real Creole. I don't know why but I always think of what's gonna happen to somebody on the inside. Will they run the jail or will they run from everybody in the jail. T.I. said when he was locked up he got much respect because he was a top flight security rapper, but will Wayne? Those pics of him kissing Baby may put some thoughts in Negroes' heads. I said Negro because it's Black History Month.

I don't hate Taylor Swift. I hate the Kanye backlash. By now you know the story of when Yeezy got drunk. I feel like Kanye woulda spoke his mind about Taylor regardless if he wasn't ON THAT LIQUOR BITCH*. He may have said it later or in a less insulting way, but it's Kanye so the last thing he woulda been worried 'bout was insulting somebody.

I wanna say my take on The Great Taylor Swift Debacle of 09/10. First and foremost, calm it down just a tad to the people who hate her with all they life. In probably two years, she might Britney it or even worse... she might just not matter. Pop is a heartless game. Your talent is easily replaceable, because the next mofo can come in and seem reinvigorating to the masses leaving you looking like old pussy. It happened with Beyonce and Rihanna. Beyonce managed to weather the storm. It happened with Ciara and Keri Hilson. Write a few songs, sound good on a track and dance a little and BAM! Thin voices rejoice. It happens in this business. But that's neither *Eric Cartman voice* hwuh nor nwuh.

Understand, Taylor was selling albums like crack. Wanna know why? I just explained it to you in the paragraph above. Plus you motherfuckers buy anything! That's why Sean Kingston can keep his breasts sitting perky and this Jay Sean shit was ruling iTunes at one point. I'd say what the fuck about that, but this isn't about him. This is about why I can't jiggy with this Fearless shit. It's not my steeze. I don't jig to them chords. My mama don't let me listen to that kinda music on Sundays. But I digress. Taylor was selling the records. Yitty dee! We just didn't know how big she was [I was aware that she existed before the VMAs] until Kayne snatched that dick out her hand.

Here's why I don't dig Taylor as a person and it's not even a personal thing. It's more of a business thing. I understand how the behind the scenes people do shit. Once the media was slapping him on the wrist her people screamed "EUREKA!" All we got to do is answer the Kanye questions with dignity and couth then use that publicity to continue to expand our empire. It was the common sense, no duh approach. Frankly, if that was the case, then her people were just doing their jobs. I applaud this business savvy, because I know Pop Pops woulda been like "PLAY VICTIM! SAY HE GROPED YOU BACKSTAGED, TOO!" Oh, the irony since Pops gropes every other la... Never mind.

The reason why this turns me off when it comes to Taylor is the shadiness of it**. Kayne owns about most rappers in his field, 17% of musicians in other genres and aspiring reality star fetuses. Him getting snubbed and blackballed pisses me off! I misdirect that anger at Taylor, because I don't think he should suffer. He spoke his mind at the wrong time in a disrespectful manner. I could say that it's easy for Hollywood to dump him since he's Black but I haven't played the race card since I bitched about Lucy Lui not being asked to scat on the new "We Are The World" via Twitter. I just keep digressing! I'll never make my point. Pimpcrest out.

*If you haven't already, click that link. I'm on that liquor bitch, I'm 'bout to whoop a bitch. It's a must-have for your jig-worthy collection.
**To be fair, a lot of people hate Beyonce for this same reason. And they can all just suck a knife until it ejaculates.

Not sure about this one, because I didn't get a full's nights rest so I'm seeing and half-seeing everything today but... Teddy Riley, a prominent face in R&B, new jack swing and magic gapped teeth, has been ordered to stay 100 yards away from his daughter Taja. Apparently, some shit happened, somebody got outta pocket, push came to shove and he... well...

Teddy abused her and her older sister by "stomping, punching and bashing them" in his L.A. home on December 23. According to the documents, filed in L.A. County Superior Court, Taja claims at one point Teddy, "lifted a Rock Band guitar and threatened to kill person(s) w/ it."

Doesn't happen in my house. We go down swinging like real Creoles. Not that this is a laughing matter or nothing. I'm just saying... If my Momma come at me about talking slick about her on Formspring, she ain't gotta hit me with a Wii Balance Board... Yo', this was two days before Christmas so was the Rock Band guitar a present and he... Never mind.

But that's not the point of this post. This post is a celebration of progress because there was a time before Twitter where people could look past a pointless, stupid joke where somebody was "pimping her son" because "pimping runs in the family". And I KNOW that's true because "I knew proper capitalization and punctuation at the age of 3." Not sure what I'm talking about?

 CLICK THE PIC. Good times. Glad that's all "behind" me, though.

Black people, what the fuck gives? I was "enjoying all the drama" my Hadley street-esque life has to offer so I missed out on a multitude of niggardly things that happened in the past days. I wasn't there when Serena was about to turn that Asian lineperson into lo mein. I wasn't there as Kayne snatched that dick away from Taylor Swift and handed it to Tee-Tee. I wasn't there when Obama called him out his name for it. I wasn't there when Llama the Moses repped her set. I was there when Sheneneh caught that snowball to the face though.

[CLICK FOR MORE]

He told y'all that if you gave him a lil' space that he'd really lose his mind? Don't believe me?



4:00 mark.

Y'all ain't ready.

Mariah... Nick... I'm laughing at you. Hard!

I did a spit take and everything.


Two CDs in one slot, drew the line. I was just so outta body experience for no fucking reason at two CDs in one slot. Damn, MiMi... What kinda butterfly is you? Cut the check. I'm packing my bags and moving to Alaska to occupy Palin's chair. Until further notice.

Eminem has slaughtered and shitted on you hoes. The thing is... Nick Cannon is sooooooo wack as a rapper, there's no way in cybernetic hell he could go harder than Slim Shady just went. See, Nick grew up with a stage mom, I'm sure... How else did he land that All That gig. Y'all remember him as LaTanya and Keenan Thompson as LaNeesha. Y'all know y'all remember, "I know you didn't. I think he did" LaTanya and LaNeesha. Or is that just me? My point is... Eminem was reared with all that hate and pent up anger and that coupled with Mariah denying and shit just fuels him to cut up on a diss track.  Mariah has fucked up. I repeat. MARIAH HAS FUCKED UP!

Clearly, she done messed with the wrong non-nigga. My thing is this... Why is she denying being with Em? What's that gonna do to her career? Who is Nick s'posed to be for her to deny? Eminem is waaaaay more famous than Nick? Is that supposed to fuck with his ego or something? Only reason white people know Nick [or the reason he's getting work nowadays] is because he's married to Moo Moo. So if that's the case, then yeah... It must fuck up his ego somethin' serious.

Readers looka here.

Every now and again, I gotta come back and remind a few peoples that this is not real. Reality doesn't start nor end on this blog. There may be photographical "proof" that a toddler is being mascoted around to be a "pimp", but I use Photoshop. And since Photoshop's inception, you can't believe no pictures you see on the Inanets.  There may be typographical "proof" stating such foolishness as kids cursing and fighting and shanking and refusing to put a ring on it, because he gon' be a playa for life. Again... Since the inception of the black celebrity humor blog, you can't take everything you read for face value. Not everything has a secret meaning, hidden messages and eleven herbs and spices. Some SHIT is just there to be there. And even though, there's no videographical evidence that I participate, infiltrate, and initiate in stupid, coonishness, ever since those cops got off for beating Rodney King's ass... I guess you really can't believe videos no more either.

I digress.

Either way, fuck the vast majority! I'ma keep on keeping on and rock this motor scooter 'til the wheels fall smoove off. Until I receive the ceast and be deceased from The Mustache Man, I'ma stick around like roaches. And when they tell me to stop, they better kill me. They better buss up in this motherfucker and send me to the Upper Room! Let 'em shoot me. I don't give a fuck. They'll take me out singing that motherfucker!

When Jeeee-heeeeeeeee-zeeeeeeeez...

Before you start to run your mouth and assume, making you and yours look dumb, it wasn't my fault. Me and my momma and LudaWeezyWhiteMan or whoever she bringing "home" tonight, got kicked out of our place. They just kicked us out. Didn't tell us shit! I'm lying... Hold up... Let me correct that. They did tell us not to go around starting no more parking lot fights and to stop throwing bricks through folks' windshields, but they ain't never gave us one good reason to not do it.

I ain't one to name names (Thou shall not snitch), so if I'ma tell you the story, I'ma keep the innocent anonymous. I don't put folks business in the street, unlike you.. Sandra Troll Face Rose.

It started a while ago... Few months back... This old, Agatha Christie, old ass lady who thought she knew every fucking thing before it even fucking happened, got into it with my momma. She told my momma to stop parking in her spot or she was gonna leak some EXCLUSIVE info 'bout every dick my momma didn't turn down to every tabloid depserate for a cover story.

We busted her shit. Plain and simple. 532 years old or not. We busted her shit.

Then a lil' while after that, my caretaker/mother/weed gardener, got into it with this neighbor we got. You ever seen them plants with the really, really sharp "leaves" that prick you when you touch them? Her hair looked like a bushel of those plants. She just had this itchy ass looking scalp, with this sharp, spritzed up hair. This razor head lady came and shook me because I pushed her child for stepping on my Ed Hardy sneakers. Oh motherfucking well... Tell that ho to man up and grow some. Get some dexterity or something. She got a lil' too loud with my momma and couldn't control her vocal volumes.

We busted her shit.

This one dude... Mayne, you ever see somebody and you don't even gotta hear 'em talk or laugh or even much breathe and just know they like to... Mayne, I ain't gon' even do homie like that. He know what the the business be.

YOU COULDN'T PAY ME TO FIGHT HIM! I don't slapbox.

So all this happened and happened and happened. And ain't nothing wrong. It's all good and then BAM! This off-kilt quick weave wearing "motorscooter" (property of CELESTINE A. FIERCE) told my momma, she wasn't raising me right. I ain't had no hometraining. I'm too young to thug it like that. I ain't gone live to see kindergarten. I'ma fuck around and get touched by Michael Jackson or R.Kelly if he get desperate enough. Just bad mouthing me... You know my momma don't play that shit. They still looking for that fast ass, corny ass, no good ass, country ass, drawstring ponytail wearing ass, fighting in the McDonald's porking lot over some houseshoes ass, Nordic loving ass motherfucker who been using my likeness to crack stupid lil' jokes on the Internet or some shit.

SOME PEOPLE!

My momma was heated.

My momma, Kelly, Michelle, Nivea, Nicole Wray, LisaRaye, Ray-Ray (the girl), Ray-Ray (the boy that act like a girl) and my uncle Cuttino busted her bad.

She went to the hospital and everything. ICU. Bandages. Stitches and shit. She really got fucked up. Her family didn't even recognize her... She looked worse than she did before she got her shit busted and that's a hard feat to accomplish. We talking about a REALLY UGLY BITCH here.

Big Lip Ricky Ricky Rickay, our landlord, just changed our locks on us and shit. Barred the windows. Didn't even tell us shit. Just locked us out. Left a note on the door saying we ain't welcome to live there no more.

Our shit is still in there everything. Everything that made us who we are. I left the Wig Crypt employment application forms in there. My momma left the gud in there. Kizzy lost her career in there and was this close (||) to finding it. Now it's over.

We ain't got no where else to go.

Can you help us?