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Showing posts with label Random Rants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Random Rants. Show all posts

Random Rant

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags: ,

Just an observation really...

Can we ponder on the fact that 50 Cent looks like... well, I think, Abra, Kadabra, and Alakazam. Drawing blanks?


No? Not really?
Still don't see it?
How bout now?

It's just me, right? He really doesn't look like a Pokemon, right?


1 comments

Stop Acting Like Beyoncé Stole Your Man And Your Biscuit

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags: , ,


There's been alotta tough talk and shade thrown about this Window Seat video. I didn't see Beyonce or Lady Gaga in this video not nahn second of it. Why y'all keep bringing they name up then? I swear I've seen the phrases "Window Seat" + "Beyonce" + "Gaga" in the same sentences since this shit dropped. Bee. Aye. Dee. You. That's how you spell Badu. Obviously y'all thought it was spelled B-E-Y-O-N-C-E-ampersand-L-A-D-Y-SPACEBAR-G-A-G-A, 'cause all I see in this tower of greed is Beyonce & Gaga and Window Seat this and that.

These instances where this has happened are all comparisons where people down the hype around the Telephone video in favor of any another video. Not saying Telephone was the Holy Grail. Not knocking Erykah's vid at all. It would be fair though since all y'all do is knock the shit I happen to favor and I'm not even big on Gaga. I don't know shit 'bout her or her music, so miss me with that argument.

Y'all wanna say shit like "Window Seat puts "insert Beyonce, Lady Gaga or a Beyonce & Lady Gaga video here" to shame." Why? I don't know. I feel like it's just bias, because Erykah is so real. Erykah keep it funky. Erykah is not a bad influence on today's youth. Erykah is a sister! Erykah ain't fake.

How y'all felt when you found out Bag Lady's dreads were just a wig?

Pick up your face. I wanna see the expression on it for this next segment. I just wanna point out a hypothetical outrage surrounding this Window Seat video if it were by Beyonce so here goes nothing.

If Beyonce Would Have Done the "Window Seat" video.

1. "Inspired by Matt & Kim"

"Kim must be Mathew's next baby mama."

"Kim is Kelly's momma, The Real Housewife of Hadley. "

2. Pulling up in the classic car.

"She can't even afford some new shit."

"She need to give Jay-Z his car back. Broke bitch."

"I'm surprised the bitch can park."

"Why she ain't got no rims? Bitch know she can afford some rims."

3. "A Story by Beyonce Knowles"

"Why her last name ain't Carter? Fake ass marriage."

"She don't acknowledge her marriage with Jay-Z because she don't love him. Sad. Poor Jigga."

"Story? Who is this bitch? Mother Goose!?"

4. Stray observations from the 35 second mark until.

"Why this bitch got on a trenchcoat? Winter over, ho?"

"She look like a hobo."

"Where her wig at? She need to keep that shit on at all times."

"Don't leave that jacket there. Solange need those hand me downs."

"She done took her shoes off and threw 'em. What if she woulda hit that white lady in red?! Irresponsible bitch!"

5. Stray observations from the 2 minute mark until.

"She look terrible without makeup. She is influencing the young girls to walk around looking like that!?"

"She took her damn shirt off in front of the kids!? WHORE!"

"Tina didn't raise her right."

"Took her pants off. Somebody go pick up her butt pads!"

6. Stray observations from the 4:30 mark until.

"This bitch is streaking! She should be arrested!

"Ha! Somebody shot her ass!"

"Keri Hilson did it!"

"She reading this script sounding like a 3 year old."

"She cannot act. She obviously isn't dead."

"You see how she fell? So fake."

"YOU TUSCHED MY CHILE!?!"

"There wasn't a single airplane in this. Why it's called Window seat?"

"There go the wig. I knew there was a wig coming. Superfreak!"

"None of this made sense. Just like her."

"Dumb ass video. Dumb ass Beyonce. Dumb ass."

--

--

--

Music snobs: Erykah is asking for a window seat, but there aren't any passenger on Camel Shepherd's plane.

Post title brought to you by @YOUNGSINICK


3 comments

Random Rant: 2010 Conduct

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags: ,

Last year was... Bruh. I don't think I have to go over the craziness this year gave us.

If it wasn't for Lockup marathons, I wouldn't even bother getting outta bed. That's fucked up, yo. Me? The Duke of Dance, Prince of Party, heir to the Kreole Dynasty not wanting to get up and log on and steeze and walk the streets of Hadley and steeze or bust up in the day care and STEEZE!? I blame y'all.

All of y'all. Bloggers. Non-bloggers. Pseudo-celebs. Celeb-celebs. Formspring. All of' y'all. I feel like this random rant is only proper because you niggas and bitches and nukkabitches need guidelines to live by in this post-Y2K world.

1. For starters, if you personally know a celebrity [hoping you're not whoring for it yourself] tell them to STOP WITH THE BULLSHIT. You wanna know what made celebrities so... great? The mystery. Prior to today's media obsessed world filled with stalkerazzi and Twitter rants, we didn't know show about celebs if they or their people didn't tell it. You never watched Living Single, back in the day, and said "I can't stand Kyle because T.C. Carson is so gay. I can't get over that video of him voguing at the club I saw on YouTube." Of course, you didn't. We didn't know shit besides what we speculated, so what was... simply was what we got. What we got was what we saw. With any kinda entertainment, not just TV. Music. Fashion. Movies. All that.

Nowadays? It's like the more I know about these attention whore celebs the less I like them. The days before stannery, celebs were idols not in the sense that we looked up to them, but in the sense they were semi-perfect and did a damn good job in entertaining us. Today, celebs do more entertaining behind the scenes (unintentionally, but I could be wrong) as opposed to their um... day jobs. So how 'bout this? The celebs with potential go get some business that's not calling paparazzi for flicks, sending bloggers press releases and tweeting their cringe-worthy mundaneness. Creole! When ya lowkey real good.

2. If you wanna stand out in life, BE NORMAL. There are some people who are truly different. From the roota to the toota, they are strange on accident and don't care. They barely acknowledge it and it wouldn't ever get acknowledged if WE didn't bring it up. Most people though? Nope. They see a trend and try to set it but too late. Their quest to be different is everybody else's quest, too. In the end no one's really different. Everybody blends and the only ones that stand out are the ones frown up you and your highlighter hues and your Blade fade with the sew-in bang and the skinny jeans and your bumblebee eyelid locs. Tryna be Confucius and Solange and get a reality show and all that at the same time? You're thirtsty and by the time you get your shot, I hope you drown.

3. I don't know why but EVERYBODY WANTS CELEBREALITY these days. Regular folks with regular folk skills should have regular jobs. You aren't a rapper. You just see Lil' Wayne and 'nem doing it. You cannot act. You just wanna be on TV. You not important nor are you interesting. You don't deserve a reality show. How come nobody wants to be a doctor or a lawyer or a crocodile hunter anymore?

That's all I ask for in 2010. Less Ochocinco, more Johnson. Less Barbie, more accent. That's it.

: )


5 comments

Random Rant

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags: ,



I don't think you understand what's going on in this clip here. Homie humped an Xbox 360. Homie humped an Xbox 360. I don't play parent to anybody,besides my own with her bald-headed/different steelo ham burning ass, but these parents... I got a bone to pick with these parents. Junior shoulda got a Wii on the grounds that he'd have to get up and be somewhat active to play it. Judging by that B-cup chest, I don't think he sees too much physical activity.

Just saying.


0 comments

Questionnaire

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags:





The Wig Crypt still hasn't found a single person to permanently fill Kizzy's void as co-managerial custodial spokeswoman and none of you nukkabitches filled out the job application. Unemployed? There's an APP for that.

1) What they call you in the streets? What would they call you on a VH1 show?




2) Are you here?

3) Are you there?

4) Are you Wal-Mart down the street from Planned Parenthood?

5) That's getting old right?

6) What does Sabor de Soledad taste like?

7) You don't know what I mean do you? Just draw a diagram.

8) Which team? Chris or Rihanna? Before you answer, I'd like to introduce you to my friend...

Photobucket

9) Do you know where I can find Felicia? She borrowed my DVD player and I just got Season 2 of "Go! Diego! Go!" and I wanna get into that fuckery real bad!

10) What kinda undiscovered beauty do you posses inside?

11) Are you tryna get verfied?

12) You'll be verified, as soon as I'm verified.

13) AZ Lyrics is on the phone. They want you to stop posting incorrect spellings on their site. Would you like to speak with them or shall I take a message?

14) Are you kin to a famous rapper? As of late, not like Kriss Kross famous. I mean like right now famous.

15) Is Lori Beth Denberg alive or what? I heard she was stabbed to deceasedment and I feel like the world went 'nanners after she left the chair on "Vital Information: For Your Everyday Life". While she was there, the young'ns had some fucking sense.


If you not halfway comatose, I am. B.S.

16) Also, after All That was "de-urbanized" did it not suck or what?

17) I want some animal crackers in the worst way. If I sent you to the store to fetch me something besides animal crackers what would you bring me?

18) If Kizzy came back and wanted her old job, how fast could you empty your desk and be pulling out of the House of Dereon Media Centre's parking lot?

19) If not Fresh, then who?

20) Caldonia? Define it.

21) Is it easy to love me now? Would you love me if I was down and out?


0 comments

Message From The Management

The Management Filed Under: Tags: ,




Readers, looka here.

Every now and again, we have to read. Read THIS. I'm serious. Read it. I will post the link two more times in hopes that you read it.

Read THIS.

Read THIS.


My client wants you to read it as well and he's only gonna ask once.






Hopefully, you've read it. Please tell me [in the comments] you weren't intimidated by length of the letter and immediately gave up the ghost. If so, I hate you. No really, I do. As a "writer", I know reading is fundamental. Before you talk shit, you must know what you talking shit about. Before I fix my mouth to diss a politician, rapper, singer, the person next door, I make sure I know what I'm saying and I can stand behind what I'm saying. Seldom I ever actually want to eat my words, because I wasn't well informed, but that's neither here nor there nor Planned Parenthood down the street yonder there somewhere.

What I'm saying isn't to get you to, y'know, read... even though you should. Reading isn't the point. The point(s) is [if this is in fact a real letter (where yo' source at, bruh!?)] Miss Patrick is so right. BET is a jet crashing, train wrecking mess of the minute. It's hard to not watch. Most of the programming on BET, 106 & Park for instance, I don't ever watch. The fuckery-filled reality shows? I'll plead the fifth. No, I won't. I watch it, dammit! And what!? I can't lie. It's entertaining. I know it's like the pork of TV to hypertension patients [no pun intended, Tiny]. It's bad for us. Point blank period. But I love pork chops, y'all.

I digressed again. If I never get my point across in this segment of The Lil' Creole Pimp Show, then I will hate myself. Still, I'll try.

BET, as well as other networks, is feeding us garbage. More mature viewers, who watch and can decipher what's what, it barely harms them. They may walk away from the experience with a funny new quote that'll become an inside-joke between friends. Our younger audience won't though. They'll walk away with a new attitude, often misconstruing what "message" was really being told. Young girls watched Tiny & Toya and didn't see Tameka and Antonia Johnson-Carter-who-the-hell-ever trying to get their own instead of relying on their rich, rap star providers. All they saw were the rich, rap star providers, wondering "How can I get me one?" and those niggas wasn't even in a single episode. Fellas watch 106 & Park and ONLY see rich, rap stars talking shit about shit that ain't really shit even though I morning jig to the same shit. Fellas aspire to be rappers instead of doctor-engineer-crocodile-hunters. Rap. A very unstable career. Rap. Why you wanna go and Flo-Rida!? I never understood that. To each his own.

I don't watch The Mo'Nique Show aside from the first few episodes [I was testing the waters, don't judge me], but I sense she means well. She won't teach many viewers anything other then scream, kick, punch, chop, block or basically PARAPPA THE RAPPER.





Yep. It's that kinda party. I don't know what Monica's show is going to do. I don't know what the show's premise is. I'm not sure what Monica is "still standing" from. So I can't comment on that. But I will say this. That one show. No obvious cooning. And my attention wasn't captivated. That says alot about the kinda person I am or what kinda shows I like. Or maybe, I just don't find Monica interesting.


Bascially, Miss Patrick's letter was telling BET to step it up because it was sending all the wrong messages to the young'uns. I applaud that on every level there is. It's not just the lyrics the rappers put out. The images. None of that. If BET is gonna show the bad, can't they squeeze in a taste of the good? For instance, you wanna keep playing the same six episodes of The Game? Pepper in some of Girlfriends, when it was good, too. God knows I'm sick of The Game. Keep Everybody Hates Chris in heavy rotation though.


Take away my Everybody Hates Chris, then I'll be writing letters.


4 comments

Message From The Management

The Management Filed Under: Tags: ,

Readers, looka here...


Every now and again, we sit back and laugh at people who give themselves too much credit. Singers who can't sing for instance. Songwriters who fly above all the drama, for instance. Select audience members of Wendy Williams's Hasbeen Emporium who show up only to further their career during "Ask Wendy" or "Hot Mess Topics". And last but not least, bloggers who made a lil' money and now they smelling they own piss.

Around here in the Wig Crypt, we have a lil' sayin' about situations like this. "You done got put on and got Creole!" It means, you got a lil' shine, a lil' bank account, a lil' gap in yo' mouth closed, a new wig and now you all beside yourself and Jesus can't even tell you shit. On Hadley, we like to slap the truth into people. The truth in question? Yo' lil' AdSense dollars don't impress me.

My lil' AdSense dollars will be coming soon and I'ma be paying both of my two bills smoove off, if everything goes to plan. But that's neither here nor there nor across the street. [© MY HOMIE TRE]

This is to all bloggers who have showed out a little too much lately.




I can only say so much about bloggers who show up and start showing out like they doing something. So you turned the sidewalk into the catwalk. So what? So you got Solange's number in yo' Motorola sliding phone? So what? So you can buy the new red bottoms for your Aunt Gladys and her life partner Meeka? So what? Bitch, you a still blogger. That's not directed at nobody in specific... but this next paragraph is.

Sandra Rose, grow the fuck up. They gave you a lil' computer time at the retirement home and you don't know how to act, do you? You too old to be beefing, period. You too old to be on the Internet, period. You too ugly to be putting your pictures out there, period. You need to tell Tiny to tell Toya to tell James Hardy he too damn tall to run so fucking slow, IMHO. And tell Toya, next time I'm getting my teeth bleached and I pass by her in the lobby... I don't care if she DID just get her braces tightened, she can fucking say hey or something. She can speak.

But I digress.

Anyway. As the swag effervescent Kid Fury of SO FURIOUS DOT COM once said [last night on TWITTER], Blogger does not equal celebrity. I'm looking forward to the corresponding Fury TV PSA.

I'm looking real hard at you right now. You know who you is. No hate. I ain't mad atcha. But I'm looking REAL hard. This concludes this random rant, cause I know you want me to shut up.... so I'ma shut up.... but when you leave... I'ma start back talking again.


0 comments

Creole Fatal Attraction

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags: , , ,


I wanted to round my day care friends and go see a matinee screening of the biggest blockbuster smash performance by a female lead since Kelly Rowland's portrayl of Kia in Freddy vs Jason. Disappointingly so, no go... Every screening in the tri-state area will be sold out further notice. I know I we all can do better things with my time like:

1. Learn how to recycle and go green.
2. Catch up on my Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
3. Audition for The Real World Saskatchewan
4. Wig crypt duty... I have SERIOUS competition.
5. Teach Tee-Tee her ABCs and enunciation.
6. Stop STEALING.

Eh... Until further notice. I'm on ticket duty. Besides, I promised Zahara I'd let her see "That black lady whoop that nasty, white hoe's ass".

Black women...


0 comments

Message From The Management

The Management Filed Under: Tags: , , , , ,

Dear Readers of Crunk & Disorderly,

I know that being somewhat anti-social and going against the grain is cool and what's popping in the streets. I know you like to dislike what the vast majority likes and if anything is labeled "The Shit" in any way, shape, or form you hate it.

You bash it.

You hurt its feelings.

You talk about its mother.

You clown it.

You dog it.

You have a field day with it.

That's all good and junk, but do me a favor, won't you? STOP BRINGING BEYONCE'S NAME UP EVERY 30 - 55 SECONDS IN THE DAMN COMMENT BOX!!! Yes, I lurk there when I'm bored and there's no food in the fridge and shit. Yes, I get tired of hearing Beyonce news and seeing her name everywhere. Yes, the stans piss me off, too.

WHY DO YOU THINK ME AND MY HOMIES VOLUNTARILY GOT BANNED FROM BEYONCEWORLD?

If you don't like her, why is she always so damn relevant? If you don't like her, why is she your opening joke in a new post's comment box? EVEN WHEN THE POST HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER!?!? If you don't like her, why are you putting a ring on it? You understood that failed joke, didn't you? Why? Because you've been busy giving Beyonce all of your precious attention, but then again --- your attention is too good for Beyonce. You already mad,  you gotta breathe the same air she does, so when somebody [who admittedly doesn't like her] reminds me of her existence, I wonder. I don't get it. Not one bit.

I know it's what's popping in the street to talk about her breath, questionable taste, vapid mind, blank stare, wig collection and all that jazz, but come the fuck on... do you really not like her? You've studied her bounce, for Christ's sake. Now you're tryna tell me, you don't like the bitch. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!

If Nivea was sitting in the corner, smoking a blunt, watching Rihanna and Tyra Banks headbutt one another to the death, you'd find some way to make Beyonce relevant to all of this.

"Rihanna could win if Jay let her wear one of Beyaki's wigs."

How close was that?

I understand it partially. You don't wanna like Bey, because then you'd probably kinda feel like a stan [or be accused of being one]. That's perfectly understandble. Stans are the worse and they do nothing for the advancement of the Creoled. I, myself, may, IN FACT, be a stan. Until further, notice I'm in between... From where I'm standing I wants nothing to do with stannism, stanhood, stannery, or stanship. Stans ain't shit! They just like niggas. THEY DON'T APPRECIATE SHIT! So in your quest to not be associated with stans, C&D Readers, you find yourself throwing salt on Beyonce's pork rinds in hopes of raising her blood pressure, sending her into a possible stroke. You hate her, so folks won't hate you.

This sounds like a Mean Girls sequel if Mean Girls were a bunch of 18 - 30 somethings, at work slacking off, fucking up the economy, wondering why the fuck they bank account emptier than a Kelly Rowland intimate gathering...

I close this random rant with some simple questions.

Don't you stan for Fresh? Why do you say Beyonce's name on the daily? Why is Beyonce so fucking relevant? I know Matthew is pushing her down your throats but gahdamn!


0 comments

Finalist

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags:


'Sup, pimps and pimpettes. It's the Mini-Pimp, Iceberg Criollo...

Not much to say since old pussy ass Gustav been giving my peoples problems. All of Houston is being flooded with the Nolians... no problems with 'em 'cept Young Mo-Mo from 9th Ward by the way of Zone 4 owes me gas money from that time we helped 'em 'vacuate. No problems with the Nolians, though. If I had a problem with them as a whole, why would I employ Juvie Jay to put y'all up on policital GAME?

But I digress.

Had to let y'all know that the boy is a finalist in the BlackWeb Blog Awards. It's too late to vote for ya boy. That ended on the 31st. I was meaning to post this earlier but I been sidetracked... Had to join my momma's security detail ever since she took her earrings off on that news reporter. Fake Frankie Cole got ticked off and [HIT HER UP] said she was gone "put her foot so far down Solange's esophagus, she'd be shitting stilleto spikes for a week." And I gotsa to protect my fam...

Again, I digress. That's why I've been so behind though.

Winner announcements come through on Thursday. CROSS YA FANGAHS!


0 comments

Mess You Don't Do Around A Knowles

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags:

 
The other day I was over Fresh's house while my momma "used what she GOT to get what she wants". And Fresh's company was NOT nice to me. They kept on saying shit like "Why you so red?" and "Yo' Tee-Tee knees look like a moldly loaf of Wonder Bread" and "Don't make me take off my belt!"

Some people!

They must not know I kept that heavy metal like Aerosmith... So I gotta put y'all up on some game once again

SHIT YOU DON'T DO AROUND A KNOWLES

1. Never eat some Popeyes and refuse to share.

2. Don't say nothing like, "Kizzy is part of the family."

3.Never praise Ashanti's latest dance move [varation of her world famour hair-rub, hip tap].

4. Never take Pop-Pop's name in vain.

5. Don't say nothing like, "Creole is just a fancy word for light skin."

6. Don't say nothing like, "Beyoncé is cool BUT I like _________ better."

7. Don't FUCK with the gumbo!

8. Never refuse to sign the contract. We [me and Millie] will drape you over the ledge of a 56th floor. window.

9. Never try to sing lead.

10. Never tell Uncle Joe he too old to participate in family festivities [backyard volleyball, driveway basketball, neighborhoodrat shit, bringing that Chevy to a real slow creep, collaborating on the latest Miss Kelly re-re-release track (like that's gon' happen), etc.


0 comments

Weekend Fuckery

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags:

This weekend the mini-pimp has no plans. Don't nobody wanna chill witcha boy because I'm "beefing" with Beyonceitis... not really... they just some lying ass, hating ass, faking ass peoples. I got that lying ass, hating ass, faking ass line from Flavor of Love season two. That was my show for a minute.

But I digress.

The pimp still ain't tripping. Shank missing but I'm gon' make it through the fire. I'ma just go to Bobby Buford's BBQ & Gun Range and buy some heavy metal for that ass.

Again, I digress.

My real point is the girl S A V V Y sat a pimp down and gave 'em tough love over a rib plate dinner at Bobby Buford's BBQ & Gun Range and over some dessert at Satlina's Ice Cream Stand. We pigged out and she chewed the boy out. Literally, she bit me... I was dripping neopolatin on my shirt and she went in for the nipple. She told me just do like she do "when gum bumpin', concrete stompin' fake as dildo hoes be on her tip..." [her words, not mine] She never finished the lecture because I refused to buy her another ice cream cone and she hailed a cab and hightailed it.

So I'ma do what she do... and since she ASKING HER FANS for a lil' Q & A or T & A or whatever... I'ma give y'all the pimpurtunity to get to know ya boy Iceberg July a lil' mo better. Ask me anything. Any question you want. I'ma answer it... just as long as it's not something that'll getcho' ass shot.


0 comments

I Will Not Go Down Like Rick Ross

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags: ,

Open letter from your boy Iceberg Juelz to Beyonceitis ('cause I'm not through with that ass):

Oh so you wanna go and lie on the boy? Okay... be like that... I'ma come to yo' house and kick in the front doe then I'ma run around to the back doe and kick that one in just because I fucking feel like it. I'ma pull the faucet off the kitchen sink and bust every last window on the motherfucking premises. I'ma turn on every working faucet and leave 'em running until your house is flooding. How you like water damage? HOW YOU LIKE WATER DAMAGE!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I'ma call my cousin Fuqemhous Knowles and my cousin (through marriage) Clitoria Carter and they some fucking beasts. They'll Hulk out on yo' whole squad. You gon' be wishing you woulda made some friends that was my enemies... instead of making enemies with my enemies... it probably don't make no sense now but when we beating the breaks off you then you'll finally understand what the fuck I meant.

I'ma send Kizzy to yo' house in an ice cream truck with Miss Kelly playing over the megaphones. How you like that? HOW YOU LIKE COMEBACK? HUH? HUH? COMEBACK? THAT HUBBA-BUBBA? YOU LIKE THAT SHIT? OF COURSE NOT! WHAT SANE PERSON DOES?

Watch ya back... if I didn't have a criminal record before... I'ma damn sho' have one now!

...The Lil' Creole Pimp Formerly Known As Baby Daniel


0 comments

Speaking My Mind Like My Forehead Got Lips

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags:

Everyday ya boy Dannibal comes across bullshit that'll piss off my whole YAKI'd up (regardless if its on they dome or above they lip), LIGHT SKINNED, DARK SKINNED, ASIAN PERSUASIAN family. And I be tryna keeping my thoughts to myself... up until now... This is a list of shit that pisses me off.

1. Ramen noodles 'bout almost 40 cents nowadays... This may sound crazy to y'all but BACK IN MY DAY, it was just a quarter.... I 'bout almost was FORCED to shoplift it last time I was at Wal-Mart... knowing that  loose change I stole out my momma purse wasn't gon' be enough to pay for one pack... Fuck the recession. Five finger discount this bitch. Snatch and run yo!

2. Whycome toddlers my age can't vote? Oh just 'cuz we eat glue and stuff Play-Do up FOLKS mufflers don't mean we got a voice in this sad ass country? I swear we already got a toddler in office. Why can't toddlers vote?

3. How Trina flashed her cooter every three seconds and successfully distracted the world from noticing that her head is SO DAMN BIG.

4. Why my Momma keep promoting her album and leaving FRESH to babysit me.

5. Ol' MUSTY ass, NASTY ass, FAKIN' ass, HATIN' ass, LYIN' ass bitches... who won't give me no play.

6. Why YOU & YOU and all of the above won't get no jobs.

7. How come when you lose SHIT and go look for it, you can't never find it. But when you don't need it, you magically come across it. But SHIT you wish you could get rid of just KEEPS COMING BACK.

8. Whycome I heard somebody say "Creeping on my CREOLE and getting too close for comfort" and "Something in the SIMILAC ain't too fresh" the other day and did NOT tell their cohort where they got that shit from.

9. Whycome Necole Bitchie ain't replied to my MESSAGE yet.

10. THEM, THEM & WHOEVER SHE POINTING AT!


0 comments

Lost In Translation

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags:

FRESH babysitted (yep, babysitted) me once again and I notice her posting Cassie spitting complete and utter bullshit.
“Based on my past and how my last album came out, I really need to come back much much stronger, I wanted to have more personality. I really want to tell a story when I’m doing a song. Vocally, either you like my voice or you don’t. I’m not trying to blow like Mariah, back when she was doing that.”

“People used to give Ashanti a lot of shit and I saw her do the national anthem and kill it. I was like, maybe that’s something that I need to do to show people–I was afraid of the microphone and the stage, but I’m not anymore. I would definitely do something like that.” -
Drawing questionmarks? Let ya boy danYe help ya out with this word problem.

“Now that I look back on when I was fucking Ryan Leslie for tracks, I feel that I need to quit bullshitting with y'all. I can start getting real deep on the track, now that I'm fucking Diddy for tracks, but let's face it... even police sirens put out better notes than I do. You can either think my voice is "cute" or you can either have some common sense. I’m not trying to blow like Mariah back in the day, when she wasn't keeping up with the Joneses [the young crowd]”

“People used to give Ashanti a lot of shit, and I saw her do the national anthem and kill it. That's an opinion, that I figured I had to do in order to keep up with the game. I was afraid of the microphone... at first I thought it was a dick and I was 'bout to go to work on it but than I figured out what it was for and I ain't wanna get put on blast for whatever shot out my mouthpiece. But I’m not scared anymore. I would definitely do something like that.” -
-What Cassie really meant

Get it now?


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Vote for Fake Baby Daniel in '08

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags:

No I'm not running for President. Although my Pop-Pop was s'pose to run alongside Joe Jackson for the Oval Office, but that's another story.


If you gon' be down for anything, be down for Lil' Creole Pimp winning that BEST FICTIONAL BLOG  category. Take that Fake Janice Combs. Take that! And I'd really love ya, if I get that BEST HUMOR BLOG. I know Fresh got that one sewed up, but I want it. 

You're a bad babysitter, Fresh! I'm raiding the icebox tryna decided if I'ma eat the opened, half-eaten Cup O' Noodles or the Arm & Hammer box (because ain't shit else in the icebox) and you worried about Mya chilling with her FAM.


Nominate ya boy HERE.


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Praises Be To Bitchie

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags:



After a long day of reviewing applicants for wig crypt positions I got home and started perusing some of my usual go-to sites. BAM! First site I hit up NECOLE BITCHIE (try to ignore New York's chesticles). Necole had some creative ideas floating around that sexy dome of hers...

I’m just surprised no one [VH1] has thought to put some of these crazy a** bloggers in a house together for a reality show. Talking about drama….
 I am so down for a blogger reality show. Picture this:

Me, Fresh from C&D, Kid Fury from So Furious, J from A Hot Mess, Savvy Fatty , Necole and Blogxilla from their respective sites are in a run down masion somewhere in Podunk, Oklahoma. We must outwit, outplay, outsmart and outfuckerize each other to win the title of Blogosphere's Next Top Blogger. Fresh is that chick cracking jokes on everybody in the confessionals while pointing out every tangy thing about everybody, regardless of gender. Kid Fury is always telling us we need Jesus. J is always calling for Sweet Minty Jesus. Savvy is the one that'll jump up, yell "Pop off", and smash us anytime we get outta line. Everyone takes Necole for a joke because she's pretty but she beats ALL of us at the physical competitions. Blogxilla gets eliminated the first night... well because I said so. And me, I'm one who wins it all. Creolians got it like that.

Hosted by the bloggers of MediaTakeOut, because BET gave them the Best Blogger Award [side-eye here].

You can't tell me you wouldn't watch that.


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Weekend Rant

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags:

Okay Savvy... first THIS now this ... we ain't friends no mo!

Here's how this test is going down.

1. Put your Music Player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHATAfter you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 3 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the MEME themselves!

Begin...


1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Blow It Out (Ludacris [So true... so true]

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
The Realest (Young Jeezy)

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Shawty (Plies f/ Teddy Penderassdown) [Strange but true]

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I Got Money (Young Jeezy & T.I.) [This is like a fucking Ouji board]

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Cleaning House (Peggy Scott-Adams) [You can never have too much blues in your iPod]

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Tuck Ya Ice (Remix) (Trick Daddy f/ Baby & Rick Ross) ['Cause I sho do snatch chains]

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Anonymous (Bobby Valentino) [After I blacklist them, of course]

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
It Takes Two (Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock) [That was totally fucking random and totally my motto on parenthood]

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Last Day (Lil' Kim) ['Cause if you fuck me over.... you'll see your last day]

10. WHAT IS 2+2?
Some Hoes (Bun B f/ Bulletproof, Chino XL & Killer Mike) [That's a pimp's arithmatic]

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Get Silly (V.I.C) [Why is that SO true?]

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Let It Go (Keyshia Cole f/ Missy Elliot & Lil' Kim)

13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Bust It Baby Pt 2. (Plies & Ne-Yo) [I plead the fif admendmant of pimpdome]

14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Stronger (Kanye West) [Who doesn't?]

15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Stay (Pretty Ricky Ricky Rickay)

16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Ain't Nobody Stupid (Paula Campbell) [I hear that phrase a lot]

17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Get Up (Remix) (Ciara f/ Polow Da Don) [Biggest sign of a failed marriage; FREAK ME BABY]

18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Crank Dat Soulja Boy (Soulja Boy) [My corpse will commence to crank it's way to the Upper Room]

19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Freakum Dress (Beyoncé) [Especially on a loose toddler with plaits in her heads and she still got her baby hair; SEXAY!]

20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Shake What Your Momma Gave Ya (Uncle Luke) [What the eff?]

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Stay (Ray Lavender)

22. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
Musicology (Prince) [That would make perfect sense]

Now... I'ma tag FRESH, COCOA & QUICK. And Fresh, I know you got one of them big, popular, fancy blogs but you ain't immune to some old fashioned fuckery!


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Weekend Rant

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags:

Last night, I went to one of the biggest parties in the world of "Z-list" Black celebs. Yep... Al B threw a party. Of course, I wasn't invited. Well, I was invited but I turned down the invite. They later called me for a job as the photographer, though. Yep... I played paparazzi for the night. I came home with a lil' more than Similac in my sippy cup last night. Millie met me going up the stairs and had a mouthful a questions.

"What you drinking, boy?"

"Was it fun?"

"Did the club get shot up 45 minutes before closing?"


Answers: Patron. Sorta-kinda-not-really. And HELL YEAH!


Here's the GUEST LIST and in-depth play-by-play:

9 PM: I showed up with my Fujufilm disposable and a trenchcoat just in case I ran into somebody that would recognize me.

9:02 PM: Al B stopped me at the door and asked me to work security with Landon Brown. He then took my camera and handed it to Quincy. Note to self: blacklist that fool.

9:10 PM: Eric Benét showed up to co-host [Oh the fuckery]. We couldn't let him in 'cause he ain't had no shoes on.

9:16 PM: Sheryl Underwood and Willie Mac of College Hill "fame" (the season where ol' girl got beat with a shoe) showed up arm-in-arm. We [me and Landon] dismissed the possible relationship rumors and just assumed they were mother and son.

9:27 PM: By the time Judge Mathis showed up I said "fuck it" and exempt myself from "doorman duties" and joined the party.

9:27:51 PM: Sandra Rose fills-in for me at the door.

9:30 PM: Now I don't know how it started but all I know is Omarosa and Elise Neal shared some words and somehow Shaun Robinson got into it.

9:31 PM: Landon tries to distinguish the argument.

9:32:19 PM: I start feeling guitly as Elise jabs her heel into Landon's eyesockets as Omarosa feeds Shaun eight knuckles to the dome.

9:35 PM: Real security showed up. Me and Luenell (yes, Luenell) joke about the fight. She clowned Omarosa. I clowned Landon.

9:58 PM: Lil' Al B Sure asks me to make a liquor run. I start reaching for my switchblade but then he pulls out a C-note and I head for the cornerstore.

10:01 PM: As I walk to my Chevy Caprise, I peep Tocorra outside rolling 'round on the pavement with Omarosa.

10:01:37 PM: Kizzy gets turned around at the door for not being on the guest list. Guess she wasn't famous enough.

10:03 PM: I pull off hearing somebody say, "Omarosa shoulda stayed her messy ass at home."

10:27 PM: I get stuck in traffic.

10:28 PM: I hop out the Caprice and pop the trunk. No I didn't pull out that tech. I pulled out my Big Wheel.

10:30 PM: I Big Wheel my way down the sidewalk flipping off Brandy who seems to be catching road rage.

10:41 PM: I make it to the store and catch a ride back with Brandon T. Jackson.

10:49 PM: Brandon's Pinto brakes down. He walks. I still gots the Big Wheel.

10:52 PM: I make it back to the party just in time for Thelma Hopkins to sing J-Kwon's "Tipsy" karoke style. She even gave a shout out to the original Harriette Winslow.

11:14 PM: Luenell starts doing things that may be sound strange but don't fret they were for a lil' piece of change.

Now, I admit... I sorta blacked out by the time Luenell started to drop and give 'em fiddy. But I did wake up to gun shots ringing. I left the tech in the trunk of the Caprice (which was still on the side of the highway) so I had to get the hell up outta there.

Next time, Al B throws a party I won't turn down the invite.





It's fiction, people.


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Random Rant

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags:

FRESH, you know I'm camera shy!


So I'm doing my thug-dizzle... chillaxin' and watching a few games and the 'razzi was all in my grill. But I'm a boss so I stay representing for my team, y'know.



Thoughts scrolling through my head while posing for the cameras:

  • "What the eff am I throwing up?"
  • "Why am I sitting in DONALD FAISON'S lap?"
  • "Why am I sitting in Lil' Flip's lap?"
  • "When did Flip cut his braids off?"
  • "Why ol' boy got his arm 'round ol' dude?"
  • "Get that finger out my face. I don't know where yo' hands been!"
  • "Is this a window lickers convention 'cause these two niggas look certified?"
  • "I bet not see Big Ton in here."
  • "It's so mighty funny these nigrums taking me to sporting events, but WHERE MY DADDY AT?"


Excersizing my trigger finger

EDIT: It seems that I was with my Daddy after all. I probably ain't recognize 'em 'cause Ion't really chill with him like I used to. My hustle is my hustle and the hustle ain't got time for family.


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