The homie LOOSENECK just sent ya homeboy a text talmbout "Yo' auntie just told herself 'Ho, have a seat' and she taking six-months personal leave." You know what I think? I think we need to double down on that six months and make it a year. I'd patiently wait until TwentyLeven for Tee-Tee and Yeezy to come back and make every Rap/R&B panhandler feel smaller than Bow Wow in line for the roller coaster..

Beyonce's New Year's resolution is at once ambitious and surprising. The multitasking superstar, who was seemingly everywhere in 2009, hopes to spend a good chunk of 2010 not working.

"It's definitely time to take a break, to recharge my batteries," says Beyoncé, 28. "I'd like to take about six months and not go into the studio. I need to just live life, to be inspired by things again." SOURCE

What kinda dream is this? Audio provided by Sam at Grape Juice. No grape juice if ya don't get loose!

SOUND BYTE: BEY KEYS - LOVE SONG

But that's not the point of this post. This post is a celebration of progress because there was a time before Twitter where people could look past a pointless, stupid joke where somebody was "pimping her son" because "pimping runs in the family". And I KNOW that's true because "I knew proper capitalization and punctuation at the age of 3." Not sure what I'm talking about?

 CLICK THE PIC. Good times. Glad that's all "behind" me, though.

In the rare event you find yourself wondering if this site is pro or anti Beyawah, go flush yourself down the commode. Courtesy flush optional. You know I love my Tee-Tee and everything she buys me. Such as:

Shit you don't do to a Creole...

You lucky motherfuckers got to live to witness, yet another, B'Day! You better drop to ya knees and arch ya back and praise whomever you answer to on the Sabbath.

If you weren't aware, Friday, September 4, 2009 Tee-Tee turned 72 (to some people). And since it fell on a Friday this year we had to do it big! Now when you're a rich ass Creole family with a galaxy of haters and checkbooks, doing it big is bigger than just doing it big.

WE DO IT BIG, NIGGA!




Originally, we weren't sure how we was gon' do this, because no one in the Killa Knowles Klan shares the same views on "doing it big". When you're Kelly Rowland, doing it big is throwing your fiesta-fiesta overseas and having it a bigger success than it would be if it were held in the states. When you're Michelle Williams, doing it big is dropping down low and sweeping the floor with ya FACE at the local Negro complex for coon dancing and dutty whining (on Tuesday nights). When you're Cousin Angie... doing it big is whatever Tina Knowles, swag effervescent, thinks doing it big means. And Tina Knowles, swag effervescent, thinks doing it big means ordering a couple pounds of crawfish and sitting 'round playing spades and tonk out in the front yard in a gazebo tent you bought at Wal-Mart... And before you sit there and talk yo' shit, those tents are ideal for southern summertime activities because these Wig Crypt MOSQUITOES ain't no joke.

Pop-Pop's theme song.

A blue tube top with "The Roc" logo on it lined with camel fur and macadamia nuts with some redpop coochie cutters with polka dots shaped like Camel's cigarettes on it. She completes this ensemble with a pair of Deroen imitation YSL pumps and of course they were Dereon'd out by adding shark teeth to the stilleto spike. She'll also be sporting her Crazy In Love wig for that nogstalic effect.

OR

An ecru ruffled top straight jacked out of Ike Turner's closet. The sleeves are supposedly made out of sewn together crocodile eyes which start crying when Tee-Tee releases all of that raw emotion. She'll wear this over a skintight, painted on blue jean dress whic was "borrowed" from Zoe Kravitz. She won't wear shoes with this one but she will mos def bust out in some freakum socks. Wig? Oh... you know she gon' bust out in her Rapunzel wig and slap everybody in the front row every time she pivots her neck in a 360 degree angle.

OR

No top for this one... cuz Tee-Tee will be sporting her floor-length Wet-n-Wavy yaki that covers all of her unmentionable places. She will rock her infamous banana skirt but she'll replace the bananas with dildos in anticipation for her unreleased, never before heard single "Plastic, Rubber Ding-a-Lings". She wants to bring some of that 60s/70s/80s flair back on scene so Granny picked out some aquarium platform boots with fresh bitesize trout in the sole to finish the ensemble.

Questions?

Tee-Tee recently kinda, sorta not really half-way confirmed getting hitched to Uncle Joe.

I don't deny it (the wedding). I just don't talk about it. We've never talked about us and it's kind of protected our relationship. I think it's kept us out of tabloid drama...A lot of actresses that have had successful relationships don't talk about them, so neither do I.

I know some of y'all are drawing blanks and forming mental question marks so allow me to break it down by translating her Beyole [Creole + Beyonce = Beyole] into what she really was saying.

You ain't never saw me saying I ain't marry that boy. It's just that Ion't be running 'round running my mouf 'bout it. You ain't never seent us talking 'bout how we get down and how he lick-it-lick-it or how I slob. That's not something you tell folks. If you keep that to yourself, the relationship will last for an eternity like duhmonds. Them tabloids be all about that drama anyway and I ain't got time for that. You'on't never see Brad and Angelina talmbout, "I put my mouf on her junk and we ate this-and-that this morning for breakfast before leaving the house without combing Zahara's head." So I ain't gotta be talmbout my business neither.

Get it now?

Folks runnin' around here, yapping at the mouth talmbout my Tee-Tee finna up and quit.

Is Beyonce ready to retire?

The diva is currently working on a new album, but her cousin Angelica Knowles tells our source that it will be her last. Instead, Beyonce plans to spend her days scouting talent for new hubby Jay-Z's upcoming label, The Carter Music Group.

Beyonce's first protege is rumored to be an R&B artist named Chelsea Thomas. Her reps couldn't be reached for comment.

SOURCE

Let me go on record as saying:

-This is the first time me or any other Knowles/Dereon/Carter/Smith/Rowland affiliates have heard this news. So you know what that means.

-If she were to quit, she'd throw a humongous party/concert/wig convention first. It would be held on Mars and the after party would be in a parallel universe. You'd need to ride the Space Shuttle to get there but you'd have to get your own ride home. They'd serve plenty of gumbo but make you sign a waiver before you eat it in case you found stray wig hairs, flies, or Millie's toe nails in yo' soup and try to sue.

-If any of the Undesirables, Lil' Rock and/or Lil' T.I. showed up they'd be SOS'd. Shot on sight.

And futhermore, who is Angelica?

This kid:

A while back I came across this tee shirt over at [DRANNEK].

Lately, a pimp has been getting a helluva 'lotta flack from his peeps. Why? Because I been so tight-lipped 'bout my Tee-Tee's wedding. Folks be running up to me asking questions like: "Baby Daniel, what color was the dress?" "Baby Daniel, what song did they have to first-dance of off at the reception" "Baby Daniel, was Mama Tina really so sloppy drunk that she slapped the fire out of LaTavia for sneezing during the exchanging of vows"

Answers: Freakum beige. Tootsie Roll. And HELL YEAH!

But for my peoples still left in the dark, it went a lil' something like this:

12 NOON - Beyoncé arrives at the venue.

12:26 PM - Jay-Z arrives at the venue smelling like Armadale & Newports. Matthew requested that the guest please excuse this because they were just getting back from the bachelor party.

12:34 PM - Granny burns Millie with a cigarette for asking can she go to the bathroom when she was supposed to be on wig brushing duty.

1:06 PM - Solange is frantically dialing every number in her Samsung B'Phone trying to call Kizzy (who was AWOL). She even calls Lumidee (remember her) and cusses her out for having a Rhianna callback tone. Don't nobody got time to "Mamasay Mamasah Mama Koosa" when they trying get a signal.

1:32 PM - Pastor Gitya Munny Wright arrives and blesses the altar with his holy annoitnedness. He then sees one of the bridesmaids and demand that she "drop and give him fifty"

1:33 PM - One bridesmaid quits on the spot claiming the Pastor told her to "put her right hand in the air, put the left one in her underwear and tickle her cat".

2:03 PM - The church starts to fill as guest arrive. I, Baby Daniel, had to be there fashionably late so people could see the new spinners I bought for my tricycle. I enter the church and start to fulfill my usher/ringbearer duties.

2:10 PM - Usher shows up and replaces me as the head usher.

2:12 PM - I phone Brooklyn Beckham and Jaden Smith (Will Smith's son) and tell them to egg Usher's car before the ceremony is over with.

2:15 PM - Granny comes down the aisle wearing her turquoise/lemon-lime freakum short set and her Applebottom Jeans and boots with the fur. The whole congregation was looking at her. She sat in the front pew. Next thang we knew... she turned to Jay's family and said fuck you and you and you and you and you and you etc.

2:30 PM - The organ begins to play the wedding march.

2:36 PM - Zahara comes down the aisle throwing rose petals.

2:37 PM - Millie comes down the aisle throwing maple leaf branches.

2:38 PM - LaTavia comes down the aisle tossing cactus parts.

2:40 PM - Grandady throws his left Stacy Adam at LaTavia for poking him with a cactus "accidentally".

36 seconds later - Kizzy shows up with a bottle of Mad Dog in a brown paper bag wearing a tye-dye tube top singing "Stop In The Name of Love". I "quietly escort her back into the wig crypt. See what happens when you let laborers out.

I sorta fell asleep in Granny's lap afterwards. By the time I woke up Tee-Tee was already at the altar wearing a veil that was appropriate sized to cover her head but too short to cover her wig. The nuptials and vows and what-have-you's took place here. Tee-Tee said something about brushing Uncle Jay's fur everyday and how much she was gone love him until the end of time. She even broke out into song. Uncle Jay said something about buying her a lifetime supply of Popeye's and hitting her with that camel hump on the daily. I still don't know what that means.

And there you have it. Any questions?

So I'm at my Tee-Tee and Unc's funer... wedding. I meant wedding. And everything was going smooth...

Up until the point where I had to cut the shit outta Superhead? No not like that. Even if I didn't think she had cooties (b/c she totally does) I wouldn't go anywhere near her to "cut". What I mean is I literally cut her. Bitch stood up on the "if anyone think there's any reason this couple should not wed part" she gone stand up and bring up Uncle Joe's illegitimate churren. I dragged her by her Yaki and beat her ass down the church steps. Bitch spit on me. I don't want what she got. So I cut her ass.

Problem with it?

I mean, I didn't come to the wedding to act no fool. I was just bearing the ring and then I was gone get busy at the reception. But now... I gotta go to trial. Excuse me while I hustle up the rest of this bail money for my money. Y'all know she ain't making no real money no way.

My girl is a dime piece right?

The chick in the pink. That's my main thang right there. The girl in the back with the stanky dreads, she my sideline. I holla at her when my main thang ain't acting right. The lil' white girl... she mad 'cause I stopped calling her.

Big shouts to Tee-Tee for doing me this favor and hooking my chicks up with a photo shoot.

Damn, tee-tee. You act like you couldn't bring me back no cajun rice or nothing. A biscuit? Corn on the cob or nothing?

Why you gotta do me like that?

SIDEBAR: Why YOU and YOU and ESPECIALLY YOU gotta disturb me from counting my money? Let a thug make his dough, na'mean?