It's gon' take a whole 'lotta Jones BBQ and Foot Massage [Youtube it] for me to get over this one. Now bear with me. I know you don't like kitchen ass nigga made fuckery raising up ya blood sugar, but this is well worth it. If you stomach this fuckery for at least two minutes you'll see a Brandy (act like you don't see the screenshot, her). Damn. Just damn.

And Janet.

Just damn.

In preperation for my momma shitting on you hoes tomorrow, I wanted to show some love to the rest of The Undesirables today.

Here's my favorite Kizzy video.

EDIT: Fuck y'all mean that's not Kizzy?

Only thing relevant 'bout this show is Boom Kat. I would tell y'all a long drawn out tale about the time my Aunt Magnesia pistol whipped Boom Kat but, I'm hongry as hell.

Finna call Millie and tell her to pick me up some PF Chang's... she ain't doing shit else since that "unexpected" push back.

Millie, if you don't get your ass back in the wig crypt I know something.

I don't know where you at or what you call yourself doing, but if you don't get back to the headquarters I'm be all in yo' shit like Steve Wilkos.

Play with me.

TOP STORY:

Cassie's been fucking for tracks this whole time. Diddy and Cassie got snapped all hugged up somewhere where stone statues and trees and found.


I can't even lie. I'm more interested at what they're looking at then what the 'razzi done snapped up. I'm just telling it like it is.

I can finally add Cassie to the Undesirables. I guess that works out for the both of us then.

SIDEBAR: What the fuck is GStyle?

Some more of the interview that's exposing my family has leaked. I'ma strangle whoever is Deepthroating (get yo' mind out the gutter) this mess.

One major downside to Beyoncé's rise to fame was the demise of other folks' career. One girl in particular has felt a ton of hardships since Beyoncé has taken over and decided to speak out. Here's what she had to say… part III.

Us: You seriously thought about going back to his room with him.

Ashanti: Hell no! For starters, he's a married man. He smelt like Ben- and he was drooling Alka-Seltzer. And last but not least, he was tryna kiss up on my neck in the club and his mustache fell off and landed into my bra.

Us: You've gotta to be kidding me!

Ashanti: It's the truth. Worse than that time Micheal Jackson's nose fell into my soup at an Oprah get-together.

Us: Are you serious?

Ashanti: If I'm lying may Ms. Kelly: The Platinum Underground Tri-Release go platinum. He even tried to fish it out with his sausage fingers.

Us: Who? Micheal? He did?

Ashanti: No! Matthew.

Us: Oh. Makes more sense. Michael? Women's boob? What was I thinking?

Ashanti: Yeah, but... I just yelled rape. And I yelled and I yelled. And my boyfriend's homeboy Murphy Lee came up outta nowhere and hit him in the face.

Us: Wait a minute. Stop! So you're telling me Matthew Knowles got the fighting with Murphy Lee?

Ashanti: Yeah. Matthew thought he was Ali or somebody tryna rope-a-dope. He one two stepped and broke his baby toe.

Us: What? How'd it end?

Ashanti: The club owner made them take it outside. So Matthew was all in the parking lot 'bout to have a heart attack. The police came through and we all dipped.

Us: So what's Murphy Lee have to say about it?

Ashanti: I don't know. Matter of fact, that's the last time I saw Murphy.

Matthew and Murphy Lee fight and Murphy Lee suddenly drops off the face of the earth. Coincidence? I think not. I wanted to get down to the bottom of Matthew's crazy night in the club but sadly, I had to let Ashanti get back to her shift at Mac's Gas Station. I tried contacting Mya again but somehow she mysteriously disappeared. I visited Circuit City but her supervisor told me she hadn't been to work in several days. She also said and I quote, "To tell the b.itch she still owes me a copy of Liberation and I know she wore my Wonder Woman outfit to that costume party last Halloween without my permission." But I digress. Eager to unravel this mystery, I spoke with one more artist.

Us: Amerie, I'm so happy you could join us.

Amerie: It's my pleasure…

Us: What have you been up to?

Amerie: Well, I'm about to head into the studio and start working on my next album entitled "The Vagrant's Monologue: Will F.uck For Tracks."

Us: Sounds hot.

Amerie: Yeah, go cop that. And I just finished my world tour, this past year.

Us: You had a world tour in '07?

Amerie: Of course. I did a few TV spots in America and tagged that as the North American leg and then I ventured south past Antarctica to a faraway land called Bashonka Island.

Us: Bashonka Island?

Amerie: Yeah, the Bashonkan people really love my music. I'm number one of all of their charts. I get GREAT airplay there.

Us: Bashonka Island?

Amerie: Yeah, beautiful island. Beautiful beaches and palm trees. Never rains. No natural disasters. It's quite the getaway.

Us: You mean to tell me you visited an island that receives no rain but still it finds a way to maintain palm trees. You visited an island that's in the middle of the ocean SOMEWHERE, but it still has never been struck by a natural disaster such as a hurricane?

Amerie: Correct.

At this point, I started to question how authentic her interview would be.

Us: Moving on… I've interviewed several people and they've all informed me about Beyoncé's Legion of Doom. Do you know anything about them?

Amerie: Do I? It's cause of them my career has been through hell and back. I'm still lucky to have my legs.

Us: What can you tell us about the Legion of Doom?

Amerie: Stay the hell outta they way.

Us: Feel free to elaborate.

Amerie: Solagne: ghetto.

Us: Elaborate.

Amerie: Solange. Ghetto as a group of project kids using a beat-up mattress for a trampoline.

Us: And?

Amerie Kizzy? Ignorant. She just can't see that Matthew is her daddy.

Us: Um…

Amerie: I mean follow me on this one. If you take a picture and line up Kelly's nose with Matthew's nose, throw in the skin tone and the take of Matthew's fake mustache they look just alike.

Us: Can we get back on topic?

Amerie: Sure… But now that we speak of Matthew there was this one time…

Us: He was in the club with a lemon-lime suit on with coat tails and a silver cane looking a hot ass mess and he stepped to you with a story about arguing with his wife. He wanted to make her jealous by taking you back to the motel room with him and as a favor he'd make sure your career was successful.

Amerie: Nah, what the fluck is you talmbout?

Us: Just asking.

Amerie: But there was this one time at the BET Awards in 2006.

[TO BE CONTINUED]

So Mya, the best dancer from The Undesirables, has a new track that just got leaked. Excuse a thug's torrent of cuss words because I'm finna get real gully. What in the name of halfassed-vocals-bitch-please-say-you-sorry-oh-the-fuckery-go-sat-ch'ass-down-sumwear is this piece of turd shit? I'm sure Ne-Yo is somewhere J-Setting in a mirror off of it, but he's the only one bumping this...

And the song title: OH THE FUCKERY! Whoever wrote this for Mya was trying to tell her something.

When will The Undesirables get together and release an album. A group effort is way better than the effort Mya, Amerie, Ashanti & Cassie are currently putting forth. Why won't they release their debut group album, "Fucking For Trax: Songs & Yaki"? I need answers!

[SHOUTS TO THEFEEBACK FOR THE LINK]

In the infamous words of Saaphyri, "Go down, bitch. Go down!"

So I just got word that Toni Braxton has recently been hospitalized. I just want to go on record as saying I had nothing to do with this contrary to popular belief. I don't even know what the eff happened to her. Maybe she took a big whiff of that track & weave glue and fell the fluck out.

My best guess... she got news that my Tee-Tee and uncle got married and realized that her last shot at becoming famous or relevant again was out the door. Don't feel bad Toni. I'm pretty sure Brooke Valentine, T.Error Mari and all the other Undesirables attempted some sort of suicide following this news.

You are not alone.

Warning: I have the slight feeling that some of you may find this offensive. If you are a softie, easily offended, got an soft stomach, tender-headed or suffer from severe bitchassness (why Lord?) please step to the left and kill yourself.

I just got the rest of that interview of Mya running her damn mouth.

I'm officially blacklisting this hoe. Ya boy can only do so much stabbing and fighting. I don't wanna end up like the 3rd graders from Georgia

And now the interview (snitchfest):

One major downside to Beyoncé's rise to fame was the demise of other folks' career. One girl in particular has felt a ton of hardships since Beyoncé has taken over and decided to speak out. Here's what she had to say… part II.


Us: Did you provoke Solange at any point to even give her a slight reason to call you a bucket-headed heffa?

Mya: No. I don't remember doing such things.

Us: Are you sure?

Mya: Yeah… wait a minute… wait a minute. I was supposed to wash her car that day and I forgot to do it. So we ended up rolling to the club in her white 1981 Nissan Maxima with the blue passenger's door and no bumpers.

Us: No bumpers?

Mya: Mmm-hmmm. She was tryna get that new Ford Focus but her pockets was empty as the audience at a Kelly Rowland concert. I think she got that Maxima 'cause somebody owed Baby Daniel a favor.

Us: Speaking of Baby Daniel, is he "shysty" also?

Mya: (looking over her shoulders and nodding "yes): Nah! Nah! Nah! Of course not… he is an angel. The best baby I've ever baby-sat. (whispering) Don't be asking me no questions like 'bout him. You tryna get me caught up?

Us: No.

Mya: I ain't tryna be walking down the street and get snatched. Don't be asking me no questions about that boy.

Us: Don't worry Mya, this conversation is strictly confidential. No harm will come your way.

Mya: For real?

Us: Of course.

Mya: Well, in that case…. That lil' boy is the debil. I 'member this one time I was babysitting for him while Solange working was at BET's Spring Bling selling hot dogs and popcorn balls to the spectators. That boy drove me crazy. He set my drapes on fire. My landlord evicted me 'cause of that boy. Now I gotta stay in the projects, 'cause I get bad recommendations from previous superintendents.

Us: Damn. Have you witnessed any other crimes he's committed?

Mya: Girl, have I? Is water wet? Is the sky turquoise at noon? Is Ne-Yo's lip gloss popping? Did Lil' Mama help write the Ten Commandments?

Us: I take it you did.

Mya: Hell yeah, I did! I took him to the park this one time. Everything was all good. Birds was chirpings, I'm talking bout everything was all good. And I saw this fine brother with his lil' dog looking cute. So I set his stroller by the water fountain while I go talk to the dude. I got his number AND his address, guh.

Us: Can we get back to the point?

Mya: But like I was saying… I come back to the water fountain and he was gone. I looked everywhere. All over the park. He was nowhere to be found. I started to panic. I started to think, "What would Mama Tina do to me if she found out I lost the baby?" Hell, I was already running 'round with one sleepy, tired, saggy, Rumpelstiltskin looking tiddy. Ain't no telling what she'd no next.

Us: I'm sure you found him right?

Mya: Yeah. My cell phone rang and it was the police. They say they picked him up running out of a corner store. Some Koreans was going psycho screaming, "You come back and pay, now!You buy! You buy!" But Daniel was all, "Snatch and run, yo!" and when the police tried to apprehend him, he put up a fight.

Us: Are you serious?

Mya: Girl, yeah. They say he went Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers on them hoes. I went and picked him up from the precinct before Angie Beyince snitching ass could found out about it.

Us: Close call. Moving on… you said that you were also at the club with Kelly Rowland… was she cool or is she also apart of the Legion of Doom?

Mya: Kelly, was cool. But she was a damn punk.

Us: Really?

Mya: Hell yeah. Solange ask her to jump she'd be like, "How high." Solange say jump Kelly be like, "With a rope, a pogo stick, or on a trampoline." Solange ask her to jump Kelly be like…

Us: I get it.

Mya: Well, my bad.

Us: What about Michelle?

Mya: Who?

Us: Michelle?

Mya: Who?

Us: Michelle Williams!

Mya: You ain't got to holla, I can hear you. Who the hell is Michelle?

Us: She was the other girl in the Destiny's Child. The one that sat in the dentist's chair in the Cater 2 U video.

Mya: OH!!!! You mean Millie? Oh, I ain't never socialize with her. She was always in the wig crypt. Them wigs ain't gone brush themselves. But Kelly and Millie they both weak.

The interview had to end abruptly because I had to let Mya leave before she was late for her shift at the local Costco's. My interview with Mya proved fruitful yet shocking. I have never sat in a room with someone so crazy. That's until I sat down with Ashanti.

Us: Ashanti, before we get started I'd like to thank you for taking your time to talk with us.

Ashanti: It's cool. I called Brooke Valentine and she said she'd cover my shift tonight. Denny's couldn't make a decision without me.

Us: You own a Denny's?

Ashanti: Guh, stop! I'm in charge of all the waitresses. I make sure they wash they hands after using the restrooms and I also make sure they don't steal nothing.

Us: So I did some research on you and I read that you cited Mary J Blige and Etta James as your influences.

Ashanti: Mmm-hmmm. I love them. Mary's music is so empowering, uplifting. It's just bananas.

Us: I see you also listed Blue Magic as one also.

Ashanti: Oh yeah… I don't know where I'd be without Blue Magic. My scalp would be dryer then a motherf.cuker. It really helps grow yo' roots, too. I recommend it to all my friends.

Us: I'm sorry. I thought you meant Blue Magic, the band.

Ashanti: Who?

Us: Never mind. So I take it you want to speak out against Beyoncé's Legion of Doom.

Ashanti: Yeah, ma. They pissed me off.

Us: Please feel free to elaborate.

Ashanti: Like, this one time. I went in for an interview and to apply for a job in the wig crypt. Mama Tina straight insulted me. She gone tell me, "You ain't dressed for the job." And I was shocked because I had my Fila sweatervest on with the matching Jordache jeans. I was tryna be tacky, you know. To fit in. I guess I forgot to wear a wig.

Us: Forgot to wear a wig? Not trying to be nosy, but don't you always wear a lacefront?

Ashanti: Heavens no. Me, Lacefronts? Bananas!

Us: So you're not wearing a lacefront right now?

Ashanti: No this is my real hair.

I peeped her jet black, straight wig which had her looking like Morticia Adams but dismissed it for the slim chance that it was REALLY hers.

Us: Have you had any mishaps with Matthew Knowles? Has he ever been at or party or the same club as you?

Ashanti: Damn, girl how'd you know?

Us: Lucky guess.

Ashanti: He strolled up in there with a lemon, lime tux with a bow tie and some coat-tails. Looking like a half-ripe banana. Then he had a…

Us: Stainless steel cain?

Ashanti: YEAH! I swear this is uncanny. It's like you're reading my mind like you got ESPN or something. This is bananas.

Us: What happened when Matthew was there?

Ashanti: Well, I remember this light-skinned chick telling him to leave his alone. So he stepped to me talmbout some he pissed his wife off and he wanted to help me with my career, which was doing really good at the time.

Us: At the time, key words.

Ashanti: Excuse me?

Us: Nothing, please continue.

Ashanti: But you know… Matthew scrolled up in there with a pimp in his step. I mean, who does that anymore. It was 2003 but still. He was like telling he could help my career if I came to his room with him and if I didn't he'd make sure it'd go down like Superhead in a room full of rappers.

Us: He really said that?

Ashanti: Yeah.

Us: That's crazy.

Ashanti: I know. I shoulda went back to his room with him.

[TO BE CONTINUED]

Two members of the infamous Undesirables: Mya and Ashanti... officially blacklisted.