Okay you niggas wanna throw bottles and hoe swallow
My niggas they throw throw hollows then more follow
Like TNT I know drama, so I'ma... keep that AK like Osama
Fuck an honor
Motherfucker fuck ya momma to the tenth power
Fill his body with enbalmer, him a goner
Stop a nigga like a comma
No informers
But we got that white boy, that snow, that informer
-Lil' Wayne "STAND UP" by Lil' Scrappy
TOP STORY:
Cassie's been fucking for tracks this whole time. Diddy and Cassie got snapped all hugged up somewhere where stone statues and trees and found.
I can't even lie. I'm more interested at what they're looking at then what the 'razzi done snapped up. I'm just telling it like it is.
I can finally add Cassie to the Undesirables. I guess that works out for the both of us then.
SIDEBAR: What the fuck is GStyle?
Why serve Chrianna? Why, Colonel? Why?!?!?!
NECOLE... WHY? WHY YOU GOTTA PARTAKE IN THIS PUBLICITY LOVE?
I am THIS close to blacklisting somebody from my clique of gorillas in black tees.
There's a meeting in my bedroom. And please girl don't be lay-ay-ay-ate! We can make love between the sheets. I can put you up on some game. Have you biting Jamie Lynn Spears' style if you get the drift.
I get the fact, that Hannah Montana had to get sexy on 'em real quick but damn juke... but why Disney tryna get rid of her WITH THE QUICKNESS?
I'm down for any reputable cause. But this publicity love between Diddy and himself has got to stop. A nigga ain't s'pose to love himself, ya dig. And this "campaign"... I have to admit I was feeling it at first. But just like a stripper working a double shift on a wedding weekend ... this bitch is tired. Tired. Tired. Quit selling ass to ass via t-shirts and zesty boy groups, Puffy.
I copped this photo via [NECOLEBITCHIE]. At first I was gonna swagger-jack your run of the mill Beyigga/Jayoncé post... but this is killing me.
Where the fuck is Cassie at?
Lately, a pimp has been getting a helluva 'lotta flack from his peeps. Why? Because I been so tight-lipped 'bout my Tee-Tee's wedding. Folks be running up to me asking questions like: "Baby Daniel, what color was the dress?" "Baby Daniel, what song did they have to first-dance of off at the reception" "Baby Daniel, was Mama Tina really so sloppy drunk that she slapped the fire out of LaTavia for sneezing during the exchanging of vows"
Answers: Freakum beige. Tootsie Roll. And HELL YEAH!
But for my peoples still left in the dark, it went a lil' something like this:
12 NOON - Beyoncé arrives at the venue.
12:26 PM - Jay-Z arrives at the venue smelling like Armadale & Newports. Matthew requested that the guest please excuse this because they were just getting back from the bachelor party.
12:34 PM - Granny burns Millie with a cigarette for asking can she go to the bathroom when she was supposed to be on wig brushing duty.
1:06 PM - Solange is frantically dialing every number in her Samsung B'Phone trying to call Kizzy (who was AWOL). She even calls Lumidee (remember her) and cusses her out for having a Rhianna callback tone. Don't nobody got time to "Mamasay Mamasah Mama Koosa" when they trying get a signal.
1:32 PM - Pastor Gitya Munny Wright arrives and blesses the altar with his holy annoitnedness. He then sees one of the bridesmaids and demand that she "drop and give him fifty"
1:33 PM - One bridesmaid quits on the spot claiming the Pastor told her to "put her right hand in the air, put the left one in her underwear and tickle her cat".
2:03 PM - The church starts to fill as guest arrive. I, Baby Daniel, had to be there fashionably late so people could see the new spinners I bought for my tricycle. I enter the church and start to fulfill my usher/ringbearer duties.
2:10 PM - Usher shows up and replaces me as the head usher.
2:12 PM - I phone Brooklyn Beckham and Jaden Smith (Will Smith's son) and tell them to egg Usher's car before the ceremony is over with.
2:15 PM - Granny comes down the aisle wearing her turquoise/lemon-lime freakum short set and her Applebottom Jeans and boots with the fur. The whole congregation was looking at her. She sat in the front pew. Next thang we knew... she turned to Jay's family and said fuck you and you and you and you and you and you etc.
2:30 PM - The organ begins to play the wedding march.
2:36 PM - Zahara comes down the aisle throwing rose petals.
2:37 PM - Millie comes down the aisle throwing maple leaf branches.
2:38 PM - LaTavia comes down the aisle tossing cactus parts.
2:40 PM - Grandady throws his left Stacy Adam at LaTavia for poking him with a cactus "accidentally".
36 seconds later - Kizzy shows up with a bottle of Mad Dog in a brown paper bag wearing a tye-dye tube top singing "Stop In The Name of Love". I "quietly escort her back into the wig crypt. See what happens when you let laborers out.
I sorta fell asleep in Granny's lap afterwards. By the time I woke up Tee-Tee was already at the altar wearing a veil that was appropriate sized to cover her head but too short to cover her wig. The nuptials and vows and what-have-you's took place here. Tee-Tee said something about brushing Uncle Jay's fur everyday and how much she was gone love him until the end of time. She even broke out into song. Uncle Jay said something about buying her a lifetime supply of Popeye's and hitting her with that camel hump on the daily. I still don't know what that means.
And there you have it. Any questions?
I just got the rest of that interview of Mya running her damn mouth.
I'm officially blacklisting this hoe. Ya boy can only do so much stabbing and fighting. I don't wanna end up like the 3rd graders from Georgia
And now the interview (snitchfest):
One major downside to Beyoncé's rise to fame was the demise of other folks' career. One girl in particular has felt a ton of hardships since Beyoncé has taken over and decided to speak out. Here's what she had to say… part II.
Us: Did you provoke Solange at any point to even give her a slight reason to call you a bucket-headed heffa?
Mya: No. I don't remember doing such things.
Us: Are you sure?
Mya: Yeah… wait a minute… wait a minute. I was supposed to wash her car that day and I forgot to do it. So we ended up rolling to the club in her white 1981 Nissan Maxima with the blue passenger's door and no bumpers.
Us: No bumpers?
Mya: Mmm-hmmm. She was tryna get that new Ford Focus but her pockets was empty as the audience at a Kelly Rowland concert. I think she got that Maxima 'cause somebody owed Baby Daniel a favor.
Us: Speaking of Baby Daniel, is he "shysty" also?
Mya: (looking over her shoulders and nodding "yes): Nah! Nah! Nah! Of course not… he is an angel. The best baby I've ever baby-sat. (whispering) Don't be asking me no questions like 'bout him. You tryna get me caught up?
Us: No.
Mya: I ain't tryna be walking down the street and get snatched. Don't be asking me no questions about that boy.
Us: Don't worry Mya, this conversation is strictly confidential. No harm will come your way.
Mya: For real?
Us: Of course.
Mya: Well, in that case…. That lil' boy is the debil. I 'member this one time I was babysitting for him while Solange working was at BET's Spring Bling selling hot dogs and popcorn balls to the spectators. That boy drove me crazy. He set my drapes on fire. My landlord evicted me 'cause of that boy. Now I gotta stay in the projects, 'cause I get bad recommendations from previous superintendents.
Us: Damn. Have you witnessed any other crimes he's committed?
Mya: Girl, have I? Is water wet? Is the sky turquoise at noon? Is Ne-Yo's lip gloss popping? Did Lil' Mama help write the Ten Commandments?
Us: I take it you did.
Mya: Hell yeah, I did! I took him to the park this one time. Everything was all good. Birds was chirpings, I'm talking bout everything was all good. And I saw this fine brother with his lil' dog looking cute. So I set his stroller by the water fountain while I go talk to the dude. I got his number AND his address, guh.
Us: Can we get back to the point?
Mya: But like I was saying… I come back to the water fountain and he was gone. I looked everywhere. All over the park. He was nowhere to be found. I started to panic. I started to think, "What would Mama Tina do to me if she found out I lost the baby?" Hell, I was already running 'round with one sleepy, tired, saggy, Rumpelstiltskin looking tiddy. Ain't no telling what she'd no next.
Us: I'm sure you found him right?
Mya: Yeah. My cell phone rang and it was the police. They say they picked him up running out of a corner store. Some Koreans was going psycho screaming, "You come back and pay, now!You buy! You buy!" But Daniel was all, "Snatch and run, yo!" and when the police tried to apprehend him, he put up a fight.
Us: Are you serious?
Mya: Girl, yeah. They say he went Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers on them hoes. I went and picked him up from the precinct before Angie Beyince snitching ass could found out about it.
Us: Close call. Moving on… you said that you were also at the club with Kelly Rowland… was she cool or is she also apart of the Legion of Doom?
Mya: Kelly, was cool. But she was a damn punk.
Us: Really?
Mya: Hell yeah. Solange ask her to jump she'd be like, "How high." Solange say jump Kelly be like, "With a rope, a pogo stick, or on a trampoline." Solange ask her to jump Kelly be like…
Us: I get it.
Mya: Well, my bad.
Us: What about Michelle?
Mya: Who?
Us: Michelle?
Mya: Who?
Us: Michelle Williams!
Mya: You ain't got to holla, I can hear you. Who the hell is Michelle?
Us: She was the other girl in the Destiny's Child. The one that sat in the dentist's chair in the Cater 2 U video.
Mya: OH!!!! You mean Millie? Oh, I ain't never socialize with her. She was always in the wig crypt. Them wigs ain't gone brush themselves. But Kelly and Millie they both weak.
The interview had to end abruptly because I had to let Mya leave before she was late for her shift at the local Costco's. My interview with Mya proved fruitful yet shocking. I have never sat in a room with someone so crazy. That's until I sat down with Ashanti.
Us: Ashanti, before we get started I'd like to thank you for taking your time to talk with us.
Ashanti: It's cool. I called Brooke Valentine and she said she'd cover my shift tonight. Denny's couldn't make a decision without me.
Us: You own a Denny's?
Ashanti: Guh, stop! I'm in charge of all the waitresses. I make sure they wash they hands after using the restrooms and I also make sure they don't steal nothing.
Us: So I did some research on you and I read that you cited Mary J Blige and Etta James as your influences.
Ashanti: Mmm-hmmm. I love them. Mary's music is so empowering, uplifting. It's just bananas.
Us: I see you also listed Blue Magic as one also.
Ashanti: Oh yeah… I don't know where I'd be without Blue Magic. My scalp would be dryer then a motherf.cuker. It really helps grow yo' roots, too. I recommend it to all my friends.
Us: I'm sorry. I thought you meant Blue Magic, the band.
Ashanti: Who?
Us: Never mind. So I take it you want to speak out against Beyoncé's Legion of Doom.
Ashanti: Yeah, ma. They pissed me off.
Us: Please feel free to elaborate.
Ashanti: Like, this one time. I went in for an interview and to apply for a job in the wig crypt. Mama Tina straight insulted me. She gone tell me, "You ain't dressed for the job." And I was shocked because I had my Fila sweatervest on with the matching Jordache jeans. I was tryna be tacky, you know. To fit in. I guess I forgot to wear a wig.
Us: Forgot to wear a wig? Not trying to be nosy, but don't you always wear a lacefront?
Ashanti: Heavens no. Me, Lacefronts? Bananas!
Us: So you're not wearing a lacefront right now?
Ashanti: No this is my real hair.
I peeped her jet black, straight wig which had her looking like Morticia Adams but dismissed it for the slim chance that it was REALLY hers.
Us: Have you had any mishaps with Matthew Knowles? Has he ever been at or party or the same club as you?
Ashanti: Damn, girl how'd you know?
Us: Lucky guess.
Ashanti: He strolled up in there with a lemon, lime tux with a bow tie and some coat-tails. Looking like a half-ripe banana. Then he had a…
Us: Stainless steel cain?
Ashanti: YEAH! I swear this is uncanny. It's like you're reading my mind like you got ESPN or something. This is bananas.
Us: What happened when Matthew was there?
Ashanti: Well, I remember this light-skinned chick telling him to leave his alone. So he stepped to me talmbout some he pissed his wife off and he wanted to help me with my career, which was doing really good at the time.
Us: At the time, key words.
Ashanti: Excuse me?
Us: Nothing, please continue.
Ashanti: But you know… Matthew scrolled up in there with a pimp in his step. I mean, who does that anymore. It was 2003 but still. He was like telling he could help my career if I came to his room with him and if I didn't he'd make sure it'd go down like Superhead in a room full of rappers.
Us: He really said that?
Ashanti: Yeah.
Us: That's crazy.
Ashanti: I know. I shoulda went back to his room with him.
[TO BE CONTINUED]
So I'm at my Tee-Tee and Unc's funer... wedding. I meant wedding. And everything was going smooth...
Up until the point where I had to cut the shit outta Superhead? No not like that. Even if I didn't think she had cooties (b/c she totally does) I wouldn't go anywhere near her to "cut". What I mean is I literally cut her. Bitch stood up on the "if anyone think there's any reason this couple should not wed part" she gone stand up and bring up Uncle Joe's illegitimate churren. I dragged her by her Yaki and beat her ass down the church steps. Bitch spit on me. I don't want what she got. So I cut her ass.
Problem with it?
I mean, I didn't come to the wedding to act no fool. I was just bearing the ring and then I was gone get busy at the reception. But now... I gotta go to trial. Excuse me while I hustle up the rest of this bail money for my money. Y'all know she ain't making no real money no way.
Look at Shaq's new bust it baby...
Scared, Chris? Is you scared? What? You think I got some goons disguised as the paparazzi out to get you. Damn skippy!!!
This ain't over, punk!
I'll straight smash 5Ton4Head's friend though. No lie. But, real talk... that slumped posture make her look like a depressed turtle.
