I don't know, but XXL has Drake looking like Obama found a way to procreate with Bruce Willis. The Black Sarah Jessica [self-proclaimed, I don't coast sign] and labelmate The Actor Formerly Known as Aubrey Graham cover May's XXL after being passed up for the Freshmen cover last year, according to STREET ANTHEM. And this shit...

...wouldn't even start to describe this shit right here.

The homie, who shall remain nameless because I fear she will be shanked by one of these project chicks in the pic, sent me this after she returned from her night of fun and festivities at the Plies concert. My granny was there because according to the people behind Beyonceitis, Plies is my supposed to be step grandaddy. Granny nasty, but I digress. More after the jump.

The Grammys are wack as all Ray-J. If it wasn't for live Twitter recaps, I wouldn't have watched. To be honest, I never watch. I have a hangup about traditional award shows  that were once whites-only clubs. The Grammys. The Oscars. The Emmys. The VMAs. I wasn't never feeling 'em. I've seen a few VMAs, but none of the others before tonight. Well, the first Grammy show I watched was the one with Prince, Beyonce, & the dove. Performances as sporadically dope like that one deserve my viewer count. If you follow me on Twitter, then you saw  how I felt about the show last night.

To quote a wise mind, it was an emo festival of epic proportions. (I think @LuvvieIG said that).

All slow songs everything. I was relieved when The Fantastic Four took the stage and did "I Got A Feeling", and again when Jamie Foxx and T-Pain ol' looking ass boy ass got on stage. Pink's aerial attack performance made me wish I was an air marshal. I'll give her props though. Not any recording artist will do that shit with her disrespectful ass body. (I think Miss Jia said that last night). It had me in a giggle fit that was more entertaining than this disrespectful ass show. The 52nd Grammys were so uneventful it's disrespectful to snoozefests, everywhere.

And I didn't appreciate how they hyped a Michael tribute. I expected dancing, bitches, and beer. You give me Celine Dion? I can hit it big at a slot machine in Vegas and see that bitch for free.99 anytime. Ain't nothing Creole in my world tryna get hype about Celine or Usher. Although, Effie White came out and brought the "What about me? What about what I need?" swagger with her. Meaning, she had on a pair of Keri Hilson's bangs. By the way, if you didn't peep @ItsTootie's futurelove/shadefest to Miss Skeri Bangsy, you hate Christ. I think Maxwell is modern-day Ray Charles, but that's a compliment and probably the only real compliment I've given so far.

Before I really rant, let me say this....

The biggest boss that you've seen thus far graced the stage and gave ya life! Fuck the Grammys. No, thanks galore. I did think about whooping Rihanna's ass before the Grammys for old time's sake. She was game. We all laughed about it in the helicopter ride on the way to the Staples Center. I decided to take a rain check and beat her ass after the show. I'm five and you picking me up to speak into the mic? That's so disrespectful! Let me digress really quick... Momma was so jealous when she saw me on stage. She never been up there, but ya boy? Hahahaha.

Now that that's that. And that this is this:


Let's talk about this:


No thanks. Before you start talking shit, let me clarify. The homie @ThroatChopU argued that Taylor was the recipient of much success before the Fuck Yo' Coloring Book fiasco. I agree. Taylor was selling albums and soon to step out of the country barrier into some Pop success. Was it deserving, though? When I say "Bitch, please" I'm not using manners. I think false ass musicians were brought on by the hailstorm success of Britney Spears. Sure, Britney was nice on the eyes and her team had her story straight, but her success is mildly bordering on a whole lotta Fuck Yo' Coloring Book status. It just lead to more and more vapid ass success stories from limitedly talented artists. Taylor may sound good on her tracks, but so can Keri, Miley, and on a fair day Cassie. Live vocals ain't on deck for Swift. Her notes were leaning on that codeine last night and it doesn't help that Stevie Nicks was backing her. That's like Keyshia and Monica at BET Awards 09. And Stevie didn't even have a solo or none of that shit. That alone proves the sympathy success is still afoot. Anybody in Hollywood is ready to jump on Team Swift, because Kanye took candy from a baby.


Other ways Taylor received sympathy last night:
1) They gave her a total of nine and three-quarters hours worth of acceptance speech time.
2) All the nods. So much nominations. So much nominations. It's unusual for someone so young to get so much Grammy love. She's been here for four years according to WikiP, but still very, very rare.
3) Album of the Year.


Bullshit, if anybody's ever called it. Gaga couldn't get the Best New Artist nod last year (even though Adele was deserving) but Taylor Swift can win the whole shabang? Fuck yo' coloring book and bitch, I'm stealing ya crayons. I'd like Taylor more if she'd acknowledge Attack of the Kanye was somewhat pivotal to her stampeding popularity as fo late. I'd love her if she ate something, looking like Tales of the Crypt 2K10's host. She is skinny. And she's tall as all fuck so a little weight wouldn't make her bad built or nothing. But that's just nitpicking at nothing, I just hate seeing little ass people. It just punches my soul to see decrepit motherfuckers. If I could read thoughts, I'd bet her conscious would be screaming "STOP AT McDONALD'S!" But I digress.


Beyonce should have won but she wasn't the most deserving. Ever since GaGa premiered it's been a mad mad rush of STFU to anybody else in a room with her. Mainly cause of the 'fits, but she can sing tickle the keys. Sing, play piano, and look a hot mess in the good way? Fuck your life, Alicia Keys. Boss up. I'm just saying, though. In comparison, talent and material wise it was I thought all favors pointed at Gaga.


But since, Kanye's Greatest Success Story won... No, thanks.

According to THE HUFFING POST , there's a new way to segregate in Twenty10. A whites-only b-ball league is in effect for the summer. You read right! League commissioner Don "Moose" Lewis is opening a basketball league that will employ Caucasian players, born in the US to not just one but two Caucasian parents. That means ya mammy and ya pappy both gotta be WASPS and neither can be born outside of the 50 states (or maybe even the continental US, because we gully like that). Lewis claims he wants to de-sensationalize a lot of the antics seen in today's NBA like dunking and street ball that is played by "people of color". In other words, this cracker is sick of the Kobes and Garnetts and the African and European players coming and taking all the jobs away from his milky skin brethren. In other news, after the Republicans finish building the Great Wall of Mexico, they will also begin production to build a wall around basketball. Put ya lighters up if ya ready to see which white boy can get the most assists before the second half! If I wanted to watch boring basketball, I'd get season tickets to the Clippers or the Suns.

Why can't we just share?

UPDATE: The trip to me is... no foreigners. Because if anybody is ruining basketball is Canada's own Steve Nash.

Nowadays shit I find on major blogs [that spike my interest] I no longer bother reposting here, so y'all can get my point of view on it. But this shit right here that FRESH laced y'all with? I wanna call these two young thugs Jubilee & Blimpee. It just seems so befitting of them. Is befitting a word? Did I use it correctly?

I digress.

Fuck all that dancing. Not that I don't like dancing*, it's just that these moves they sticking is a lil' "Majah Werk". The HALLE BERRY jig ain't even that homo. These niggas stopped posed and gave face from the 1:15 to the 1:51 mark better than the bitches on Drag Race. Dallas's street cred took another hit today.

*I watched Wild Out Wednesday on 106 & Park on THE NIGGA NETWORK and I saw a dance called "The Hammerhead" that I found quite enjoyable. I highly recommend somebody to YouTube it. Thank you in advanced.

So my shanking homie, Latarian Milton (Big Ton is what we call him 'round the way) stopped stealing his Granny's car but started beating her ass this past week in your local Wal-Mart.

I ain't really tryna touch on this sticky subject 'cuz my granny reads this blog and she'll beat the shit outta me if I vote yes on "granny beating" and "cooning in the Wal-Mart"... so I'ma just say this:

What the eff they evaluating his mental health for? My Pop-Pop would've just sent me to Joe Jackson's house for a day or two. I woulda stacked some cinderblocks and got hit with shoes until I learned my lesson.

But knowing my Granny, she woulda just fought back if I hit her in Wal-Mart. She woulda picked up some turnip greens and a pack of hogmogs and beat the breaks off my red ass. But on some real shit, I woulda held up for mines.

NEXT!

Shawty say the nigga that she with ain't shit. So I took her to the mall and now she look pimped! SHAWTY WANT A THUG!

SIDEBAR: Fuck-me pumps on a toddler?

There's a meeting in my bedroom. And please girl don't be lay-ay-ay-ate! We can make love between the sheets. I can put you up on some game. Have you biting Jamie Lynn Spears' style if you get the drift.

I get the fact, that Hannah Montana had to get sexy on 'em real quick but damn juke... but why Disney tryna get rid of her WITH THE QUICKNESS?

The Queen of B.C. herself, Lil' Mama has the balls (literally) to parade up and down through TRL wearing my Crayolas. Something in the Similac ain't too fresh 'bout this one. Stealing from lil' kids is wrong, Niatia.

Gimme back my 64 pack with all the colors in place. There better not be a tickle me pick or a indigo sky out of place, neither. Cross me and I'll pistol whip you and err'body you crossed the Red Sea with.

GOOD LAWD!

Is that Dylan, the 1 of 5 best rapper alive, hot fyuh spitter???

I know Da Band came before my time but my momma bought Making The Band 2 on VHS (balling on a budget here) and I watched all 5 video cassettes non-stop! Classic coonery, I tell ya. Classic.

I'd love to sip some milk off of Sara though. Just make sure she's kept in a dry, cool area. A little too much heat and her chest may melt.

Something in the Similac ain't too fresh 'bout this one. Caption this pic of Kat Deluna getting frisky with herself.

Still frantically running 'round fondling yo' nuts over famous people getting married? I got the remedy. Ready?

Inmate #MOTO31298412 Foxy Brown was seen showing the fuck off today. She brought the 'razzi into the church to catch her "getting right with God". The only time a camera is s'posed to be in the church is:

1. To film a wedding.
2. To film the Easter Sunday play.
3. To film the Sunday School's re-enactment of The Nativity.

If she doesn't catch a lightning bolt in the ass for this fake fuckery then they can come take away my ghetto pass.

I DO NOT co-sign this fuckery because I don't believe she's truly getting right with God. Many ex-cons/criminals/Blackberry chunkers/etc. get outta jail and find religion just to keep living like heathens. I say give it a month or two and you won't see her near a church or one of those little green Bibles for that matter.

Somebody is out there jacking my swagger... and I love it. Damn shame though. Lil' shawty hit old girl with that one hitter quitter. Knocked her smooth out! Had her hemmed up on the floor and everything.

Props to whoever pulled out their B'Phone (by Samsung; in stores now) and recorded the footage.

Adds a whole new meaning to not a threat... a promise.

Weezy F. Baby is jocking my style. Instead of letting professionals put in some work, Mr. Carter (no relation to my unk; none whatsoever) called up Trisha from down the street who had a computer and bootlegged version of Photoshop. He came over with a family photo album in tow. She made it do what it do. Voila! Grade A Fuckery.

I would like to tell Weezy F. Baby this though: give me back my damn tux. I ain't playing neither.

Shit like this is why my blog is maxed out in Grade A Fuckery posts.

Soulja Boy for letting the bird out the cage, which is the equivalent to Lil' Cease letting the monkey out (in my book). Anyway... here's to you Soulja Boy... GOSATCHASSDOWNSUMWEAR!!!

CAUTION: THIS VIDEO IS NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN AND MAY NOT BE SAFE FOR LIFE.

Sexual harrassment. The jokes write themselves. I don't even have to anoint this post with my pimpness. It came bundled and built in with this pic.

I'm still waiting for 5Ton4Head to fall off and join The Undesirables.

Wowzers! Peep the story about some older Creole Pimps from the great state of George and find out on how they do what they do best:

A group of third-graders plotted to attack their teacher, bringing a broken steak knife, handcuffs, duct tape and other items for the job and assigning children tasks including covering the windows and cleaning up afterward, police said Tuesday....

Wanna know the motives?

....The children, ages 8 and 9, were apparently mad at the teacher because she had scolded one of them for standing on a chair... MORE

They make me look like altar boys and shit. I applaud this thugness and praise unto them until they'll put me in they squad and let me put in some work. Everybody gotta start somewhere.

Say no to kitchen ass videos. All I really have to say is this: these Negros are a disgrace to Houston, Dallas, the whole state of Texas, Dereon sold in Texas, Knowles-related music sold in Texas, weed sold in Texas, wigs sold in Texas and the rest.

Peep out the lovechild of Kayne & Lil' Boosie @ 1:55. Scared the GUHLAWDHAMMERCY outta me!

Look at Shaq's new bust it baby...

Some chick named Jerzee Monet (according to my ex-Bust It Baby FRESH)... I asked my big cuz Angie who the fluck who is she and she told me Jerzee peaked before my time. Either that or she fell off the charts faster than an Amerie single. CHEAP SHOT!

Chick is busted.

Anyways... Time to hustle.

Jerzee, my granny wants to know if we can interest you in a top-of-the-line, faux conflict free yaki lacefront (for the females ballin' on a budget). Don't worry about the costs. You can put it on layaway or open a free Wamu checking account and deposit every paycheck you get until you can afford one. I'm sure TGIFridays pays their bus-boys and bus-girls well.