In 2009, well... Fuckery.
End of post. 2009 ripped the needle of the fuckery meter. This year brought us so much stuff and most of it we did not want. Sit Indian style, while the heir of the Kreole Dynasty recaps the year that was so fucked up on so many levels.
IF IT ISN'T ON THIS LIST, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!
You voted. It happened. There were tears. There were jeers. What confused me the most was Fox News-minded people's obsession with this lady's biceps:
GOOD NEWS: My president is Black. My Lambo is blue. I'll be got damned if my bills overdue.
BAD NEWS: America thought of Obama as the Barack the Magical Negro. Don't shade Paul Shanklin or Rush Limbaugh. All of y'all thought all problems were out the door and the second homie walked through the door ensured Utopia. Well isn't that cute? BUT ITS WRONG! Obama was put in office to supervise the country and make sure my EBT game stayed proper. True. His promises are um... not there yet. Maybe, but if anything he hasn't let anybody down. Everybody's expectations were just so high.
Kizzy moved out. One too many nukkabitches seemed to think her management was her worst enemy and she finally bought the hype. So she moved out. Kelly decided to go sip tea with the Queen in the UK and break bread with the Brits. I guess.
GOOD NEWS: All those pesky Americans comparing her to that Beyonce? Over.
BAD NEWS: Well... Kizzy moved out, so now there's no one to work the microwave for me. Thank God the Chef Boyardee cans come with pull tabs but I can't eat this shit cold.
Chris Brown and Rihanna got the fighting. Before the Grammies. In a Lambo. News sources around the world rang the alarm as everybody everywhere thought the same question. "Chris Brown can fight?"
GOOD NEWS: I got my first job as Chris Brown's life coach. Much like Lauren Lake to Drankie & Preggie, I taught Chris Brown how to express his bitchassness though tweets and YouTube bit.ly links.
BAD NEWS: Goolging the Chrianna pic above somehow has that earworm of a song "Gimme That" stuck in my head.
Don't just stand there. JIG!
GOOD NEWS: The anthem of the year. Don't walk up and start talking. Immature Media ain't friendly!
BAD NEWS: Geisha will get snubbed at the Grammies. Petitions and demanded recounts are on deck.
Bowties. The de jour example of steezing on these heathens.
GOOD NEWS: C. Breezy thought the last day of August would be the perfect time to set the record straight. He showed up with all the fixings, including this festive ass neck accessory. I like to think Chris thought a pointdexter ass tie would make him look... non-intimidating. September unofficially became Bow Tie Awareness month.
BAD NEWS: Mama Joyce stumbled, Pretty Chrissy mumble, but that bowtie twankled and glissened.
Why is this shit important?
GOOD NEWS: You are all nerds.
BAD NEWS: Jacob and Edward are imaginary. They are made up. They aren't real people. This "team" that you're on doesn't exist. You have all been lied to. It's a conspiracy. Run. Run from the machine, before it consumes you! Nerd. Team Precious.
The Great Chicken Shortage of 2009. Popeyes was selling chicken for the low-low and KFC was just giving it away. People everywhere were too lazy to go to the grocery store and/or cook, so why not? Black people showed their asses over a 2 piece that wasn't even fried. Throw some (D)s on that bitch.
GOOD NEWS: McDonald's wasn't top notch for like a week. People were lined up for something other than a gaming console, the new Harry Potter, or Beyonce tickets.
BAD NEWS: I still have my coupon(s), Oprah.
College Hill: South Beach! It convinced that Florida is the premiere state of fuckery happenings and hoodrat shit. I'm just sure of it. Trina's from Florida. Geisha. T-Pain. The Bermuda Triangle. Spring Bling. Many of Tiger Woods's escapades. All that. But that's neither to nor fro. This is about College Hill!
GOOD NEWS:: That Damn K Wash learned us how to run him his damn money, put it in the microwave and humble slave ass bitches down. And a certain gif of him eating ribs on the stairs in his plaid coochie cutters.
BAD NEWS: We never did find out what happened to Terri or her Pigpen weave.
GOOD NEWS: The child molestation jokes stopped and Michael appreciation erupted.
BAD NEWS: Good music will never be heard from ever again. Jermaine can't stop now, he got too much swag.
This. It's all bad news. And that's all I have to say about that.