[From the desk of the Lil' Creole Pimp]
Aye, this ya pimp, pimp. I be on my social, economic, Hadley Street conscious tip, y'know. But sometimes there are topics that my lil' three year old mind can't possibly be up on game with. Y'dig?
But I had to give it to y'all nice and easy... So I brought in reinforcements. I called up an old juvenile, I used to roll with... JUVENILE.
Expect him to give ya the business, when the pimp just can't fuck with it.
I just got done doing the Early Show which went so good. I just wanna tell everyone thank you so much for going out and getting the record. I've been hearing great things and uh... all of that feels amazing for me. The record is doing good by my standards.
Um... I just got through sweeping up the backstage area and nobody ran through my area after I finished mopping. YAY! I had enough time to go back to the broom closet and light some 'dro. I wanna thank y'all for going out and buying Sol-Angel & The Martin Luther King Blvd Nightmares [I see you FRESH -LCP]. I've been told it has done okay... I'm just happy that Billboard RETURNS my calls. The album is planned to outsell Miss Kelly, HOPEFULLY!Get it now?
Mayne, I was at the crib eating my Granny's world famous Chitlin Pot Pie, just pissed off. For what reasons... I got a few... I'ma put y'all up on game and make a hit list. For those of you who don't know how the game go (and the simple mofos who ain't bought my DICTIONARY)...
1. HIT LIST - is a list of persons I plan on fighting, jumping, shanking, shooting, and/or Ike Turner booting.
Here's a few names that I have on my current hit list:
1. 5TON4HEAD - You already know I'ont like you. I wish you would and the dude you bearding for would just fall into oblivion. You ain't Creole, live with it.
I got some good news and some bad news...
GOOD NEWS: Momma album has packaging and album art... Its release is coming up! Word?
BAD NEWS: If karma come back to bite her in the ass, for them thank-you's, I'm moving in with Granny.
Okay you niggas wanna throw bottles and hoe swallow
My niggas they throw throw hollows then more follow
Like TNT I know drama, so I'ma... keep that AK like Osama
Fuck an honor
Motherfucker fuck ya momma to the tenth power
Fill his body with enbalmer, him a goner
Stop a nigga like a comma
No informers
But we got that white boy, that snow, that informer
-Lil' Wayne "STAND UP" by Lil' Scrappy
Readers looka here...
Every now and again, I gotta give EVERYBODY (stans, fans, haters & laffy taffy, pigeon pussy heffas) a crash course in what they call "copy-cats" and "swagger-jackers".
Picture this:
You get in your vehicle, presumably a Chevy Cavalier from the late 90s with a busted taillight and it ALWAYS runs hot, and you drive to your local gas station. You got the munchies like a motherfucker so you commence to buy up the store with your EBT card.
You approach the junk food aisle, potato chips to be exact. What catches your eye?
Lays Sour Cream & Onion or the Golden Flake look-a-like brand.
You buy the Lays Sour Cream & Onion because it's "better' than Golden Flake. I mean, it's Lays. Lays > Golden Flake. That's a given.
You then scurry to the freezer and you get all excited (because you're high as fuck) to see the random assortments of soda pop. What catches your eye the most?
Coca-Cola: The Real Thing or Faygo's Cola look-a-like.
COKE! Duh... it's Coke. And plus it has a name associated with an illicit drug. You're already high. Let's "get high" some mo'!
This little exercise in fuckery has been brought to you by the letters Eff You See Kay & Why Oh You. The analogy I used is about THE LIL' CREOLE PIMP CHRONICLES (oops, I did it again) and BEYONCEITIS' WIG CRYPT.
Wig Crypt came first. Of course it's the favorite. I came second or third or fourth. OF COURSE, I'm the wannabe.
I was sitting on my deluded ass one day (at my desktop of course, because I have no life as my "fanbase" would argue) and thought , "Hey! I should take a "celebrity's" (even though she couldn't even buy fame at the time despite her sister's pockets sitting on F) offspring, give them a persona, a fake moniker that easily associates with them, and use them make general jokes in a blogging enviroment. No of course I wasn't... But if I did that BEFORE the onset of Beyonceitis, no one would have cared. Beyonceitis got popular because people Googled the shit outta Beyonce and Beyonceitis contains the word Beyonce and word of mouth and shit out that nature. My point is it's related to Beyonce. Beyonce has millions of die hard fans, ready to slit their wrists at her command. How many fans does Juelz have, that aren't related to him? Who the hell woulda Googled him at 3:30 AM on a school night?
No, I'm not knocking the Itis in any shape, form or fashion. I'm just proving my longwinded point.
Beyonceitis is Coca-Cola, Lil' Creole Pimp is the generic spinoff. You like Beyonce for these reasons. Compared to Beyonce, Amerie and them are just like Faygo & Big Shot. Coke is a franchise. You buy it because it's good. It touches you on the inside parts. It's "better" than the generic shit that us other folk kinda sorta like to indulge. Beyonce is a franchise, A NAME... her competitors, not so much. So I guess I'm the generic Beyonceitis. Even though we're two different things. Nah, not really. I'm like Solange. As much as I try to run from my family connections peoples always gotta say "she ain't no Beyonce".
Okay, now I forgot my point. Let me re-read this shit, real quick.
*reads the line a crash course in what they call "copy-cats" and "swagger-jackers"*
Oh yeah... We're [Big Shot, Faygo, Golden Flake, Amerie, Solange and this blog] not copycats... we just kinda sorta used examples started by others and tried to be a little different. We don't wanna do what the fast soft drinks, potato chips, girls, and blogs do. They just came before us. They got a rep before we did. Their loyal legion of suicidal, homicidal, asexual fans frown upon us because it shows that they "support" their favorite soft drinks, potato chips, girls, and blogs.
This may've made NO sense. I may have spent a good half-hour talking [typing] outta my ass. I may just be too lazy to Google pics and stories and poke fun at them like respectable bloggers do. If it didn't make any sense and you read this much of it, then you don't make sense; therefore, we have lots in common. Beaucoups of varities of fuckery!
I completely get where you [anti-Creole Pimps] are coming from. I'm Faygo. I'm honored to be Faygo. Drink me up. Drink me down. Squeeze my bottle. Then litter your local highway with my remains. At least you're reading the shit I write, that's what really matters. ;)
Readers looka here...
Every now and again some sensitive motherfuckers flood ya inbox with bullshit. It's been a while since I've received blatant hate. Okay, that's a motherfucking lie... I get hated on daily... so I past it down to my readers through blog posts of the every-day fuck-ups of celebrities and especially celebrities (and Kizzy) from the Knowles family.
Supposedly, somebody (not naming names BECAUSE I KNOW WHO YOU IS!) thinks I'm seriously jacking Beyonceitis's style. Okay, send in the clowns... I'm finna call the Bloggers' patent department and ask 'em if homie from Beyonceitis trademarked their style of comedy. No fuck all that... I ain't got time to call up these folks. I'm too busy, copying and pasting, flipping birds, turning tricks, fondling haters' nuts, dumpster diving through Cousin Angie's trashcans and searching Google to find the best voodoo novelty shops in my area. In other words, I got too much shit to do to be jacking anybody's style.
In my humble-even-though-it-doesn't-matter-'cause-just-like-assholes-everybody-has-one-opinion, THE LIL' CREOLE PIMP CHRONICLES (yeah, I linked you back to this site) and BEYONCEITIS'S WIG CRYPT have similar styles in parody but distinct styles in joke delivery.
I'm playing the role of a fucking toddler, who by the way is turning four or five soon (I don't really know... like it matters), so bring ya own beer 'cause we gon' party. Beyonceitis exposes the crystal clear fact that Beyoncé shits on the game on the daily. Janet can sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl with no bra on, no shirt on and Beyoncé will sing the national anthem remixed by Just Blaze at the Pro Bowl in her birthday suit. Beyoncé will shit on her. Rihanna can win seven Grammys this coming award season (sheeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiit) and Matty Matt will buy the Grammy Association and give Beyoncé every damn award, make up categories and shit. Beyoncé will shit on her. Teairra Mari can say the Pledge of Allegiance at your local elementary school's field day and Beyoncé will start a coast-to-coast tour going throughout the country performing the pledge, the national anthem and singing a medley of Destiny's Child's, Destiny's Baby's, Destiny's Stepsister's, Destiny's Half-Brother's Cousin's songs at local elementary and preschools. She will then make this tour worldwide even stopping in the Middle East thus forth bring peace to the current warring countries. Beyoncé will take a diarrhea shit on her. The clock will strike noon... Aretha Franklin will jump the moon and Beyoncé will be waiting on the Asteroid Belt, pants down, ass up after eating tacos and burritos at El Sombero (LaTavia will be her cashier, of course). Beyoncé will take a galaxial shit on her.
You see how I got off-topic, sorta swagger jacking Beyonceitis in the process? Yeah that's signs of how much I don't give a shit who you think I swagger jack. Only reason I made a post about it was on account of the celebrity world lacking the utmost Grade A Fuckery that I'm willing to post.
Kick rocks, shit bricks, and piss tugboats. It's your urethra not mine.
...watch her crank and watch her roll! Roll her tongue across the plateau of her gums, that is. I'm fuckin' with ya' FRANKIE F BABY!
Is yo' favorite rapper a fake? Is they pumpfaking? Did they get a nursing degree? Did they push drugs inside the pen before they clocked in and open and close cells for the man?
Are you tired of these fugazzi ass niggas?
I got some good news and some bad news...
GOOD NEWS: I'm finna start dating again after my quiet yet ugly separation with Zahara.
BAD NEWS: I'm throw bricks through Necole Bitchie's Pontiac if she don't return my messages...
Readers looka here... every now and again we gotta bow our heads in remembrance of fallen greats.
This weekend the mini-pimp has no plans. Don't nobody wanna chill witcha boy because I'm "beefing" with Beyonceitis... not really... they just some lying ass, hating ass, faking ass peoples. I got that lying ass, hating ass, faking ass line from Flavor of Love season two. That was my show for a minute.
But I digress.
The pimp still ain't tripping. Shank missing but I'm gon' make it through the fire. I'ma just go to Bobby Buford's BBQ & Gun Range and buy some heavy metal for that ass.
Again, I digress.
My real point is the girl S A V V Y sat a pimp down and gave 'em tough love over a rib plate dinner at Bobby Buford's BBQ & Gun Range and over some dessert at Satlina's Ice Cream Stand. We pigged out and she chewed the boy out. Literally, she bit me... I was dripping neopolatin on my shirt and she went in for the nipple. She told me just do like she do "when gum bumpin', concrete stompin' fake as dildo hoes be on her tip..." [her words, not mine] She never finished the lecture because I refused to buy her another ice cream cone and she hailed a cab and hightailed it.
So I'ma do what she do... and since she ASKING HER FANS for a lil' Q & A or T & A or whatever... I'ma give y'all the pimpurtunity to get to know ya boy Iceberg July a lil' mo better. Ask me anything. Any question you want. I'ma answer it... just as long as it's not something that'll getcho' ass shot.
Life's been hard since them pumpfakin', fugazzi, fugugly fools at Beyonceitis been spreading this libal 'bout ya boy Rumplepimpskin. Everything is changing... I go to the playground, the kids point and laugh. Kick the lil' woodchips in my face... Big Ton aka Latarian Milton aka the fat seven year old that beat his granny up at Wal-Mart won't even help me fight no mo'. I go to preschool and Lil' Rock be tryna jack me for my Legos. Him and his brother be tryna jump me in the corner and shit. I go home and when I yell at my Momma she actually pulls her belt off and threatens to whoop me. SOME NEW SHIT!
My Daddy even started showing up at the house yelling and shit... Talmbout he on MySpace claiming me... telling everybody he got a son who'll beat the fear of God into Hitler and I'm running 'round gettin A's for rhyming shit with freakum.
I can't do this. I'm 'bout to hurt somebody, somewhere. Beyonceitis... I'm callin' ya bluff... I got a surprise for you. I made a few friends with yo' enemies. How ya love that? How'd I do that? Went a lil' something like this:
*****
Three-way phone call with Jennifer Hudson, Ashanti & KeKe Wyatt.
Hudson: So what you sayin' is... Baby Daniel want us to join ranks with us?
Ashanti: Yeah... He stopped by Orange Julius today and I was on break and told me.
Hudson: Did he hurt you girl?
Wyatt: Nah, he couldn't have... I stole his shank last Sunday. It fell out his coat pocket when he was walkin' up the church steps. He ain't gettin' it back, neither.
Ashanti: Nah... he was calm, cool and collected. At first I mistook him for the run of the mill toddler. Then he got close up on me and them blue eyes and that red hair was all too familiar. I yelled raped, because my counselor told me if I was ever in danger to yell rape because people in the vicinity will respond to a rape alert as opposed to a fight... They'll just watch a fight.
Wyatt: That's true. Especially if you stabbing somebody. Somebody may call 911... but other than that they won't try to help.
Ashanti: But I think it's a good idea. I say we should join ranks with him and take down Beyonceitis.
Wyatt: You got me fucked up... I ain't finna fall for no tricks. He probably just tryna get us in the same 'round and pistol whip us again.
Hudson: No he not... He can't pistol whip shit... You ain't read what Beyonceitis said about him? He a punk. He made up his whole gangsta lifestyle.
Wyatt: I don't believe shit they say... They said Beyonce was gonna drop 12 albums this year. One for each month. I can drop 24 albums in one year, TWO for each month and help Avant turn tricks to pay his water bill.
Hudson: Avant turning tricks again?
Wyatt: Yeah... and everytime he fucks up who he call? KeKe! That's who... when Jay fucks up... who he call? Beyoncita! That heffa. Too bad he couldn't return the favor with Deja Vu... she had to call Ne-Yo sugar tank ass to help with that... Shame. If I woulda did Deja Vu it would went number one and then some.
Hudson: Can't we just wait for the government to find a cure for Beyonceitis. I heard they were really close.
Ashanti: Nah, I'm not tryna be like Amerie and just wait... Go overseas and just wait... Have you seen her, lately? Child look like... Can I put y'all on hold for a minute? I got some business to take care of really quick
KeKe: Don't have us waiting forever.
Ashanit: Cool...
*clears throat*
Wal-Mart Customer Service... Ashanti speaking... How may I help you? You need to call the electronics department for that... Yeah, I think it's just bananas that they make you call the whole damn store, too. Thanks for choosing Wal-Mart... Have a good day.
I'm back y'all.
Wyatt: I know this girl ain't working at no Wal-Mart.
Ashanti: I got bills to pay, KeKe. This good-good ain't enough to them taxes taxed and them bills billed. And its mo' than what you doing, KeKe.
Wyatt: Don't trip. I could work at Wal-Mart way better than you and Beyonce .
Hudson: Ooh... Shany... can you stop by the deli and get me a bag of fried chicken... I ain't had none of that fried chicken in a long time.
Ashanti: You know what? Forget I called y'all. Y'all just strayed away from the whole point... That's why I don't fuck with you big girls... All you do is eat and fight. I'ma just call Mya and Janet liked I had planned on from the get-go.
*Ashanti hangs up*
----------
Watch yo' back Beyonceitis... And remember don't believe it until you see me kicking both ya does in.
Open letter from your boy Iceberg Juelz to Beyonceitis ('cause I'm not through with that ass):
Oh so you wanna go and lie on the boy? Okay... be like that... I'ma come to yo' house and kick in the front doe then I'ma run around to the back doe and kick that one in just because I fucking feel like it. I'ma pull the faucet off the kitchen sink and bust every last window on the motherfucking premises. I'ma turn on every working faucet and leave 'em running until your house is flooding. How you like water damage? HOW YOU LIKE WATER DAMAGE!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I'ma call my cousin Fuqemhous Knowles and my cousin (through marriage) Clitoria Carter and they some fucking beasts. They'll Hulk out on yo' whole squad. You gon' be wishing you woulda made some friends that was my enemies... instead of making enemies with my enemies... it probably don't make no sense now but when we beating the breaks off you then you'll finally understand what the fuck I meant.
I'ma send Kizzy to yo' house in an ice cream truck with Miss Kelly playing over the megaphones. How you like that? HOW YOU LIKE COMEBACK? HUH? HUH? COMEBACK? THAT HUBBA-BUBBA? YOU LIKE THAT SHIT? OF COURSE NOT! WHAT SANE PERSON DOES?
Watch ya back... if I didn't have a criminal record before... I'ma damn sho' have one now!
...The Lil' Creole Pimp Formerly Known As Baby Daniel
So BEYONCEITIS think they can fabricate lies and Photoshop "documents" to put ya boy on blast.
These are lies. LIES! LIES! It's beyond bullshit. If I'm not a goon then Wesley Snipes ain't black. If I'm not a goon then Jackie-O ain't slanging that bajingo just to lay down some vocals. If I ain't a goon then so help me God, may a Kelly Rowland album go platinum in less than a week. Them documents ain't real. Where my social security number at?
And you wanna know how I know that Beyonceitis is lying? I ain't even got no cousins named LaKeesha and Damneesha... I got a cousin named LaNeesha Ann DamnKeesha Dereon so you know they lying. It's just like people on the Internet is using me and my likeness just to get laughs. I mean, who does that? Silly. It's silly that's what it is.
Baby Daniel attended Miss Geraldine's School of Business? That's fugazzi! I graduated from SAVVY FATTY's 2Pac Academy and Foods of Many Nations Emporium. And if I didn't may Cassie hold a 10 second note without Autotone.
Baby Daniel made A's? That's fugazzi... that's just not real. Ion't even like A's on my females let 'lone my 'port card. The last time I brought a 'port card home, my Pop-Pop threw his left Stacy Adam at my adams apple. I ain't tryna fight him back 'cause that mustache do not play.
True... I had "worked" in an animal shelter before... but it was just a front so I could sell dogs to Michael Vick. Honest!
True... I've been selling Tee-Tee's used lacefronts to people. Out of my trunk, though. Me and my Granny split the profits fiddy-fiddy. It's our Ballin' On A Budget line aimed at Ashanti & Teairra Mari.
And I ain't never did no interview with Vibe magazine... I meant to kick down Quincy Jones's door for fabricating that shit. I mean you just don't do that to people. That's not right. Luckily, I lost my shank the other day Quincy.
And when me and Uncle Joe got pulled over that was his Flintstone's vitamins... See, I'm a grade A thug ass nigga specializing in fuckery and espionage... I knows how to hide my drugs real proper-like. I know how to take a police dog's scent away with just one look. That's why they ain't found the goods. Don't test my gangsta. You will fail.
Beyonceitis's head nigga in charge is hereby banned from the Creole Compound for being a hypocrite. As for these lies... Don't believe it until you see it.
----
In all realness, funniest shit I've read since I discovered Beyonceitis... I almost just gave up on life because my soul was snatched like a gold chain. I've been punk'd
Everyday ya boy Dannibal comes across bullshit that'll piss off my whole YAKI'd up (regardless if its on they dome or above they lip), LIGHT SKINNED, DARK SKINNED, ASIAN PERSUASIAN family. And I be tryna keeping my thoughts to myself... up until now... This is a list of shit that pisses me off.
1. Ramen noodles 'bout almost 40 cents nowadays... This may sound crazy to y'all but BACK IN MY DAY, it was just a quarter.... I 'bout almost was FORCED to shoplift it last time I was at Wal-Mart... knowing that loose change I stole out my momma purse wasn't gon' be enough to pay for one pack... Fuck the recession. Five finger discount this bitch. Snatch and run yo!
2. Whycome toddlers my age can't vote? Oh just 'cuz we eat glue and stuff Play-Do up FOLKS mufflers don't mean we got a voice in this sad ass country? I swear we already got a toddler in office. Why can't toddlers vote?
3. How Trina flashed her cooter every three seconds and successfully distracted the world from noticing that her head is SO DAMN BIG.
4. Why my Momma keep promoting her album and leaving FRESH to babysit me.
5. Ol' MUSTY ass, NASTY ass, FAKIN' ass, HATIN' ass, LYIN' ass bitches... who won't give me no play.
6. Why YOU & YOU and all of the above won't get no jobs.
7. How come when you lose SHIT and go look for it, you can't never find it. But when you don't need it, you magically come across it. But SHIT you wish you could get rid of just KEEPS COMING BACK.
8. Whycome I heard somebody say "Creeping on my CREOLE and getting too close for comfort" and "Something in the SIMILAC ain't too fresh" the other day and did NOT tell their cohort where they got that shit from.
9. Whycome Necole Bitchie ain't replied to my MESSAGE yet.
10. THEM, THEM & WHOEVER SHE POINTING AT!
“Based on my past and how my last album came out, I really need to come back much much stronger, I wanted to have more personality. I really want to tell a story when I’m doing a song. Vocally, either you like my voice or you don’t. I’m not trying to blow like Mariah, back when she was doing that.”Drawing questionmarks? Let ya boy danYe help ya out with this word problem.
“People used to give Ashanti a lot of shit and I saw her do the national anthem and kill it. I was like, maybe that’s something that I need to do to show people–I was afraid of the microphone and the stage, but I’m not anymore. I would definitely do something like that.” --Cassie in Complex magazine
“Now that I look back on when I was fucking Ryan Leslie for tracks, I feel that I need to quit bullshitting with y'all. I can start getting real deep on the track, now that I'm fucking Diddy for tracks, but let's face it... even police sirens put out better notes than I do. You can either think my voice is "cute" or you can either have some common sense. I’m not trying to blow like Mariah back in the day, when she wasn't keeping up with the Joneses [the young crowd]”
“People used to give Ashanti a lot of shit, and I saw her do the national anthem and kill it. That's an opinion, that I figured I had to do in order to keep up with the game. I was afraid of the microphone... at first I thought it was a dick and I was 'bout to go to work on it but than I figured out what it was for and I ain't wanna get put on blast for whatever shot out my mouthpiece. But I’m not scared anymore. I would definitely do something like that.” -
No I'm not running for President. Although my Pop-Pop was s'pose to run alongside Joe Jackson for the Oval Office, but that's another story.
