I don't condone the art of stanning. I'd much rather pick my nose until I finger bang my brain. Not a Minaj stan. That Barbie movement and all that other extra shit? Eh. But I do appreciate a good "snap" and all that junk. Nicki Minaj witty punchlines > Rasheeda's fifteenth attempt to go mainstream that goes overlooked by her um... Kayne shrug.

With lines like "Looked at my plane ticket all that bitch said was up," I'm compelled to draw blanks.

Wacka Flocka Flame's version was actually better. The new it girl minus butt period. I'm not ignoring the low budget shoot at all. Yes, I am. She needs to just stick to braiding her in her apartment and playing Evony in her spare time.

In 2009, well... Fuckery. End of post. 2009 ripped the needle of the fuckery meter. This year brought us so much stuff and most of it we did not want. Sit Indian style, while the heir of the Kreole Dynasty recaps the year that was so fucked up on so many levels.

IF IT ISN'T ON THIS LIST, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!

You voted. It happened. There were tears. There were jeers. What confused me the most was Fox News-minded people's obsession with this lady's biceps:


GOOD NEWS: My president is Black. My Lambo is blue. I'll be got damned if my bills overdue.

BAD NEWS: America thought of Obama as the Barack the Magical Negro. Don't shade Paul Shanklin or Rush Limbaugh. All of y'all thought all problems were out the door and the second homie walked through the door ensured Utopia. Well isn't that cute? BUT ITS WRONG! Obama was put in office to supervise the country and make sure my EBT game stayed proper. True. His promises are um... not there yet. Maybe, but if anything he hasn't let anybody down. Everybody's expectations were just so high.


: (

GOOD NEWS: The child molestation jokes stopped and Michael appreciation erupted.

BAD NEWS: Good music will never be heard from ever again. Jermaine can't stop now, he got too much swag.


This. It's all bad news. And that's all I have to say about that.

Not sure about this one, because I didn't get a full's nights rest so I'm seeing and half-seeing everything today but... Teddy Riley, a prominent face in R&B, new jack swing and magic gapped teeth, has been ordered to stay 100 yards away from his daughter Taja. Apparently, some shit happened, somebody got outta pocket, push came to shove and he... well...

Teddy abused her and her older sister by "stomping, punching and bashing them" in his L.A. home on December 23. According to the documents, filed in L.A. County Superior Court, Taja claims at one point Teddy, "lifted a Rock Band guitar and threatened to kill person(s) w/ it."

Doesn't happen in my house. We go down swinging like real Creoles. Not that this is a laughing matter or nothing. I'm just saying... If my Momma come at me about talking slick about her on Formspring, she ain't gotta hit me with a Wii Balance Board... Yo', this was two days before Christmas so was the Rock Band guitar a present and he... Never mind.

It's gonna take a lot of fuckery to get me to keep up with celebrity reality TV. Sorry. When I want everyday reality TV, I'ma watch Lockup on MSNBC. Peeping this clip out... I'm looking for a breakout star on Fantasia's upcoming reality show. Six second mark. I pray that's the star. I pray every three scenes homie is mad or crying in this same emotive state. Good fuckery is rare these days.

Fanny Mae's show premieres Jan 11th on VH1.

Being a celebrity youth, I know I have to uphold a certain image and provide morals for other people's kids. I try to cut back on baby shakings, tire slashings, and the obligatory temper tantrum encourage by hours Grand Theft Auto. For some reason, I want to be this guy when I grow up.

But without the childhood obesity.

Michael Jackson - This Is It - Directed by Spike Lee from 40 Acres and a Mule Filmworks on Vimeo.

I don't think you understand what's going on in this clip here. Homie humped an Xbox 360. Homie humped an Xbox 360. I don't play parent to anybody,besides my own with her bald-headed/different steelo ham burning ass, but these parents... I got a bone to pick with these parents. Junior shoulda got a Wii on the grounds that he'd have to get up and be somewhat active to play it. Judging by that B-cup chest, I don't think he sees too much physical activity.

Just saying.

Readers looka here,

If you ever once said, "Bah humbug" today then I got something to turn your beat around. BarretTV of course! Peep the holly on the sleeves and the poinsettias on the trim and the S on the chest and white sounding kids. It's beginning to look alot like Xmas.

Happy Holidays from Hadley Street.

Y'all gone have to forgive me, because I just found out George Carlin has been dead since 2008 and I thought he was still running round the globe, chilling and shit. I feel very late so...

KERRVILLE, Texas (AP) - Prosecutors will review the case of a woman authorities claim has called 911 30 times over six months for non-emergency reasons, including a call to complain that her husband refused to eat his dinner.

...Police were dispatched to the residence and officer Paul Gonzales said police were told by her that "her husband did not want to eat his supper." A police report said the 53-year-old woman was also yelling "about things that happened two weeks ago."

The woman now faces charges of 911 abuse. [SOURCE]

I feel like this was an episode of Mama's Family. I only think the cops give a fuck now, because Xmas is around the corner and they didn't want her calling because nobody wanted her fruitcake. In her defense, recession. Waste. Food. Get. Shot.

Cut the check.

I'm digging Formspring. QUESTIONS? http://formspring.me/creolepimp

This bitch skipped me in line, yo'. I was posed to get my Battle Strikers rung up next, bruh. That shit ain't fair! That shit ain't fair!

For more Wal-Mart fuckery visit PEOPLE OF WAL-MART tell'em danYeezy sent ya.

Get into this GloWorm going hard. His tuna on fire and his shit don't stank! The water bottle part? I can't hate. I sweated just watching him sweat. I was waiting for a Leyomi drop so I could see if my ground shook like his would have in the vid, too but... wish in one hand, shit in the other. Which fills first?

Jori sends me shit like this all the time. Yet, I still reply to her tweets like she's a real friend. I hate you a little more each day, Jori.

Slap me for thinking they'd be a Kwanza fam this year. Fuck what ya heard, my fam ain't this cruel. Ya see how Kimora is all dolled up and the baby is all precious while the kids look like slightly tragic. Slighty. Pokemon Dijimon Monsoon is a buster for putting that holiday Cosby sweater on.

Props to Q of Madbloggers. His idea for a remake of THREE'S COMPANY looks promising to me, too.

Although, Wayne is slated to go in when T.I. comes out [jail... I meant jail.], that doesn't mean he can't drop a few records beforehand. The homie ROBO3K Lil' Mama bounced us a track of Wayne and 'Em and well... I'll let Robo tell ya what happened.

Ok, so here’s what happened. Wayne called Em and was like, “Ayo… come hop on this track!” and then Em was like, “Only if I can murder you on your own song…” and Wayne was like, “Mmmm… Promethazine!” and then Em murdered Wayne on his track.

And there it is.

The title says it all. Twitter is on my nerves. That's neither good nor bad. It's complex even though it sounds really simple. For starters, my GRANNY and my TEE-TEE got pages up on there and that shit ain't cool bruh. I mean damn, my momma and Wale ol' booger nose bougie ass already on there. Now these two? Why you think I'm avoiding Facebook?

But that ain't the half. It seems like what seemed to be a good thing, has "faulted itself". You know how you follow me (you do follow me, right?) and you see me tweeting funny shit to funny people? So you follow them? And then they follow you? And so on and so forth until it's one big MyCircle type affair? Sounds cool on paper, but it ain't.

Why?

Why?


Why?

Because originality has been AWOL since the season finale of The Basic Bitches of Buckhead. Every thing The Chama say, every thing Fresh and 'nem say, every thing Lil Big Kim and Big Lil Kim and Medium Small Kim say ends up repeated twelve times the next day as if it's still funny. Basically plain ass basic tweets are becoming retweets without the "RT" in them.

If I sound like I'm in a bad mood, really I'm not. Maybe I should switch from my "Take It Down For All The Lovers Out There" iTunes playlist to my "Fuck The World And The Horse It Rode In On" playlist. Actual playlist names. R&B makes me think and Hip-Hop [any kind] makes me jig. Shit, I'd jig to a Mos Def track, to an Algebra track, to Uncle Joe exclusive. But I digress.

That's not my only fault with Twitter, y'all. Besides "exclusive" circles that we all fuck and fight within, there are "inclusive" circles, if those are real words. These inclusive circles are like six degrees of separation in Twitter form. It's probably the only way you could link Ciara to the Billboard charts or Omarion to some pussy. In these inclusive circles, everybody is connected to everybody. Motherfuckers you ain't never heard of, don't know them from a box of washing powder, pop up in your timeline via @replies or that bogusoity-laced official RT button. I love receiving love in my @replies. I hate seeing strangers in my timeline via RT. Sometimes they be ugly as hell. Sometimes they be so pretty, I'm caught off guard. Sometimes... I can't. Either way, I'd like to wake up from this beautiful nightmare.

But that's not even it... It's... this:

That's my homie. We don't beef no more but still... This?

Ion't want no homo ass Goldeen.

But

that






ain't







nothing







compared to








THIS:









Bruh..

Can't lie. I was jigging. They church practices Casual Sunday like a mug. They took tithes during youth choir's "Ego (Jesus Is My Savior)? Fresh your check is in the mail ----> I'm waiting to attend service the preacher says "Can Sister Becky please say amen!?" Hidden context clues: Jesus is packing? Just for reading that, you're going to hell.

You and yo' homie got ya own secret handshake? Ya like to help him manscape? Ya fam think you hitting it? Calling you homosectional slur terms? Don't trip. Tell 'em its a Rad Bromance!

For technicolor wigs and lacefronts [©Beyonceitis], visit BARRETTV on Youtube. For intense fuckery peep the vid above. I promise you life is over and the end is nigh, because suing people from YouTube on TV is the next "have a baby by Wayne, baby. Be a Young Money female recording artist". These niggas got 500 hunnid to appear on Christina's Court. Person Behind The Pimp is about to sue Solange* for emotional damages due to my paranoia that she is out to shut down my site.

SIDEBAR: Barret was supposedly suing Tiger Woods lil' brother**, but don't quote me on that.

*Jokes. Please don't sue me. I'm DEAD broke.
**More jokes. Tell me they don't favor each other though.

...news at eleven. But right now, let's talk about something that may actually happen.

Taylor Swift may snatch us all bald in 2010. Me. You. Yo' momma. Yo' cousin too. Why? Ion't know. Blame Kanye. Blame Beyonce. I mean, really. Blame them. Some drunk man gave a drunk rant on national TV about some Marmalade being did dirty and it aired back to back in one night and was scrutinized like a motor scooter the following days. INTO OBLIVION! Not that it got on our nerves or anything.

But that's neither here nor there.

Taylor Swift is blowing the fuck up. Don't get me wrong. Miss Swift was well on her way to super stardom... In her respective genre. She was killing the game. The country game. She was selling more than any other relevant, semi-relevant, and otherwise bitch in the game. Any game. Country. Hip-Hop. R&B. New Jack Swing. Jacks. Uno. House. Any game imaginable. Taylor's record "Fearless," available on iTunes, Amazon, and my trunk was selling. She was selling records. Selling 'em out! Fearless was selling out like Micheal Steele.

But that's neither here nor there nor Wal-Mart, where Fearless is also available.


Taylor was something to fuck with. Now naturally, if Taylor wished to sell music to a broader audience of people in this day and age, only one thing would have crossed the minds of the people backing her. Crossover appeal. Now I'm not sure if Fearless was that album or not, because I'm not big on my Taylor Swift or my country music. I've decided that country music isn't my cup of tea, much like time travel. Time travel is too close to yesterday and yesterday is too close to slavery, not saying country music is too close to slavery.

But that's neither here nor there nor Wal-Mart across from Planned Parenthood, down the street, where Fearless, Taylor Swift's CRITICALLY ACLLAIMED album is available for purchasing and leasing.


I keep digressing before I get the chance to get to my point. What this post is about is Grammy night. Beyonce is up for about most of the damn show. Taylor isn't too far behind, and that's quiet alright. She deserves it. She's doing what no other country star managed to do. Become relevant in music's forefront without being the butt of a joke by a majority. Hell, even Miley "Buss It Wide Open And Tell Her Bring The Best Of Both Worlds Back" Cyrus is becoming a lampshade* of her own self.

My problem is... Taylor's success was earned yet given to her. Kanye's antic caused many a motherfucker to pity Taylor. Now I don't know about you, but I know about us. Speaking on behalf of the fine people in the Chama Affialites, "You can take your pity and shove it." Pity is stupid. Sympathy's cool. Pity? Pity is what I feel for Ciara and LeToya. They working for it, but can't get it and they just look silly which makes me feel bad for 'em. Pity is what I feel for Usher's post-marriage career. Guesting on Gucci Mane tracks when you were once the shit in your own right(s)? I guess.

But that's neither here nor there nor Wal-Mart which is on the way to Planned Parenthood which is not too far from Checkers where the album's release party will be held. Hopefully. Which is where Taylor Swift's Fearless is being handed to those who purchase any combo meal on the menu.


Taylor has risen to stardom, respectively. Her backers have done well by her. Kayne did her a huge favor. MTV, The View, Ellen, Helen, Gellin', Melon all hyped up the affair, which seemed appropriate at the time, but in hindsight. I mean like... why? John Mayer said it best.

“If you just woke up now [after sleeping under a rock for a quarter decade Patrick Star style. -LCP] and you looked at the backlash on Kanye you’d think that he actually firebombed the stage."

I doubt we'd been this hateful towards bin Laden if we ever found him lounging in Sunshine Cab Company's garage, where he's really hiding. Okay, maybe not. But dammit the persecution of Yeezy would be the equivalent to the prosecution of bin Laden. I'm telling y'all! He is on the set of ABC's Taxi, chillaxing and shit!

But that's neither here nor there nor Wal-Mart some hundred miles outside of 30 Rockerfeller Plaza, which is surprisingly located near a Planned Parenthood, where Taylor Swift's album "Fearless" is being hocked by a street vendor.


I swear that's my last time digressing, you guys. The point is this... If another Taylor Swift beats Beyonce in a section of the award (if it's a questionable win)... I mean, let's dig up some old skeletons while we're at it. Beyonce won Video of the Year at the VMAs, yet she lost Best Female Video. If Beyonce had the best video overall, then by the transitive property she had the best female video. Matter fact... FUCK IT.

I digress. Yes, I digressed. I said I wasn't, but I lied. I digress.

If that shit happens again, believe you me. Taylor be nimble. Taylor be quick. Taylor gon' prove why they call her swift. Also Kanye is nom'd, but I'm sure they'll fuck him over since the world is not through torturing him. Anytime YT has a chance to torture the dark butts, YT does it.

*Lameshade hanging (or simply lampshade) - any element that threatens the audience's willing suspension of disbelief by calling attention to it... and then moving on. [SOURCE: TvTropes]

What kinda dream is this? Audio provided by Sam at Grape Juice. No grape juice if ya don't get loose!

SOUND BYTE: BEY KEYS - LOVE SONG

The Wig Crypt still hasn't found a single person to permanently fill Kizzy's void as co-managerial custodial spokeswoman and none of you nukkabitches filled out the job application. Unemployed? There's an APP for that.

1) What they call you in the streets? What would they call you on a VH1 show?



2) Are you here?

3) Are you there?

4) Are you Wal-Mart down the street from Planned Parenthood?

5) That's getting old right?

6) What does Sabor de Soledad taste like?

7) You don't know what I mean do you? Just draw a diagram.

8) Which team? Chris or Rihanna? Before you answer, I'd like to introduce you to my friend...


9) Do you know where I can find Felicia? She borrowed my DVD player and I just got Season 2 of "Go! Diego! Go!" and I wanna get into that fuckery real bad!

10) What kinda undiscovered beauty do you posses inside?

11) Are you tryna get verfied?

12) You'll be verified, as soon as I'm verified.

13) AZ Lyrics is on the phone. They want you to stop posting incorrect spellings on their site. Would you like to speak with them or shall I take a message?

14) Are you kin to a famous rapper? As of late, not like Kriss Kross famous. I mean like right now famous.

15) Is Lori Beth Denberg alive or what? I heard she was stabbed to deceasedment and I feel like the world went 'nanners after she left the chair on "Vital Information: For Your Everyday Life". While she was there, the young'ns had some fucking sense.

16) Also, after All That was "de-urbanized" did it not suck or what?

17) I want some animal crackers in the worst way. If I sent you to the store to fetch me something besides animal crackers what would you bring me?

18) If Kizzy came back and wanted her old job, how fast could you empty your desk and be pulling out of the House of Dereon Media Centre's parking lot?

19) If not Fresh, then who?

20) Caldonia? Define it.

21) Is it easy to love me now? Would you love me if I was down and out?

I blame the Internet for making music production software and licensed instrumentals of yesteryear so damn readily accessible.

Uncle Russell donates his two cents to the Tiger Wood's hoeshit epidemic that Alicia Keys brought to the forefront and Karrine pioneered. Before you read the quote, imagine him saying this with the heavy lisp, fat tongue, and barrage of curse words. I WILL NOT DO A LOST IN TRANSLATION, but I was tempted.

"A woman [no matter what race] will smash your windshield if she finds out that you got girls all over the country. Whether they use a golf club, a football helmet, a baseball bat or a preacher’s wife using a heavy cross… You can say hello to the guys at auto body shop for me." [SOURCE]

God is love. Rev Run.

I'll. be. damned. if. this. ain't. the. fuckery. to. end. all. fuckery. Get at him ladies. All that gutty is for y'all and I know you birds want a piece. This cat call himself Young Melo, but to me he's just the Creole version of Goo Berry. Team Chunk, come get ya fam.

And that's all I have to say about  that.

Good fuckery is hard to find and good fuckery is in order. If you're like me then you miss watching Frankie & Neffe buy furniture and kick down doors looking for Clyde. I don't know where Clyde is nor do I know when Frankie & Neffe is coming back... But at least I have YouTube.

Cherish the fuckery around the 1:47 mark. : )

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

The birth of Twitter's infamous Pachama Party was result of watching BET every Tuesday for a nice Tiny & Toya fuckery extravaganza. But this clip redefines everything I know and love about 'Chama and Tiny's speaking voice... The 1:55 mark is the UNDERSTANDING we all need.

Somebody give them a Pulitzer. Stat!

Thanks @ROBO3K. Hop in a cab and follow that car.

Still celebrating the 300th post of "The You Have No Life, Mystery Blogger Chronicles", so I thought I'd see a movie. It was a toss up between The Blind Side and Precious. I can't embed the trailer to either movie due to YouTube being a bitch, so I let the clip below decide.

Precious [say it like Gollum] for the win. Creole! When I link you to fuckery real good. Furthermore, get in THIS.

Thanks MJ.

But that's not the point of this post. This post is a celebration of progress because there was a time before Twitter where people could look past a pointless, stupid joke where somebody was "pimping her son" because "pimping runs in the family". And I KNOW that's true because "I knew proper capitalization and punctuation at the age of 3." Not sure what I'm talking about?

 CLICK THE PIC. Good times. Glad that's all "behind" me, though.

Welcome to the 300th post. While the jury is still out on whether I have a life or not, I thought I'd bring something different to the table. And by different I don't mean that lady called Mom. I mean Dollface.

If you thought B. Scott had a lock on the androgynous vlogger game somebody told you wrong. I would co-sign DollFace but he has a "Beyonce is Overrated" video so... Yeah. I won't spend all my "hard-earned time" on this for too long, but the shit abovve? Quoteables galore... Get into it before Frankie does.

GaGa is known for putting on bird's nest, zebra hair and a giant pacifier and calling it fashion, so until viewing this video I didn't know what her face looked like. And after seeing it, I'm sure I'm gonna die in seven six days a la The Ring. While you count the minutes 'til our [you watched too, don't lie], let's list things Gaga looks like by the face.

-CARIDEE ENGLISH
-BLOSSOM [But that's not in my OPINIONATION]
-Captain Hook
-The Candy Man's hook
-Something I saw in Happy Feet
-Johnny Cage's elbows
-Synclaire after a Vodka Stinger
-The key Queen Latifah wore around her neck on Living Single [I'm sure I read this in The Bocks about Lil' Kim's nose, but I'm not sure to whom deserves the credentials.]
-My Momma after a Sammy Sosa
-Pretty much Amy Winehouse but blonder and less emaciated
-The family of squirrels living in Winehouse's beehive

You see that? That's real ostrich fur. Only the best for my Creolians.

Over the weekend, I've heard Drake being called: a) a foot b) handsome c) a dog d) translucent. And the latter came from my mouth [RE: homerow key]. But has it bothered Big Wheel Brooks? Hell nah. This hound dog went hunting with Elmer Fudd and whatever avian animal they slaughtered, he got a fur coat out of the deal. And that's just one of the perks from being man's best friend.

Like FRESH, I, too, was watching I Want To Work For Satan 2 when this bald-headed fuckery came into my life. I was busy trying to decide whether casting purposely chose a girl named Ebony and a girl named Ivory, if Capricorn purposely put them on opposite teams, and enjoying Ebony's Caster Semenya-like steeze. That's not funny. Stop laughing. That girl is going through THANGS!

Ciara... I'm sick of telling you, so I won't even bother.

Readers, looka here.

Every now and again, we have to read. Read THIS. I'm serious. Read it. I will post the link two more times in hopes that you read it.

Read THIS.

Read THIS.


My client wants you to read it as well and he's only gonna ask once.

Hopefully, you've read it. Please tell me [in the comments] you weren't intimidated by length of the letter and immediately gave up the ghost. If so, I hate you. No really, I do. As a "writer", I know reading is fundamental. Before you talk shit, you must know what you talking shit about. Before I fix my mouth to diss a politician, rapper, singer, the person next door, I make sure I know what I'm saying and I can stand behind what I'm saying. Seldom I ever actually want to eat my words, because I wasn't well informed, but that's neither here nor there nor Planned Parenthood down the street yonder there somewhere.

What I'm saying isn't to get you to, y'know, read... even though you should. Reading isn't the point. The point(s) is [if this is in fact a real letter (where yo' source at, bruh!?)] Miss Patrick is so right. BET is a jet crashing, train wrecking mess of the minute. It's hard to not watch. Most of the programming on BET, 106 & Park for instance, I don't ever watch. The fuckery-filled reality shows? I'll plead the fifth. No, I won't. I watch it, dammit! And what!? I can't lie. It's entertaining. I know it's like the pork of TV to hypertension patients [no pun intended, Tiny]. It's bad for us. Point blank period. But I love pork chops, y'all.

I digressed again. If I never get my point across in this segment of The Lil' Creole Pimp Show, then I will hate myself. Still, I'll try.

BET, as well as other networks, is feeding us garbage. More mature viewers, who watch and can decipher what's what, it barely harms them. They may walk away from the experience with a funny new quote that'll become an inside-joke between friends. Our younger audience won't though. They'll walk away with a new attitude, often misconstruing what "message" was really being told. Young girls watched Tiny & Toya and didn't see Tameka and Antonia Johnson-Carter-who-the-hell-ever trying to get their own instead of relying on their rich, rap star providers. All they saw were the rich, rap star providers, wondering "How can I get me one?" and those niggas wasn't even in a single episode. Fellas watch 106 & Park and ONLY see rich, rap stars talking shit about shit that ain't really shit even though I morning jig to the same shit. Fellas aspire to be rappers instead of doctor-engineer-crocodile-hunters. Rap. A very unstable career. Rap. Why you wanna go and Flo-Rida!? I never understood that. To each his own.

I don't watch The Mo'Nique Show aside from the first few episodes [I was testing the waters, don't judge me], but I sense she means well. She won't teach many viewers anything other then scream, kick, punch, chop, block or basically PARAPPA THE RAPPER.

Yung Criollo: If I wasn't upset with white people... and Hurricane Chris... before this, then now I am.

JoriDior: He up there doing a whole lotta 'nothing... with a whole lotta something.

Yung Criollo: He's a Mac AND a PC.

JoriDior: He needed a wawter bottle, then he woulda went harder.

As Chris Brown's unofficial official life coach, I approve this message:

"While I respect Rihanna's right to discuss the specific events of February 8, I maintain my position that all of the details should remain a private matter between us... At this point, I am taking the proper steps to learn about me and grow from my mistakes... The rest I leave it to God..."  [SOURCE]

"I miss the shit outta Rihanna, so I approve anything she's saying but um... she still on that bullshit. At this point, I'm in anger management classes, I keep Virginia's highway systems spic and span, and my dam ain't nothing to sneeze at either... It's the God in me."

Don't get me wrong, I think the song is hot. I don't expect it from Robin. At all. Like Mike, TOO remember when he was just Thicke, looking like just Jesus... but eh... his music seems to find my good side so... Cut the check. Also, I'm feeling Thicki Minaj's music of late and her past joints, so... Thicke and Thicki Minaj on the track? I guess.

But the antics and the cutting up and the fuckery and mulatto follies in the control booth in this video!?

Grade A Fuckery. Sham fucking wowzers, Batman.

In the rare event you find yourself wondering if this site is pro or anti Beyawah, go flush yourself down the commode. Courtesy flush optional. You know I love my Tee-Tee and everything she buys me. Such as:

Poor 5Ton. Poor, poor 5Ton4Head. The opening words were jagged and shit. "This happened to me." I sighed a little. Much like Tee-Tee's, the accent [and the hair] distracts a wee bit. Allow me to digress. I wanted to do a lost in translation post, but the accent is just... Beyowulfesque. I'm on neither Team 5Ton4Head nor Team Autobuts, but the Decepticon is making it hard on my paycheck. As Pretty Chrissy's life coach, it's just difficult to compose this busy beaver when his world falls apart more and more.

I've tried it all.
I've tried buying him glue and Popsicle sticks for easy home repair jobs.
I've tried taking him to the arcade so he can beat the fat kids at Dance Dance Revolution.
I've tried busting the windows out his car and blaming the neighbors, so he can take his frustrations out on somebody, but I think that just resulted in another lawsuit, which I cannot talk about pending the upcoming trial.
I've tried stealing Miss Jay's bowtie collection from season 12 for him, but I can't talk about it pending the upcoming trial.

About the clip... I enjoyed Diane Sawyer's facial expressions though. I enjoyed 5Ton's turtle neck sweater dress. I wish she would have worn a turtle forehead sweater dress, but there's no such thing. Deep sigh. Before you go talking shit about me talking shit about this situation, think about this: If not for this, we may have never seen The Sadist wearing a color opposite to black. Digress.

Chris, I understand The Bajan, The Barbadian, The Boogerwolf is ruining your chances at a comeback, needless to say, she needs no help because you brought it on yourself BUT... don't let this eat at you. You are the best fucking fresh water mammal this side of R&B. Ne-Yo would have you, but dolphins exist in saltwater. That's about all the tips I got thus far. Put on your tap dancing shoes and you better Leyomi splat your way to the ballroom or something. Find a route and take it. Kizzy did. I wish I wouldn't have given her that advice... Bitch moved out on me. Now who supposed to warm up my Chef Boyardee!?

Career-wise, both of y'all fucked.

Start a family. Milk a goat. Eat a dick. And somewhere in between, find some time to kick it out. Doo doo doo da do da doo. Smart guy. Smart guy. It's very hard to take former child stars seriously, but if anything this is great promotion. Makes me wanna go watch Hounded.

...but we want Sue Sylvester.

We will have Sue Sylvester, Caucasians. You listen to me and you listen to me good. We see you watching Wendy Williams... You want her? Give us Sue and a 1st round pick. I'm so serious. That'll be all.

Somebody said something about giving away Frankie and 'nem. Do you wanna end the existence of the PACHAMA PARTY?

It's election time. So you know what that means. The race draft is here again! Confetti for everyone. Finally, a chance once a year to get rid of all you bad eggs. Other races will be happy to claim for you for a limited time, then they'll realize why we gave you up. No, this isn't racist. Confetti for everyone.

The race draft consists of three (3) rounds of bidding, two (2) rounds of counter-bidding and one (1) round of non-refundable trades. Right now, we have to campaign. It's a week away, Nov 10, and I've done a suck ass job of promoting it. I'm sure you know that Beyonce has a new video dropping Thursday so we got pushed back so she wouldn't annihilate our fun. But enough about that.

Bidding is self explanatory. A quote unquote race puts a person on the board for a specific person from another race that they would like to have. A trade, if you will. Counter-bidding. A person is unofficially agreed to be drafted only if another race is willing to trade them for somebody else. Example, "We'll take America Ferrera from the Latinos for the ballplayer formerly known as Chad Johnson only if the Caucasians officially give us Amber Rose." This example works out, because white people love them some Ugly Betty and us Blacks are really embarrassed by young Chadwick. We also think Amber is a bad bitch. We temporarily take in America as a black, until we can trade her in for Amber when counterbidding is applicable. Everybody wins. And the non-refundable trades are the reason we're stuck with the Clintons, Justin Timberlake, and Amy Winehouse. Non-refundable trades cannot be counter-bid or traded until the next draft year.

Right now, top 10 possible bids.