Okay... this story is SO crazy...
According to my homie COCOABELLA:
Prosecution's testimonies were suspended in light of this new addition to the trial.The man's name is Damon Pryor, and he is expected to completely discredit the prosecution's star witness' testimony. He is set to claim that it is in fact himself who is in the video-- not Kelly, and that he often posed as R. Kelly in order to sleep with young girls.
Ion't believe it one bit.
Some random nigrum is just gon' come out with it after about six years and go I'm guilty.
And at such a convenient time. Not the first... Not the second... But the third time the trial has been brought to court, this man finally drudged up enough courage to turn himself in?
R. Kelly ain't got that much money to make me do no nigorant shit like this.
Hopefully the jury got they side-eye game on smash. Because every word this nigrum spouts, I'd be looking at him like:
Crank that distinguished "you need to quit" side-eye.
Let the defense get all friendly with any young girls in the court room trying coax them onto R. Kelly's team. Crank that SEOD!
Over in the Afrosphere, we still partying from this past Memorial Day. It's not because we love whatever-the-hell Memorial Day s'pose to celebrate. We just love to barbeque and play that soulful music.
This week's theme for OSF: PHILLY SOUL.
If you don't know with Philly Soul is then you ain't on, and you need to sat down.
Mama, now I can't hate on this Photoshop. You owe TRISHA a few BUDGET BEYAKI WIGS because this album cover is better than SOME ALBUM covers I've seen.
But I will say... I went to wrap up those cheese sticks we had left over from our WILD NIGHT at the 40/40 Club in LV and we ain't had no aluminum foil. I know your wardrobe has to be "top notch" but you gon' have to go make groceries and replace the REYNOLDS HEAVY DUTY.
But ay... you ain't the doghouse yet. If I hear one mo' damn remix to I Decided, I'ma put you back in that BOX where you felt so claustrophobic.
First, peep exhibit A.
Kizzy, I know you think you bad. You ain't bad. You ain't nothing. Stop calling me out just because I got good aim and my hat is harder than it looks. Don't be putting me on blast in front of people.
Until further notice, my clique of gorillas in black tees will be on your ass like cum on Karrine Steffans in the midnight hour. Jokes galore. I hereby, (yep, I said hereby) encourage my clicque of gorillas in black tees to make a Kizzy post about whatever, saying whatever they like. I personally know it won't be the nicest post considering it's Kizzy.
I'm just joking. I love you, Kizzy. But you keep effing with my thug appeal and I'ma permanenatly replace you. Millie, you on deck.
EVEN THE GAY CROWD THINKS KELLY SUCKS.
Eff them Knowles peoples. I shall overcome.
The "Name Fake Baby Daniel" contest is hereby over because I was really slayed by the time I read the following:
danYe West by Brandon
The Crayon Crypt by Michelle (side-eye to Millie for sending in entries)
Rumpelpimpskin by Bex-N-Effect
Dannibal Lector by Bex-N-Effect
Auntie is a Camel Jockey by Mandy
Children of the Cornrows by Bex-N-Effect (I don't know who you is but we gotta talk about a possible partnership)
And honorable mention goes to Drewfizzle for having a "No Mouth Breevers" avatar along with the "Shanktastical" entry.
I honestly cannot pick a clear winner so I'ma use all of these from time to time but I will no longer credit myself as Baby Daniel and I discourage being called Baby Daniel by others. I am clearly not Baby Daniel. He's more intelligent and better at typing than me. Damn toddler know his homerow keys and I'm still over her pecking with my fingers. My official new name is the name that I've always went by: Lil' Creole Pimp. Peep the username [who the post was written by].
Hats off to all the entries though. I loved the fact that y'all participated.
Every now and then you gotta look back in that closet pull out you gym shoes and run like hell.
Yep. They done called the peoples on me!
Joking (hopefully)! I'm taking a few days off in hopes that the heat cools down because I think a certain group of people are up to "no-good" and in efforts to keep my freedom I gotta lay low for a few days. Can't say nothing too specific because I'm not trying to [sarcasm]"confess"[/sarcasm] to any wrong-doings, but I will say this. It's just comedy. Almost nothing I say "in-character" is true. To any and all newcomers and people that take shit too seriously, please pay attention to the new disclaimer to the left marked "Attention". I gotta cover my ass, somehow.
Long story short... don't expect a post for this week. MAYBE, I can swing by with some less than "characterally-involved" material for a day or two but don't hold me to that. I'm seriously in deep, hot shit.
And in efforts to keep things going hard and hoping that I can stay afloat I gotta make some changes 'round here. First change... NAME. And I'd like for y'all to help me with that.
Introducing... the "Name Fake Baby Daniel" contest!
In efforts to switch my style up I need a new name. Not just any name, though. I need a name that pertains to a certain individual that this blog is modeled after BUT NOT BASED ON! (All fiction here, people.) Info on it below:
1. Must have some damn sense. I don't need ignant-negros sending me mess like "Creole Nigga" or "Shank The Midget". Leave all that dumb mess on VH1.
2. Must provide a new, innovative name. Don't send in "Fake Baby Daniel". That shit got me in trouble, already. Please think. I don't want nothing plain, neither. If I wanted something plain I'd listen to The Undesirables. Please don't send me something that's been floating around the media (blogs, Internet sites, forums, TV, newspaper etc.) unless it's the bee's knees.
3. The name can be derived from Fake Baby Daniel's moniker with different spellings (i.e. Paris Hilton into Perez Hilton, Nicole Richie into Necole Bitchie).
4. The name can be a play on words. (i.e. Florida into Flo-Rida because he's from the state of Florida but he's taking about his lyrical ability or his tendency to "ride the flow"; I'm gonna hate myself for endorsing that nigga just then)
5. It's always a best if it's a geniuley hilarious name. Don't be afraid to be corny. Sometimes corny is funny. SOMETIMES!
6. Send all entries to the comment section of this post. DON'T POST AS "ANONYMOUS" because I will gladly disqualify you and get QUICK to send you a 8 x 10 of Amy Winehouse taking shots and holding babies.
Millie, if you don't get your ass back in the wig crypt I know something.
I don't know where you at or what you call yourself doing, but if you don't get back to the headquarters I'm be all in yo' shit like Steve Wilkos.
Play with me.
There's something big going on in the world today. No, not the NBA Playoffs, but I am rooting for both the Lakers and the Celtics to make it to the finals.
I'm talmbout the R.Kelly trial. Yes, it finally happened. It's been taking place for a few days (to my knowledge) but I ain't that deep into politicking and controversy so I kept my nose out of it.
But then I saw the tape.
What the eff? Nigga, that is YOU!
And it seems like The Pissy Pied Piper is getting desperate. This happened in today:
Kelly's lawyer Sam Adam Jr. has suggested that an alleged sex tape featuring the R&B star could have been created using the special effects technology from the film Little Man.
Kelly - currently standing trial on child pornography charges - saw his lawyer argue to the court that a video showing him allegedly engaging in a sex act with an underage girl may have been tampered with using computer graphics.
During the defence's cross examination of the victim's friend Simha Johnson, Adam asked the witness if she had seen the film Little Man.
He said: "They put the head of Marlon Wayans on a midget and it looked real, didn't it?"
Jamison replied "Not really!", causing the courtroom to erupt into laughter.
Is this for serious?
SIDEBAR: I'm just glad they got to him before that Hairbraider BS took off.
I don't deny it (the wedding). I just don't talk about it. We've never talked about us and it's kind of protected our relationship. I think it's kept us out of tabloid drama...A lot of actresses that have had successful relationships don't talk about them, so neither do I.I know some of y'all are drawing blanks and forming mental question marks so allow me to break it down by translating her Beyole [Creole + Beyonce = Beyole] into what she really was saying.
You ain't never saw me saying I ain't marry that boy. It's just that Ion't be running 'round running my mouf 'bout it. You ain't never seent us talking 'bout how we get down and how he lick-it-lick-it or how I slob. That's not something you tell folks. If you keep that to yourself, the relationship will last for an eternity like duhmonds. Them tabloids be all about that drama anyway and I ain't got time for that. You'on't never see Brad and Angelina talmbout, "I put my mouf on her junk and we ate this-and-that this morning for breakfast before leaving the house without combing Zahara's head." So I ain't gotta be talmbout my business neither.
Get it now?
A few of the bloggers from 'round the way have been criticizing your boy. Talmbout, "Juelz, why you always hatin' on folks? You ain't even old 'nuff to know half the folks you blog about."
I'm here to tell them what I lack in age/experience, I more than make up for in my kick-ass appeal to the masses and my ability to YouTube and Google folks.
But I seriously need to prove those popping hopping skip skopping laffy taffy heffas wrong... so I joined the ranks of "Old School Fridays"
This weeks theme:
Best Guitar/Bass Solo
Jimi Hendrix - Hey Joe Tienerklanken
[FRESH AND FAB]
[OPINIONATED BLACK WOMAN]
[REGINA'S FAMILY SEASONS]
[OVER ANALYZE IT]
[THE CHOCL8T DIARIES]
This ain't right y'all. This shit just ain't right.
Every time I tell myself, I won't blog today... something sends me running to check my e-mail/troll the blogs etc.
I told myself, "Juelz, chill out today, homeboy. Kick back, relax, watch a few episodes of The Wire or Boondocks. Sip that Armadale... Hell, you can even sip some Mad Dog 20/20. It's yo' world, young'n."
But something to me to check up with FRESH. This is what I found.
As for "No Kiss Assness... please hang up and try your call again, Joc.
FRESH, you know I'm camera shy!
- "What the eff am I throwing up?"
- "Why am I sitting in DONALD FAISON'S lap?"
- "Why am I sitting in Lil' Flip's lap?"
- "When did Flip cut his braids off?"
- "Why ol' boy got his arm 'round ol' dude?"
- "Get that finger out my face. I don't know where yo' hands been!"
- "Is this a window lickers convention 'cause these two niggas look certified?"
- "I bet not see Big Ton in here."
- "It's so mighty funny these nigrums taking me to sporting events, but WHERE MY DADDY AT?"
"Hell the fuck nah! Ain't that 'bout a bitch and then some!"All I gotta say to Big Ton is we ain't friends no mo'. You seemed cool at first, y'know... 'cause you was into grand theft auto (I'm not talking 'bout the game) and granny-beating... But banging with Bobby? You must be constipated and want him to pull some dookie-logs up out ya.
I don't care. Whatever the case is... you can't roll with me no more homie. I can't have Zahara in that kind of environment.
For those of you who copped a NO BITCHASSNESS shirt... Fuck yourselves in the ass with a sick dick. I woke up today and decided I was quite tired of Diddy. I also needed to get back at Fake Janice Combs for taking all my money in a poker game but that's another story. Gimme back my $4.50 Janice Combs or I'll pour Eye of Newt juice in your wig. My momma needs her gas money. I ain't playing!
Immejitly, I thought she was tryna overthrow my tee-tee. But of course, that's not gonna happen so ain't no need in pull out the army guns.
BUT... Teyana can kill a performance, no doubt. And that thicky chick she got dancing with her... SHE GOT A DONK! Watch out Serena! Real talk, at first I thought thicky chick was gon' upstage Teyana but I see they compliment each other. Teyana need to make thicky chick her permanent backup dancer for life.
Now I ain't usually one to sponsor, promote or ya know "not shank" somebody... but Teyana gets the thumbs up. I gotta put her on my "Dolla Menu". Hint Hint.
As for the performance?
Acapellas on the intro... tight.
WHERE YOU AT, MOMMA? WHERE YOU AT? ALL THEM MONIES POP POP SPENT ON VOCAL COACHES? WHERE YOU AT?
Choreography... in sync, on point.
WHILE YOU SO BUSY...SHAKING IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE YOU NEED TO HOLLA AT FATIMA ROBINSON, CIARA, BOOM KAT, CHILI, ROBIN ANTIN OR SOMEBODY WHO CAN AT LEAST POPLOCK?
Rap skills? Flowing like water.
MOMMA, YOU NEED TO GET UP ON THAT LLAMA, KID SISTER, TEYANA TIP AND QUICK. TALKIN' BOUT YO' CHOCHA, KITTY KAT, STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE, BOOTY, AND SAYING "PUSSY SMELL LIKE WATER" ON THE TRACK IS OFFICIALLY OUTDATED. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE SING/DANCE/RAP COMBO, PROVING MISSY ELLIOT IS STILL LIGHTYEARS AHEAD OF THE GAME.
Momma, if you don't boss up then I won't have any other choice but to disown you. Or at least divorce you. Kids can do that nowadays. And if you don't let me divorce you, then I 'll get my boy BIG TON to beat you up at Wal-Mart. He'll do it.
So I got outta preschool today and decided to troll the black blogosphere. BAM!!!! Fresh broke my damn heart. Putting up pictures of Lil' T.I. My new nemesis. Talmbout he got a new baby brother. Eff that! The naggah stole my Nintendo DS and took my only two dollar bill out my baby book. I had to bring it to class for show and tell. Here I go thinking, "It's safe at Buttons, Bows, & Barettes. Don't nobody there be stealing." Somebody made a fool out of me.
We gon' fight one day. Mark my words. I'ma hit up Granny, ask her to bless me with that divine power if you get my drift. Turn a couple of y'all hoes into applesauce and blind Mongolian zebras.
Think I'm playing?
My tee-tee need to stop frontin' and put some beans in that oven so I can get a new shanking partner that share my bloodtype. Meaning: a relative. I'm tired of running 'round with BIG TON. He attract too much attention. But like I said, Tee-Tee lay on ya back and let Unc get on his job. 'Cause we all know ain't nobody checking on this ONE.
SIDEBAR: Eyebrows, anyone?
So my shanking homie, Latarian Milton (Big Ton is what we call him 'round the way) stopped stealing his Granny's car but started beating her ass this past week in your local Wal-Mart.
I ain't really tryna touch on this sticky subject 'cuz my granny reads this blog and she'll beat the shit outta me if I vote yes on "granny beating" and "cooning in the Wal-Mart"... so I'ma just say this:
What the eff they evaluating his mental health for? My Pop-Pop would've just sent me to Joe Jackson's house for a day or two. I woulda stacked some cinderblocks and got hit with shoes until I learned my lesson.
But knowing my Granny, she woulda just fought back if I hit her in Wal-Mart. She woulda picked up some turnip greens and a pack of hogmogs and beat the breaks off my red ass. But on some real shit, I woulda held up for mines.
- Red fuck me pumps? Check.
- Jeans painted on? Check.
- Booty you can building a rollercoaster on? DOUBLE CHECK!
I got a open, half-eaten pack of Now and Laters for whoever can tell me where that quote is from.
Like Soulja Boy say... SHE GOT A DONK!
Please comb Zahara's hair. It's starting to look like you don't care.
I took her to Chuck E. Cheese's yesterday and when they brought us our pizza she throw a Grade A fit. Talmbout, "I found some hair in my food and dat ain't sanitary!" I was too embarrassed and didn't have the nuts (I ain't tryna get shanked) to tell her the hair fell out of her head. I was TOTALLY embarrased. She caused the biggest scene in the world. Got up on top of the table and started cussing and clicking and speaking in tongues.
As a result, we're not allowed back in any Chuck E. Cheese's in the northeast but she likes their pizza and I plan on bringing her down south, meet the family, and taking her to Houston's local Chuck E. Cheese.
Angelina, do me a HUGE favor. Send Brad to Sally's Hairstore on the corner... tell him to walk in, and ignore the Korean lady. DON'T TRY TO DECIPHER WAS SHE'S SAYING!!! It's usually something like she saying, "Welcome to store. You have money? Good. Very good. Very good pussy." Knowing him he may try to file charges or something. Tell him to tune her out and go to the aisles in the back. He should find beaucoups of barettes back there. Buy 'em all. In all colors... so she can be coordinating. When you get them DON'T TRY TO APPLY THEM TO ZAHARA'S HAIR YOURSELF!!! Call up TRISHA (known for her Photoshop work) and get her to plait it up for ya.
I don't want to see my baby girl looking toe up no mo'. Got her looking like crows taking flight off her dome and shit. The fuck?
And you better take my advice... because you wouldn't wanna cross me.
Cassie's been fucking for tracks this whole time. Diddy and Cassie got snapped all hugged up somewhere where stone statues and trees and found.
I can't even lie. I'm more interested at what they're looking at then what the 'razzi done snapped up. I'm just telling it like it is.
I can finally add Cassie to the Undesirables. I guess that works out for the both of us then.
SIDEBAR: What the fuck is GStyle?
This bitch done stole my crayons and my momma's stylist. Let me catch her on the street. I'll mollywhop her just as God made Moses (stealing another one of Granny's quotes).
Or I could just sick SOLJA GIRL on her.
SIDEBAR: Even from the back, she looks brolic.
Grade A Fuckery presented by Public Access TV and Colonics
This makes me wanna ask my granny about the birds and the bees.
SIDEBAR: Alexyss K. Tylor is a beast all by her lonesome, but add her son to the mix and shit will fly. No pun intended. That boy do sound sweet as hell. Pour him in a pitcher of water and you got grape Kool-Aid. Oh yeah... I took it there.
So Suge Knight got what was coming for him last Saturday at the club.
I ran up on the fool and hit him with a few jabs to the knee area. He fell so damn hard, people in Japan felt the ground tremor and shit.
And Ion't 'preciate how the media talmbout they [his crew full of fuckboys and lackies] threw me on the ground and stomped me? A LIE!!! Kizzy had my lightweight. But on some real shit , what she lacks in album sale ability, she more than makes up for in street fightership.
But in hopes that Suge will forgive me and give me free studio time and street cred due to affiliation, I won't blacklist him... THIS TIME!!!
I'll post how it happened tomorrow... 'cause I'm up way past bedtime!
 Where props are due. On some real shit, I hate that shit too.
Every now and then, I gotta step outta character and put y'all up on game...
Guess who's back?
FAKE JANICE COMBS!
And she is killing y'all hoes something proper. After a few days absent from the imitator-blog scene, I figured that something in the Similac wasn't no parts of fresh, but BAM... all this time she been guarding the future First Lady.
Gone girl... Getcho' Purple Heart and yo' honorary cabinet seat as "HBIC Of The Interior"! Gotta love it.
Bit of advice to my readership... before you click the link prepare to be slayed... especially by this part.
Once a week, we airlift some Harold's Chicken Shack wings and Lem's BBQ center cut slabs in from Chicago for her on my fractional ownership FlexJet. One time we picked up some chitlins and oxtails from Moo n Oink and Cissy cooked them up and Michelle like to shouted.
Why serve Chrianna? Why, Colonel? Why?!?!?!
That's why the Knowles family fucks with Popeyes. We can get people who know not to serve 5Ton4Head and her crew with our Bonafide chicken and wild rice at Popeyes. Fuck yo' Popcorn Chicken. Fuck yo' Popcorn Chicken.
NECOLE... WHY? WHY YOU GOTTA PARTAKE IN THIS PUBLICITY LOVE?
I am THIS close to blacklisting somebody from my clique of gorillas in black tees.
After a good eleven years at playing "crouching plastic surgery, hidden face at birth" Lil' Kim's natural look has finally emerged. I'm feeling this natural look. She don't look like Homey The Clown right now... so I'm giving her a gold star and a green light. Does anyone else think she favors Oprah a just little bit in the pic above? Maybe she's just smiling with her eyes.
My only question is... what happened to the Asian-lady mask she was wearing?
So today, the sixth of May two thousandth and eight, my ex-Bust It Baby FRESHLEY SNIPES celebrates that big 2-3. Yep, she's 23 today so there won't be a post today. We plan on hitting up every club from Idlewild to Savannah. I flew my Dereon-lined jet plane to Georgia and made a five day weekend just to kick it with baby girl. She won't join the my highly qualified line of "employess" but I'm still working on getting her a "membership".
But anyways... if you're interested about how the rest of the week may play out here's the scheduled itinerary:
Tuesday, 5:40 PM - I would have been done posting this post by then and on my way to my private hangar.
Tuesday, 5:59 PM - Me and my clique of gorillas dressed in black tees set foot on the tarmac. We bring Kizzy along (roll eyes here) to iron our drawz and throw away all prophylatics. Cause after we do what it do, we pull 'em off and throw the babies on the wall if you get my drift.
Wednesday, sometime after midnight - We arrive in Atlanta... I meet NECOLE BITCHIE at the terminal. She probably won't be too happy to see me considering I took a bat to her mailbox for sending me chain letters via text message.
Wednesday, 1:13 AM - I arrive at the Motel 6, pissed off cause Kizzy booked my at a Motel 6. Knowing I said the Sheraton, but she so used to staying at Motel 6's during her "tours" she booked it by habit.
Wednesday, 1:14:26 AM - I throw Kizzy's Chinese plate from The Wok on the ground and stomp all over it. Yah! Bitch! Yah! I briefly turn in for the night.
Wednesday, 3:49 AM - Fresh hits up the celly questioning my whereabouts. I ain't used to answering to nobody (not even my Momma)... so I go off. I come to find out that she's been partying all-damn-day with KID FURY, J, FAKE JANICE COMBS and the chicks from ALL THAT'S FAB. She also clues me in that I'm "late" and I was s'posed to be in the A Monday. Turns out Millie (who was in charge of booking my flight) got the dates wrong and I'm a day behind.
Wednesday, 3:56 AM - I cancel the whole trip and hop the first flight back to Houston (Home of The Wig Crypt) to personally put my foot in Millie's ass.
So I don't plan on being gone for long. Knowing Millie's and Kizzy's previous fuckups (flops they call albums), I won't be surprised if they ruin my little trip.
Anyways... keep it pimping.
I ain't saying I wouldn't trust y'all with this year's presidential election but I wouldn't trust y'all with this year's presidential election.
Just when I think I was gonna git to grill Noxema Jackson (if ya nasty) for not paying taxes for three years, a surprise come-from-behind-win gives Llama the GoSatchoAssDown Award.
Who Really Needs A GoSatchoAssDown Award?
A. Angelica Knowles (for running her mouth) - 24% (44 votes)
B. Robin Antin (for "Girlicious") - 16% 31 (votes)
I won't even dig Llama a new one because her L.I.F.E. video speaks some realness. I mean it ain't HEAVY VEE, but still she did a'ight. The morning hair weave at the kitchen table KILT me, though. But I will go easy on her because I just found out she lost her mom last year.
LIL' MAMA - "L.I.F.E"
You could smell the fuckery and bitchassness (I promsie I'll stop saying that) in the air as Puff The Magic Dragon received his star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame. Bear with me as I roll my eyes, for this IS NOT a sign of homoness but it is a sign of wishing these niggas would go sit down. People hate on me 'cuz I got that pimping in my bloodline, but they gave this fool a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame just because he pimped a few "lucky" contestants in numerous musical competitions on MTV. Don't throw no shade about that whole "early-to-mid '90s Bad Boy mess. You know the YTs never cared for Puff back then.
But that's not my aim today. My aim is squeezing the air out of Justin's lungs. That ninja stole my apple juice at lunch one day. I damn near lost my religion.
Here are some tidbits that floated through my dome after seeing this pic:
- Do all of these kids belong to Puff?
- Just when you thought fucking for tracks was the lowest of all lows, Kim Porter invents fucking for Red Carpet appearances.
- What make Justin SO special that he get to wear a darker-colored khaki suit?
- How come the dark-skinned dude can't get a S-Curl? Whycome y'all won't let his soul glow? I mean DAMN... Only Creolians get to single out people and make them fade into the background.
- Whycome them girls hair still SO short? Damn... I'm one to talk.
- Seeing Diddy with all these kids make me wonder: Where MY daddy at?
And Janice Combs.... whenever you are BACK IN BUSINESS, my granny will be readily waiting. Take that!
And I thought fucking for tracks could be so dangers? And I thought only thing she had to worry 'bout was the nasty lady's disease.
There's a meeting in my bedroom. And please girl don't be lay-ay-ay-ate! We can make love between the sheets. I can put you up on some game. Have you biting Jamie Lynn Spears' style if you get the drift.
I get the fact, that Hannah Montana had to get sexy on 'em real quick but damn juke... but why Disney tryna get rid of her WITH THE QUICKNESS?
Usher has hailed fellow singer Chris Brown as a younger version of himself...
...He says, “All of this young energy is great for the industry. Chris is the guy who dances and sings, which is a lot like I do and did as a young artist as well. If time serves us correctly, and artists are continuing to better themselves, then hopefully he’ll follow the same path that I did.”
Last time I saw an ego this big it was on Janice Dickinson. Tee-Tee was s'posed to be doing a photoshoot with Sports Illustrated and Janice Dick-in-the-mouth gone say some stupid about Tee-Tee "never gone be a big supermodel". Last time I saw Janice's ego... it was rolling on the floor along with her weave and collagen lips after my granny beat that woman like an old rug.