The Undesirables Speak: Part III

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags: ,

Some more of the interview that's exposing my family has leaked. I'ma strangle whoever is Deepthroating (get yo' mind out the gutter) this mess.

One major downside to Beyoncé's rise to fame was the demise of other folks' career. One girl in particular has felt a ton of hardships since Beyoncé has taken over and decided to speak out. Here's what she had to say… part III.

Us: You seriously thought about going back to his room with him.

Ashanti: Hell no! For starters, he's a married man. He smelt like Ben- and he was drooling Alka-Seltzer. And last but not least, he was tryna kiss up on my neck in the club and his mustache fell off and landed into my bra.

Us: You've gotta to be kidding me!

Ashanti: It's the truth. Worse than that time Micheal Jackson's nose fell into my soup at an Oprah get-together.

Us: Are you serious?

Ashanti: If I'm lying may Ms. Kelly: The Platinum Underground Tri-Release go platinum. He even tried to fish it out with his sausage fingers.

Us: Who? Micheal? He did?

Ashanti: No! Matthew.

Us: Oh. Makes more sense. Michael? Women's boob? What was I thinking?

Ashanti: Yeah, but... I just yelled rape. And I yelled and I yelled. And my boyfriend's homeboy Murphy Lee came up outta nowhere and hit him in the face.

Us: Wait a minute. Stop! So you're telling me Matthew Knowles got the fighting with Murphy Lee?

Ashanti: Yeah. Matthew thought he was Ali or somebody tryna rope-a-dope. He one two stepped and broke his baby toe.

Us: What? How'd it end?

Ashanti: The club owner made them take it outside. So Matthew was all in the parking lot 'bout to have a heart attack. The police came through and we all dipped.

Us: So what's Murphy Lee have to say about it?

Ashanti: I don't know. Matter of fact, that's the last time I saw Murphy.

Matthew and Murphy Lee fight and Murphy Lee suddenly drops off the face of the earth. Coincidence? I think not. I wanted to get down to the bottom of Matthew's crazy night in the club but sadly, I had to let Ashanti get back to her shift at Mac's Gas Station. I tried contacting Mya again but somehow she mysteriously disappeared. I visited Circuit City but her supervisor told me she hadn't been to work in several days. She also said and I quote, "To tell the b.itch she still owes me a copy of Liberation and I know she wore my Wonder Woman outfit to that costume party last Halloween without my permission." But I digress. Eager to unravel this mystery, I spoke with one more artist.

Us: Amerie, I'm so happy you could join us.

Amerie: It's my pleasure…

Us: What have you been up to?

Amerie: Well, I'm about to head into the studio and start working on my next album entitled "The Vagrant's Monologue: Will F.uck For Tracks."

Us: Sounds hot.

Amerie: Yeah, go cop that. And I just finished my world tour, this past year.

Us: You had a world tour in '07?

Amerie: Of course. I did a few TV spots in America and tagged that as the North American leg and then I ventured south past Antarctica to a faraway land called Bashonka Island.

Us: Bashonka Island?

Amerie: Yeah, the Bashonkan people really love my music. I'm number one of all of their charts. I get GREAT airplay there.

Us: Bashonka Island?

Amerie: Yeah, beautiful island. Beautiful beaches and palm trees. Never rains. No natural disasters. It's quite the getaway.

Us: You mean to tell me you visited an island that receives no rain but still it finds a way to maintain palm trees. You visited an island that's in the middle of the ocean SOMEWHERE, but it still has never been struck by a natural disaster such as a hurricane?

Amerie: Correct.

At this point, I started to question how authentic her interview would be.

Us: Moving on… I've interviewed several people and they've all informed me about Beyoncé's Legion of Doom. Do you know anything about them?

Amerie: Do I? It's cause of them my career has been through hell and back. I'm still lucky to have my legs.

Us: What can you tell us about the Legion of Doom?

Amerie: Stay the hell outta they way.

Us: Feel free to elaborate.

Amerie: Solagne: ghetto.

Us: Elaborate.

Amerie: Solange. Ghetto as a group of project kids using a beat-up mattress for a trampoline.

Us: And?

Amerie Kizzy? Ignorant. She just can't see that Matthew is her daddy.

Us: Um…

Amerie: I mean follow me on this one. If you take a picture and line up Kelly's nose with Matthew's nose, throw in the skin tone and the take of Matthew's fake mustache they look just alike.

Us: Can we get back on topic?

Amerie: Sure… But now that we speak of Matthew there was this one time…

Us: He was in the club with a lemon-lime suit on with coat tails and a silver cane looking a hot ass mess and he stepped to you with a story about arguing with his wife. He wanted to make her jealous by taking you back to the motel room with him and as a favor he'd make sure your career was successful.

Amerie: Nah, what the fluck is you talmbout?

Us: Just asking.

Amerie: But there was this one time at the BET Awards in 2006.


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