Wedding Bells & Brawls Pt 2

Lil' Creole Pimp Filed Under: Tags: , , , ,

Lately, a pimp has been getting a helluva 'lotta flack from his peeps. Why? Because I been so tight-lipped 'bout my Tee-Tee's wedding. Folks be running up to me asking questions like: "Baby Daniel, what color was the dress?" "Baby Daniel, what song did they have to first-dance of off at the reception" "Baby Daniel, was Mama Tina really so sloppy drunk that she slapped the fire out of LaTavia for sneezing during the exchanging of vows"

Answers: Freakum beige. Tootsie Roll. And HELL YEAH!

But for my peoples still left in the dark, it went a lil' something like this:

12 NOON - Beyoncé arrives at the venue.

12:26 PM - Jay-Z arrives at the venue smelling like Armadale & Newports. Matthew requested that the guest please excuse this because they were just getting back from the bachelor party.

12:34 PM - Granny burns Millie with a cigarette for asking can she go to the bathroom when she was supposed to be on wig brushing duty.

1:06 PM - Solange is frantically dialing every number in her Samsung B'Phone trying to call Kizzy (who was AWOL). She even calls Lumidee (remember her) and cusses her out for having a Rhianna callback tone. Don't nobody got time to "Mamasay Mamasah Mama Koosa" when they trying get a signal.

1:32 PM - Pastor Gitya Munny Wright arrives and blesses the altar with his holy annoitnedness. He then sees one of the bridesmaids and demand that she "drop and give him fifty"

1:33 PM - One bridesmaid quits on the spot claiming the Pastor told her to "put her right hand in the air, put the left one in her underwear and tickle her cat".

2:03 PM - The church starts to fill as guest arrive. I, Baby Daniel, had to be there fashionably late so people could see the new spinners I bought for my tricycle. I enter the church and start to fulfill my usher/ringbearer duties.

2:10 PM - Usher shows up and replaces me as the head usher.

2:12 PM - I phone Brooklyn Beckham and Jaden Smith (Will Smith's son) and tell them to egg Usher's car before the ceremony is over with.

2:15 PM - Granny comes down the aisle wearing her turquoise/lemon-lime freakum short set and her Applebottom Jeans and boots with the fur. The whole congregation was looking at her. She sat in the front pew. Next thang we knew... she turned to Jay's family and said fuck you and you and you and you and you and you etc.

2:30 PM - The organ begins to play the wedding march.

2:36 PM - Zahara comes down the aisle throwing rose petals.

2:37 PM - Millie comes down the aisle throwing maple leaf branches.

2:38 PM - LaTavia comes down the aisle tossing cactus parts.

2:40 PM - Grandady throws his left Stacy Adam at LaTavia for poking him with a cactus "accidentally".

36 seconds later - Kizzy shows up with a bottle of Mad Dog in a brown paper bag wearing a tye-dye tube top singing "Stop In The Name of Love". I "quietly escort her back into the wig crypt. See what happens when you let laborers out.

I sorta fell asleep in Granny's lap afterwards. By the time I woke up Tee-Tee was already at the altar wearing a veil that was appropriate sized to cover her head but too short to cover her wig. The nuptials and vows and what-have-you's took place here. Tee-Tee said something about brushing Uncle Jay's fur everyday and how much she was gone love him until the end of time. She even broke out into song. Uncle Jay said something about buying her a lifetime supply of Popeye's and hitting her with that camel hump on the daily. I still don't know what that means.

And there you have it. Any questions?

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