Dear Journal / Mya Speaks

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It's been awhile since I done wrote in this journal. Ain't really been out the house none last month. Momma put a thug on punishment for doing something bad. I kicked Kizzy down a flight of concrete stairs. Oh well! So what? She was thinking too loud. A thug needs his concentration levels to be locked in on 100% at all times. I kicked it with the old crew again. It's a whole new month (off-a probation... I mean punishment) and I can finally chill with Zahara and Brooklyn Beckham again. Me and Brooklyn was beefing for a minute; but now we back cool. We was behind on our list of lames that got blacklisted so you know we had to get Chris Brown first. I ain't gone say too much but next awards show that fool show up to he gone be making a track and a dot (some old school stuff my granny be saying)... And I piled the phonebooks up and drove Momma's '81 Maxima while Brooklyn worked the gas and breaks. We went riding, riding past Mya's house because the chick been running her mouth about my grandaddy. I ain't too sure on the details but a homie of mine sent me the following via e-mail:

Many fans of Beyoncé have always followed her, from her humble beginnings (Destiny's Child) to her current superstar status. A lot of great things have happened since Beyoncé put the R&B game in the chokehold, but very few know the down-sides to it. One major downside: other folks' career. One girl in particular has felt a ton of hardships since Beyoncé has taken over. That girl is Mya. A never before interview of Mya speaking out against Beyoncé's reign has surfaced.

Us: Mya, we appreciate you coming out here today and talking with us.

Mya: Oh, it's cool. I had to drop off my lil' cousin Scooter at school today and after that I ain't had nothing better to do.

Us: Why not? You're a Grammy Award winning artist. Surely, you're schedule is full.

Mya: It is full! On Monday mornings I gotta get up at 5AM and go to Pizza Hut and work an eight-hour shift before I go to ShaNeequa's Day Spa & Finger Wave Salon.

Us: And what do you do there? Style hair, I suppose?

Mya: Uh-uh nah… I hand out warm towels and clean the pubic hairs out of the shower drain. You gotta be a certified beautician to style hair and I ain't take the time to get my license.

Us: Why not?

Mya: I was too busy fucking Sisqo. It was an ALL-DAY JOB.

Us: Moving on… So tell us why you're sorta heated about Beyoncé's fame.

Mya: It ain't her fame that I'm heated about. It's her Legion of Doom that concerns me.

Us: Legion of Doom?

Mya: Yeah, guh! You'on't know?

Us: No, I don't think I do. Can you please elaborate?

Mya: Well, Beyoncé is a kind-hearted, warm compassionate individual. It's her family that you gotta watch your back around.

Us: What do you mean?

Mya: For starters, that daddy of hers. He a mess. Shysty motherfucker. I 'member one time a few years back, I think it was 2003 cause that Chingy song Right Thurr had came out and I had got my hair croquet braided with the 1b/30 hair coloring…

Us: Um… what does Matthew Knowles have to do with this?

Mya: Oh yeah. My fault… See her daddy was a shyster. We was in the club doing the chickenhead and in came this old fella wearing a lemon-lime tuxedo with a bow tie some coat tails, guh. Looking a hot mess. And he had a stainless steel cain, guh. Swearing up and down he was fine.

Us: I take it that was Mr. Knowles.

Mya: Oh yeah. It was him.

Us: What was so shysty about him?

Us: He was all on me that night. He said and I quote, "My wife mad at me cause I told her that her "Going to the casino Easter Sunday" wig made her look like Boogawolf." Asking me to come back to his hotel suite with him so we can make her jealous. Trifling, good for nothing type of brother. Told me if didn't then he'd make sure my career go down the drain.

Us: That's awful.

Mya: I know, right?!?!?! I shoulda went back to his room with him.

Us: What about the others in the Legion of Doom?

Mya: Oh, they just as shysty as he is. Like that Mama Tina. That woman done put roots on me. I just know she did. Everybody talmbout I'm running 'round acting crazy cause *making air quotes* "ain't no such thang as voodoo" but I shit you not, ever since my encounter with her in the Kroger's parking lot my left breast hangs lower than the right one.

Us: Okay… let's move on. What about Solange.

Mya: Don't even bring her up. She ain't no types of good. I went to the club with her and Kelly one time and LeToya Luckett was there. Her song "Torn" has just dropped and everybody was liking it, so I went up to Toya to congratulate her. Solange sat there and called me out my name just for that.

Us: What she call you?

Mya: She gone say and I quote, "Why you over there making nice with the enemy? You know we came here to jump her and you wanna go get in where you fit in. Well, let me tell you this here you bucket-head heffa. If you so as much flex a coochie lip when we start swinging on her and if you don't help us, I swear fo' living God that ass belong to me." I mean damn Solange, I ain't no bucket-headed heffa.


The computer froze up before I could print out the rest. I was in the Wig Crypt working on Kizzy's old Windows 98 eMachine. Cheap ass shit.

One mo' thing before I dip out... I'm sending a cease and desist to the booty hole blowers that's giving my chick Necole Bitchie ALL THIS STRESS. Let a bitch (her name; not my words) blog. Don't make me go in the back of that glove compartment and pull out that Desert Eagle.

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