The Queen of B.C. herself, Lil' Mama has the balls (literally) to parade up and down through TRL wearing my Crayolas. Something in the Similac ain't too fresh 'bout this one. Stealing from lil' kids is wrong, Niatia.
Gimme back my 64 pack with all the colors in place. There better not be a tickle me pick or a indigo sky out of place, neither. Cross me and I'll pistol whip you and err'body you crossed the Red Sea with.
I gotta stop and rant real quick. I be on my thug-nizzle. Don't be hurting nobody (sometimes). But I only hurt people that hurt me first. Old lady from down the street sprayed me with her water hose because I kicked her mutt the other day. Mutt shouldn'ta shitted on my G-Nikes. So I got my homeboy to ride on that pissy pooch.
Police say a 7-year-old South Florida boy faces grand theft auto charges after taking his grandmother's Dodge Durango for a joyride.The eight minute trek left a swath of damage in his Palm Beach Gardens neighborhood Friday. The boy smashed mailboxes, hit parked cars and signposts. He was unhurt.Police say he literally drove until a wheel fell off. The right front wheel, to be exact, which broke off after the boy hit a sign. The boy's mother says he apparently grabbed the keys to his grandmother's sport utility vehicle, backed it out of her driveway and took off.
That muhfucker couldn't drive for shit... If I woulda waved a Lil' Debbie Cosmic Brownie and a Strawberry Faygo in his face I bet he would've did it right. He drove like a salad bar was chasing him. When we scraped into the Geo Metro I was like, "Whoa... chill out dude." But when he was finna ram into the Hummer I jumped out the window. Last time I get him to do hoodrat shit for me.
I guess what they say is true. Want something done right? Do it yourself. If I commend him for anything, it's for adding a whole new meaning to "rock this motherfucker 'til the wheels fall off"
So it's come to my attention that SOME people find this site offensive. Oh well. Shoulder shrug. Some people find cursing offensive but still use the Lord's name in vain. Hyprocrites are having the best week ever and throwing shade on me for writing a blog.
Time to get serious.
Some people are thinking Solange runs this site and is pimping her son (Matty Knowles-style). Of course Solange isn't running this site. Kelly Rowland is behind this whole charade. She uses her lunch breaks from the Wig Crypt and hides in the Freakum Dress closet with Jay-Z's iMac notebook and blogs her ass off.
KIDDING!!! Of course it's Solange who's behind all of this. She's the same person making fun of EVERYTHING she does. Every Solange related posts has made a mockery of Solange's musical ventures. Of course it's Solange. Who else would do that?
For those thinking Solange is pimping Baby Daniel, peep the disclaimer.
Now some other people think it's just ungodly for someone to call a 3-year old a pimp. Sorry... but I wasn't the first to call Daniel a pimp. The media gave him the nickname "Lil' Creole Pimp"... Sue the shit outta me for being a follower. I'm not a snitch but if I were, I'd blame FRESH. She literally e-held a gun to my head and said, "Ay, bitch. Stop calling him Daniel. It's Lil' Creole Pimp, ho. You better recognize!" Some people. SMDH.
I'm not portraying him as a pimp. I'm portraying him as a ho. I'm hoing his name up and down the Internet. And he don't bring me no money. I should fire his ho ass. Ain't doing me no good. I'm STILL just as broke as I was when I started doing this thing a month ago. No wait... I'm not pimping him. He's pimping me. Think about it. I won't even explain it. Just wrap that around your head until you catch a migraine.
I understand the moniker "pimp" represents a very negative individual but I'm not displaying it on this site. In fact only ONE post on this site displayed Baby Daniel doing any type of pimping. And it was grade A pimping to match all that grade A fuckery.
And last but not least... people they're just jokes. Until the day Matthew Knowles twists his yaki mustache and writes a cease-and-desist and delivers it via airmail, I'm continuing the shenanigans. Like or love it. 'Cause if you like it then I love it.
For all the people who are too pissy, sensitive, conservative, tenderheaded, weak-stomached, pussy, bitch-made, scary, slew-footed, knock-kneed, pigeon-toed, bowlegged, and/or just plain stupid please refer to the disclaimer. Afterwards, stop coming here. If it fucks yo' nerves over so much petition Matthew Knowles. Hell, petition Tina Knowles... she'll put a spell on me like no other.
5TON4HEAD - "TAKE A BOW"
How ya like them apples?
This shit was incredibly boring... I was hoping you'd put Pretty Chrissy in this clip. It woulda been exciting to see you run him over in the luxury convertible. I guess what my granny says is true.
"You can wish in one hand and shit in the other... see which one fills first."Please exit. Stage left.-My Granny, Miss Tina Knowles
Is that Dylan, the 1 of 5 best rapper alive, hot fyuh spitter???
I know Da Band came before my time but my momma bought Making The Band 2 on VHS (balling on a budget here) and I watched all 5 video cassettes non-stop! Classic coonery, I tell ya. Classic.
I'd love to sip some milk off of Sara though. Just make sure she's kept in a dry, cool area. A little too much heat and her chest may melt.
So the results from the test came in? No not the paternity test... We still don't know if Daniel Smith Sr. is my real daddy (how the hell did I get blue hued eyes?). I'm talmbout the poll results.
WHICH HEADLINE ARE YOU 'BOUT SICK OF READING?
A. The Beyigga/Jayonce Wedding - 57% (175 votes)
B. Pretty Chrissy/5Ton4Head's Publicity Love - 8% (27 votes)
C. Female Rappers Doing Everything But Rapping - 13% (42 votes)
D. Mariah's Photoshopped Weight Loss - 19% (58 votes)
That came to a total of 302 votes which was highly unexpected... glad to see y'all know how to read, choose, point & click. Got a mind of your own, I see. Unlike some PEOPLE.
I'm just upset that y'all actually wanna see more of Pretty Chrissy and 5Ton4Head. Do I have to blacklist my readership?
All I need is one night and jus'a few minutes/I'ma handle dat dere and then I'm through wit' it- Webbie, "Like That" from the "classic" album Savage Life (1)
HEAVY VEE - I DON'T NEED A HOOK
Heavy Vee has stoled my life from me.
But before I temporarily pass, I got disect this video. For ONCE, a thug can bump something that a female made. Take notes, Kiha, momma, Tee-Tee, Kizzy and especially you Mya! But I can't co-sign to purpose defeatingness of this song. Exclaiming "I don't need a hook" for eight bars is a hook, genius. I can't hate though. The wig game is sick. Kizzy must be slipping you some of that good shit from the Wig Crypt. And I will say this, you had a WAY bigger budget than Raz-B had.
Peep Necole (TRAITOR!!!) for more flicks.
I'll never be able to show my face at the playground again.
I just got one question? Why does CNN give a fuck?
Whoa! Beaver nut hairs wig scheme seems to be catching on. Note to self: apologize to KIZZY.
I just happened to be wondering around GMA's Summer Concert (in hopes of finding my daddy) and BAM! I thought I saw my Auntie Bee on stage, because that Photoshop weightloss makes 'em look like twins. I try to rushing the stage to show my support but the security detail was NOT having that. After the show, I try to hit her up backstage just to find out it was MiMi. How disappointed was I?
I need to change this blog's address to Ohthefuckery.com, with the quickness. Beaver-badger-balls-faced Khia is runnin' round tryna save face after being booted off of Miss Rap Supreme. Damn shame, too. Now I have no reason to watch it. Oh well. Nick Jr is my channel anyway. Sorry, VH1.
But I digress.
Anyways, Khia is doing some damage control to her already damaged *making air quotes* "career" by telling radio stations that she sold more albums than MC Serch. Au contrair mon amie! That's French Creole for, "Ay hold up, bitch!"
This is what Serch had to say about Khia:
First things first, I admire that you sold 800,000 records and had a worldwide smash with 'My Neck My Back'. I was speaking to Talib Kweli today and we were talking about how that record was a worldwide smash. In terms of my records sold, you have stated that I have not sold 'Nann' the records you have sold. I think you might have been drinking a little too much of your own Kool Aid on that one. Third Bass had three albums, The Cactus Album, Derelicts of Dialect and a remix album call Cactus Revisited. My remix album sold 850,000 albums by itself. Cactus sold 1.3 million and sells 50,000 records a year for the past fifteen years. Derelicts of Dialect which had our Number 3 pop hit "Pop Goes the Weasel" sold 1.4 million records, 565,000 in the first 28 days. My solo record "Return of the Product" sold 350,000 records, so your album did better than my solo album, GOOD FOR YOU! In total I have sold personally as an artist, over 3.5 million records. Last time I did my math, and I am not that great at it, 3.5 is more then 800,000. Sorry ma, check please.
Personally, I would like to thank MS CHERRY for that One Hit Wonder chant. It's very catchy!
Peep the beaver-badger-balls face via Khia @ 0:09. Khia has been rated NSFL for Not Safe For Life.
Something in the Similac ain't too fresh 'bout this one. Caption this pic of Kat Deluna getting frisky with herself.
ALICIA KEYS - "TEENAGE LOVE AFFAIR"
But I digress.
I'm just mad that she did a video with allusions to School Daze without doing the Wannabe/Jiggaboo scene. What gives Alicia? Can't sho' no love to the best Black movie scene w/ a Broadway-like song?
Still frantically running 'round fondling yo' nuts over famous people getting married? I got the remedy. Ready?
1. To film a wedding.
2. To film the Easter Sunday play.
3. To film the Sunday School's re-enactment of The Nativity.
If she doesn't catch a lightning bolt in the ass for this fake fuckery then they can come take away my ghetto pass.
I DO NOT co-sign this fuckery because I don't believe she's truly getting right with God. Many ex-cons/criminals/Blackberry chunkers/etc. get outta jail and find religion just to keep living like heathens. I say give it a month or two and you won't see her near a church or one of those little green Bibles for that matter.
Dick beaters everywhere are in a frenzy because it's been semi-confirmed (AGAIN!!!!) that my Aunt and Uncle are married. In other no shit news, fire is hot, two plus two equals four, Khia is a bull-dagger hating beaver and Mariah owes her figure to Photoshop.
I'm 'bout sick of this wedding business. Shit was three, almost four weeks ago. I got my own problems. For instance: Where is my daddy?
So it's been sorta slow around these parts lately. Wig crypt's production is down 32%. Kizzy broke her hip while changing a light bulb. No offense but how hard is it to balance on your pinky toe while standing on the back of a chair that's hanging of a handrail with one hand in the air? I coulda did it with no problems! Also the Black entertainment world hasn't been so fuckery-dipped lately either.
So without further adieu, I introduce to you my very own Random Rants.
My Ten Most Random Thoughts For The Day
1. "I hope Granny makes hot tamales w/ pig knee sauce for supper today. I got a craving like no other."
2. "Remember to burn the bootleg version of The Carter III for Brooklyn Beckham."
3. "My dougie/My dougie/My dougie/My dougie/My dougie/My dougie/My dougie/She say she like my dougie"
4. "Buy Tee-Tee a Popeye's scented car air freshner shaped like a drumstick."
5. "Bitch, I stole yo' crayons!"
6. "Whycome Malcom & Eddie got cancelled? [sarcasm]Best show ever!!![/sarcasm]"
7. "Who is Teairra Mari fucking for tracks?"
8. "I should get my own studio. I could REALLY pimp if I get into the fucking-for-tracks business"
9. "Where the fuck is my pacifier?"
10. "Whose child was Amy Crackhouse holding? Who is silly enough to give her their child?"
...And it's good thing that I'm under five, because I love tag. I play it occasionally with my crew. Zahara say I be hitting her too hard when I tag her. My favorite game is hide-go-get-it but I digress.
I was tagged first by SANE.
1. If it's on VH1, I'll watch it. Flavor Flav!!!
2. I often fantasize about ATL holding a Freaknik for toddlers.
3. I ghostwrite for Trina, Khia, Akon & Bow Wow. All they good shit, I wrote.
4. I like playing Jacks and Uno Cards.
5. I once helped Kizzy brush wigs in the wig crypt.
6. I don't tell a lot of people this but I suck at doing push-ups. My arms still too small to lift my body.
Now I'm tagging.
Now here is what you do:
1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules in your blog
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.
Now I am going to tag NECOLE, JUSTIN TIME, FAKE JANICE COMBS, RICH, ODARA & THE IPS.
Every now and again I gotta step out of character to say a lil' something-something.
- I like giving y'all at least one post a day and when I can't I feel bad about it. And I know I try to uphold the "blog all week long" thing that other blogs don't do, but tomorrow I'm a be busy. What will I be doing? Sleeping? Clubbing? Laid up with my "dealer" [as Fresh calls 'em]? Maybe. Maybe not. I'll never tell! In other words, there's a GREAT possibility that there will be no weekend posts. I'll try my best to hit y'all up on Sunday but I'm almost sure that I'll be ripping and running tomorrow [Saturday].
- I appreciate everybody giving me praise for the site. I just posted my 50TH POST and I never thought I'd even still be doing this blog past post ten. Hopefully, you'll still read and laugh and the jokes don't get repitive and stupid. Don't hate, playa. Being comedic ain't easy.
I knew he was caking the whole time. Old wanksta ass, lying ass, faking ass bitch. Akon is 'bout as real as a three dollar bill. I was talking to my cousin Angie, around the same time "Smack That Ass" came out, and I told her I don't trust that fool. Something in the chocolate milk ain't clean about that one. I wouldn't trust my apple juice 'round him. Turns out, this fool ain't all he claim to be.
Akon's ad nauseum claims about his criminal career and resulting prison time have been, to an overwhelming extent, exaggerated, embellished, or wholly fabricated, an investigation by The Smoking Gun has revealed. Police, court, and corrections records reveal that the entertainer has created a fictionalized backstory that serves as the narrative anchor for his recorded tales of isolation, violence, woe, and regret. Akon has overdubbed his biography with the kind of grit and menace that he apparently believes music consumers desire from their hip-hop stars.
While the performer's rap sheet does include a half-dozen arrests, Akon has only been convicted of one felony, for gun possession.
Ain't that a bitch in a half... I thought he was a Soul Survivor. He told me he used to push methamphetamine. He said they locked him and wouldn't let him out for doing some BOSS shit. A gun charge. Pligga nease!!!!!! Everybody got an gun illegally these days. I got a gun. They can come charge me and I'll serve a longer sentence than you.
But this part kilt the shit outta me.
Akon spent the next three years in a Georgia prison. While inside, the 150-pound inmate "fought almost every day for two years," in the process becoming a "champion" who prevailed over both big and small inmates because, "I knew where to hit you to knock you out, so I didn't fear you."Punk ass was scared they was gone jack him for his manhood and bars of Ivory. Ain't shit in my book.
My momma may have not been a gem to the music world and she blurts out random shit like, "I sound high don't I... I promise I'm not high," on the regular, but she still a good momma. If there was a such thing as being a professional momma, then she'd be the Beyoncé of that field.
As I reflect on my momma's mishaps and achievements, I'm proud to be her son and in hopes of a more successful future, I salute you, Mom.
I salute you... for keeping your mouth closed (and not telling the world how I "accidentally" burned the neighbor's house down and not telling nobody about the time I pistol whipped Millie for stealing my ice-cream money) in this interview.
But I do NOT salute you for this kitchen ass wedding photo.
I'm surprised this chick ain't tryna tell the world about the sweatshop profits that the wig crypt is turning. Oops, said too much.
Good news, pimps and pimpettes. Today, I got two full clips for the price of one. And it's not the regular ordinary full clips. I'm finna turn this bad boy out and straight get grimy, ya dig. Have it like You Got Served Part II in this picnic, bitch.
Sit back: relax and try not to kill yourself laughing.
versus the classic...
Some more of the interview that's exposing my family has leaked. I'ma strangle whoever is Deepthroating (get yo' mind out the gutter) this mess.
One major downside to Beyoncé's rise to fame was the demise of other folks' career. One girl in particular has felt a ton of hardships since Beyoncé has taken over and decided to speak out. Here's what she had to say… part III.
Us: You seriously thought about going back to his room with him.
Ashanti: Hell no! For starters, he's a married man. He smelt like Ben- and he was drooling Alka-Seltzer. And last but not least, he was tryna kiss up on my neck in the club and his mustache fell off and landed into my bra.
Us: You've gotta to be kidding me!
Ashanti: It's the truth. Worse than that time Micheal Jackson's nose fell into my soup at an Oprah get-together.
Us: Are you serious?
Ashanti: If I'm lying may Ms. Kelly: The Platinum Underground Tri-Release go platinum. He even tried to fish it out with his sausage fingers.
Us: Who? Micheal? He did?
Ashanti: No! Matthew.
Us: Oh. Makes more sense. Michael? Women's boob? What was I thinking?
Ashanti: Yeah, but... I just yelled rape. And I yelled and I yelled. And my boyfriend's homeboy Murphy Lee came up outta nowhere and hit him in the face.
Us: Wait a minute. Stop! So you're telling me Matthew Knowles got the fighting with Murphy Lee?
Ashanti: Yeah. Matthew thought he was Ali or somebody tryna rope-a-dope. He one two stepped and broke his baby toe.
Us: What? How'd it end?
Ashanti: The club owner made them take it outside. So Matthew was all in the parking lot 'bout to have a heart attack. The police came through and we all dipped.
Us: So what's Murphy Lee have to say about it?
Ashanti: I don't know. Matter of fact, that's the last time I saw Murphy.
Matthew and Murphy Lee fight and Murphy Lee suddenly drops off the face of the earth. Coincidence? I think not. I wanted to get down to the bottom of Matthew's crazy night in the club but sadly, I had to let Ashanti get back to her shift at Mac's Gas Station. I tried contacting Mya again but somehow she mysteriously disappeared. I visited Circuit City but her supervisor told me she hadn't been to work in several days. She also said and I quote, "To tell the b.itch she still owes me a copy of Liberation and I know she wore my Wonder Woman outfit to that costume party last Halloween without my permission." But I digress. Eager to unravel this mystery, I spoke with one more artist.
Us: Amerie, I'm so happy you could join us.
Amerie: It's my pleasure…
Us: What have you been up to?
Amerie: Well, I'm about to head into the studio and start working on my next album entitled "The Vagrant's Monologue: Will F.uck For Tracks."
Us: Sounds hot.
Amerie: Yeah, go cop that. And I just finished my world tour, this past year.
Us: You had a world tour in '07?
Amerie: Of course. I did a few TV spots in America and tagged that as the North American leg and then I ventured south past Antarctica to a faraway land called Bashonka Island.
Us: Bashonka Island?
Amerie: Yeah, the Bashonkan people really love my music. I'm number one of all of their charts. I get GREAT airplay there.
Us: Bashonka Island?
Amerie: Yeah, beautiful island. Beautiful beaches and palm trees. Never rains. No natural disasters. It's quite the getaway.
Us: You mean to tell me you visited an island that receives no rain but still it finds a way to maintain palm trees. You visited an island that's in the middle of the ocean SOMEWHERE, but it still has never been struck by a natural disaster such as a hurricane?
At this point, I started to question how authentic her interview would be.
Us: Moving on… I've interviewed several people and they've all informed me about Beyoncé's Legion of Doom. Do you know anything about them?
Amerie: Do I? It's cause of them my career has been through hell and back. I'm still lucky to have my legs.
Us: What can you tell us about the Legion of Doom?
Amerie: Stay the hell outta they way.
Us: Feel free to elaborate.
Amerie: Solagne: ghetto.
Amerie: Solange. Ghetto as a group of project kids using a beat-up mattress for a trampoline.
Amerie Kizzy? Ignorant. She just can't see that Matthew is her daddy.
Amerie: I mean follow me on this one. If you take a picture and line up Kelly's nose with Matthew's nose, throw in the skin tone and the take of Matthew's fake mustache they look just alike.
Us: Can we get back on topic?
Amerie: Sure… But now that we speak of Matthew there was this one time…
Us: He was in the club with a lemon-lime suit on with coat tails and a silver cane looking a hot ass mess and he stepped to you with a story about arguing with his wife. He wanted to make her jealous by taking you back to the motel room with him and as a favor he'd make sure your career was successful.
Amerie: Nah, what the fluck is you talmbout?
Us: Just asking.
Amerie: But there was this one time at the BET Awards in 2006.
[TO BE CONTINUED]
Folks runnin' around here, yapping at the mouth talmbout my Tee-Tee finna up and quit.
Is Beyonce ready to retire?
The diva is currently working on a new album, but her cousin Angelica Knowles tells our source that it will be her last. Instead, Beyonce plans to spend her days scouting talent for new hubby Jay-Z's upcoming label, The Carter Music Group.
Beyonce's first protege is rumored to be an R&B artist named Chelsea Thomas. Her reps couldn't be reached for comment.
Let me go on record as saying:
-This is the first time me or any other Knowles/Dereon/Carter/Smith/Rowland affiliates have heard this news. So you know what that means.
-If she were to quit, she'd throw a humongous party/concert/wig convention first. It would be held on Mars and the after party would be in a parallel universe. You'd need to ride the Space Shuttle to get there but you'd have to get your own ride home. They'd serve plenty of gumbo but make you sign a waiver before you eat it in case you found stray wig hairs, flies, or Millie's toe nails in yo' soup and try to sue.
-If any of the Undesirables, Lil' Rock and/or Lil' T.I. showed up they'd be SOS'd. Shot on sight.
And futhermore, who is Angelica?
At times, I ponder as to what my readers and fellow creole pimps and pimpettes think and feel. I'm the type of person that'll hear you out, put some time aside to ask how you feel about certain hot button topics that trouble everyday creole pimp's life. I appreciate y'all giving me some feedback via reading, choosing and clicking.
Which can you most relate to?
A. Shaking the person that skips you in the checkout line at Wal-Mart? 24 Votes (58%)
B. Pimping out your Schwinn tricycle? 5 Votes (12%)
C. Brushing wigs for a living? 2 Votes (4%)
D. Killing hoes softly with your tang game? 10 Votes (24%)
With 41 votes, we had a nice turnout this time around. I was a bit surprised to see the number of people killing hoes softly with tang game-like qualites. Even more surprised that I have a stronger "Ne-Yoish" following. I ain't hating though. Get it how you live. If you'd rather listen to "PUNK OF THE SOUTH" over "LIL' BOOSIE" then do you. But I'ma be over here still yellin', "DUSTY FEET PLEASE DON'T BOTHER ME"?
But I digress.
Choice A won and I'm not surprised. Me, myself and my shank hate when my momma be in line at the self-checkout lane and I'm in sitting in the buggy and some lame skips us. It irks the shit outta me. I be wanting to grab a Heely skate shoe and knock a nigga nose off.
How 'bout you?
(Please, give it up. Working the window @ Rally's is your only calling. When a player come through hook him up with some onion rings or something.)
So Mya, the best dancer from The Undesirables, has a new track that just got leaked. Excuse a thug's torrent of cuss words because I'm finna get real gully. What in the name of halfassed-vocals-bitch-please-say-you-sorry-oh-the-fuckery-go-sat-ch'ass-down-sumwear is this piece of turd shit? I'm sure Ne-Yo is somewhere J-Setting in a mirror off of it, but he's the only one bumping this...
And the song title: OH THE FUCKERY! Whoever wrote this for Mya was trying to tell her something.
When will The Undesirables get together and release an album. A group effort is way better than the effort Mya, Amerie, Ashanti & Cassie are currently putting forth. Why won't they release their debut group album, "Fucking For Trax: Songs & Yaki"? I need answers!
[SHOUTS TO THEFEEBACK FOR THE LINK]
The little nigrum in the (with the flaming hot Cheeto braids) is creeping on my Creole. And he's a little too close for comfort if you ask me. Let me blacklist this fool before I do something crazy. Lord knows I retched for my gat as soon as I saw this pic.
Somebody is out there jacking my swagger... and I love it. Damn shame though. Lil' shawty hit old girl with that one hitter quitter. Knocked her smooth out! Had her hemmed up on the floor and everything.
Props to whoever pulled out their B'Phone (by Samsung; in stores now) and recorded the footage.
Adds a whole new meaning to not a threat... a promise.
Weezy F. Baby is jocking my style. Instead of letting professionals put in some work, Mr. Carter (no relation to my unk; none whatsoever) called up Trisha from down the street who had a computer and bootlegged version of Photoshop. He came over with a family photo album in tow. She made it do what it do. Voila! Grade A Fuckery.
I would like to tell Weezy F. Baby this though: give me back my damn tux. I ain't playing neither.
Shit like this is why my blog is maxed out in Grade A Fuckery posts.
In the infamous words of Saaphyri, "Go down, bitch. Go down!"
So I just got word that Toni Braxton has recently been hospitalized. I just want to go on record as saying I had nothing to do with this contrary to popular belief. I don't even know what the eff happened to her. Maybe she took a big whiff of that track & weave glue and fell the fluck out.
My best guess... she got news that my Tee-Tee and uncle got married and realized that her last shot at becoming famous or relevant again was out the door. Don't feel bad Toni. I'm pretty sure Brooke Valentine, T.Error Mari and all the other Undesirables attempted some sort of suicide following this news.
You are not alone.
Warning: I have the slight feeling that some of you may find this offensive. If you are a softie, easily offended, got an soft stomach, tender-headed or suffer from severe bitchassness (why Lord?) please step to the left and kill yourself.
If you didn't know by now, Ed Hardy is replacing Girbaud as the official clothing line of the box eaters/lick 'em low lovers.
But I digress.
What I really came to say:
Don't they look alike? The thug inside of me just wants to know?
Soulja Boy for letting the bird out the cage, which is the equivalent to Lil' Cease letting the monkey out (in my book). Anyway... here's to you Soulja Boy... GOSATCHASSDOWNSUMWEAR!!!
CAUTION: THIS VIDEO IS NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN AND MAY NOT BE SAFE FOR LIFE.
Sexual harrassment. The jokes write themselves. I don't even have to anoint this post with my pimpness. It came bundled and built in with this pic.
I'm still waiting for 5Ton4Head to fall off and join The Undesirables.
I carry my Baby Jamz root box around for people like you, Fake Janice Combs. My granny told me to tell you, "You think you nickel slick, but she got yo' penny change."
House Of Dereon is coming for Sean John. And we shall triumph. We always do. Ask Cassie. Ask Cheri Dennis. Ask Faith Evans. Shit, you can find 'em all in the same place. Kroger's on Wednesday's during the day shift.
And you threatening me? I'll be waiting for that day to happen with this expression on my face:
And peep the title of the post. How come you a quarter century older than Lil' Mama (Moses if ya nasty) and still a-scared to cuss.
You know I got love for you, Fake Miss Combs. That thug love.
I'm down for any reputable cause. But this publicity love between Diddy and himself has got to stop. A nigga ain't s'pose to love himself, ya dig. And this "campaign"... I have to admit I was feeling it at first. But just like a stripper working a double shift on a wedding weekend ... this bitch is tired. Tired. Tired. Quit selling ass to ass via t-shirts and zesty boy groups, Puffy.
I copped this photo via [NECOLEBITCHIE]. At first I was gonna swagger-jack your run of the mill Beyigga/Jayoncé post... but this is killing me.
Where the fuck is Cassie at?
Lately, a pimp has been getting a helluva 'lotta flack from his peeps. Why? Because I been so tight-lipped 'bout my Tee-Tee's wedding. Folks be running up to me asking questions like: "Baby Daniel, what color was the dress?" "Baby Daniel, what song did they have to first-dance of off at the reception" "Baby Daniel, was Mama Tina really so sloppy drunk that she slapped the fire out of LaTavia for sneezing during the exchanging of vows"
Answers: Freakum beige. Tootsie Roll. And HELL YEAH!
But for my peoples still left in the dark, it went a lil' something like this:
12 NOON - Beyoncé arrives at the venue.
12:26 PM - Jay-Z arrives at the venue smelling like Armadale & Newports. Matthew requested that the guest please excuse this because they were just getting back from the bachelor party.
12:34 PM - Granny burns Millie with a cigarette for asking can she go to the bathroom when she was supposed to be on wig brushing duty.
1:06 PM - Solange is frantically dialing every number in her Samsung B'Phone trying to call Kizzy (who was AWOL). She even calls Lumidee (remember her) and cusses her out for having a Rhianna callback tone. Don't nobody got time to "Mamasay Mamasah Mama Koosa" when they trying get a signal.
1:32 PM - Pastor Gitya Munny Wright arrives and blesses the altar with his holy annoitnedness. He then sees one of the bridesmaids and demand that she "drop and give him fifty"
1:33 PM - One bridesmaid quits on the spot claiming the Pastor told her to "put her right hand in the air, put the left one in her underwear and tickle her cat".
2:03 PM - The church starts to fill as guest arrive. I, Baby Daniel, had to be there fashionably late so people could see the new spinners I bought for my tricycle. I enter the church and start to fulfill my usher/ringbearer duties.
2:10 PM - Usher shows up and replaces me as the head usher.
2:12 PM - I phone Brooklyn Beckham and Jaden Smith (Will Smith's son) and tell them to egg Usher's car before the ceremony is over with.
2:15 PM - Granny comes down the aisle wearing her turquoise/lemon-lime freakum short set and her Applebottom Jeans and boots with the fur. The whole congregation was looking at her. She sat in the front pew. Next thang we knew... she turned to Jay's family and said fuck you and you and you and you and you and you etc.
2:30 PM - The organ begins to play the wedding march.
2:36 PM - Zahara comes down the aisle throwing rose petals.
2:37 PM - Millie comes down the aisle throwing maple leaf branches.
2:38 PM - LaTavia comes down the aisle tossing cactus parts.
2:40 PM - Grandady throws his left Stacy Adam at LaTavia for poking him with a cactus "accidentally".
36 seconds later - Kizzy shows up with a bottle of Mad Dog in a brown paper bag wearing a tye-dye tube top singing "Stop In The Name of Love". I "quietly escort her back into the wig crypt. See what happens when you let laborers out.
I sorta fell asleep in Granny's lap afterwards. By the time I woke up Tee-Tee was already at the altar wearing a veil that was appropriate sized to cover her head but too short to cover her wig. The nuptials and vows and what-have-you's took place here. Tee-Tee said something about brushing Uncle Jay's fur everyday and how much she was gone love him until the end of time. She even broke out into song. Uncle Jay said something about buying her a lifetime supply of Popeye's and hitting her with that camel hump on the daily. I still don't know what that means.
And there you have it. Any questions?
Readers looka here...
Every now and again you gotta look back on yo' influences and the bloggers that paved the way for you to provide fuckery and nonsense for other people's enjoyment and expect nothing in return. I'm sure many of you are familiar with them and you pull your nose hairs out frantically trying to figure out who the people behind it could be. I don't know. Stop asking! But what I do know is, I'm happy they're back in action. And killing it I might add.
I'm, not Baby Daniel, the real me is giving big shouts and major props to Beyonceitis for coming back into the infotainment/fuckery-induced blogging business and killing me softly with their LATEST POST.
And that pic. Priceless. Photoshop is truly ungodly.
I just got the rest of that interview of Mya running her damn mouth.
I'm officially blacklisting this hoe. Ya boy can only do so much stabbing and fighting. I don't wanna end up like the 3rd graders from Georgia
And now the interview (snitchfest):
One major downside to Beyoncé's rise to fame was the demise of other folks' career. One girl in particular has felt a ton of hardships since Beyoncé has taken over and decided to speak out. Here's what she had to say… part II.
Us: Did you provoke Solange at any point to even give her a slight reason to call you a bucket-headed heffa?
Mya: No. I don't remember doing such things.
Us: Are you sure?
Mya: Yeah… wait a minute… wait a minute. I was supposed to wash her car that day and I forgot to do it. So we ended up rolling to the club in her white 1981 Nissan Maxima with the blue passenger's door and no bumpers.
Us: No bumpers?
Mya: Mmm-hmmm. She was tryna get that new Ford Focus but her pockets was empty as the audience at a Kelly Rowland concert. I think she got that Maxima 'cause somebody owed Baby Daniel a favor.
Us: Speaking of Baby Daniel, is he "shysty" also?
Mya: (looking over her shoulders and nodding "yes): Nah! Nah! Nah! Of course not… he is an angel. The best baby I've ever baby-sat. (whispering) Don't be asking me no questions like 'bout him. You tryna get me caught up?
Mya: I ain't tryna be walking down the street and get snatched. Don't be asking me no questions about that boy.
Us: Don't worry Mya, this conversation is strictly confidential. No harm will come your way.
Mya: For real?
Us: Of course.
Mya: Well, in that case…. That lil' boy is the debil. I 'member this one time I was babysitting for him while Solange working was at BET's Spring Bling selling hot dogs and popcorn balls to the spectators. That boy drove me crazy. He set my drapes on fire. My landlord evicted me 'cause of that boy. Now I gotta stay in the projects, 'cause I get bad recommendations from previous superintendents.
Us: Damn. Have you witnessed any other crimes he's committed?
Mya: Girl, have I? Is water wet? Is the sky turquoise at noon? Is Ne-Yo's lip gloss popping? Did Lil' Mama help write the Ten Commandments?
Us: I take it you did.
Mya: Hell yeah, I did! I took him to the park this one time. Everything was all good. Birds was chirpings, I'm talking bout everything was all good. And I saw this fine brother with his lil' dog looking cute. So I set his stroller by the water fountain while I go talk to the dude. I got his number AND his address, guh.
Us: Can we get back to the point?
Mya: But like I was saying… I come back to the water fountain and he was gone. I looked everywhere. All over the park. He was nowhere to be found. I started to panic. I started to think, "What would Mama Tina do to me if she found out I lost the baby?" Hell, I was already running 'round with one sleepy, tired, saggy, Rumpelstiltskin looking tiddy. Ain't no telling what she'd no next.
Us: I'm sure you found him right?
Mya: Yeah. My cell phone rang and it was the police. They say they picked him up running out of a corner store. Some Koreans was going psycho screaming, "You come back and pay, now!You buy! You buy!" But Daniel was all, "Snatch and run, yo!" and when the police tried to apprehend him, he put up a fight.
Us: Are you serious?
Mya: Girl, yeah. They say he went Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers on them hoes. I went and picked him up from the precinct before Angie Beyince snitching ass could found out about it.
Us: Close call. Moving on… you said that you were also at the club with Kelly Rowland… was she cool or is she also apart of the Legion of Doom?
Mya: Kelly, was cool. But she was a damn punk.
Mya: Hell yeah. Solange ask her to jump she'd be like, "How high." Solange say jump Kelly be like, "With a rope, a pogo stick, or on a trampoline." Solange ask her to jump Kelly be like…
Us: I get it.
Mya: Well, my bad.
Us: What about Michelle?
Us: Michelle Williams!
Mya: You ain't got to holla, I can hear you. Who the hell is Michelle?
Us: She was the other girl in the Destiny's Child. The one that sat in the dentist's chair in the Cater 2 U video.
Mya: OH!!!! You mean Millie? Oh, I ain't never socialize with her. She was always in the wig crypt. Them wigs ain't gone brush themselves. But Kelly and Millie they both weak.
The interview had to end abruptly because I had to let Mya leave before she was late for her shift at the local Costco's. My interview with Mya proved fruitful yet shocking. I have never sat in a room with someone so crazy. That's until I sat down with Ashanti.
Us: Ashanti, before we get started I'd like to thank you for taking your time to talk with us.
Ashanti: It's cool. I called Brooke Valentine and she said she'd cover my shift tonight. Denny's couldn't make a decision without me.
Us: You own a Denny's?
Ashanti: Guh, stop! I'm in charge of all the waitresses. I make sure they wash they hands after using the restrooms and I also make sure they don't steal nothing.
Us: So I did some research on you and I read that you cited Mary J Blige and Etta James as your influences.
Ashanti: Mmm-hmmm. I love them. Mary's music is so empowering, uplifting. It's just bananas.
Us: I see you also listed Blue Magic as one also.
Ashanti: Oh yeah… I don't know where I'd be without Blue Magic. My scalp would be dryer then a motherf.cuker. It really helps grow yo' roots, too. I recommend it to all my friends.
Us: I'm sorry. I thought you meant Blue Magic, the band.
Us: Never mind. So I take it you want to speak out against Beyoncé's Legion of Doom.
Ashanti: Yeah, ma. They pissed me off.
Us: Please feel free to elaborate.
Ashanti: Like, this one time. I went in for an interview and to apply for a job in the wig crypt. Mama Tina straight insulted me. She gone tell me, "You ain't dressed for the job." And I was shocked because I had my Fila sweatervest on with the matching Jordache jeans. I was tryna be tacky, you know. To fit in. I guess I forgot to wear a wig.
Us: Forgot to wear a wig? Not trying to be nosy, but don't you always wear a lacefront?
Ashanti: Heavens no. Me, Lacefronts? Bananas!
Us: So you're not wearing a lacefront right now?
Ashanti: No this is my real hair.
I peeped her jet black, straight wig which had her looking like Morticia Adams but dismissed it for the slim chance that it was REALLY hers.
Us: Have you had any mishaps with Matthew Knowles? Has he ever been at or party or the same club as you?
Ashanti: Damn, girl how'd you know?
Us: Lucky guess.
Ashanti: He strolled up in there with a lemon, lime tux with a bow tie and some coat-tails. Looking like a half-ripe banana. Then he had a…
Us: Stainless steel cain?
Ashanti: YEAH! I swear this is uncanny. It's like you're reading my mind like you got ESPN or something. This is bananas.
Us: What happened when Matthew was there?
Ashanti: Well, I remember this light-skinned chick telling him to leave his alone. So he stepped to me talmbout some he pissed his wife off and he wanted to help me with my career, which was doing really good at the time.
Us: At the time, key words.
Ashanti: Excuse me?
Us: Nothing, please continue.
Ashanti: But you know… Matthew scrolled up in there with a pimp in his step. I mean, who does that anymore. It was 2003 but still. He was like telling he could help my career if I came to his room with him and if I didn't he'd make sure it'd go down like Superhead in a room full of rappers.
Us: He really said that?
Us: That's crazy.
Ashanti: I know. I shoulda went back to his room with him.
[TO BE CONTINUED]
Two members of the infamous Undesirables: Mya and Ashanti... officially blacklisted.
So I'm at my Tee-Tee and Unc's funer... wedding. I meant wedding. And everything was going smooth...
Up until the point where I had to cut the shit outta Superhead? No not like that. Even if I didn't think she had cooties (b/c she totally does) I wouldn't go anywhere near her to "cut". What I mean is I literally cut her. Bitch stood up on the "if anyone think there's any reason this couple should not wed part" she gone stand up and bring up Uncle Joe's illegitimate churren. I dragged her by her Yaki and beat her ass down the church steps. Bitch spit on me. I don't want what she got. So I cut her ass.
Problem with it?
I mean, I didn't come to the wedding to act no fool. I was just bearing the ring and then I was gone get busy at the reception. But now... I gotta go to trial. Excuse me while I hustle up the rest of this bail money for my money. Y'all know she ain't making no real money no way.
Wowzers! Peep the story about some older Creole Pimps from the great state of George and find out on how they do what they do best:
A group of third-graders plotted to attack their teacher, bringing a broken steak knife, handcuffs, duct tape and other items for the job and assigning children tasks including covering the windows and cleaning up afterward, police said Tuesday....Wanna know the motives?
....The children, ages 8 and 9, were apparently mad at the teacher because she had scolded one of them for standing on a chair... MORE
They make me look like altar boys and shit. I applaud this thugness and praise unto them until they'll put me in they squad and let me put in some work. Everybody gotta start somewhere.
LIL' SPAIN - "MY DOUGIE"
Say no to kitchen ass videos. All I really have to say is this: these Negros are a disgrace to Houston, Dallas, the whole state of Texas, Dereon sold in Texas, Knowles-related music sold in Texas, weed sold in Texas, wigs sold in Texas and the rest.
Peep out the lovechild of Kayne & Lil' Boosie @ 1:55. Scared the GUHLAWDHAMMERCY outta me!
BUTTERS - "WHAT WHAT (IN THE BUTT)"
Even my pimpage can't hate on the tangness in this clip. It's South Park for thug's sakes. Their entitled the "gay pass". They got enough courage juice to get away with it.
USHER - "LOVE IN THIS CLUB" (PREVIEW)
The Bust It Baby FRESH linked the new sneak peek of Usher's new video for her comments crew today. And you know I had to give my lil' two cents on it, ya dig. So when I got home from Buttons, Bows & Barrettes First Baptist Creole Daycare & Worship House I had to link it for the few loyal viewers that I have.
The video features my soon-to-be new chick Keri Hilson (look at the gams on that chick) as U's love interest. You can find the two canoodling here and there but just before they get down to the nitty titty, I mean nitty gritty...he breaks into dance. TANGMASTER!
The only exciting bit about this vid is his husband, wife, handler, master or whatever the fuck you wanna call TaMANeka wants to bust Keri's head with a plywood 2 by 4 with barb wire on the end for getting too frisky with Ush. But now that I see it I don't know what the fuck she is so worry 'bout. This shit 'mind me off U Remind Me with a touch of Yeah and a dash of Caught Up. Same video, different year. He didn't hook up with none of them broads (Chili's not a broad, she's a goddess). But that don't mean I watch Usher's fuckery. My ex-chick Sy'Rai (Brandy "Put The Pedal To The Metal)" Norwood's daughter for the late ones) is a big Usher fan and I had to sit through many sessions of "let's listen to Burn while with my momma while we fold laundry"... That's why I had to quit her.
It's been awhile since I done wrote in this journal. Ain't really been out the house none last month. Momma put a thug on punishment for doing something bad. I kicked Kizzy down a flight of concrete stairs. Oh well! So what? She was thinking too loud. A thug needs his concentration levels to be locked in on 100% at all times. I kicked it with the old crew again. It's a whole new month (off-a probation... I mean punishment) and I can finally chill with Zahara and Brooklyn Beckham again. Me and Brooklyn was beefing for a minute; but now we back cool. We was behind on our list of lames that got blacklisted so you know we had to get Chris Brown first. I ain't gone say too much but next awards show that fool show up to he gone be making a track and a dot (some old school stuff my granny be saying)... And I piled the phonebooks up and drove Momma's '81 Maxima while Brooklyn worked the gas and breaks. We went riding, riding past Mya's house because the chick been running her mouth about my grandaddy. I ain't too sure on the details but a homie of mine sent me the following via e-mail:
Many fans of Beyoncé have always followed her, from her humble beginnings (Destiny's Child) to her current superstar status. A lot of great things have happened since Beyoncé put the R&B game in the chokehold, but very few know the down-sides to it. One major downside: other folks' career. One girl in particular has felt a ton of hardships since Beyoncé has taken over. That girl is Mya. A never before interview of Mya speaking out against Beyoncé's reign has surfaced.
Us: Mya, we appreciate you coming out here today and talking with us.
Mya: Oh, it's cool. I had to drop off my lil' cousin Scooter at school today and after that I ain't had nothing better to do.
Us: Why not? You're a Grammy Award winning artist. Surely, you're schedule is full.
Mya: It is full! On Monday mornings I gotta get up at 5AM and go to Pizza Hut and work an eight-hour shift before I go to ShaNeequa's Day Spa & Finger Wave Salon.
Us: And what do you do there? Style hair, I suppose?
Mya: Uh-uh nah… I hand out warm towels and clean the pubic hairs out of the shower drain. You gotta be a certified beautician to style hair and I ain't take the time to get my license.
Us: Why not?
Mya: I was too busy fucking Sisqo. It was an ALL-DAY JOB.
Us: Moving on… So tell us why you're sorta heated about Beyoncé's fame.
Mya: It ain't her fame that I'm heated about. It's her Legion of Doom that concerns me.
Us: Legion of Doom?
Mya: Yeah, guh! You'on't know?
Us: No, I don't think I do. Can you please elaborate?
Mya: Well, Beyoncé is a kind-hearted, warm compassionate individual. It's her family that you gotta watch your back around.
Us: What do you mean?
Mya: For starters, that daddy of hers. He a mess. Shysty motherfucker. I 'member one time a few years back, I think it was 2003 cause that Chingy song Right Thurr had came out and I had got my hair croquet braided with the 1b/30 hair coloring…
Us: Um… what does Matthew Knowles have to do with this?
Mya: Oh yeah. My fault… See her daddy was a shyster. We was in the club doing the chickenhead and in came this old fella wearing a lemon-lime tuxedo with a bow tie some coat tails, guh. Looking a hot mess. And he had a stainless steel cain, guh. Swearing up and down he was fine.
Us: I take it that was Mr. Knowles.
Mya: Oh yeah. It was him.
Us: What was so shysty about him?
Us: He was all on me that night. He said and I quote, "My wife mad at me cause I told her that her "Going to the casino Easter Sunday" wig made her look like Boogawolf." Asking me to come back to his hotel suite with him so we can make her jealous. Trifling, good for nothing type of brother. Told me if didn't then he'd make sure my career go down the drain.
Us: That's awful.
Mya: I know, right?!?!?! I shoulda went back to his room with him.
Us: What about the others in the Legion of Doom?
Mya: Oh, they just as shysty as he is. Like that Mama Tina. That woman done put roots on me. I just know she did. Everybody talmbout I'm running 'round acting crazy cause *making air quotes* "ain't no such thang as voodoo" but I shit you not, ever since my encounter with her in the Kroger's parking lot my left breast hangs lower than the right one.
Us: Okay… let's move on. What about Solange.
Mya: Don't even bring her up. She ain't no types of good. I went to the club with her and Kelly one time and LeToya Luckett was there. Her song "Torn" has just dropped and everybody was liking it, so I went up to Toya to congratulate her. Solange sat there and called me out my name just for that.
Us: What she call you?
Mya: She gone say and I quote, "Why you over there making nice with the enemy? You know we came here to jump her and you wanna go get in where you fit in. Well, let me tell you this here you bucket-head heffa. If you so as much flex a coochie lip when we start swinging on her and if you don't help us, I swear fo' living God that ass belong to me." I mean damn Solange, I ain't no bucket-headed heffa.
[TO BE CONTINUE]
The computer froze up before I could print out the rest. I was in the Wig Crypt working on Kizzy's old Windows 98 eMachine. Cheap ass shit.
One mo' thing before I dip out... I'm sending a cease and desist to the booty hole blowers that's giving my chick Necole Bitchie ALL THIS STRESS. Let a bitch (her name; not my words) blog. Don't make me go in the back of that glove compartment and pull out that Desert Eagle.